[azfamily]

We are matched with a birthmother who found our website on adoption.com. The baby is due in May....

We are so excited but at the same time very cautious. We had a failed adoption in October and God I hope that we do experience that pain again.
This birthmother wants us to be involved in her pregancy. Today I am taking her to her doctor's appt then shopping for clothes. She is not asking for any assistance only help in getting her to her appt's and some clothing needs right now. Our bmother contacted our caseworker immediately after our initial meeting, before I even had a chance to call. She is very willing to work with our caseworker and will fill out all required documentation.

I guess my question is how do I handle this pre-placement communication. I'm afraid to become to close but I don't want to come off as being unsocialable. Our bmother is asking for letters and pictures after placement. I don't know how I am going to make that break of building a close relationship during our wait for this child and then only sending letters and pictures after placement.

Can someone tell me how they handled this kind of situation.

[Support2Adopt]

First of all, congratulations on being matched! Since it's so early in the pregnancy, maybe you could make some kind of arrangement about how often the two of you will see each other during the pregnancy. Say, maybe get together once a week? Whatever arrangements you make for after the baby is born, be sure you both agree to it before the baby is born. If you are comfortable with face to face visits after placement, you might want to ask her to see how she feels. Each Birthmother is different. Some would love to have continued contact with the baby, others would find it too difficult and some would be comfortable just with letters and pictures. JJ

[stevekaren]

Congratulations on your match! We were matched on August 22nd and our beautiful son was born on December 10th -- so we were matched about 3 1/2 months beforehand...

Our birthmother, "V", lived about 4 hours from us, and we used a facilitator who happened to live in the same town. We were present at the ultrasound appointment, and the facilitator helped her get to appointments, etc. When we first met, she wanted no contact after the birth. By the time Allen was finally born, she said she wouldn't mind updates and photos through the mail, so that's what we will be doing.

I must admit -- I was very cautious about getting too close when I first met V. Through no fault of hers, I was just afraid of getting too close to her. My husband was more worried about me bonding too much to V for fear that when the baby was born, and it was time to separate, that it would be too hard.

Our son was born 3 weeks ago, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss V. We started out talking once a week, then twice a week. Towards the end, we were talking every day. We had a unique situation, also, in that V was older than us (I'm 34, DH is 36 and V is 41) and has three other children (22, 20 and 9) so we would talk about raising children, parenting advice, etc. We also went up a few days before he was due to spend time with her and her 9 year old son.

While I miss her, I know it was V's wish and desire to move on after the birth, and to be updated only through letters and photos. While it's hard, I'm respectful of it. I'm also so busy being Allen's mom that while I must think of V 100 times a day, there is always something else that takes my attention away from it.

V was very clear about her desire to move on, to get her life back, etc. That doesn't mean she doesn't love her son -- but she knows he is loved and is being taken care of, and that's what she wanted. So that helps me to move on -- and knowing that helped me to be close with her during her pregnancy.

I'm glad that V and I became so close prior to Allen's birth. When Allen is older, I will be able to tell him things about his birthmother that most adoptive parents can't -- and those things came from our close relationship. I also never talked to V without a pen and paper nearby -- every tidbit of information she gave me I wrote down; some day, those things will be important to Allen.

My advice is to go with your heart, but don't fear a relationship with your child's birthmother. Keep healthy boundaries but never forget that this person is about to give you the biggest gift of your life -- the more you know her, and her thoughts and desires and wishes for your child's future, the better you'll all be in the long run.

Just my .02 cents Good luck!

Karen
Wife to Steve
Mom to Allen (12/10/02)

[azfamily]

Thank you for your advice.

Karen, I understand your husband's concern with you bonding with V. My husband is more concerned in the what if she decides to keep the baby and how I will accept that decision. I guess that is my biggest concern too and that's why I am so cautious in building a relationship.

I guess this is just one of those challenages that God presents to us.

But.... I did get to hear the baby's heartbeat yesterday. I didn't want to show my excitement, but my own heart was beating as fast as the baby's. The ultra sound is scheduled for mid January and the due date right now is the end of May.

Thank you!

[stevekaren]

If I can offer some advice on what helped us to cope with the fears yet still bond a great deal with V... To a prospective adoptive parent, the biggest fear is always the birthmother deciding to parent. But, something I had to keep in mind -- every single day -- was that this baby was still V's. I didn't become an adoptive mother until she became a birthmother -- and that was when the consent was signed two days after his birth.

She chose us to adopt her baby back in August. We attended doctor's appointments and I was thrilled the first time we heard the heartbeat, and when we found out it was a boy -- and I got outwardly excited and tearful, but at learning HER child was a boy with a strong heartbeat; he wasn't my son yet.

It's a tough road to walk and so very hard to keep straight... In our case, V was very strong on us being the parents -- even in the hospital, she made it clear to the hospital staff that while she was their patient, and that she had given birth, she wanted us to be acknowledged as the parents. But, even with that, I felt strange jumping up to change his diaper or to feed him -- which is what she wanted us to do. And, I wasn't comfortable calling the baby Allen until we left the hospital two days later, after the consent was signed. She originally named him differently, knowing we would change it (she kept our given first name was his official middle name), and she alternated by calling him her given name and the name we were going to name him. It wasn't until after we left the hospital that I called him Allen. It was then that I was his mom.

I feel Allen will only benefit by us bonding with V, especially to the extent that we did. We truly came to care about her, cried with her, laughed with her. We were there for his birth, not just physically, but emotionally because we had such a close relationship with V. It made everything that much better, and our experience so much more significant. One memory that stands out was when V and I were in her hospital room, just the two of us, and she was holding her baby (a day old at that point), and we held hands and cried togeter... It was bittersweet but touching at the same time -- that kind of moment only comes when you bond -- and it's a memory that still touches my heart.

I just wanted to share what helped us -- my prayers are with you as you go through the next few months... It's a rocky road sometimes, but in the end, it's absolutely amazing

Good luck..