[noahboy]

ok so here it goes.

I am an adoptive mom going through the process in texas. We have had the baby for seven months and it is still not final. My lawyer seems to be dragging her feet. It is suppose to be a closed adoption done privately we met the birth mom but she has never seen the baby. Recently she called asking if she could see the baby one time. I am very apprehensive. If the adoption was final i would not hesitate. She claims she is moving away and still wants a closed adoption but wants one visit. I'm afraid if i grant her this now she will change her mind. Her 6 month waiting period is up but we haven't gone to court. I also feel that if she needs to see the baby to put closure then how can i deny her this. She has given us so much. How can i say no without hurting her? Im also afraid that she could just take him. My lawyer isn't much help and changes her story everytime we ask her a question. We have power of attorney over the baby and a certified affidavit of relinquishment. any suggestions on how to handle this please respond. thanks.

[Linny]

I must have said this three times this week......but I'll state again before you read this further.....I am not an advocate of open adoption 'across the board'. (In our six adoptions, only one is semi-open, and I am not convinced it is the best route either..though, we agreed to it and will uphold it.)

That said, if you agreed to a closed adoption, then I would continue with 'a closed adoption'. Yes, this birthmom has borne the child you now have in your arms......but the decision to release, was also hers.

I would not take any chances...especially since your attorney is not helping in any way. I would not give any chance for further problems, nor put anymore complications to what could be a longer road ahead for you.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Linny

[lucyjoy]

Is she moving far or soon? Maybe you could schedule this goodbye visit immediately following the adoption. I know you said the attorney wan't much help, but you might try asking the attorney what if any legal risks to doing this visit.
I really understand your concern, but I also understand what the b-mom is asking for. She may not have been ready to say goodbye before. It might also be something nice you could share with your child about his b-mom when he gets older.

[Linny]

I'd like to add this too:

Not knowing the laws in TX, I'd be sure that I found out from the attorney 'just why the adoption has not been finalized'. This would seem super important, and it sounds as if you are trying to find this out already. You say that you don't want to hurt this birthmom....but add that you are afraid she may 'take the baby back'. There must be something here that isn't 'jiving' with you somewhere.

I would not feel that I had to have this visit 'because I was denying someone something they stated they didn't want in the first place'. The idea that 'birthmom would take the baby back whether she saw him or not', doesn't hold water. Has this birthmom contacted your attorney about having a visit?

And.....I would not simply hold this visit for the sake of having the visit. If the child is 'going to find out' in the future (and believe me, I'd be the first to tell this child).........then the child would also find out why the visit wasn't conducted too.

And finally, let's say you decide to have a visit. In doing this, I would do so only at the office of the attorney, or her counselor......with a counselor or cw present (hopefully, the one she may be having counseling sessions with already?). In this way, the supposed closure is done, the visit is conducted, you also are protected and everyone is sure this is done in an orderly fashion.


Linny

[lucyjoy]

One of my sons talks about the one time he got to meet his birth dad at court when his rights were terminated. His dad took the time to talk to him and gave him a hug. His dad didn't have to do that. He'd never known mom was pregnant but that's another story. My son understands that his dad couldn't care for him. But that one visit was so important to him.

This birth mom made a decision to put her child up for adoption because she loved him, not because she didn't want him. She agreed to a closed adoption but she feels the need to say goodbye. That's not a horrible thing.

[Support2Adopt]

Personally, I would allow her to see the baby. It could help give her closure and reinforce that she made the right decision when she could you all interacting as a family. If she wanted him back, she could have already gone that route as legally, she had the right to change her mind. Now that her waiting time is over, I don't think you have to worry about her taking the baby. To make you feel better, though, you could meet in a nuetral place, such as your attorney's office. This would be a wonderful opportunity to get to know her better, take pictures, etc. These are things that would be wonderful to share as your child gets older because most likely your child will want to know about her, see pictures of her, etc. JJ

[twyla]

Hi, Noahboy

I am a waiting adoptive mother and if I were in your shoes, I would allow the visit. I have a problem with the sterile atmosphere of an attorney's office, though. It makes it seem as if the whole thing is just another legal step you had to take. Why not take everyone out to lunch at a fast food joint? Or as an alternative, ask if you could have this meeting at your church, then you could bring some snacks for everyone. This would be reasonably easy on your budget, plus the surroundings would be so much less formal and more like the family gathering for a goodbye that it is supposed to be.

