[2aces]

Does anyone know how long the wait is for a birth mother to pick my husband and my self? We have been with our attorney at little angel adoptions now for 9 months but we have been waiting for some one to pick us for two years. I am started to feel like there is something wrong with us.

There are many reasons why a bp chooses a couple. Age, the amount of openess you are wanting to have, where you live, etc. You may want to speak with your agency or attorney and ask them what they think the problem is. You need to remain hopeful, when you least expect it you little one will be united with you!!!

[2aces]

Thank you, we were matched with a birth mother who picked us but, two weeks later the demands started coming in to our attorney. We met most of them until she demanded 100% of her living expenses and when we could only offer 1/2, she went with another couple, offered to her by our attorney/agency. We still feel really bad, we thought the amount that we offered was good money but, obviously not enough. Now I am positive that we are at the bottom of the list, and will be waiting way longer. Oh, well, what can you do?

[schatz]

While you are waiting, may I suggest that you read everthing you can about adoption, from all three sides of the triad. (It may at least help you pass the time!) There are links to great articles on adoption.com. I truly believe that all players in adoption should educate themselves as much as possible before embarking on such a life changing journey., and I hope and think that you may find some of your answers by reading.

God bless you, and good luck!

[taylor]

2aces

Don't feel that anyhting is wrong with you, just remember that there are a ton of potential adoptive parents out there who are waiting just like you and when the time is right it will happen.

That said, I decided against a domestic adoption because of the uncertainties such as waiting for the birthparents to pick you and then worrying about them potentially changing their mind or taking the child back, etc. I adopted my daughter from Russia 4 years ago and it was a great experience. It took nine months from start to finish and best of all, it was 100% guaranteed. I traveled over there, picked out my child and once the necessary paperwork was filled out, I brought my daughter home and she has been totally mine ever since. I don't have to deal with degrees of openess with her birth mother, and after the first couple of years of having to send annual updates, (pictures, health stats, etc) back to Russia, I haven't had to deal with them either. I'm telling you this because I think you should at least check into international adoption and see what your options are. The expense varies greatly, and in most cases is less than a domestic adoption. If you are adamant about having an infant, you can adopt from Guatemala, or many other countries which have children available that are only a few weeks or months old. My daughter was 1 yr. old when I adopted her and she is the love of my life!

If you want more info, respond to this post and I'll give you my e-mail address so we can talk.

[faith_amom]

The birthmothers that I know have had varying reasons for choosing the adoptive parents they chose. One birthmother was looking for the parents that she would have chosen for herself. Another was more concerned w/levels of openness. My son's birthmother was looking for a family that would physically look like her baby. It isn't a matter of what is "right" or "wrong" with you -- it is a matter of what is a good or bad match between you and the birthmother. It's kind of like when you are dating and meet a guy who is great but just not "your type." There isn't anything "wrong" with him -- he just isn't exactly what you are looking for.

The right birthmother is out there for you. When she sees your portfolio, she will know in her heart that you are the couple that she wants to raise her baby. We had several birthmothers "pass" on our portfolio. Then, my son's birthmother looked through a "huge stack of books" (her words) until she saw ours. We had similar breeds of dogs. We physically looked like the birthparents. Something just "clicked," and she was excited about choosing us. I have no question that God planned this -- that it was all meant to work out the way that it did. Your time will come.

Hang in there, and try to make the most of this time to prepare for becoming a parent. And I agree w/the advice about reading up on the other sides of the adoption triad. It will prepare you for all of the questions that your child will have over the years.

Good luck!!

- Faith

[2aces]

Thank you for the replying

We started with our County and went through all of the classes and completed our homestudy. We waited and and waited for over a year. Then we went to our adoption attorney/agency to try and adopt in an open adoption. We have been waiting 8 months. You would think that an Hispanic/caucasion couple would be match right away, but, this did not happen.

we were matched with one birth mother who pick us and we loved her. But we could not afford 100% of her living expenses without going into debt our selves. We made offer after offer through our attorney/agency and she would not budge off of her number, so we had to say, "sorry". We felt heart broken. Our attorney/agency matched her right away with another couple who could meet all of her needs. My husband and I feel crushed and we know for sure that we are on the bottom of the list for any type of matching. We have not even heard from our attorney/agency other than an email to let us know that they rematched the birth mother and she is very happy. What about us?

We feel like Mr. and Mrs. Cheap, and awful that we could not make getting the child that we have been waiting for for 2 years happen. Now, we are back to waiting, waiting, waiting.

[maryluski]

I agree with Taylor, we are going international for the same reason. My husband and I are great, but we do not want to be at the wims of a moody 16 year old who thinks we are too old, do not live in a not good enough neighborhood, are too dark, ugly or whatever.

