[Mackenzie]

Can't believe I'm asking this but does anyone know where I would find information on dissolving an adoption? We have tried everything we know to do to help our 14 1/2 year old daughter. We've had her 2 1/2 years and feel like we have made no progress with her. Just recently she has agreed that she just doesn't connect with us as a family and would like to go back into foster care. She has attachment issues, and many other diagnoises she just doesn't seem to be able to get past. We were willing to hang in there with her and continue working with her but now that she doesn't really want to be part of our family we are willing to dissolve the adoption. Any help would be appreciated.

Mackenzie

[mamatokay]

McKenzie,
Just a thought, but do you think she told you she didnt connect with you as a family and that she wanted to go back into foster care because she was testing how much you loved her, and if you were willing to fight to keep her. ALL children need love and need to know that someone loves them, and since she has only been with you a little over 2 years, this might be her way of testing how you really feel about her. I really do not know all you are going through, but before I actually dissolved the adoption I would suggest that you and your husband both get some counseling on dealing with her if you havent already.

As I do not know exactly what all you are going through, this was just the first thing that came to me as I was reading your post. My heart breaks for any child that says they do not want a permenant home, especially if they have been in the "system" a majority of their life. Please take the time to find out if she is just saying this or if she really feels this way...and if you love her, please fight for her!!

~Carol~

[usocwazee]

I am sure she is going thru what all teenagers have gone thru (myself included) I didn't want to be with my parents at that age either, I wanted to do what I wanted to do! I am not adopted nor a foster child. I agree with my previous poster that she is probably "testing the waters", on top of her teenage hormones. EEEEEKKKKKK! Hang in there she really does need you. Now I can't stand to be away from my parents, I love them dearly and they always remind me what a pain I was as a teen (in a joking way). Those years are tough ones. Best of Luck to you

[lucyjoy]

Not every child wants a family, my 12yr old doesn't, but he's better off here then his alternate choices.

Missouri is not real keen on disolving adoptions. What about a treetment center? Are you working with an attachment specialist or therapist familiar with adoption issues? Even if you were successful in disolving this adoption, chances are they'd place her in an independant living course and release her early to fumble around on her own.

14 is no time for a child to make a life changing decision. Too many hormones and general teen independence issues to make sound living decisions(my opinion, of course)

The biggest question, is your child dangerous or simply irritating(to a ridiculous degree). If it's not a danger situation, be sure you are allowing her to live with the consequences of her choices. She's gonna push every button you have so remove the buttons. Refuse to engage in any arguments.(easier said then done.


If possible, connect with a support group. Also, you might consider requesting respite care.

Hope you don't mind the unasked for advice. I just find it unlikely that MO will allow a disruption.

[Mackenzie]

I appreciate everyones replies and concerns. Our daughter physically attacked me in Nov. She already had one assault charge due to her attack on an 11 year old a month earlier. After placing her in the hospital to have her evaluated, she put a staff worker in the ER the first night she was there. She has been living in a local children's home since Nov. We have stuck by her, have regular phone calls and visit her every week. Just recently we started trying family therapy and it isn't going any better than when her therapist works with just her. For the past 2 weeks she has been back in the hospital because the children's home feels she is suicidal. I think they know she really isn't but she likes attention and has the game of manipulation down well.

We have actually been told by many people (DFS included) that some kids just can't be reached and she might be one of them. She has extreme emotional and behavioral problems that we were not aware of and she has been getting worse as she gets older. Even though her and I have both put a lot of effort into trying form a relationship, we are both realizing it just isn't working for either of us. This is the first time she has been honest about how she feels. She wants nothing more than to find her birth siblings and possibly her birth mom and it has always been that way. We don't think she can really let herself be a part of our family even though we know she has tried.

We are not sure if we will dissolve the adoption but are looking into our options. Not the way I ever expected our adoption to go but sometimes you have to let go.

[rindava]

I do think with her age it would probably be best if you could contact say one of those Christian Group Homes that take kids but parents retain custody, if she really needs an RTC they will kick her out before to long. We have one here in Va Beach, Va called Hope Haven House and they are only at 30% capcity as so few people choose this option any more.

