[JoanneFromNYC]

My husband & I are adopting through the foster care system and it's so heartbreaking. We just went to a presentation where we viewed slides of children who are available for adoption and I left with a very heavy heart....I wanted to adopt them ALL!! Most were beaten, ignored, neglected and/or malnourished by their "parents". I use this term parents loosely...it takes more than becoming pregnant or making someone pregnant to be a parent. There were sibling groups of up to five...FIVE that needed love & a family.
We just started our homestudy, yesterday was our first home visit. I can't wait to give some kids what they so desperatly need.

[twototango]

i have adopted through the foster care system, an almost-four year old i've had since she was four months old. she had been neglected and physically abused. until i read the book the primal wound, i was more optimistic about the healing potential of simple love and a good home. you might want to read this book to help prepare yourself. even though i found it depressing and i do not agree with all of the author's premises--i think i'm more hopeful than she is--it's good to be aware of theories regarding all children separated from birth mothers, even if adopted at birth...and if you are going to adopt older children, my advice is to read, read, read, go to support groups, etc.; be prepared for some trying but rewarding work. to me there is nothing more meaningful.

[JoanneFromNYC]

Hi...thanks for responding. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one here adopting an older child (non-infant) but I was hoping there would be more. *shrug*

I've been reading "Adopting the older child" and "Adopting the hurt child" and educatin myself on attachment disorders and yes, you're right, it is depressing but we must be informed if we want to re-parent these children the way it should have been done the first time around. It's a challege we're ready for.

[jrae2]

There is too much abuse and neglect that goes on and it makes my heart glad to know there are those with the strength and determination to try, to show a child love, to raise a child in a better situation even tho it may be difficult and frustrating. To me there are few tasks more deserving of your heart and your energy. God bless you.

[JoanneFromNYC]

Hello and thanks for your encouragement. I appreciate it very much.

[Angeleyes]

We are also doing a special needs adoption of children out of the foster care system. Upto 3 kids.. upto the age of 11.

If you want to talk to more special needs adoptive parents you can find them on the special needs adoption board.

Angel

[JoanneFromNYC]

Thank you for posting Angel...and thanks for your sugesstion.

[jjdad]

I can relate. I've posted before about my older son who came to us at 19 months. He was terribly abused...weighed only 18 pounds, deep gashes on his face/eye. He was also medically abused. The really sad thing? This wasn't by his birth parents...this was by his Foster Mother, who later was charged with Munchousen-By-Proxy. The more illnesses this child had, and the more meds he was on, the more Medicaid paid. It was horrible. He is now 4 1/2, and has come along way. It is tragic how children are mistreated even when in the system. The problem-at least in my state-is that DFS is not regulated by anyone. They fail to uphold the very sanction they were created to entrust...the best interest and care of the child. Thank God there are people out there who truly want these children, and although I wish I could rescue every one of them, I can take comfort in knowing I saved two of them from the system. And, every adoptive and Foster Care parent should feel the same way.

[jenm_82]

Hi, I am an adoptee and was adopted at the age of 3 with two of my b-sisters they were 4 and 7. My parents adopted a girl and when she got older they wanted someone for her to play with. My dad couldn't have kids so they decided to adopt again. They saw us and took all three of us. We had all been sexually and physically abused. My oldest sister has always had problems from remembering things in the past but the fact that my parents were willing to take 3 children at the ages we were was a miracle. I don't think I could have been raised any better or have had a better family. I just admire anyone who is willing to take older children. When children are older, they still have memories of how things use to be and for a family to show them as much love as my family has showed us and gave us, it was enough to conquer all of the old memories. I just wanted to thank all of you who are willing to take older children.

[alpacamom]

thank you for your post from the side of the adoptee. i am in the process of adopting two adoptive sisters - 11 and 12. they have faced everything from neglect, physical abuse, emotional abuse and sexual abuse and a broken adoption. we have been visiting about 8 weekends now, and i am beginning to notice some issues. i am a widow, 53, with grown bios and small grandchildren. i am just hoping that i can be to these two girls what your adoptive family has been to you.

[JoanneFromNYC]

I haven't been around for a few days...we're right in the middle of our home visits (we're so EXCITED!!) and life is crazy right now but I'm so happy that more people responded.
We originally were going to adopt an infant through a private adoption but changed our minds and I'm so glad we did. This is a much better choice for us and there are so many kids that need to be "re-parented" if that's a word and I know we can make a difference in their lives.

