[Adri]

In the past three weeks, we have been contacted through our parentprofile by three potential birthmoms. The first told us that she was just "24 hours" pregnant, and hadn't been to the doctor to confirm it yet....and within a week (and before seeing a doctor) had a miscarriage. The second birthmom had us going for about three weeks, sent pictures of her and her current child, and claimed to have gone for a sonogram that moved up the due date and confirmed that we were going to "have a healthy girl". When pressed to contact our attorney and provide a copy of the sonogram/proof of pregnancy...all of a sudden she "didn't want to work with us anymore".

We have now been contacted by a couple that would like to discuss our parenting...I have had one conversation with the potential birthmom in this scenario and, well....as you might guess, I am becoming a little scared to open my heart again...and of course I know that I might be overreacting...

I was interested in hearing others experiences with this, and perhaps some help in understanding....I want to trust...and not believe that scams are around every corner...if you understand what I mean.

Thanks..

Adri

[Support2Adopt]

Is there any way that contact could be made through your agency or attorney? That way they could screen any potential Birthmothers first. I'm sorry for what happened to you. It's understandable that you would be reluctant to trust again. JJ

perhaps i'm missing something here, but what's the problem with a potential b-mom wanting to discuss "your parenting"? it's probably unrealistic to think that any woman will just hand their baby over to you without asking any questions whatsoever. perhaps you'd be better off working with an agency...they can take care of the interviews and questioning on both sides and spare you having to deal directly with the birthmother. Sincerely, ivy

[Adri]

Thanks for all the feedback...this seems to be a pretty interesting thread. Something I guess I failed to make clear...We have been working with an agency since spring of 2002. Our home study is done, licensing issues taken care of, and we have been assured that our portfolio is being shown. This is a reputable and kind agency, chosen after much research and thought and prayer about what was in our hearts and what we wanted in terms of adoption....It was THE AGENCY that encouraged us to advertise on parentprofiles.com, and even got us a discount! We have done "role play" with their professionals, and I have a background in counseling...

Kelli was right about what I meant in that paragraph regarding talking to birthmothers/parents moving forward. It's not that I can't do the talking, I can. It's not that I don't trust birthmoms...on the contrary I am filled with so much emotion and respect for the ability to make that first call that I have had trouble catching my breath after I find out "who it is" on the other end of the phone. It's the extension of THOSE feelings...the excitement of the possiblity....and the willingness that I have (I can only talk for me here...I think my husband agrees...but often he is more guarded) to open my heart and create a relationship with the potential birthmom. Those feelings are tough to let go, and they hurt.

Adri

[wanttobeparents]

Adri,

I understand what you are talking about. We have been through 2 scams, one that lasted 2 1/2 months before we finally got the medical release and were able to confirm that she was not pregnant. The medical records were always "lost in the mail", or "Here is the tracking number" and the number did not exist in the tracking system.

These are with someone screening my calls and only forwarding the ones that seem to be on the level. I have been so hurt emotionally that I'm sure that I would come across cold and unfeeling on the phone because I am trying to guard my heart. We have 2 more weeks left with the lady screening our calls and then we are out. Out of money, out of hope, and out of patience.

The advise our attorney gave us was.
1. Be friendly and open on the phone. If the subject of money comes up, refer them to her.
2. Never send money directly. Always send money to the attorney to pay the expenses. This makes sure that everything is legal for the states you are both located in. Some states allow different expenses than others.
3. Until the medical records have arrived at the attorney's office, do not allow yourself to get emotionally involved. No potiential birthmother will have a problem with an attorney having access to proof of pregnancy and the OB-GYN to discuss problems that may arise.
4. Do not buy plane tickets ahead of time. Wait until the proof of pregnancy.
5. Make sure the potiental birthmom has access to counseling. She will need help through the pregnancy and afterward to come to terms and make the right decision for her and her baby. And remember that it is her baby and she has the right to change her mind after birth. Allow her this without pressure.

That said, we are signing up with an agency next month. We just cannot put our hearts out there anymore. Let them handle the scams and work with the potiential birthmoms until the counselor is sure she is ready to choose a family for her baby. We may have a longer wait, but I can handle long. I just can't handle hard.

I'm sorry that you have had such rough contacts. I hope your child will soon be in your arms.

Peggy

[JoanneFromNYC]

I understand what you are talking about. We have been through 2 scams, one that lasted 2 1/2 months before we finally got the medical release and were able to confirm that she was not pregnant.

I feel so bad that you, and anyone else who had this done to them, had to go through that. (((Hugs))) When we were working with a lawyer, she gave us pretty much the same advice yours did.

[sheraprincessop]

My husband and I did not attempt US adoption partically for all the statements that have been made on this thread.

It is very sad what people go through - but there are many beautiful, healthy children to be adopted in foreign countries that really do need good parents.

Granted, we adopted Eurasian babies because my husband is part Chinese, Dutch, English and Portugese - but their are alot of caucasian children available where we adopted as well.

