[Linny]

I have posted to these boards for some time now. I also post to other adoption boards. I am an adoptive mom six times over. We've adopted overseas, special needs, older and infant children. Most recently we've adopted through an attorney/agency. I have grown children, as well as very young children. I'm 45yrs old, have read and experienced a lot about the adoption triangle. Through all of this, we have formed our opinions.

I do not claim to know everything about adoption. I have learned much by some of the postings listed here. I have even been told by some, that I have been 'helpful'. I am honest in my statements and I do not tell others what type of adoption they should have, my views on 'fertility issues', or getting pregnant at all.

I am saddened that lately, whatever issues or situations are posted, the issues become clouded into one of two views:

'If you AREN'T in favor of open adoption, then you are the most thoughtless, selfish and cruel parent anyone would know!"

or

"If you ARE in favor of open adoption, then you are the most wonderful, thoughtful and giving parent anyone would know!"


There are people on this site who have never adopted, are in the process, are dealing with loss, have encountered 'failed' adoptions, or aren't even sure exactly what they want to do.
And there are people who post to these sites, who answer some of the issues, then add words similar to:

........you know, be careful of people who want only closed adoptions because they only want your baby.....they aren't thinking of your baby or you............they don't know what 'sharing is all about'....they aren't enlightened and have little regard for their babies' future.....etc, etc, etc.

What I find even more discouraging, is that if any birthparent or adoptive parent were to even suggest in a post that they were considering a 'closed or semi-open' adoption, they would be hanging their necks out for sure! (And there are BIRTHMOMS who still prefer a closed, or semi-open adoption for their own reasons......good reasons because they desire it, and I am not in their shoes pretending I know from where they speak, or judging their thoughtfulness in regards to their baby.)


Each of us comes here with experiences to share. Each of us has validity. And each of us seldom knows the other or what the other has been through to arrive at their opinion.

I guess I just wish that each of us could be more considerate, address the issues at hand....and maybe, through each other, we might acquire some knowledge w/o belittling our individual views on a subject that is so near and dear to our hearts.


Linny

[chris27288]

linny, i'm very new to this list. we are considering adopting our third child. our two children were adopted internationally and transracially. i have read your posts on this board in different areas and i'm glad to have your oopinions. i feel that you know where you are coming from and certainly have experience with all kinds of adoptions. keep it up, i for one am learning by your experiences.
thanks,
chris

[SuburbanMom]

Linny - I agree with you on a lot of what you said. It's a shame there's been so many negative (and angry) posts lately. I don't believe open adoption is a "one need fits all" kinda thing. I know someone who has adopted 3 children all in closed adoptions. In one instance, the bmom has AIDS. She did not want a relationship with the child because she didn't want him to see her ill and to know she died (which she is predicting will be soon). Maybe everyone needs to understand that sometimes even the bmom will chose a closed adoption. It's just not right for everyone. And everyone is definitely entitled to their opinion. But it needs to be stated as an opinion and not made in a threatening way.

Keep posting what you want to say. I value your opinion.

[JORDANMODE]

Hey Linny I am a birthmom and I to have read a lot of the posts ... let me start by saying you in no way have offended me by preferring a closed adoption and your views are not ones that you force ... you have given adoption whether open or closed a lot of thought .... and for that you have every right based on that thought to choose your "comfortable perameters" I support you and even though my adoption is "semi-open" I have no problem with your choice .. you are an eloquent well informed compassionate individual and those traits in themselves will benefit a child immensley ..... from a birthmother ........ i applaud you and supprt your convictions stick to what you know you want .... and it will come to you

[ALD]

Hello All!
I have been reading a lot of the posts in the adoptive parents threads because I am interested in what aparents think and feel concerning adoption. I am a birthmother in an open adoption. I personally would not want it any other way.
Linny, I agree with you totally. It does take certain people to make an open adoption work, it isn't for everyone. Adoption is a very personal thing. And for all these people to come here and talk about it takes a lot of understanding and compassion. My rather "new" experiences with adoption have been different than anyones elses, as true for everyone here.
Being a part of the adoption community, I read and think about every post. Then I can form my thoughts accordingly. I would never think of writing something hurtful, there is enough pain in the area of adoption. We need to come together for support, nothing more.
My heart goes out to each and every person involved in adoption, because at one time, we all have felt pain.
ALD

[debsdone]

Linny, I just today saw this thread, thank-you so much. I have been feeling very badly about all this. Perhaps it is simply that those with the strongest, loudest opinions get the most press. Well, that would be obvious here, right? I have to try to remember that there are countless "quiet" ones who have a loving opinion, as yours was. So again, thanks. Being adopted has it's confusions, it does not help to feel like a chess piece!

[belkins]

Dear Linny-
I am a birth mom and just had to share a few things with you, I am glad if you have a close adoption or adoptions that you did them because that was what you were comfortable with and did not make promises you later felt you couldn't keep or were not comfortable keeping. That is my biggest gripe in the whole world is that so many adoptive parents are not honest with themselves about what they are really comfortable with and end up hurting the birth mother who is dependent upon them for pictures or updates and never gets them. I realy wish more were like you and did some soul searching and praying before deciding on what type of adoption would work for them.

Brandy Bottini-Elkins
Lifemother to Amberlie Jeanette aka Amelia Hurt 6-23-99

[Linny]

Thank you all for your support in posting. I was so very 'low' the day I wrote this. I really believe these forums should appreciate anyone who is trying to do the best for their situation....and if we can all learn from each other.....how much better off the world would be, huh?

Thanks for taking the time to respond. It truly meant a lot to me!


With sincere thanks....


Linny

[JORDANMODE]

You are welcome ... you throught your posts have reached out to others .. I am glad the same was extended you you .. we all deserve nothing less SMILES

[NCGN20]

Hello everyone and good luck to all searchers of answers.
I am an adult adoptee and a birth mom who has recently found my son.
I had to reply to this because I am on both sides, literally.
My own adoption was obviously closed because I am unable to find any info at all.
My son's adoption was open (sort of), but we respected each others privacy throughout.
As an adoptee, it is very frustrating not being able to find out anything about myself for me or my son. I don't know what the situation was all about back then, but it makes me feel like I had no options then or now. It's my life too!
I can fully understand the right to privacy, but at the same time when you bring a life into this world , at some point in life you must be available for that person if only info. purposes.
The adoptive parent needs to realize we're human beings and that we will be curious at some point and it makes it easier when it's not like hitting a brick wall. Resentment and frustration and wondering is carried throughout a lifetime. It helps when the adoptive parents can actually help thru the process not, go against it.
When I found my son I wrote to the a parents and they assisted with the reunion and were supportive thru it all. This makes it all easier for everyone, although there are alot of mixed feelings. That's when everyone neeeds to stick together for the child. Not keep secrets and try to shut out the one person that can provide answers.