[JanetM]

All,
I am a Bmom of a five month old son in a Semi-open adoption. The other day I was fortunate enough to have a visit with my son, my family (who had never met my son), and the Amom. I am eternally grateful for having had this visit and the opportunity to have a memory of my son outside of the hospital setting.

In talking with the Amom some things did come up that disturbed me a bit and which I'd love to hear your input on. Apparently the Afather is rather insecure in his role as an Afather and this is causing some conflicts between the two parents. Apparently there are a lot of fears on his part that are coming from his mother. I gather that the two Aparents have had some MAJOR fights over the whole situation and there have been some family blowups as well. Our agreement is that there are letters and pictures exchanged through the agency and they have also agreed to accept letters and gifts from our famlies for the first three years. We have NO identifying information about them BTW. All we know is their first names and the general part of the state they live in. Well my parents did send our son a Christmas gift and a Valentines card and apparently this caused the Agrandparents to voice a whole ton of fears about allowing contact from our family. They are very worried that if contact with our family is allowed our son will love our family more than them. There are other fears as well but they tend to all have this same theme. The Amom fortunately does not share these same fears.

That said I do understand the fears but feel frustrated and helpless to do anything about them. Since the Afather did not show up for the meeting and has never written himself I have not been in a position to deal directly with these concerns. I'll admit that I am VERY frustrated. I have bent over BACKWARDS to reassure the Aparents that I have no desire, nor does our family have any desire, to intrude on their lives. The bfather and I met with them several times and this was not an issue until after our son went home from the hospital. My main concern is if this Afather is SOOO insecure in his role how this insecurity is going to affect our son. I realize that legally there is NOTHING I can do about it but it does worry me. I did tell the Amom (who I adore) that we would be more than happy to sit down, the four of us, at the agency with a counselor to discuss his concerns. I don't know if they'll do this or not.

Do you as Aparents have any insights to give me on this? Should I say something to the agency and possibly encourage them to talk with him? Or should I keep my mouth shut and do nothing more at this point? Will time help? Their adoption is not final yet so I realize that this may be contributing to the fears. Honestly my main concern is my son's wellbeing and growing up in an emotionally healthy environment. Given the fact that the bfather and I will VERY likely go on to have another child (Aparents know this) it is very likely that someday down the road that these siblings will want to know each other so I am particularly concerned about maintaining good relationships with the Aparents.



Would love to hear your insights.



-Janet

[jenna202]

Janet,
I've never been in a situation like the one you are in now, so I can only offer limited input. What I've observed from similar situations is that since you are early in the adoption process, emotions are running high. Hopefully, over time, the agranparents will settle in, learn that their grandchild will love them no matter how many people are involved, and they will chill out a bit. Adad is probably just concerned with his parents' feelings, and trying to be supportive of them. I've seen this happen even in birthfamilies, with one set of grandparents getting their backs up because they don't want the child to like the other grandparents more. I think it's human nature. I feel like as long as you have the support of amom, your agreement will be honored - glad she is being so supportive of you - she makes us amoms look good!

I just want to say that I'm sorry the situation is difficult at this time, and I commend you and the amom for being so open and honest about things. God bless you all, and especially your little one.

[mommylovesjosh]

I am sorry that there is so much insecurity in the afamily of your son. We just adopted a baby boy almost a year ago. It's suprising the fears that have come out of the mouths of our families. My dh and I have been so excited and open about how great the bfamily is that when my mom-in-law and my father expressed grave concern, it shocked me a little, and then it didn't. The reason it wasn't so shocking was because they hadn't met the bfamily and didn't get a chance to know them like we did. Also, they are used to how things were done way back (and not so way back) in adoption. It used to be very secretive and nobody knew anything, therefore, they didn't have to deal with the insecurity of wondering if their child is going to have split allegiances, so to speak.

Especially in the beginning you want your new child to be yours, all yours. You have longed for this little one for so long and now you want to soak it all in. It may be nothing personal, just that they may have a difficult time dealing with the aspect of sharing their child to a certain degree. I knew what open adoption was like and yet on our way to the second visit with the bfamily I really resented that I had to "share" our son. That was until I got there and realised that my resentment was totally unfounded. I was reminded that my son was who he was and where he was because of them. They are wonderful people and I am glad to call them our bFamily.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that they might need some time to adjust to all the things that go in to adoption and the relationship with you may take a little time. It sounds like you are doing the right things and being a wonderful you so I hope that you will hang on. I will be praying for all involved.

[faith_amom]

I think time and the Amom are your biggest allies. There is a lot of ignorance in our society about adoption, and open/semi-open adoptions are fairly new.

Your child's Afamily sounds similar to mine. However, since our son's Bmom has chosen not to have contact w/us (semi-open adoption where I send pix/letters twice a year through the agency), those issues haven't arisen.

As the Amom, I have felt a large responsibility to educate myself about adoption, Bmom/Bfamily, how adoption affects adoptees, etc. Meanwhile, my husband sees no difference between our son being adopted versus born to us now that the adoption is final. However, he is grateful to the Bmom, thinks about her, and prays for her. He just doesn't seem to "get" that there is a difference. The grandparents are clueless about adoption issues. They didn't go through the home study process or read any books about adoption. If I told them that the Bmom was trying to contact us, they would immediately think about Baby Jessica and freak out. So, I know where the family is coming from since our dynamics are similar.