Serious look at Guatemala, Ecuador and Colombia. All have very organized adoption systems and beautiful healthy babies.

[lucyjoy]

Dd you read your own homestudy? Our first one was done by a rookie who put in all the required information but it was disjointed and didn't read well. I adopted through the state, but I think I'd start there and see if maybe it needs to be re-written.
Hang in there. Maybe the right child for you just hasn't been born yet.

[Bcelli]

My son is sleeping now. He was exhausted this afternoon at a birthday party for his "girlfriend." She just turned 5. He's 4 1/2. And he became ours in a Russian courtroom at 5.5 months, referred at 11 weeks. We applied to our agency in April having done absolutely nothing with respect to paperwork, home study, INS forms, background checks - the usual adoption route. By August, we had the referral. By November he was ours. The wait and uncertainty of the domestic process, we thought, led us to Russia. All along it was God telling us our son was there, go get him and bring him home. We worked with Williams International Adoptions in Memphis (www.williamsinternational.org) if it's a route your interested in investigating. Bottom line: When it's right, it's right. Good luck and God's blessings on your journey.

Becky

[schatz]

To all who posted:

May I suggest that you read "Lifegivers" by Jim Gritter.

Perhaps it will ease some of the negative feelings you have toward birthmothers. I say this not because birthmothers need sympathy but because your children need you.

Adoption should be about the children, not about your need for a baby. No matter what route you take to adopt your child, you can't avoid dealing with that child's birthfamily. Your bond with your child can only be enhanced by your openness to learning about adoptee and birthparent issues.

Your child needs your unconditional love and acceptance and that includes your love and acceptance of the people who gave him/her life.

[Sabs]

While I agree with much of what Schatz says, I do not agree that adoption is 100% about the children...every couple who has a child does so because THEY WANT A CHILD!!!
It is a completely selfish motivation, whether it is accomplished through adoption or giving birth! I have 4 children because I WANTED THEM. Should I feel bad about that longing? I didn't give birth 3 times just to give life to a child! I didn't adopt just to "save" a child! I have my children because I wanted them. Period. How selfish is that?!
That said, why should adoptive parents feel any differently?
The fact is, there are thousands of children waiting all over the world for parents. I personally think it doesn't matter what nationality a child is, if that child needs a home, and a loving, stable man or woman has a home and love and food...what does it matter if it is international or domestic?
I personally have the greatest respect for my son's birthmother. She gave him life. I know my son and I will have many conversations about his birthmother in the future, and I intend to let him know how much I respect her.

[schatz]

My point was not that people can't ever think of themselves. If only the world were so pure and sunshiney that nobody ever wanted for anything!

My point was simply that much of the advice suggested that by going international you can avoid having to deal with the birthfamily. This is just not true and I think it is unfair to set up adoptive parents to think that an international adoption will solve all their problems because it won't.

I suspect that if you do a little digging, you will find that every adoption route has it's own set of difficulties. An international adoption has many problems that a domestic adoption does not and vice versa.

And if there are so many children to "save" then as parents you should want to do everything you can to give them the best life possible. One of those things is to understand adoption from all three sides of the triad.

Enjoy your motherhood and relish every second of your time with your child, but do not think that adoption is the cure for wanting a baby.

[KAT63]

I hope by the time this message is posted you have a baby in your home. If not, stay strong and determined. How many times did I wonder myself what was wrong with me that I didn't "deserve" to be a mother? My husband and I waited 3 years with a non-profit, private agency before our baby girl came to us (last October was her placement date). Within those three years we were chosen twice and experienced two painful fall-throughs when the birthmothers decided to parent upon delivery. When our social worker told me I had to "get over my own feelings and think about the birthmom" I decided it was time to expand my world view. I was becoming angry and bitter. Many people forget that each fall through, missed opportunity, disappointment is not an isolated moment.. rather it is one more in a line of such painful experiences--each miscarriage, failed fertility experiment, fall throughs or missed chances with birthmothers feels like a personal rejection--but it isn't really. I learned to view each of these trials in the light of what they could teach me about myself, my life and motherhood. I tried to get over everything being PERSONAL and about me. This change in perspective was my epiphany because when my baby finally came, I realized all those lessons made me a better mother. When she cries for no apparent reason at 3:30 am, I realize this stage won't last forever --Waiting taught me patience and to focus on my daughter rather than myself. (FYI- Our girl was a domestic adoption, we have no contact with birthmother by her choice--but she is a part of our lives because she is inside our girl and always will be) Good luck--it will happen
.

[BeckyS]

I read all the replies to the original problem of feeling like you'll never be 'picked'. I didn't see any suggestions to check what 1st popped in to my mind. Check with your attorney to find out how many times your profile is being referred to agencies or bp's. That could be the problem - maybe you need to expand & get on other waiting lists as well as your attorney's.