[BeckyS]

My daughter has 3 biological siblings that are with bMom & bDad. We have a semi-open relationship whereby we send pics & letters thru the agency (I have received only 1 letter from her so far). My daughter has just turned 1 & until now I have always referred to these siblings as brother & sisters but I am afraid that will be confusing as she develops more understanding of language & of family relationships. I am curious to get opinions from others & any sources of information that you have found helpful in this situation. I am an 'information nut' & have read tons on adoption topics but not a lot on this particular situation so any referrals of books, articles, online sites would be greatly appreciated. I think if we had a more open adoption this might prove to be a bit easier & I hope for it in the future but it's just not where we are at with bMom & bDad right now.

[stevekaren]

Hi Becky,

Our son has three half-brothers -- two are grown (22 and 20) and one (9) lives with our birthmother. We have a semi-open arrangement -- it was quite open prior to our son's birth, but the birthmother has requested only letters and photos going forward. Our son is only 3 weeks old, so this is all new.

Our current plan, based on our discussions with our son's birthmother, and because of our semi-open arrangement, there will be no on-going contact with them during his childhood, is to tell him about his half-brothers when he is 18. That may change -- I just don't know how inquisitive he's going to be. His half-brothers all know of him (we have a great picture of all 4 of them at the hospital), but based on friends that we have who were adopted, who were reunited with their birthparents and siblings at various ages, we think it's best to wait until he's 18.

That's just our situation - hope that helps a bit.

[jenna202]

I would be really interested in any books or other information resources anyone could suggest on this subject as well. My daughter has three biological siblings also who may or may not end up living with birthmom and birthdad (court date is next month). I want her to know they exist, and if they go to an adoptive family outside the birth family, I would like for them to exchange photos and letters, and maybe meet once in a while. But I want to handle it in such a way as to minimize her confusion (knowing that there will be some, no matter what). If they go back to the birth family, there will be no contact, other than that I will give them a friend's name and address to contact if they ever want to contact my daughter when she's older.

I also have the problem that birthmom wanted the three older kids, and is fighting to get them back, while she allowed my daughter to starve (13 pounds at 10 months old!!). She and birthdad willingly signed my daughter over to the state months ago. How do I explain that they wanted her brothers and sister, but not her? And in this case, it was obviously not because they could not provide for her, they just didn't want her - period.

[lambeausam]

My youngest son (3yo)has three half-siblings - one in foster care in another state, one whose whereabouts are unknown and one who is presumed dead. The one in foster care is younger and we have had contact and visitation with that family. Reunification is not possible, but we are fulfilling the next best thing. The boys know each other and talk on the phone. My son knows that he has a big brother that lives with him and a little brother that doesn't. I have explained to him that in some families the children live with different parents and in some families everyone lives together. He understands this. Think about how many kids are living with only one parent as a result of divorce. As for the other two half-siblings, there is not a chance that he will ever meet them, so I will wait until he is a teen-ager to explain that part of the family.

My oldest son (7yo) does not have any biological siblings, but was so excited to meet his "other" little brother this fall. The little one's foster parents even view all three boys as brothers.

My suggestion - create a plan and stick with it. If other family members or friends are aware of your child's background, make sure they know what your plan is and agree to support it. Give them suggestions on how to address any questions that your child may ask when you are not present.