Also, my son if from foster care in Missouri. In his old foster home there were many kids who had been through adoption distruption (7 all together while he was living there for 15 months)

Just to let you Missouri guys know, that is like the best state for foster care that I have seen. I was working with some others and man, they are no where as good. My own state Virginia is so much worse....a long story

[lucyjoy]

Missouri is good about payin for long term care. The RTC's will often try to get parents to release cusody of their children, but Missouri doesn't make parents do that. This will allow you to advocate for her care.

What about reinvolving bmom? Has she got her life together yet?
My son's have a brother who never could really accept his adoptive parents because he wanted to be with his bmom. After he turned sixteen, bmom was clean and living life right and they let him go back to her. He now maintains a healthy relationship with her. (Bmom had been very abusive, but only when she was on drugs.)

My son spent 17 months in an RTC and family therapy was a joke.
I was done trying to bond with this kid(he'd tried to kill 5 times and was very violent diagnosed as Ted Bundy personality). I did the therapy so his RTC would allow him to stay. In Dec, he decided he wanted his life back and has been here sice(against RTC recommendations). He is no longer aggressive and is able to see what he did wrong and why it was wrong.

Anyway, in my opionion, your daughter is better off with you as parents to advocate for her care then left to the sysem.

[echaos]

I've never had to deal with any of these types of situations, so I may be speaking out of turn. Please know that I mean no offense.

I wouldn't treat this situation any differently then if the this child had been born to me and not adopted. When I entered into an adoption with my son, it's an agreement that I have made for life. If he grows up to be a crazed serial killer (god forbid!) I will do whatever I need to or can do. The odds might be greater for an adopted person to have problems because of what they went through growing up (abuse, neglect, foster care...), but it's still just odds.

Just as I would not put my crazed bio-teenager up for adoption, nor would I try to dissolve an adoption.

Just my two-cents worth.

[Kitti]

My grandmother once told me that raising teenagers was about as easy as nailing jello to a tree. She was right. My bio daughters are 15 and 17 and the road has been rocky at best. Teens will test your love and patience because they need to see how much you care and what they can get away with. If your daughter has insecurity and attachment problems the best thing you can do is hang on and love her like crazy, she will thank you for it in the future. Enlist any help you may need but don't give up on her. You made the decision to adopt her and now if you turn away from her it may damage her even more. I am also a bmom and I shudder to think that my daughters aparents would dissolve the adoption if times were rough. When you make the decision to adopt you make the decision to be the childs parents 100% forever, just because its tough, or not what you thought it would be dosen't mean you can back out. Just because raising kids is a beautiful gift does not mean it is always pretty.Good luck with your daughter and remember that 14 year old girls don't always mean everything that comes out of their mouths. Sorry if I seem harsh or I have offended you, this is just my opinion.
Kitti

[Mackenzie]

I can understand everyones concerns, I am also the mom of 3 bio sons who are all older than our daughter. I went into this adoption with a lot of knowledge and my head and heart in the right place. This isn't just a typical teenager acting out but a child who has at best very little attachment to us with emotional and behavioral problems. She has told us that she just can't form a relationship with us, that it just isn't working for her. Until now, even though the entire family felt she wasn't attaching, we were hanging in there trying to make it work. Unfortunately, we don't know if we will ever be able to have her live with us again. She physically attacked me in Nov. and prior to that attacked an 11 year old girl and the parents pressed charges. After we had her evaluated at the hospital and they admitted her, she assaulted a staff worker and put her in the ER.
She has been living at a local Residential Children's Home since the end of Nov. and we have continued to work with her but not making much progress.

We never expected adopting her to be easy but were not aware of how severe her problems were. She just wants to be with her birth siblings and her foster mom she was with for 5 years. Her birth siblings are bad news and her foster mom has already adopted 3 girls. Birthmom is a drug addict that has never been able to clean up her act but continues to have kids, 8 that we know of.