First of all, I believe the Afather will calm down once the adoption is final. There is something about having that little sheet of paper that "guarantees" that this baby is "legally" your child. The grandparents probably won't calm down because they aren't making an effort to educate themselves about adoption issues. They have all sorts of unfounded fears based upon ignorance. But, as time helps the Afather to calm down, the nay-saying of the grandparents will have less of an impact. Right now, they are fanning the flames of his insecurity. Once everything is finalized, his insecurity should subside. My husband doesn't seem to be phased by any weird comments that his mother makes about the Bmom trying to track us down, etc.

What's most important is that you have an ally in the Amom. Let's face it - she has the largest influence over your son. I am not saying that Daddy isn't important. He just doesn't have the same level of influence if, as in most families, Mommy takes on a majority of the child-rearing. Also, the parent that is educated about adoption issues is the one who will raise those issues w/the child. My husband will probably never raise any adoption issues w/our son because he doesn't see the relevance. I, on the other hand, have educated myself to know that my son will need to have an outlet for expressing his fears, concerns, etc. about having been placed for adoption. Since I will be more open about the topic, he will talk w/me about it more freely and will, in turn, be influenced by my comfort in the topic, my love for his Bmom, etc. Since I am so supportive of our son's Bmom, he will see that he doesn't need to choose between us. I will tell him over and over again that he has two mommy's that love him -- one who loved him by letting go, and one who loved him by holding on. (Yes, I am paraphrasing Skye's beautiful story here.)

As to your questions -- I think you should do nothing for now except pray for the Afather and Agrandparents. Hearts can change. I know firsthand because I used to be PETRIFIED of Bmoms (pre-adoption), and now I have so much love and respect for them. If, after the adoption is finalized, you are still sensing discord, you can talk to the Amom about your concerns. She knows the family dynamics better than any social worker does.

I am so happy for you that you placed your child with an Amom who "gets" adoption and is working w/you rather than competing with you. What a blessed son you have to be surrounded by so many people who love him so.

God bless.

- Faith

[Sabra]

Dear JanetM:

Perhaps when the time is right you can commend this wonderful adoptive mom on her understanding of Adoption and Open Adoption. (You probably already have. ) You may also mention some research data is available.One of you may wish to research some statistics and research information on NAIC'a web site. http://www.calib.com/naic/

Here is an article that may be of help. I am proud of you for asking for other's advice.

The following article is entitled
"The Support for Open Adoption Found In Current Research"

There are many other reasons to select open adoption that are rooted in the research that has been completed over the past 6 years:

1) Dr. Ruth McRoy of the University of Texas in Austin has reported that in their five year study of over 500 triad members, that children of open adoptions have a more positive image of their birth mother. My question is "What does that indicate about a child's self image, especially when compared with a child in a closed adoption?"

2) Adoptive parents with fully open adoptions are less fearful of the stability of their adoption, and more comfortable talking about adoption, than closed adoption parents. In an article published in "Family Process", a professional journal, the June 1994 issue (pp 141-142), it was reported from this same research by Dr. McRoy that:

"The strong general pattern is that parents in fully disclosed adoptions demonstrate higher degrees of empathy about adoption, talk about it more openly with their children, and are less fearful that the birth mother might try to reclaim her child than are parents in confidential adoptions. The sense of permanence in the relationship with their adopted child also followed this pattern..."
3) Dr. Marianne Berry reports from the California Longitudinal Study on Adoption (an ongoing study of 1300 people started in 1988) that children of open adoptions are reported to have fewer behavioral problems than children of closed adoptions.

3) Dr. Anu Sharma of the Search Institute in Minneapolis (a 35 year old non-profit family research center) reports that information issues are a major preoccupation for adolescent adoptees from closed adoptions. This was found in the process of preparing survey instruments for a national study of adolescent adoptee mental health. (This is a $1,000,000 National Institute of Mental Health study. The first report is available for $20 by calling 1-800-888-7828. It was presented at the Adoptive Families of America [AFA], 1994 National Conference, June 24/26 1994, in St. Paul, MN. You may call AFA at 1-800-372-3300 to get a free copy of AFA's new magazine, "Adoptive Families", that tells more of this study.) In asking open ended questions as to the adoption related issues that concerned them most, both adoptees and their parents listed the lack of information as issues that concerned them the most. In this study 65% of adoptees wanted to meet their birth mother.

This was found to be true of the adolescents in this study even though adoption search experts report that the desire to search usually is not presented and acted upon until much later in life. What will happen to this 65% within the next 10 years? In 10 years will 95% of these same adoptees want to meet their birth mothers? And how many will act on that desire?

4) All major national adoption conferences in the U.S. are presenting open adoption practice as the healthiest adoption method for the sake of the adoptee.


Source:


www.openadoption.org/bbetzen/parent.htm#opennot
Bill Betzen, ACSW, LMSW,

Posted by:

[Support2Adopt]

Janet, it sounds to me like there is alot of fear and insecurity going on in that family. A few thoughts for you. You hardly ever hear of the success stories in the media when it comes to adoption and all too often, movies about adoption place it in a negative light, thus promoting people's fears. In addition, most of the time it's the Amoms and Bmoms who are most involved in the adoption plans, so it is easier for them to build their comfort zone versus the rest of the families. Hard as it may be, I would just try to give it some time. Maybe once the adoption is final and the Afamily sees that you're not trying to step in and take over, things will loosen up some. At this time, I wouldn't ask the agency to step in as it might just worsen the Afather's fears or insecurities. Just try to give it some time and take comfort in knowing the Amom is on your side. JJ

[ellia3]

Hi, I'm not an expert but from reading your post it sounds like the best advice would be to give it some time and pray daily ask God for help and guidance.