On another note, if your attorney is not forthcoming about your legal status, I would fire him or her and retain one that was willing to earn their salary! There is no excuse for this lack of communication! Call your local courthouse and tell them your problem, they can tell you the steps you need to take to report this attorney for malfeasance or nonfeasance of duty. (If you don't know what I just said... doing the job wrongly, or not doing the job.) You might be able to get this attorney off the fence by merely stating you are going to go to the judicial review board about this matter. Having spent seven years as a police officer a while back, I am fully aware of how the system works. The squeeky wheel usually gets greased, so squeek!

[schatz]

First, I really like what Twyla had to say.

It is common for adoptive parents to worry that the bmom will take the baby back. This is not an indication that something isn't right but is a normal fear. Studies show that adoptive parents who have met their child's birthmom have less worry that the birthmom will take the baby back.

Meeting the child's birthmom allows the adoptive parents to see that birthmoms are just humans, not the monsters society has made us out to be.

Pay careful attention to everyone who noted how much this meeting will mean to your child. No matter what kind of adoption you have, chances are the child will want to know about his/her birthfamily. You can't make the birthfamily disappear even in a closed adoption.

You would be doing you child a world of good by allowing this visit and taking pictures. Adopted children need to know that they were not abandoned, rejected, or unloved by their birthparent. Your child will have questions and fears pertaining to the adoption. It would be wonderful if you could provide your child with pictures and a story about this meeting with the birthmother.

You might want to read "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge. This book does a wonderful job explaining the different questions and feelings adoptees have as they grow.

Think about your child, not about your own fear and uncertainty. And find a new lawyer.

[twyla]

Thanks, Schatz, for backing up my comments! I really feel that this attorney is contributing big time to the insecurity that the adoptive mother is feeling. That's just practicing law in a plain lousy fashion and shouldn't be tolerated!

[bmLisa]

When I was making the adoption plan for my unborn son I thought that I would not want to see him or hold, name him or even receive more than one letter a year updating me on how he was doing. I tried very hard not to become attached to him because I was scared that it would be too hard to let him go. Once he was born I changed my mind and knew that I had to love him as much as I could while I had the chance and not only did we name him, but he stayed with me in my room the whole time. I am lucky enough to have been matched with a compassionate couple who understood why my feelings changed and agreed to more pictures and letters when I made that request. My boyfriend and I also got to spend an afternoon with Cole and his parents when he was 6 months old. Visitations were never agreed upon in the beginning, but Cole's parents agreed to this one. Were they scared? Absolutely. Was I scared? **** right I was. I didn't want to see Cole again because I wanted to take him back, I just needed to see for myself that I had made the right choice and that he was happy. Seeing them all together as a family reaffirmed my choice, and I got to see for myself how much they love Cole and how much he adores them. I also realized how different his life would be if Trav and I had parented him.

No one can prepare themselves for what it feels like to place a child for adoption. I did not know what I was agreeing to when I signed that first communication agreement where I only asked for one letter a year. I can only be thankful every day that Cole's parents keep an open mind and don't let fear rule their lives, or I might not be getting as much as I am. I don't know the laws of Texas, but where I am from after I signed my relinquishment papers 10 days after Cole was born there was no turning back. It took another 6 months for his adoption to be finalized, so I did get to spend the day with him before he was legally adopted.

If no one ever took stared fear in the eye and said ' You will not hold me back' where would our society be today? I know how frightened you must be, but your child's bmom pushed aside her fear to give her child a better life. Please find out about how the laws work in Texas regarding adoption and if there is any amount of time in which a bmom can reclaim her rights or not before you make a final decision.

hugs,
Lisa

[Jennifer]

First I would have quite a few questions for your attorney, according to Texas laws finalization is 6 months and sometimes 3 of those can be waived, so I would be looking for alot of answers, secondly once the relinquishments are signed are they not irrevocable since you are way beyond a 11 day revoke period that I recently found out about.

I see no harm at all in allowing your baby's birthmom to see him, you can always meet in a public place if you are all comfortable with that. I am sure she is only looking to make reaffirm the choices she made for this precious baby. Do check with your attorney but if it was me I would not feel good about denying her one visit, but that's me.

Let us know how things go.

Jennifer

[linlacor]

Hi,

Wow, lots of comments on this topic. I just have to share my 2 cents. I am a birthmother (I placed my daughter for adoption 14 yrs ago through Gladney in Ft. Worth who at the time only offered closed adoptions). I am now a prospective adoptive parent working with Abrazo Adoption Associates (a wonderful agency in San Antonio, TX who do open adoptions www.abrazo.org).

