[Greer]

Can you pursue private domestic adoption while undergoing infertility treatments? Will agencies/home studies allow this? What if you get pregnant, will you be put on hold as far as the adoption is concerned or can you do both at the same time?

is that you should NOT tell the caseworker you are pursuing fertility treatments.

If you become pregnant, are you prepared to have two very different infants in your home at the same time? Does your schedule allow for caring for two infants? Can you financially handle day care, diapers, formula, etc for two?

Just some stuff to think about!

[DianeS]

Never lie to your agency. How can you expect honesty from someone you are lying to?

That said, different agencies have different rules. Some require a doctor's statement of infertility, some don't, some require you to be childless, some don't, some care if you are also doing infertility treatments or pursuing a second type of adoption at the same time, some don't care, etc. So if you choose to do both at the same time, research your agency's rules carefully to be sure you'll be able to pursue adoption at your own pace regardless of the results of any infertility treatments.

Also, don't lie or omit info in a dear birthmother letter, or to the government of a country. Birthmothers and countries choose the adoptive parents for very different reasons. If you are selected *because* that acopted child will be your only child, then you run into problems if it happens to get back that you're pregnant or attempting to become so. Remember birth parents can revoke their consent for quite some time after the birth (depending on their state's laws), and contries assume that what one adoptive parent does will be done by others (adoptions from certain countries have been suspended because of the deception of a few adoptive parents).

Also, adoption and infertility treatments are both very, very stressful. Could you handle having to be at the agency to meet with a potential birthmother on the day you're scheduled for a medical treatment? Could you handle finding out a potential birthmother picked someone else (again!) the day you get your period after a failed treatment? Can you handle being told that a country will match you but ONLY if you promise that the child will be the oldest in your family by at least 3 years? Can you handle being turned down by agencies and by birth mothers because they feel you'd leave out an adopted child if you also had a biological one?

Before you read the rest of this, know that I also have been told I will never have children without medical intervention..what I say now comes from experience...

Know that if you are still pursuing infertility treatments, you can not have truly grieved the complete loss of all possible biological children. And if you are pursuing infertility treatments, you may or may not some day be faced with the full force of that grief. Yes, you probably are fine with the idea of raising a child someone else gave birth to, and fine with the idea of raising an adopted and a bio child together-- But even if you also think you are fine with the idea of never raising a child you gave birth to, the *fact* that that will never happen because all possible treatments have failed can hit with the force of a ton of bricks.

It is my personal advice that you choose one or the other to pursue at this time. I have seen people assemble all preliminary paperwork and hold it until the day they see the result of the last treatment, and submit it that day--and I think that is enough to separate the two. But to do the two at the same time has created a lot of problems and heartache for the people involved, and it is my personal advice that it be avoided.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

[hope21]

Our agency actually encourages you to continue to try and conceive IF you want to . If you do become pregnant, I think they put your file on hold.

They actually told us that it is helpful because some people who were SURE they couldn't get pregnant, do- and that moves others who can't get pregnant have more oppurtunities available to them.

I for one am glad our agency openly allows this, because you just NEVER know....the Lord works in mysterious ways! I am all for adoption at this point and can't wait-but there have been cases of people having a "surprise" pregnancy while pursuing adoption.

If you are continuing to try because you deep down feel more comfortable with a biological child- perhaps you should keep thinking before commiting to an agency (just a thought). If you just want a baby as soon as possible, which every way it comes, then i say go for it!

PS- NEVER EVER EVER LIE to your adoption agency! If they catch you in a lie about one thing, they may second guess other things about you.

[Moonchild_Mom]

I have to agree with the last two posts about choosing either adoption or infertility treatments. I would highly suggest you explore every avenue of treatment first and then if you do not have any success begin the adoption process. Going through infertility is a very emotional experience. You have to come with terms about it before embarking on adopting which is also a VERY emotional experience. I spent seven years riding the infertility roller coaster and when all failed, I decided to take time off from becoming a parent and would not even consider adoption at the time until I had time to grieve over my loss. As it happened, once I really let go of having a bio child and came to terms with my position, our adoption literally fell in our laps. It will not be that easy for all, but I don't think I could have handled all the emotions I experienced going through the adoption process if I were still suffering the grief over the failed infertility treatments. Please give it a lot of thought.

