[jp33]

Hi. Looking for some facts, and reassurance.
Heres my story:

My daughter and her boyfriend told us 2 years ago she was pregnant and they did not want the baby. We, my husband and I,
decided we would raise the child. They lived with us (daughter and boyfriend) throughout so we could make sure she was taken care of. I, did the babies' nursery adjoining our room, my husband and I picked out the name. We were in the delivery room when he was born. I stayed 5 days in the hospital with my daughter. They came home, and we immediately were "mom and dad" and not grandparents. We have had the child for 2 years.
My daughter considers him her brother, and the father, well he's a deadbeat and most likely considers him nothing. However,
we do see them mostly my daughter very freqeuntly and our son thinks she is his sister. We will of course tell him later in life when he is emotionally mature and ready...
The relinquishment of rights papers by both have been signed long ago...appointing us guardianship and future adoptive parents.
Our court date is near. Our lawyer says we must still do the social study as its the law. Which, is fine, However I am terrifed that they will think we are not good enough....I mean, are my fears overblown regarding this social study? If it helps you to answer my questions...this is how we have raised our son since birth-
he's always had his own room, completely showered with love...
if he's sick I sleep in his room on the floor, or sitting up holding him....he loves me and I love him with all my heart....he's never had a spanking, hes polite, shakes hands, etc, very healthy never even had one ear infection his whole life!!! He's learning his
meal prayers, etc....we dont smoke around him, dont drink...
He has his own room, a seprate play room with all the latest like stereo, tv vcr, you name it.....our home is always clean, he is always clean, we have a large clean kid friendly fenced yard....
I am a retired nurse, I did not renew after he was born I wanted to be a stay at home mom (I'm 42) he's never been with a babysitter outside the family....he's my light, the love of my life and my husbands also.....but, I'm so scared of some stranger prying into my life.....some people tell me they come and look under your beds and open your icebox (which they can my beds have no dust bunnies and icebox always full of veggies etc) but they tell me how mean and rude and they look at you like youre not good enough....this makes me uncomfortable....this child is so loved and I would give my life for his....we make about fifty thousand a year, but we do not bank....we pay our bills cash and continue on and always have been that way...we dont do credit cards, etc.....will this make us look bad? If so why? The chilld is and always has been more than exceptionally supported by us...private insurance, small savings of his own which we put money in that he gets from birthdays etc.....topnotch medical care
under any sign of sniffle....its apparent to anyone that the baby has been well taken care of.....my lawyer tells me I worry too much and we should have no problems at all......
How about the criminal check? My husband squeaky clean but I back in the day I guess maybe like 20 or more years ago I had written some bad checks (nothing like thousands or anything) and had traffic stops, etc....nothing that has to do with children or anything like that...will that matter? will they think I was a dreadful person? Is there social study people who actually see the love for the child and not the stock pile of money?
Please help me out on this....
I'm extrememly nervous. Everyone has been scaring me to death..
Thanks so much.

[Tigger]

I'm so sorry you are so nervous. I was a wreck before our first homestudy, but it's truly not that bad. We've had one foster care homestudy that is updated yearly, and two adoptive homestudies. Traffic tickets and bad checks are nothing. My hubby went to jail when he was 18 for being young and stupid. It had nothing to do with children so they just had him write out a detailed explanation of what happened and how he's changed since then. I was terrified this would stop our foster care license, but it really was no big deal. From everything I read I don't think you have a thing to worry about. I'm sure people have gotten some coldhearted people doing their homestudies, but we've had three wonderful people do ours. Just hang in there and try to remember to breathe, lol. You'll be fine. Congrats on your upcoming adoption. The most important thing is to be honest. Our social worker for the two foster adoptions we did said they are more concerned with people who try to present themselves as perfect than with people who openly admit to mistakes.

[jbtemple]

Hi-

I was just reading your post. You sound like wonderful parents, and any social worker will see the same. I have worked with our local department of children youth and families, and am a single parent. They were much more interested in the love and care I could provide than anything else- your house sounds much neater than mine- even on home visit day!

