[vickisc]

Hi parents...I have a question and could use some advice. My husband and I have 7 children and the last one is adopted. She is 4 1/2 years old and I was there when she was born and brought her home the next day. She is loved so much. I babysit for a distant relative who also has a boy the same ae as my daughter. They have a baby also. They get along like normal 4 year olds. Playing most of the time and fighting once in awhile. The little boy has problems as far as he has started wetting his pants several times a day and being distructive. His parens argue all the time and his mom is at the end of her rope. The father told the mom yesterday that he doesn't like it when the kids fight because his son is sensitive so he's going to teach his son to say to my daughter that "at least my parents are my REAL parents"!!! I was just shocked as well as my husband and older children. The mom said she hung up on him. The boy has gone to his Grandfathers the last 2 days although I still have the baby. I am so angry and sad that a grown man, I might add he is from another country, that should be a role model for his children would ever teach his son to saysuch a mean hurtful thing. I will not tolerate a statement like that from anyone in my home. This is a man that goes to church! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have already let the mom know that they are children and you do not teach this kind of thing and she needs to let her husband know that she told me and that we are the REAL parents. I know that there are loving parents that give their children up for all the right reasons but unfortunately my daughters bmom was a different situation and we are actually having a DNA test done next week with one of the men that signed papers. There are several men. I will not let anyone hurt my daughter on purpose. Please...I welcome your advice and comments!
Vicki vickisc@aol.com

[DianeS]

IMHO, this issue doesn't have anything to do with most of the things you mentioned in your post. It's not about adoption, or family relations, or being adult, or going to church. It's about respect for other people, plain and simple.

If the boy's father thinks what they're having is normal childish squabbles, then they should be left for the children to handle, or the he should help teach the children ways to calm themselves down. If he thinks your daughter is causing a problem, he should ask that she not be around his son. If he thinks that you aren't supervising them or correcting them the "right" way, he should seek out a different sitter.

On your side, the father should be told that if he teaches his son such rude, discriminatory things, that you will no longer babysit for him. People who say such things simply to hurt are "toxic" people, and there isn't much point in being around them.

Teach the boy's father about childhood squabbles if you can, and the proper ways to help children resolve them, but if he persists, then why be around him? He'll just come up with something worse to say when that particular sentence loses its effectiveness. Enlist his wife's help in teaching him the inappropriateness of this, but stick to your guns--if he persists in thinking this is the way to talk about your daughter, then leave.

If he can be taught that such words aren't acceptable, and he is receptive to that, then you surely can continue your relationship. If he is not, then for the sake of your daughter remove her from contact with such a caustic person. There will be children in her life who come up with such ideas on their own, and you can teach her the correct replies to them. But child vs adult isn't ever fair--even when a boy is the mouthpiece of the adult it's still the same thing.

Calmly and respectively explain that to the boy's father, and see if he's open to another way of teaching his son to handle squabbles with playmates.

[vickisc]

Thanks for your advice! The man in question is my son in law's neice's husband. I babysit at my home and he is very rarely around us. Him and his wife are in a bad marriage and part of this is playing this child against her. The mom is 22 with 2 children and very frustrated. He pays no attention to the baby only the 4 year old. Yes the children have arguments normal to 4 year olds. He had just told me a couple of weeks ago that he didn't know what to do with his son because he is causing so many problems. I told him the problems I am having with him and so I'm thinking maybe he is mad at me so it's his way at getting back at ME. I will not let my daughter be exposed to this kind of behavior from any adult. The child has been at his Grandpa's this week and I still have the baby. He already had some problem with the Grandpa today. Thanks for your advice. I'll see what happens but I will not tolerate this and you are right about him being toxic!
Vicki

[slikmom]

Part of our (sometimes unfortunate) role in the world of adoption in a manner as to advocate for our children; we have had to be part of educating those affected by our family. Some of the 'politically correct' terminology still gets under my skin... some of mainly comes from certain extended family members. It hurts too! But it is how we advocate for our family that will make the difference. For example, when I am asked if I have any of my own children (since all three of my children are adopted)... as if my children are not my own... My answer is 'Just my three.' To me it is a way to get my point across and not get into any direct conflict.
However, you can educate, educate, educate.. and some people will just not understand... We went through this with some members of our extended family. The bottom line for us was to stand up for our children and our family, and those that want to be harmful can live without us... We dont need the stress!
Heather

[vickisc]

