[Mrspit66]

My husband and I are in the final disclosure stage of adopting a set of brothers. They are special needs kids, as the agency we've been going thru specializes in special needs kids. We do not have the boys yet. We are at the point where we decide whether we will take them or not.

My question is, for those who have adopted in a similar situation, when you received all the paperwork about the kids, was it truthful? My quandry is the agency I'm using says the psych reports, etc., accentuate the bad so the foster parents will get more money basically. Those of you who have adopted, has it been your experience that as far as the paperwork, it DOES accurately reflect what's going on with the kid??

Thanks!
Cathy

[iss36]

Cathy
A friend of mine adopted a special needs teen. The Sw didn't reveal everything she should have. After a year has past he is still finding out stuff that they held from her. And ofcourse it is all moch worse than she could have imagined. She confornted them and they said they have every right to do so.

I don't know if I helped you or not bu I hope I did alittle.

[Mrspit66]

That is REALLY scary. I am not hearing good things about this boy already. I will have to check into that further.

Hope I get more encouraging news from others out there! But I really do want honesty!

Thanks for your input!!

Cathy

[Cris]

I adopted a child at 17 months and we were told that he was a normal 17 month old and was developmentally on target. We were told they suspected abuse and neglect from his foster home though. Needless to say He was delayed by 9 months in most areas and had a number of medical and emotional problems. It was very hard to deal with at first. You have to keep in mind though that you will never get the full information from an agency no matter how wonderful they are. Until you are with that child 24/7 you don't know everything about them. The most important point is no matter what problems these children have they still deserve a home.

I have adopted three times and am looking to adopt again. I have accepted that I won't get all of the info. My son has been with me for 1 1/2 years now and we have worked and continue to work very hard with him. He is developmentally on target now and we are working with his emotional problems. You won't believe the bond we have together after going through the past year and a half. I have gotten so much joy in helping him thrive. It was hard work, but I wouldn't change a moment of it. He is my sweetest and most loving child. The thing that scares me the most is if I had know everything about him I wouldn't have accepted. It scares me what I would have missed out on.

I know I probably didn't give you the answer you were hoping to get, but just ask yourself if you want to love this child. If you do then you can get through anything that will come. All children deserve a home, even the ones that have problems.

Let me know if I can help you with anything. I've been there and I would be more than happy to assist with anything!

Good Luck!

[slikmom]

It was my situation that the paperwork was overly negative... granted the children had challenges.. But a lot of that was due to the nonsense that had been happening in their foster home...
To be honest with you, the true evidence is when they are in your home for a while.
And double check that all genetic, psych reports have been done.. Not all case workers are on their toes.
Have an open mind that everything mentioned in the reports is possible as the worse case scenario.. and hope for the best. Dont prejudice the children because of people's opinions.

An additional note: I had no idea I was adopting 3 physically and sexually abused children until after they had been with me for 4 months.. because abuse which happens in foster care never had come out.. so you never know.

Just be prepared for the worst, and hope for the best.. and have an open mind.

Heather

[Peggy]

My child's paperwork was overly negative. I was fortunate to be able to talk to the foster parents, and her therapist. The chance that any reports will accurately portray a child are just that a chance. They will slant to one way or the other depending on who is writing it, what the motivation is, and what was already on the form prior to the current caseworker recieving the case. Plus some behaviors are brought about by the new placement/adoption. Try to talk to people who currently interact with the child.

[Linny]

We would never believe that we were getting all of the information about a child.......again.
It is true that it can sometimes be difficult to 'get it all together for adoptive parents'. However, in our case, we were openly lied to.......and we now have the paperwork we were to have received BEFORE placement. (We had to go through an attorney for this.)
Our son is now in residential and will remain there. His dangerous and impulsive behaviors prohibit that he will ever live here.....or any other traditional home. Had we been told that he had been in a psychiatric ward for almost 1.5 months (straight) at the age of four.....for the behaviors he was exhibiting..........we would NEVER have proceeded with the placement.

If you are having second thoughts now.........I would tell you that we too, had second thoughts. Not just the 'flutters' about having another child......but actual, "Gee........I don't know. This is pretty serious stuff", kind of second thoughts.........I would urge you to seriously consider these.

Our son stayed in our home (for almost four years) with every therapy imaginable.....including 'holding therapy'. Nothing worked. He has no conscience.....no remorse. In the end, he not only did a lot of damage to our family physically, but emotionally, as well.

While I believe some scenarios are 'bleak'......I would also add that children who may have disturbing behaviors and are very young, do have a greater chance for 'healing'. Our son was seven when placed with us.

It is true that these children deserve a home. But, the safety of the rest of the family must be the highest concern. And it is very common that some children cannot live in a traditional home.