One other way to look at it is that all of the social service agencies prefer kinship placements- keeping the child a part of his or her birthfamily, and that is what you and your husband so lovingly provide- so be proud of that!

My only word of advice would be about your son. Try to share his story with him now while he is young, so there won't ever be that "shock" learning his sister is his birthmother. I have told my son his birthstory ever since he was a baby, and now at four, he is very comfortable with the fact that his "birthmother wasn't able to take care of him, and she chose me to be his Mama". It's as natural as anything else in his life to him, and positive too (I wanted so much to be a Mama and he made me so happy).

Good luck with your homestudy- I am certain it will be just fine! Your love for your son will be the best advertisement for your home!

-jb

[peacefulgirl]

jp33..... (((HUGS))) you sound like a wonderful women and mother ! Please do not worry yourself sick ! I do not think you will run into any problems with this visit. I think you may have heard a horror story, it is not good to listen to those, you never know what that situation was or why they acted that way.

There are so many children out there with no homes, certainly they wont take yours when he is so happy and loved.

I know what our heads do to us when we are threatened with our children........ dont let that happen to you. I am sure you will be fine and that you will get a great report.

I went through a custody battle, or should I say threat. My sons father who I never married (thank god!) decided to go for custody, well he never went for it, he just used that in court as a card to get more visitation and such...... but the threat alone cost me a lot of sad, scared days !!! There was NO reason for him to ever win..... I was married, stay at home Mom with my 2 kids, plenty $$, nice house in the suburbs, ect. My life was my kids. But still, the threat alone makes you doubt all you know, it makes you look at everything with depth. Do not do this, it is a waste of precious time. Take that time to love your son and family. Do not waste a minute with doubts. I learned the hard way !! I regret every second I spent worried instead of enjoying life !!


Please know you are fine and you are a great mother. He is a lucky boy and God's gift to you. Now one can mess with God's plan. Relax.......... pray for peace......... and enjoy your life !!

Bless you
PG

[Support2Adopt]

jp, relax! You're doing great! Social workers don't expect Ward and June Cleaver. With a home study, they are just looking to make sure that your home is a safe place for a child. You might ask in advance for a list of what you need to have in your home for safety such as fire alarms, a fire extinguisher, etc. As far as the criminal backround check goes, what they are looking to see is if there had ever been any charges filed against you for any kind of child abuse. It sounds like you have a very loving household. You'll do just fine. :-) JJ

[longgreengrass]

in the state that i live in you dont need a homestudy or social study to adopt from a family member especialy if you are adopting from your own son/daughter.

[faith_amom]

RELAX!! You are going to be just fine. The social worker WANTS to approve you. She isn't looking for dust bunnies. She is looking to see that your child is loved, and it sounds like you have that covered. Just be yourself, and you will fly right through the visit.

- Faith

[jp33]

