[Mitzi]

I am going out on a limb to ask a question.
I placed my daughter for adoption over 7 years ago.
Just until recently, I have been thinking about contacting the agency to see if ap's would be open to any contact.(mostly by phone) We now have a pretty much closed adoption. I did get a letter back in the summer from the ap's basically updating me on my daughter's growth and development. The amother closed the letter by saying that she would be open to exchanging letters through the agency every couple of years or so. That totally floored me....a couple of years or so??????? It is VERY obvious to me that they do not want me to be a part of any of this....(but, how can that be....I am the ONE who gave them their child)....My first reaction that I got was...you have no contact now, and from the sound of it..looks as though they want no contact...so why would you contact the agnecy with this proposal??? Just curious to see how adoptive parent's would react to this idea.

[debsdone]

I imagine you should consider what the agreement was at the time of the adoption. If what they offered is more than what they agreed to, I would be careful to express appreciation at their offer first, and then ask for what you desire. Baby steps seem to work best in situations where emotions are running high. Good Luck! Love, Debi

[Support2Adopt]

Mitzi, as every adoptive parent is different, there could be many reactions to what you propose. As far as updating you every couple of years, if you walked into this placement as having a closed adoption, the Adoptive parents may just be being cautious as to not scare you off. Sometimes, Birthmothers choose closed adoptions and want to keep them closed. I see no harm in contacting the agency and asking if they would contact the APs to ask for more updates. JJ

[A_mothers_love]

I understand your pain and confusion, but Deb is right in saying you should tell them how much you appreiciate their offer and how much it means to you to have even the smallest connection to your child. Even in open adoptions it is totally up to the adoptive parent to maintain that contact. I know it is a hard thing to understand, I hardly do myself. I know how you feel when you say that without you they wouldnt be parents, Amen to that. Your child is no longer your child, a hard fact to eat isnt it, it took me forever to come to that. I would be gloriously happy if my sons parents said that they would write even every two years, something is better than nothing at all. Some of your fears and worries would be erased. If they were open to that contact take what they offer graciously you never know when it can open to more. It must be difficult for you not to know. You must feel as if you are getting the short end of the stick, I would definetly tell your child parents that you do want that contact. They are opening the door for you, that is better than most, remember they dont have to do that. When you write them a letter, be very courtious and respectful, do not give them a ton of information on you, just ask about your child.
Hugs
Melissa

[longgreengrass]

I dont agree with the statement "no longer your child".
the child will always be her birthchild. no adoption can change that.
maybe you could ask for more updates and you never know they may want more contact with you too but are afraid to ask. they may be willing to have one visit a year. you never know if you dont ask.
next time you write or however you get contact just ask them.

[A_mothers_love]

in the firstmothers eyes our children will always be our children, it is the adoptive parents that dont see that. This is what I was refering to when I made that statement, sorry to confuse you I probably should have added that
Hugs
Melissa

[stacyone]

As an amom, I would be very open to more contact than every two years! However, a previous poster got it right -- sometimes aparents are afraid they'll "scare off" the bparents. The attorney that handled our adoption said they had a harder time keeping the aparents away from the bparents than the other way around! At first my daughter's bmom said she wanted letters & pictures once a year but couldn't handle anymore. At some point she asked for me so I e-mail pictures once or twice a month. Now we're going for a visit!

"Baby" steps (tee hee!) is the way to go, I think. Not only for them, but for you, too. Take it slowly and let everybody see how each level of contact feels for them. My daughter's bmom and I also have a "rigorous honesty" policy, too.

I certainly can't speak for all amoms, but not a day, not an hour goes by that I don't think of my daughter's bmom, and feel grateful for the choice she made.

Good luck!

[FamilyBound]

As an amom, I don't have a problem with receiving a call from my agency requesting that the birthmother would like to increase contact. Based on what my child's bmom wanted, I could then make a decision based on how comfortable I would feel with the situation.

If there was an agreement made between the aparents and bmom, then that is the basis of what the contact should be. You can't EXPECT them to change it, but I don't see the harm in asking the agency to intermediate for you.

[Mitzi]

WOW!! what great reply's. We went into this agreement with what they call "semi-open"..which means that we met when I was 6 months pregnant, know one another by first names only and adoptive parents said that they would send letters and pics every two months for the first year. I got that..all of it...however, almost 10 years later...I am just REALLY thinking about how SHE is doing and would love to have more contact. I am scared I maybe "stepping on toes" so to speak, so that is why I came in here to ask....again..thanks for all of your comments!

[mckenna]

i have a friend who is a birth mother in a semi-open adoption. when her daughter was about 9 or 10, she started having a lot of questions about her bmom, so her mom contacted the adoption agency and asked them to ask my friend (the bmom) to attend a mass they have every year for members of the adoption triad, because they would be there and would like to meet up. needless to say, they did and have had an open adoption ever since. my friend (as well as her parents and grand parents) get to see the child 1-2x's a year and it has worked out perfectly. you might be surprized at the aparents reaction, your daughter may be having a lot of interest in you at this point too. good luck

[sspete]

Don't be afraid of stepping on toes. I would surely ask! It never hurts to express your need to know how she is doing. If the offer stands at every couple of years, take it and run. That is better than nothing. How about when you ask for more info, more often you give the time frame. Say every six months. Just some thoughts. spete

[tc122196]

While I am the adoptive mother of an almost 2 1/2 year old (Ethan)....his birthmother is my cousins estranged wife. My husband have many times sat and looked at our gorgeous son, and asked eachother if his birthmom even cares. She has not once called and asked about him--even though she is open to. Never a card, a gift... I think it would be in your best interest to ask for some contact...maybe your childs adoptive family is asking the same questions we do...

[FamilyBound]

You are only stepping on toes if you are calling the aparents directly because you are putting them 'on the spot.' However, you are going through an agency, an intermediary, who will relay the information to the aparents so they can decide what they want to do. You are doing the right thing by doing it this way -- I hope you have a happy response! Please let us know