I do not say these things to 'scare' you. I wish that someone, somewhere, would have said these things to us back then......but we were overly trusting of 'the system'. I would definately speak with the past foster parents and others (teachers, etc) who deal with this child now.

I have adopted three special needs children, and he is the only one that has been this severe after years of trying.


Sincerely,

Linny

[Mrspit66]

Originally posted by Cris
The thing that scares me the most is if I had know everything about him I wouldn't have accepted. It scares me what I would have missed out on.

Cris, that's exactly what scares me too. I'm trying to get some answers from the case worker. Have been for almost a month! It's frustrating. I know the CW is very busy, but . . .

I'll keep ya'll posted. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we wrestle with this decision.

Cathy

[Cris]

I totally agree that if you have other children in the home they have to be priority and that you have to watch what you do. But if you keep in the same age range or younger chances are the other children become wonderful role models. You also have to keep in mind some children's behaviors maybe worse in their foster home and would get better in yours. I'm a foster mother as well as an adoptive mother. I have see many children be abused in foster homes. All children deserve a chance in a typical home. I feel all children can thrive, but violent children need a special kind of person and a home with no younger children. My son didn't start making progress right away and we just kept going to different doctors until we struck gold. I do believe there are some children I could not help, but my son I could.

My son was a lot of work and there were many times I just wanted to give up, but one day I saw a glimpse of that little boy inside him and I couldn't give up even if it would take the rest of my life. I do think that Children Services are sometimes to quick to place a child in a home that they aren't sure can provide what they need. I don't judge anyone for their actions and I'm sure it was hard to put your son in residential, but you did show him (wether you think so or not) that someone loves him and you tried the best you could. He is still your son and even though he isn't in your home you can still show him you love him. Every child and adult deserve to have love no matter what their behaviors. These children are the way they are because of situations, not be cause they are bad children.

I have nothing but respect for anyone who has adopted a special needs. I know how hard it is. I still am working with my son. I do believe that you know what you can and can't handle and you need to be happy with your decision or else your child won't.

All I want is for people to realize that everyone deserves a chance to have a family and I hope that no one would miss out on having a beautiful child like mine. I would have said no to him had I known. It would have been the biggest mistake of my life. I still am not certain of his future, but the one thing I do know is he will always have a mother who loves him!

One more thing. Yes CW may be busy, but there is no reason to slack. You need to advocate for you and your child. Keep pushing and go up the line of command. Maybe if more people pushed we all wouldn't be in such difficult situations!
Good Luck!

[Swanson]

I think we have to understand we are taking in human beings, not something that goes back to the store if something is wrong, or if it's not all we dreamed of. you go into this with unconditional love as your foundation , or you will not make it. Anytime a child comes to you from a bad situation you know there is going to be problems, no one has to write it down for you. So , determine in your heart to love and do your best and make a difference in a life. .There is no higher calling then to Love.

[lucyjoy]

Love is not always enough. Most parents whose adoptions disrupt love their child deeply.

Psych evals are not faked to get more money for foster parents.
They're not always accurate because the kids don't always cooperate.

I've found the children's behavior is generally worse then the reports indicate and a social worker suggesting they were false
would send red flags up to me.

That being said, sometimes the behaviors are worse because the situation the kids are living in allows it. I have a kid who did these really horrible things in a former placement, but did not here. He clearly admits to doing the things the other family removed him for. When I asked him why he didn't do those things here, he simply said it was because I wouldn't let him.

Talking to the former foster parents is a good idea if they will let you. Also, talk to his currant therapist. If you still think something's wrong, trust your instincts, those warning bells go off for a reason.

[Swanson]

Love is, finding out all you need to do to help them, there are books and classes people can take to help educate you on the problems and how to deal with them. There is work and dedication in doing this. When I say LOVE, I mean it in a deep way, not just a hug and a kiss, but doing all you can to understand and deal with helping them grow and heal. It isn't an easyroad. I don't think everyone is born to take this on either, it takes a desire to just begin with.....and then some.

[lucyjoy]

I wasn't talking about a hug and a kiss either. Books and training aren't very helpful when your kid,s trying to kill people even after you've taken him everywhere accross the country for treatment. But hey, maybe me and the other parents in this situation just aren't devoted enough.

[Swanson]

I am sorry didn't mean for that to come out like that. There are children that have very serious mental problems and end up later doing things as well ,they give early signs to look for, hurting animals and people happen to be signs of serious problems. The result of sexual abuse and other abuse can damage them and I am in no way judging you and your efforts, I was only offering some hope. Please forgive me for coming off as judgmental I didn't mean that...

[lucyjoy]

Yes, well sarcasm probably isn't one of my better qualities either.
It's really heartbreaking for a parent who has to remove their child and they are often "shell shocked" from living with them and people accuse them of not loving their children. It's very hard.