[Archive]

Originally Posted By A Birthmom

I would really like to know why Birthmother's are so resented and looked down on? I can understand why our birthchild may resent us, but I find it very disheartening that there is so much ill will towards birthmother's, especially since most of us chose to do what we thought was best for our child.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Dawn

It is the common misconception of the world that we would drop off the face of the earth after we relinquished our children. Seriously, back in the 70's, before open adoption, someone ususally explained to the bparent and I"m sure the aparents, that we the birthparents, had relinquished all rights and could never return to reclaim our children. And they kept really, really quiet about the methods we could use if we chose to try and get our kids back. I specificly remember being told by the judge that "This is forever". So the parents go on their merry little way with their new family, believing that we will never resurface. Enter the 80's and Phil Donahue brought adoption reunion into our homes. Birthmothers and adoptees began searching or planning to when the adoptee was of age. I truly believe many adoptive parents went into denial. IF I love my child enough, they will never search. That birthmother can never find us. Didn't the adoption agency tell us this was completely confidential? Add to that the stories that have hit the media about birthmothers actually coming back for infants. WHEW! That, combined with the fear and insecurity that the adoptive parents have denied all these years make a pretty volatile situation. We were the women who supposedly didn't want our kids. OR we were the sluts having children out of wedlock, destined for trailer parks and drug abuse. It's easy to look down on people like that. And when it makes it easier to live out your own fantasy of the perfect family, I believe it's a recipe for disaster.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Chris

After reading the above post from "Distraught Parents"
I was so angry, it's true that we are looked down on, but after reading all the post from Birthmothers, I know that we are exceptionally giving Mother's who even after being called those PEOPLE can still show compassion to that childs Mother, only a true Mother could know how another Mother feels.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Faith (an Amom)

The negative postings by some of the Amoms are not representative of all Amoms. I, for one, am extremely grateful to my son's Bmom because I would never have become a mother without her. I hold her in the highest regard and admire her deeply. If my son decides to reunite with her when he becomes an adult, I will support him. Her selflessness proves what an incredibly positive influence she would be in his life. After all, she clearly loves him with all of her heart to endure such pain to give him a "better" life.

I, too, am disturbed by the animosity that some of the Amoms show on these boards. These women should get some counseling and actually meet some Bmoms face to face so they can see firsthand what enormous sacrifices that Bmoms make. I would imagine that tactics such as not following through on sending pictures and letters will backfire on them if the child reunites with his/her Bmom and finds out that the Aparents treated the Bmom so poorly.

I personally cannot imagine feeling anything other than respect and gratitude towards a Bmom, and that applies to ANY Bmom. Since I decided to adopt, two acquaintances confided in me that they were Bmoms and shared their stories. My respect for those women soared as they shared their stories with me. These women love their children so much and truly did what they felt was best for them.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Chris

What a nice story, as a birthmother I Thank You!

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Kari

I'll tell you why.

Because when people want our chidren for their owns needs and the adoption industry is out for the big $$$$$, then the Birthmothers are put up on a pedestal, but after the Adoptive Parents get the child and the Agencies get their $$$$, the Birthmothers are looked upon as trash and not deserving of any respect or love.

I wish all these young girls who are pregnant and having someone telling them that Adoption is best for all would fast foward a couple months and years past the actual relinquishment and see what the real picture is. The old saying, "if I only knew then, what I know now". No where does that line fit like a glove than to a Birthmother.

Kari - been there and done that.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Sean C.