Best wishes.
Moonchild Mom

[ivorysoul]

Hi,I have a friend going threw this exact process. She is having sergery to try and help her infertility.She is going to star her adoption process in about 6months.I dont feel there is any reason she shouldn't do both.There is nothing saying she will get
"PG" and it may take 3 to 5 years to get a adoptive child.She wants 4 children anyway. She is prepared to handle the situation if she gets both close together.So I say Good Luck to Her.God Bless!

[Bobby]

Hi.
My husband and I were advised by the private adoption agency that we worked with that we could not pursue further medical treatment for infertility - it was seen as a conflict. When we were undergoing medical fertility treatment we were not allowed to pursue a homestudy or evaluation. It would seem that for both camps the lines are drawn in the sand and you are advised by both sides not to pursue the other. As it turns out I underwent my final I.V.F. procedure which failed ( i miscarried the embyros) but then the next month our first son came to us through adoption. We were able to mourn our biological child first and although the adoption came quickly we have never looked back.
Get your ducks in order first if you are pursuing the adoption route - you don't need to bring baggage about your biological child upon your child through adoption.
Good luck, Bobby

[Greer]

Thanks for all the replies. I must respond regarding the grieving period that so many people, agencies and home studies emphasize because I'm not convinced it is relevant to all people. So, please read the following and let me know what your thoughts are.

The concept of having to go through a grieving period in the event one is able to conclude they are infertile is something that perhaps doesn't apply to all people?

If your goal is to have biological children and you are unable to, then you have to come to terms with it. Adoption then becomes something you may consider after going through failed infertility treatment. This situation is the situation where a greiving period may be required.

However, if you're someone who wants children and this means bio or adopted or both, I don't see how the grieving period applies. Someone who has always wanted to adopt and is trying to build a family of multiple children entirely through adoption or adoption plus bio hasn't approached the family building process in a linear fashion, ie try to have biological children and then if that doesn't work, go on to the adoption route.

if you're someone who wants children and this means bio or adopted or both, I don't see how the grieving period applies.

we planned on having some and adopting some, looking forward to both equally. Yes, you will grieve. You might not grieve now, but imagine how your adopted child will feel in 10 years when mommy is sick with grief, for no apparent reason. Or do you tell the child, I always wanted to give birth and I never will?

Maybe you will be the rare exception, but I think everyone grieves this loss. Everyone.

[DianeS]

Of course there are people in this world to whom a *biological* child is not the goal--they simply want to be parents, and however that happens is fine.

However, if such is the case with you, then you are the first one I have ever heard of whose goal was simply to parent but who was willing to undergo infertility treatments instead of choosing the adoption route exclusively.

Of course, you haven't yet said what kind of infertility treatments you are undergoing--the type and expense will play a big factor in how invested you are in their outcome. Nor have you said how you feel month after month when either your period arrives or you see that negative pregnancy test. You haven't told us how you feel seeing pregnant women around you happily discussing their due dates and wondering if the baby will have blue or brown eyes. All of that matters.

If none of those give you a twinge of "why me--isn't it my turn to have a child?" then perhaps you are the rare one who will not grieve if you learn you cannot ever have any biological children.

But if none of those affect your emotions at all, then I have to question why you are pursuing treatments at all.

In a nutshell, you have to want something in order to consider doing it. Since you are seeking treatment you do want bio children. They do not have to be the end-all and be-all of your life for you to grieve that they are not here and never will be. Even a simple "it would have been nice..." is enough to grieve over.

Yes, it is possible that you may be one who will not grieve the loss of all potential biological children... but then again you may grieve after all. And you'll never know until you hear those words. I do not consider it a risk that is worth taking. The odds are stacked against it.

Again I counsel "one at a time". The emotions can get too mixed and too overwhelming if you pursue both treatments and adoption together.

DianeS thank you for a well written post that conveyed exactly what I was thinking!