Do not fear your child's birthmother's desire to have a visit with the child she gave birth to. Even though my adoption was closed, Gladney did allow me to have one visit with my daughter when she was 4 days old. I was allowed 1 hour alone with her and I can't imagine placing her had I not been given that visit. Gladney's philosophy on adoption are very conservative and are always more concerned about the adoptive parents than the birthparents so the fact that even they allowed me this visit seems to imply that they don't feel a visit will cause a birthmother to change her mind.

If a birthmother is going to change her mind, seeing her baby isn't going to be the driver of that - I strongly feel that if your birthmother was going to change her mind, she would have already done that. I suppose I can respect that a birthmother may have a desire for a closed adoption (although I am a very big supporter of open adoptions and cringe when I read anything from someone advocating a closed adoption), I do not feel it is the Adoptive Parents' choice to have a closed adoption.

There are many books out there you can read to educate yourself on open adoption and how the birthmother is feeling, etc - perhaps that would ease your fears about this visit. (Dear Birthmother is a great book - www.tapestrybooks.com is a wonderful source of adoption related books and it's a great way to educate yourself more on the subject of adoption, openness, adoptees, etc)

Lastly, my understanding of finalization in Texas is that it can take a minimum of 6 months and as long as 18 months to finalize. However, we all hang on to that 6 month date but it can take longer.

Best of luck to you and I hope that you will consider your birthmother's wish after reading all of our opinions.

Lisa

[Jennifer]

It is not selfish for adoptive parents to allow visits if the adoption plan started as closed or even semi open, but given whatever the circumstances are plans can and do change and some adoptive parents may even go that mile to say that if a birthmom at first wants closed and than later decides she would like to see a photo or get an update than some aparents will bend.

I can speak for myself on this...... we were recently chosen by a 16 yr old bmom to be her babys' forever family, she had wanted closed and than was thinking she may want a couple photos I had no problem with that at all, if it makes her feel better about her decision and she knows that she did the right thing for herself and her baby than I'm all for it. I can also tell you that yes a bmom will change her mind before the baby is born or even at birth, which ours did that, she choose to parent and we gave our blessings and she knows we are only a call away.

I have never heard of a birthmom changing her mind and taking a baby back especially after 7 months. That precious baby has bonded already and I don't believe any birthmom would hurt her child that way.

Jennifer

[Jennifer]

In any adoption honesty should be one of the most important issues also, of course besides what is best for the birthmom and her baby. Birthmoms and adoptive couples need to be honest in their plans........ if a birthmom wants visits and the adoptive couple is not comfortable than they need to tell the birthmom,
BOTTOM LINE..... never make a promise or agree to anything if there is no intention of keeping it or if there is the slightest doubt in the back of your minds discuss it openly and honestly.

Yes I can tell you when an adoption fails it hurts..... it hurts everyone regardless of who changes their minds it does hurt and not all adoptive couples feel it is about them.

You say you are a possible birthmom........ do you plan on placing or are you considering all options??? Have you had personal contact with any potential adoptive couples?? You need to make sure that what you seek in an adoptive couple is sometihng the couples you talk to can agree to and if not, than that situation is not the right one for any of you the same way an adoptive couple needs to make sure you are the right birthmom for them to be working with to achieve a successful adoption plan, one that has the best interest of these precious babies should ocme first above all.

Just curious and sorry about your friends problems

[Jennifer]

Your friend needs to do what she feels is right, that's why I said and I FIRMLY believe in keeping all promises that anyone ever makes to anyone, even if it has nothing to do with adoption one should never make a promise they cannot keep.

I see nothing wrong with visits once or twice a year, or more depending on what the adoptive couple and the birthmom are comfortable with and what would be in the best interest of the child so they do not get confused later on as they get older and I have said it before never agree to more than you intend.

Open adoption is letters, photos, updates and visits, that's why it's open. There all all types of plans to take into consideration.

Plans do change unfortunately and sometimes when an adoptive couple make a change like that it could possibly be that maybe visits were hurting their child and confusing him or her, especially if there are other children with the bmom maybe the child could be trying to figure out why he or she was placed but another child wasn't. I am NOT saying this is your friends situation becaus I know nothing about her or her problems with the adoptive couple. I have also heard of how birthmoms drop out of all contact with the adoptive couple and the child only to leave everyone wondering why, that has happened alot too so it is not only adoptive parents that drop contact or change things.