Oh. If you could only see me sitting here with these huge tears running down my face....Yall are such great great people and so full of support and honesty...I hug you each and every one..
I guess I'm a little emotional tonight, the baby has had a bad night....the one medical thing he has, and has had since infancy is
mild to moderate eczema on like his elbows, feet, etc....he's been on every single topical medication there is, and just got put on the new cream, Elidel...well, I put it on his yesterday and it seemed to aggravate the areas plus made his tummy turn red..
I called his pedi this morning and asked for something else and told him of the side effects and how it seemed to be making a bad situation worse....well, supposedly Dr. knows best...he said CONTINUE to use the cream.....so after play and after bath tonight
against my better judgment I put on the cream....oh my God!
Just about 9pm (CST) (I'm in Texas) he was screaming in agony and holding his tummy I pulled up his shirt and his tummy and all along his legs were so hot like fire and soooo red, as if he'd been burned....if you knew me you know I get very upset at any little
thing that seems to make this child suffer in any way...so I frantically stripped him down washed the cream off and applied some light regular cream to the areas....It was if I could feel his pain and it killed me....I finally got to the point where I was blowing on his tummy with my breath he seemed so in pain.....my husband was gettting read to take him to the ER, we just suffer so with him, no matter what it is.....well, he calmed down and
seemed to enjoy the lotion and my blowing calmy (yeah right) on him and he just leaned on me so sweet...it just breaks my heart in two.....he was so tired and looked so miserable....I got him fresh light fitting clothes but before I could finish dressing him he laid across his bed and fell asleep...I know I must sound like a loon, it's just so hard to describe the depth of my love for this child....he hurts, I hurt....he cries, I cry.....so I couldnt bear to leave him just laying there alone so I spent the next half hour gently rubbing a light layer of vasoline on his back and legs while he slept.....and of course crying to myself the whole time....
I know, it's just eczema but he's such a beautiful child, so sweet
and innocent and loving, it just hurts me to see him hurt in any way....I finally tucked him in (he never did wake up) and left a light air blowing on him and his radio on and fish nite lite going...
so here I am, all emotional because he was suffering and I log on and see such nice replies....oh how I wish I could explain the love for this child....I am such a softie anyway but children just bring me to tears.....hes like an angel to me....beautiful curls big blue eyes....sweet sweet baby....to see him in any kind of pain just
cuts me to the core.....my oldest daughter who is 22 and yes, I have 2 grandchildren who I loved dearly too, laughs and tells me
"Mom, what are you going to do when he goes to school?" and I tell her "Go with him"...LOL....If I could I would but of course I do know that moms love can only go so far...that I'll have to give him independence....eventually....but, for now, I'd lay my life down for this baby.....like the movie John Q? Oh, thats for sure me in a nutshell....LOL....Oh, I feel so much better typing this, I'm so glad someone out there is listening...:-) Maybe I am overprotective, I dont know.....but to me, its just love....true love.....real love...
and I know he knows it.....if nothing else he will grow up and know that I loved him with all my heart and soul....I tell you, its as if he came from my own body....theres no feeling that hes anything else....hes such a beautiful boy.....an angel from heaven....you probably are laughing at me, but I do I guess maybe weird things to some, like I sang happy birthday to him when he was born and on his first bday I was awake and at
12:30 am went in and sang happy birthday to him while he slept...
I could sit and watch him sleep endlessly....such innocent and purity....how anyone could harm a child moritifies me....ever since he was an infant he loved to have his little back rubbed...he'd just stretch and smile...and here I am 2 years later, still going in and rubbing his little back for him while he's asleep....sometimes he smiles in his sleep.....I read to him while he's asleep, play all different kinds of music, just anything that I think may soothe him....he gets up in the middle of the night and comes to my room on my side of the bed and I wake up immediately and say "whats wrong baby?" and he puts out his little hand and I take it and he leads me to his room where he promptly lays down with bunny
(a bunny that looks just like the velveteen rabbit he's had since birth) and I cover him back up and he falls right back to sleep...
wonder why he does that? Is he dreaming and wants me? Does he just want to know I'm there? Of course I cant leave him immediately so I sit by his little jr. bed and rub his back and sing a little song....I find such comfort in it....
I'm rambling...sorry...I just love this child so much and yall have been so kind and once I start talking about him I just cant stop...
I guess you can tell.:-)
I so enjoy your company. If anyone would like to be pals via emai please let me know....I'd love to meet you.
(I've got tons of pics of him too...HAHA)

Thanks so much for all your kindness...and to the one who mentioned about explaing adoption early, I do agree....he will know and also know that she loves him dearly, and I know he will understand....

Children are so misunderstood. So taken for granted....by many.
Theyre smart, they understand, and they have something we as adults dont have anymore....complete and total innocence...
nothing is more a gift from God himself.....:-)

Thanks for listening and I hope to talk again soon.
I feel much better.

God BLess you.

[peacefulgirl]

JP

I am so glad you feel better !!!! Hey you have a mother's heart for that boy, it comes out clear. That is awesome.