Thanks and you are so right! First let me say that I am a mom to 3 bio children, 3 stepsons (the older one lived with us until he married last year) and 1 adopted daughter;so we have 7 children from 30 years old to 4 years old. Yes we have a big age difference! There is absolutly no difference in the love I feel for all of them as a mom. So I didn't give birth to all of them; it doesn't matter. I am the one who loves and cares for them through their lives. They all have little things in their personalities that are different but that is a good thing. We are fortunate because our children are all brothers and sisters and they never say step or half or adopted. I know lots of mixed families have problems with their kids...so we are very lucky and blessed. Our extended families accepted our adopted daughter although some of them thought we were crazy to adopt when we had OUR OWN>There's those Terms again! I have heard and read about people's ignorance and the cruel and mean things that can be said but this is my first experience personally. I actually talked to the wife of the man that made the creul remarks today and she said "I told you he is a jerk". He said he would never adopt and that's good because he's not a good parent to his bio children. I guess the whole situation just caught me off guard and because I am a caring person I think everyone is! The son that he is teaching to say mean and hurtful things to my daughter I won't be babysitting for anymore. He's going to a grandfather The baby I still watch. Thanks for your reply...it helped alot.
Vicki

[Linny]

Three cheers to slikmom! I agree completely! I had not repsonded to this post, cause it makes me sooooo mad about ignorance like this......I don't write a very good post!
Looks like it's all been said anyway.......and very well, I might add!

Consider the source. Ignorant people seem to dominate this ol' planet..........like slikmom said, sometimes you can educate, educate, etc......and it makes no difference. I tend to just figure people WON'T get it. So when folks ask, "any kids of your own?" I say, "oh yes, everyone's adopted! (Well, sometimes, if I think they are sincere, I will say, 'no,.....everyone's adopted!"
People can't seem to get over the fact that I am THRILLED my kids are through adoption........we CHOSE that! And I waste no time in telling my kids that adoption is INCREDIBLY special....in fact, we say, "Adoption is as......if not MORE special than birth!" )
(Hope I didn't offend anyone there.)

Well, I'm rambling now, so I'll put the soapbox back into the closet!


Linny

[vickisc]

Thanks for your post! I guess I grew up naieve and always thought people were kind. The older I get the more aware I have become as to all the ignorance there is. Why in the world would a grown man with children want to intentionally hurt and teach such hate? I have no desire to even try and eduacate him but if there is a next time that I see him I will make him aware that I know what he said and that it is unacceptable! Adults wonder what is wrong with the kids of today....well look at some of the people that are parenting. I appreciate everyone's posts and I feel much better knowing your opinions!
Vicki

[slikmom]

Thank you-- I am glad I posted my reply....!!

[Rainbow mom]

Here is the Dictionary discription of real:

1 : of or relating to fixed, permanent, or immovable things (as lands or tenements)
2 a : not artificial, fraudulent, illusory, or apparent : GENUINE <real gold>; also : being precisely what the name implies <a real professional> b (1) : occurring in fact <a story of real life> (2) : of or relating to practical or everyday concerns or activities <left school to live in the real world>


1. I am not going anywhere from my child therefore I am REAL.

2. I am not an illusion therefore I am REAL.

2.1 I relate to my children in the everyday world therefore I am REAL.

Be careful of allowing your child to see how upset you've allowed this man to make you. Remember you control your feelings not him. If you are a christian pray for him and his family.

[vickisc]

Thanks....I was raised Jewish but we were taught it is how you treat people here on Earth that counts! My husband was raised Christian though. I have not let my daughter see or know what happened. She has asked how come her friend is not coming over for me to watch anymore but his brother still does. I've told her he goes to his Grandpa's now. She is satisfied with that answer. Unfortunately or maybe not when someone from our family including the mother's uncle, who just happens to be my son in law sees this man, someone is going to say something to him...and rightly so. When he gets into a bind and the grandpa can't babysit someday we'll see what happens. My mother has told me not to take the chance and watch him anymore because our childs happiness is more important. She is way to young to fight a battle of that nature. By the way we are in the process of waiting for a DNA kit to arrive. One of the possible bfathers has agreed to the test. Our attorney advised us to go ahead with it. He signed relinquishment papers so it won't change anything. I met with him and he said he would like to know. This man went to school with my oldest daughter and when the bmom told us his name she couldn't believe it. Five years ago he was heavy into drugs so he said if the bmom was hanging round with him she would have been doing the same thing; although she said she wasn't doing any drugs. He seems to vaguely remember her even though we know he saw her over a couple of months. I can't imagine having sex with someone and not remembering but then again that's a whole different lifestyle. My daughter resembles his sister and another daugher he had 6 months after she was born. Busy guy! I have tried to contact the bmom to have her participate in the DNA but her mom has not heard from her in two years and we haven't either. This was suppose to be a semi open adoption but she has closed it. The reasons for the DNA is for her knowledge later on and for medical history. She has a heart condition and will have surgery again for the third time for a different health problem.
Thanks again...Vicki