Why go through the heartache? We have two beautiful children and adopted within a year.

Our website is www.thecorreias.com - and if anyone is interested in knowing more - post a message and I will reply.

Best,
Denise

[longgreengrass]

birthmoms need to ask as many questions as they need to before they let someone adopt their baby.

[Jennifer]

I agree that birthmoms need to ask as many questions as possible in order for the to have a comfort level, BUT I know all too well the heartache and disappointments when adoption plans do not work out. Having been on our journey for almost 2 years we became victims of 2 scams, the first wasn't too bad but the second, well I won't even go there for right now. It took alot for us to place our trust in someone after that, but we did and were matched with a bmom through a Christian referral on the first time of our profile being shown, she was due in Sept. and sadly delivered a stillborn baby boy in Aug. After a couple months we were matched again through a family member and 2 days before we were to leave for the birth we had a call the bmom changed her mind and was going to parent, which yes I know every bmom has that right, she was 16 yrs old and I can say at this point that precious baby girl is right where she is suppose to be, it took alot for me to see that but I do and still send my love to them all through my family. Well, after that another bmom through a friend of mine, but of course when dh heard the age he panicked and had flashbacks to us having our hearts ripped out again so he was not comfortable with that situation.......... believe me I am kicking myself. Since that one we have had one we had to back out of for legal reasons, another one who changed her mind in January and a couple who could not provide proof and when asked about it they lost contact.

I know it is hard to trust and keep your faith in people, but not all birthmoms are alike, the same way adoptive parents are not all alike.

Protect your heart and do not think with your heart... I have done that and refuse to let my heart take over. Someone close to me once said never put your entire heart and soul in a situation, which I have learned alot from her and a few times I didn't listen to her when I should have, but it is hard not to put your heart into a birthmom because we try to let the birthmoms know we care about them as a person too.

I hope this has helped you, but remember keep the faith and be honest and show a little of your heart....... it will happen, at least that is what I am told.

Jennifer

[mary johnson]

Adri, I know the feeling hun....been through 2 scams and one failed adoption where we had the baby girl for 10 days. My thing is now intuition. I still talk to birthmothers, that come through my lawyer and or my agency. Questions are ok, of course, but on the first conversation when they as about money and living expenses, I turn them immediately over to my lawyer or say myself, I will not do living expenses. Anyone that talks about money on the first conversation is out for that and nothing else - at least I think. And it's funny because from the two girls we've talked to on the phone - I was right, the one completely disappeared after I told her I wouldnt, the other wanted a check for her medical expenses and i told her we would pay the hospital, another scam, maybe not a scam - but a birthmother actually trying to "sell her baby. Just be cautious about that and remember it's a long hard road ahead, talking to someone means nothing and I don't want to sound cold, but there are so many steps to go. Try and find out right from the first call and feel her ouot as much as she's feeling you out. What your offering is a life time committment to raise her child with love and security and perhaps [if your going this way] a triad with her. I understand you want this badly, but try and relax, say a pray and let God lead your way.

[longgreengrass]

everyone in the adoption triad should know sometimes adoptions may or may not work out.
everyone knows expenses come with adoption.
I personally wouldnt want my living expenses paid or other expenses paid until i choose the couple. its not right to have an aodptive couple pay this stuff unless you have chosen them.
I wouldnt talk about living expenses and medical until i have chosen them and known them for awhile.

[mary johnson]

Any lawyer i spoke with or had contact with has refused living expenses - a bmom would have to live with or without being pregnant. I'm in the state of georgia and it's against the law - no choose on the aparents for that expense. My lawyer frowns apon it because he states " the bmom could come back in the future saying they were paid with money and were confused about the transaction. Living expenses should not be paid by the adoptive parents only, if needed the medical expenses. Now if with an agency, which we are there is a fee for that agency that might cover counceling and such for the bmom and or living facilities while she pregnant, but those are covered under your fee for the particular agency.

[longgreengrass]

Some birthmoms have to stop working due to high risk pregnancys and they need to get living expenses and food from some where. some birthmoms dont qaulify for welfare. maternity leaves dont pay living expenses.

[MkMw]

hi LongGreenGrass.....(have you danced with wolves? - tee hee.... I'm not trying to be "cute" just had to ask!)

Anyway, I think the issue here is bigger than valid medical, living and "other expenses. As difficult as it is to imagine there are some who prey on people's emotions. And, LongGreenGrass, I hope your pregnancy is not high risk, and all ends well.

Adri - protect your heart, go with your gut and like everyone else said never, EVER transfer money without it going through your agency or attorney!

[longgreengrass]

my pregnancy is not high risk.
what my attorney and I have decided to do is after the baby is placed with an adoptive couple I will be able to get money that i had paid out paid back to me by the adoptive couple. my attorney told me to save reciepts and things of that nature for when the time comes.
If i was an adoptive or just someone off the road and someone needed food i would give someone food that was hungry like any compassionate person would.