[MHH]

We are adoptive parents that have been speaking to a birthmom who wants an open adoption. She wants frequent visits- to where she lives. We're concerned bc of the birthmother's past and trouble she's in now, the people she's involved with, and more. She won't budge on anything part of the agreement. Please know that we know how lucky we are that she even chose us and that we were called to begin with! We often think that we could get this wonderful child and we'll deal with the rest but I guess the worry is getting to me as I visualize taking a child on these visits.
Thanks for reading!
Any advice?

[echaos]

I personally would not enter into any lifelong commitment without being 100% sure about all aspects. I would feel that I owe both my future child and his/her birth parent(s) the full respect of abiding by their pre-birth wishes.

As hard as it may seem, just because a birth mother has picked you, you may not want to pick her. I understand how horribly devestating it would be to finally get "THE CALL" and then have to make the decision to say no, this child is not meant to be my child.

Good luck in your decision.

[Carolina Mommy]

I agree...

I know how wonderful it is to get "The Call" and for everything to seem perfect.

But, I also know the pain of having to turn a month and half plan down because the birthmom's ideas kept getting more and more one sided.

Please pray about this situation and trust your gut instinct. You've waited a long time to be a mother and the child of your dreams will come to you if you put yourselves in God's hands.

Good Luck with your decision.

[MHH]

Thank you very much for your replies and advice. I can't believe how much I need other people's help these days..something I hardly ever do. I'm usually the tuff one!
I do believe God has a child for us and we also like to help people in need..we'd like to help this birthmom as well and feel that maybe God send her our way to help....
We have to feel good about it though. You're right about that.
Thanks again

[sweetnoodle]

is totally unreasonable. The frequent part is unreasonable, and the "to where she lives" is totally unreasonable. What else is she asking for? I bet if you told some of her other wishes, you'd get even more caution from people on these boards. Do not get yourself stuck in this situation.

[Moonchild_Mom]

I complete agree Nancy! Frequent visits to where she lives sounds unreasonable. Is there a reason why she wants you to come to her? (lack of transportation, etc.)

It is very hard to override the excitment in your heart with the logic in your head. You have to make sure that you are completely comfortable with any agreement you set up with a potential birth mother before agreeing to anything. This will only be fair to every party involved.

Am very curious as to what other things this "agreement" includes.

Moonchild Mom

[Marfrey]

Do not ever allow yourself to feel "desperate" or that you "have to" give in to whatever the potential birthmother wants from you.

While it's nice to feel chosen there's no way I would commit to anything I wasn't absolutely, positively 100% sure I would be able to do for the next 18 years at least. Granted she may change her mind but if you make a commitment to something you're to follow thru with it. If you're unsure now and feel there are good reasons for you not wanting to visit her frequently at her location, it won't get better later. Things that bother us at the beginning of a relationship that we think "oh, I'll learn to live with it" can become major, relationship-ending, issues. It's one thing when it's consenting adults but once you bring a child into this situation the dynamics all change.

Think long and hard about this AND PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. My advice would be to pass and trust the Lord to bring the right child into your life.

[debsdone]

What this b-mom is asking for feels more like co-parenting than adoption. I would run like the wind! Unless she is a person whos morals and values and lifestyle reflect your own, it CAN NOT work. And then you will be guilty of breaking your commitment. Not a good way to start a little guys life. My feeling, as an adoptee, is that this b-mom wants her cake and eat it too. You, raise, pay for, lose sleep over the child, and she gets all these visits. This situation usually includes child support and they call it divorce. yikes. Love, debi

[MHH]

Your replies have helped tremendously. Some people have made me feel like I'm so lucky to have this opportunity and I'd be crazy not to take it. You all have made me feel like I do have a choice.
I will speak to her about the visits and my feelings. Yes, it's lack of transportation that we must go to her but we're going to see what we can do about that.
As for the other parts...she wants to take the baby home for a few weeks after birth. The other things she wants are reasonable (pictures, phone calls).
Marfey, thank you for your advice...it's exactly what I'm worried about, the child.
Yes, I have an attorney and we are trying to get the birthmom to hire one for herself. The problem is she arranged for an adoption before and the A.parents have followed through on it all.

[jenna202]

If she wants to take the baby home for a few weeks, it sounds to me like she is still unsure of her decision to seek an adoptive placement for her baby. Plus, your risk of her changing her mind goes up astronomically if she takes the baby home.

You definitely have a choice, but if I were in your shoes, my choice would be to say, "ok, this is not the child for me", and move on. I can see this train coming a mile away.

I do wish you the best.

[frances93]

I am new to these boards but after reading your last post I had to chime in.

What do you mean the bmom wants to take the baby home for a few weeks after he/she is born. Isn't that what you're supposed to do so you can bond with the baby? If you do go through with this I wouldn't let her do that. And my other question is, is bmom supposed to be dictating to you what is going to happen? I agree with Debsdone, it sounds like she wants ALL the "cake"!

Be very cautious.

[MHH]

Thanks you guys..
The catch is that she did this exact thing before and the Aparents are very happy??? But...
You've opened my eyes and reminded me to defend myself, my husband and most importantly the child we want to adopt as our own. You've helped me realize that this is not the situation for me and that it's ok to say no. I have to just pray and have Faith that ours will come our way.
Unreasonable is right. I have to talk to her soon.
Debsdone---what you said about her values, morals..it is NOT like ours at ALL.
I already feel better..have had a constant headache and lost sleep (and I have been through some serious tramas in my life, this has effected me the most) and am sure I will feel even better once I talk to her.
THANK YOU AGAIN EVERYONE FOR TAKING THE TIME TO HELP A STRANGER. WOW! I'm thanking God for you all.

[HOLLYWOOD]

first of all she is allowed to take the baby home if she wants. the baby is still hers legally. she shouldnt have to budge on her wants in the adoption.
If you dont feel comfortable in her wants in the adoption you really should back out if you dont you will more than likely regret it maybe not now but someday. You shouldnt have to budge on your wants in the adoption either. you really should match with a birthmom who wants what you want in the adoption.
I will be a birthmom myself and I wouldnt match with someone who doesnt want what i want. visits is a reasonable request.

[MHH]

yes, visits are certainly reasonable and so is everything else-or anything she wants is reasonable it IS her baby and she's doing an amazing thing. we have unimaginable respect for what she's doing. what we're not comfortable with is the people she lives with, the bad and yes illegal things they do and so ultimately we're concerned with the connection. so what you said, we both have to be matched and comfortable is completely true. thanks for your input.

[HOLLYWOOD]

IF you dont feel comfortable dont do it.
she has her wants and she probably is not budging because her wants are important to her.