[Judilyn]

My adopted 7 year old daughter was the youngest of 4 children in her birth family and has been part of our family for the past 5 years. (all sibs have been adopted but 1) We have allowed the siblings to stay in touch although 2 of them chose not to.(I have recently tried to establish contact with her mom but that will be another story, at another time) They are all much older than her. There is a strong bond between her and her sister who is 18. Her sister was her care taker until they were placed into protective custody. I have tried to be patient but the older sister rarely calls and when she does return her calls she promises her when she will call again and then does not follow through. This really hurts my daughter. It disrupts her life and causes her to act out at home and at school. I consistantly see a pattern with broken promises and her behavior slipping.

My question is am I doing the right thing by allowing this to continue? I have tried to reason with her older sister, explaining how much this hurts her sister. I realize that her own life was full of broken promises and that she is only repeating what she learned even though she may not intend to do so. She no longer lives with her adoptive family and she just had baby herself so I can't talk with them about this .I'd appreciate any input. I just want to do what is right for my daughter.

[Linny]

My opinion.......stop the contact. Though your daughter may have a strong bond with this 18yr old (and blood relatives they may be)....that doesn't necessarily mean that it is/was a healthy relationship.
I cannot imagine that a child as young as your daughter, can benefit from continued broken promises by a person that she basically considered 'her mom'....from what you have written about the past. Perhaps your daughter's behavior is telling you what she feels about all of this, because she cannot express it verbally well.

Keep 'tabs' if you want to know where people are....keep an open mind for later, if need be.......but I wouldn't subject my child to this type of personality....blood or otherwise; unless the 18yo's behavior stopped.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Carmelita Drake]

Dear Lynn
Maybe it is best to tell your young daughter that her sister needs more time to mature. If the 18yr old has problems to work out maybe family counsiling could be considered, in the mean time your young daughter could have back up planns or just have other plans when the 18 yr old ask to visit her. Maybe the little one should not be as available, that might wake up the older girl.
Take care not to show too much dissapointment. God bless

[lucyjoy]

When my son was seven, his six year old sister was placed in another adoptive placement and he was placed with us. The other adoptive mother would schedule visits and not show up and when she did show, was always more then an hour late.
I asked my son how he wanted me to deal with this. I told him the truth, that I had no control over the other family and most the time, she was going to disappoint him. He chose to continue attempting visits, and although it was hard, hewas greatful for what contact he did get.

I have another sibling group with sibs who aged out of the system. The oldest was so glad when the kids were placed because he knew they were safe and he no longer had to be responsible for them. His contact has always been sparatic and I have always been open and honest with the boys about their brother having his own life. They no clearly that I did not kddp them from their family and also, that their brother loves them, but needs his own life. He now lives out of town and corresponds with the boys via e-mail. If they initiate, he'll respond.

I think there is benefit to continue contact, but be very clear with your child that her sister's needs are different then hers. Let her know her siste still loves her but she is trying to figure things out for herself and needs some space and time.

[Support2Adopt]

Because of the pain and disappointment your daughter's bio sister is causing, I think it would be best to cut off contact. I suspect that since the bio-sister has a baby, that she would probably be more likely not to be in as much contact, which in turn could hurt your daughter more. JJ

[lucyjoy]

Losing contact with her sister is another loss for your daughter. Maybe you could arrange the contact with the sister.

Maybe it's just me, but people seem to be in an awful big hurry to give up on birth siblings. I can only imagine what these two sisters must be going through. While erasing big sis might be the easy thing to do, what are the long term consequences? With my children, I would have been viewed as stealing them from their family and it would have escalated their trust issues.
Maybe a therapist trained in adoption could better assess your child's best interest in regards to her sister. In my opinion, removing the sis entirely may eleviate the problem for now, but it will likely create a larger problem later.

[Judilyn]

Just wanted to say thanks for everyone's input. I live in a very small rural town so this forum is a nice way to talk to others whose lives have been touched by adoption.

[bromanchik]

How many 18 year olds are consistant? How many new mothers are organized? I think that cutting off contact is severe. My sister has always been inconsistant. No one has ever suggested we cut her off. My kids have been disappointed by her a lot, but she is family and they have learned to lower their expectations. We cannot protect our kids from hurt. Nor can we change people. I think this is one of the toughest lessons that kids have to learn....that sometimes those we love do not act in ways we want them to.

[Carmelita Drake]

Hello Brenda/Lynn
I agree with you, cutting ties can hurt more. all children get dissappointed one way or another, if she is getting love from her mom and other family members, she will do ok. Her sister is still a kid who needs to figure out her life and priorities, gee how many out there in their 30s 40s and older are still figuring that out, I see many children get let down by their own parents, sometimes never getting taken out for a walk, those parents don't get cut off from their kids. Life can be full of dissapointments theres still other ways to make a child have good days. As long as the little sister gets a card or phone call just once in awhile is still contact. As parents we always feel our kids dissapointment much more than they actualy are. Lynn can only give positive words to her little girl about her sister, no child wants to hear negative words, about anyone espically the one they love, even when they are mad at them. Take care