[polkadotghost]

Hello, I'm very new to this and a little nervous about posting. Sorry this is long but it's complicated. In August of this year while finishing a homestudy to apply to adopt a child we were approached by a close friend "Maggie" who's brother "Sam" had a friend "Sarah" who was an 18, pregnant and wished to give up her child for adoption. Over the 4 months before the baby was born we spent a lot of time with Sarah, getting to know her and her us and we became good friends with her. Up to this point we hadn't had much contact with Sam. Sarah's baby was born a few weeks ago and we were given the honor of taking her home, our first child. We are madly in love with Chrissy and feel like we have been granted an amazing miracle. We have always gotten along wonderfully with Sarah and want her to be apart of our daughter "Chrissy's" life. She is a very mature, wonderful person. (birthfather is in jail for a loooong time). After Chrissy was born Sarah and Sam started dating. In the hospital the nurses encouraged Sarah to give the baby a different name than the one we had all picked out (she was still okay with us changing the name later to the one Sarah and we agreed on and actually we incorporated the new name she picked into the middle name). The problem is she picked the name of Sam's deceased girlfriend.

Now Sam is extremly overprotective of her and the baby. During the 10 days she could change her mind we've had them over almost every other day with the longest span between visits being 3 days, on Sam's insistence. Sam will frequently call Chrissy the other name and when passing the baby to Sarah will say "I'll give you to where you belong". He also was questioning us today about if we both die will Sarah get Chrissy back (he seemed very irritated when I said my parents who are very young would take care of her) He also told us that we are not allowed to move out of our town as they would "have serious issues with that" but we've never once said we had even thought about moving. When he's around Sarah is very quiet and doesn't say anything but she seems to agree with him. Sarah has always been wonderful with us and we have worked very hard to have an open and sensitive relationsihp with each other. But Sarah is now living with Sam and goes wherever he goes as she doesnt' have a car.

The 10 day decision period is over and she is a permanent part of our family now (legal part gets done in 6 months) but I dont' know how to deal with Sam or the constant visits. I'm nervous about saying anything and feel like the bad guy here. I want to make our relationship work with her as we strongly believe it is in Chrissy's best interests that she be a part of her life. After their visit today I was so upset and I don't want it to be like that. Sam is very disruptive to Chrissy's routine ie waking her up because Sarah wants to see her awake then Chrissy screams like she never does. What do visits on average look like? Are there on average more visits in the beginning then spread out later? How do we work with Sam and Sarah and make our relationship work? Please help, how do I handle this in a sensitive way? And if I said anything in here to offend someone I didnt' mean to, I just really want help.

A

You need to tell Sarah that you want to continue a loving relationship with HER. Sam has no business being involved in this. You need to express your feelings to her and her alone. I would put an end to this while it is still early in the relationship before it really gets out of hand.

[Stephanie]

April,
Hello and congratulations! I am sorry that the situation has become difficult for you and your family. I think that you should talk to Sarah about this. If you had good communication before your daughter was born then you should be able to talk to her. If she is as mature as you say then she will be able to understand that you all would like some together as a family and that you could set up regular visits that you all agree upon. Someone on this board gave me some good advice....it is all about setting boundaries. Sam is not the bfather and has no business dictating to you all what you should and should not be doing. I also think that if he cannot be supportive and positive of the situation then he does not need to come to the visits with Sarah. These are the things to discuss in a sensitive manner with her.


I hope I have helped some Feel free to pm me if you just want to chat! Congrats again on your little one

Stephanie

[ellia3]

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Since it sounds you and Sam sister Maggie were good friends try talking to Maggie about it and see if she can talk to Sam without upsetting him. However, if you don't feel comfortablewith this that is fine because he is not Chrissy birthdad and should not be coming into your home dictating your do's and don'ts. You didn't mention what type of visits were agreed upon with Sarah before the birth. You and your husband really need to sit down with Sarah alone and dicuss visitations that would be good for you, your husband, the baby, and the birthmom not SAM. I would recommend stopping the visits with Sam since he is already becoming over protective and possessive. I would definetely continue visits with the birthmom especially if that is what was agreed upon before the birth, but i recommend having visits with Sarah alone. Pray and ask God to lead you with the right words to appraoch Sarah about this situation. May God Bless You.

[Support2Adopt]

{{{April}}} You really shouldn't have to be dealing with this and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Is there a way your agency or attorney can intervene? I would suggest talking to them and seeing what they can do for you. Sam is not the bio father and has no say in anything. It's Sarah that counts and you should stick to whatever your original arrangements were with her. JJ

[polkadotghost]

thank you so much for your advice. My husband and I are so new to this we feel like we're flying blind. I did call Sarah and talked to her about what happened on the weekend. She had noticed that Sam was out of line several times and felt bad. She agreed not to call our Chrissy the other name she chose and we arranged to have breakfast tomorrow, just the girls. I emphasized with her that we need to learn to communicate with each other not through other people and we need to vist with just her sometimes. I am going to try to talk to her about visits tomorrow and slowly lengthening the time between them. Just feel like I'm walking on eggshells as she's pretty hormonal right now and experiencing some post partum (she's going to get it checked right away). Thanks so much for your support and suggestions, just wanted to hear that I wasn't overreacting.

April

[brittu]

I guess the question that comes to mind for me is do you have a counselor involved? Even if you don't already have one your attorney or the person who did your homestudy could suggest one. I think it's really important to have a trained person available to talk to both of you and help quide you through the various boundary and communication issues that can come up. This has been extremely important for us and for the other families we know.

Britt