I have a son he is turning 18 this week ! I had him at 17 and always took care of him from day one. I never married his father (big blessing !) But I never got State support or anything, I went to work and stayed with Mom for a while, evenually got an apartment and was a single mom for a while. I got married to a wonderful man when my son was 6. His bio Dad is involved and always has been, but he is a friend, not a "parent". He doesnt disipline him or anything. Its tough because my son has gotten into trouble and I had to stand alone in the displine area. I am the "bad" guy. Buy hey he knows I love him and he knows I do what I do to keep him safe. I cant wait till someday when I hear him say those words, the ones that he will only learn when he is a parent..... when he realizes what it is like to LOVE a child.

Anyway......... glad your doing better.

PG

[sheraprincessop]

RELAX - you sound like a great mom. Our homestudy was a piece of cake - I am sure you will do just fine.

My husband and I just adopted two children from overseas and I am 42 - so believe me - age is a non issue - a loving, safe environment is what they are looking for in a family.

As for your son - I absolutely agree with the other post that you should break the news to your son about his mother EARLY - as early as they age of 3 when they start really comprehending what is going on.

The truth is - I know someone that had the same situation and the news was broken to her in her teens - it BROKE HER HEART - she was never the same afterwards. The earlier the better - we plan on telling our children all along. We are reading them books about adoption (but they just chew them right now)

Start young and explain the situation and believe me he will be completely fine with it and work it through like it happens to other families and this is nothing that is a big deal or earth shattering.

Good luck and RELAX!
Best,
Denise

My husband and I just completed our home study about a month ago. I was a wreck before, worried about the cleanliness of the house, making sure everything was just right. My husband called it my Martha Stewart complex! He told the social worker that I was down to cleaning the clean!!!! Husbands, got to love them! I think I went a little nuts cause I didn't know quite what to expect, I too had heard all sorts of things. We had a wonderful social worker who really made the process painless. She walked through the house counting bedrooms, bathrooms and smoke alarms. She never did open a single closet or look under any beds. You are doing right by this child and can not be frowned on for that. You offer him the best situation, being raised by family with continued contact with his birthmother (even if he does see her as a sister at this time). Just relax and be yourself, if you try to be what you're not that eventually comes through. God bless you and your family, He will see you through!

Sunshine

[jp33]

Hi!
I'm having a much better day today. So good to see you all.

Peacefulgirl, I wish you much luck with your son. You sound like a great mom and I know that he will always remember the love more than anything else....bless you.

sheaprinssop-oops sorry I think I spelled your name wrong.
I am definitely going to take the advice about telling him he's adopted soon as possible. I agree that it would be devastating
for anyone to find our such a thing later in life....being honest is the best way....I so agree with you. Thanks for the kind words.
LOL on chewing the books....that was cute

sunshine- martha stewart...lol...thats cute, my daughter always calls me that I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be flattered or not?! Ha ha. God bless you for your kind words.

We have fire alarms, etc, but I do have to remember to bring the fire extinguisher in.

Bless you all.

jp-Just wanted to let you know that we too have firearms, just make sure that they are locked up and that the key is kept in a place that he can't get to. We have a lockable gun cabinet and the key is kept up so high that my husband almost can't reach it!
Smoke alarms in working order and a fire extinguisher are good ideas too. You don't have to worry though, if there is something that you don't have they will let you know and it doesn't necessarily count against you. Glad to hear that you are feeling better and it does help to know that you have all this support out there just waiting to help you.

Sunshine

[jp33]

Hi sunshine!

I think when I wrote fire alarms I meant smoke alarms, LOL>
Sorry. We dont have any guns or weapons around. We do have a small 4 rack cabinet my husband just had to have because he liked the way it looked..LOL...its empty though...actually just on the floor in the pc room, Just havent put it up yet!
Thanks for the advice. I love coming here and reading after the baby is asleep...it's like "my time off" hour or so...

God Bless.