[cdkmpat]

It really nice to here that I am not allown out here. I adopted my stepson and his half sister. My son I have know his whole life and witnessed the trama that he was going through that Children's Aid did not want to see until a child had to almost die for them to get the point. Our daughter we adopted her to keep them together and love her to death lived in five different home before the age of two and a half. She has so many issues steming from so many forms of abuse. I struggle everyday on how to raise these two children. My son resents me because he thinks that I stole him form his mother (she told him I was stealing him from her) but he does remember everything that went on in that house. I love them so mcuh but I fear that love isn't enough and I am a youth couselor and read and read as much as I can to get an insight into their heads and try and help them. I just hope that when they are adults they will know that we tried our hardest to give them a chance at a life... I could go on for ever. I am going through this allown so I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. Thanks for listening

[momof10blessing]

Hi, Joanne.
As the adoptive and birth mom to 10 children, many who were abused before (with drugs and alcohol) and after birth, and the former foster mother to 14, I understand that strong pull to help/save kids who have been through so much.
We have adopted children from birth and all the way up to adopting two of our former foster children at the ages of 18 and 19. Our children were born addicted, brain damaged and/or were abused and neglected before being placed for adoption.
Our children have brought many things into our lives, much of it wonderful.
However, I would like to suggest that you consider doing foster/adopt placement first- before plunging into the adoption of an older or abused child. These kids have so many difficulties to overcome and they use an incredible amount of love, attention, time and strength to parent. Many of them can be helped and can eventually heal and have normal lives. There are some, though, who will never be able to respond to an adoptive family in an appropriate way.
I would urge you to go at this slowly and carefully. Read up on the subject of adopting special needs kids. Talk to experienced adoptive parents about their experiences. Be sure that you have a good support system in place- family and friends who are behind you and supporting you, a good therapist who's experienced in dealing with special needs kids, a school system that is ready and willing to deal with special needs kids (there are some out there that will not welcome your child), neighbors who will be understanding and accepting of your child. If you go into this with unrealistic expectations or little support, you will find it almost impossible to succeed. For your sakes and the sake of any child or children that you might adopt, make sure that you're prepared.
Good luck and God bless.

[Bcelli]

Joanne -

I have always had a special place in my heart for you since you were the first to respond to my first post (re: gay adoptions). You are doing a wonderful thing. We are looking at possibly a 3 year old next year - still trying to get funds together - but that's because we want to maintain our first son's birth (adoption) order. There have been several older children 5-17 I have seen on photolistings or have heard about and have just fallen in love thinking what a wonderful addition they would be to the family, but I'm not the only one to consider in that decision and it has to be right for all of us at the right time.

On my first trip to New York City, someone gave me and my friends audience tickets to Geraldo Rivera. The subject of the show taped that day was foster care and adoption. One thing stuck with me ever since. It was a story about a little girl who was being fostered by a couple - the child was black, the couple white - because her birthparents beat the crap out of her in addition to various forms of neglect. She was 2. The couple wanted to adopt her, but child protection said she needed to be in a black home. They discussed the situation with some friends of theirs who were black. This other couple decided they also wanted to adopt her. Child protection then said she needed to be reunited with her 'real' family. Which she was and who promptly beat her to death with a VCR cord.

So many of the kids in foster care have been through more emotionally, mentally, sexually and physically than any average adult and then this society expects someone like yourself to come along and just "fix" them. God bless your heart. With preparation, knowledge, commitment and faith, love can be a panacea.

Becky

[JoanneFromNYC]

cdkmpat: you sound like a wonderful person! Your children are very lucky to have you.

momof10: first of all...TEN!! WOW!! I bet you've seen it all! This is something we have been researching, actually for quite a long time. In addition, we took the required 10 week MAPP class which threw the realities of what we're facing right in the forefront. This is not something we're doing unprepared. We've also bought several books on adopting older & special needs children and have been educating ourselves in the various issues they will have. Also, there is a 3 month placement period before adoption is final if we adopt from our state and that makes it very appealing. Your advice is very good...this is not something someone should do without educating themselves and the MAPP classes are the first step.

Becky: ((hugs)) My heart breaks for that little girl. She'd still be alive if she were allowed to be adopted by that couple. You seem like a very caring person and I'm sure you're going to be a great mom! My husband & I just recently moved from NYC to Florida and I very much disagree with their stance on gay adoption (not to mention their whole stance on homosexuality in general.) My husband & I are not used to that kind of prejudice, coming from NYC. We have friends that are from many reigions (even though we are not religious), cultures, sexual orientation, races etc. We even moved to to multi-racial community (we're white) just to keep that in our lives. I love when i see black & white children playing together and riding their bikes down my street. I want my children to be raised in an atmosphere of open-mindedness and acceptance and it has to start with us leading by example.

Thanks to everyone who is responding.....we're just about done with our home study and are attending our first matching event (a picnic) with other prospective parents and waiting children. It's this Saturday and we're really nervous...and excited!!