She has brought so much stress into our lives that even we can't believe it. We are just questioning what is best for everyone at this point. I do have other kids to think about and the effect she is having on them and us. We can't even trust her to leave her by herself for any length of time. There is so much involved.

Just want anyone reading this to know we are not just bailing out because things became a little rough. We can not seem to reach this child and feel that maybe there is someone else who could. Starting to raise a child at age 12 is not the same as raising them from an infant. I've been told (even by DFS) that some kids just can't be reached and we may have one of them. It's heartbreaking.

[lucyjoy]

I don't think your bailing out, but there are no other families that will be able to take a child with these issues. Parenting her from afar is an okay option for a child with her problems. You can advocate for her care. I really don't think MO will give you any other option without charging you a fortune in child support and charging you with abandonment.

She probably will never attach to you as she cannot let go of her birthmom. Have you tried telling her that it's okay with you for her not to love you? She might have a beter chance if you shift the focus off family and on to what kind of life she wants to have as an adult and how she's planning on getting there. Be honest and tell her if she continues to be violent, prison is her future.
Maybe she'll eventually decide she wants to save her own self.

I know how you feel. My son created so much pain in our family.
We lived in terror of his next move. I always told the RTC if they could prove he was healed, I'd be happy to take him home. I never believed he'd get home, but it gave them a goal to write down and kept them off my back. You should not feel guilty about needing your child to live in an out of home placement. Being a parent means you do what your child needs to be safe.
It was as unhealthy for her to be violent at home as it was for your family to live with her.

[Mackenzie]

Long term residential is one of our options for her for the same reasons you mentioned. I also have a 17 yr. old son and this age isn't a picnic but he has always been a good kid just going through an independent stage at the moment.

Our daughter has just worn me down to a point that I just can not bring myself to deal with her problems at the moment. The good thing is that for the first time my husband is getting more involved with her. Just recently she informed him she wants to have a baby and wondered what we'd do if she did. She is 14 1/2 with the maturity of an 11 yr. old. Not only can she not form a healthy relationship with us but has the same problem with peers. Unless she stays in a restricted setting we are certain we will continue to have lots of problems with her. When we talk to her about her future she always has big goals, professional soccer player or pediatrician but she doesn't have a clue at this age what is involved even though we have explained it to her.

We are going to try to continue family therapy with her when she returns to the RTC. I don't give up on anything easily, I just am so tired of the constant stress in our lives so I have had to back out of the picture for a while to give myself a break.

Thanks for everyones advice.

[lucyjoy]

Do take a break. You deserve some rest.

When she gives you these goals, ask her how she's gonna get there if she's locked up for assault?

As for her having a baby, tell her it won't be your problem because the state will take it away from her as she can't parent from lock up and besides, her age would work against her.
Every time she tries to dump something in your lap, dump it back in hers and remind her how lucky she is to have a mom who will love her enough to let her live with her choices. The more it stays her problem and she can't see she's huting you, the more she'll have to work on her own life.

Don't spend all your time worrying about her. Relax and enjoy your life. You can't do anything until she's ready.

[Mackenzie]

You have a good point about not letting her see she is hurting me. Because she thinks mostly of herself and little of how she affects others, I finally told her how I felt. Recently I had just gone through a really rough time and confined in her that I had decided to seek help. It was so apparent that she could have cared less what I was going through. That was the icing on the cake for me. I didn't expect a teenager to understand but she just didn't care at all. Everything out of her mouth was about her, the same as it usually is. At that point I made the decision to start holding her accountable for her actions, something I should have done long ago.

Everytime she begs to come home, I point out that she is the one who decides not to follow rules and breaks them on a regular basis. She makes those decisions, no one else. Now she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, and I think it's because she knows I am not going to let her get to me, which is okay with me.

I had hoped to adopt one more time but after what we have gone through with our daughter, my husband won't even consider doing it again. I still would, I told him not all kids have problems as severe as this one does and we have learned so much.

Thanks for all of the advice. It helps having someone understand what we are dealing with.

[Dillon]

My husband and I are considering adopting a teenager. I was just curious what you progress has been.

dillon