No truer words have ever been spoken. I am an adoptee who has just reunited with my biological family. My parents told me that they didnt know my birthmom. Lie. My bio-grandparents even confirmed that they, along with my mom, met my adoptive parents. They also told me that they were supposed to get pictures and letters about me. Lie. They never got anything. My mother has lived for the past 23 years terrified that I died or something. I know none of this is my fault, but in a way I feel guilty because I have been a source of pain for so many people. Its a miracle that we found each other, but I know God wanted it so that my first family could finally have some peace. I just wish my Adoptive Mom and Dad had not hurt so many people on my account and treated my Mom so bad. I read the post above from those "distraught" parents, and I swear they could be my Mom and Dad.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Cathy

Faith,

As a Birthmother, I want to thank you for your comments. I lost my son to adoption in 1973 when there were few if any choices for unwed mothers. I lived with that pain for 24 years before he found me with the help of his adoptive mom. She is a beautiful woman, and I love her as much as my does. She loved him enough to know that this was important to him. She told me that she would often think of me when our son hit some milestone and wished that she could somehow share it with me. I have been blessed not only with the reunion of my beautiful son, but that he has such a terrific family. How much healthier for him than an adoptive mom who hangs onto him like he is her property, bought and paid for. It is so sad. So anyway, before I write a novel, I would just like to tell you that your love shines through and I know that your children will really grow to appreciate this open minded, open heart mentality you display. Such a gift to everyone. Hugs

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Ann

I think for some aparents it is fear of the unknown. Some aparents do not know who their childs bparents were and if they would be a postive in their child's life or would they cause the child to suffer. For other aparents it is that they are afraid of loosing the child they love so much to the bparents. They forget that no can have too many people to love them. I am an amother of a 16 year old son who became my child at 2 days old. It was suppose to be a closed adoption but his bmom gae me enough information so that I could find her if I ever needed to. I contacted her mother a couple of months ago and have now been in contact with her. My ason is aware of all the contact and is looking forward to his contact with her. The circle will close and what a joy for all of us. I cannot speak for all aparents but this one does not resent bmoms but is happy for the additional love.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Vicki (AMom)

I am the AMom of a 2 year old daughter. I don't feel resentful of my daughter's BMom, nor would I ever look down on her. The decision she made was very difficult and heart wrenching - how can I ever forget the sacrifice she made for her child? Please keep in mind that not all AMoms feel the way "DISTRAUGHT" does. I know it is hurtful to read such posts. I am often hurt when I read posts in which BMoms say very negative things about AParents. I've read things like "just because you people are infertile, we don't owe you are babies". Not all AParents are infertile and those who are don't feel like anyone owes them anything. I think alot of the bantering that occurs on these boards comes from fear and ingnorance as to each others' plights. I think we always need to keep in mind that every situation is different. Base your opinions on your own situation and try not to let hurtful comments get to you. I know it isn't easy as it has been hard to take my own advice. The bottom line, however, is the relationship you have with your own BMom/AParents. The life of a child should be beautiful - no matter what the situation. Let's focus on loving our children and providing a loving family for them - instead of tearing each other apart.

[Mihija]

I am relieved to see that there seem to be more a-moms that do not resent the b-mom, than those who do. It gives me hope. I am a b-mom who is currently, slowly developing a relationship with the 18 year old child I gave up. It was for her sake, not mine that I chose adoption and I do not wish to be punished for making that decision. I have two children of my own now and do not wish, to try to be a replacement for my bdaughters mother. I do, however, want a relationship with both her and her family. I am not certain yet how her parents feel about me but I pray that, for their daughters sake, they do not resent my appearance in their lives.
For those of you who do RESENT the birthfamily, is there any way that you can see a relationship occurring, that wouldn't threaten your sense of family???
And to you a-moms, who are welcoming to the birthfamilies, do you have suggestions for b-moms, as to the best way to proceed, so as not to offend you. I just want a relationship with my b-child and I'm sure there will be times when I may 'mother' her. This isn't an indication that I am trying to replace you but that's just the way all 'moms' are. I mother my children's friends too but that doesn't mean I am trying to replace their parents. Is this making sense? I would like to be a part of my b-daughters marriage, birth of her children and all the other milestones that she grows through from now on, but not at the expense of confusing her or making her feel she has to choose between people who all love her. I loved her enough once to make sure she had the best I could provide for her, but it cost me the chance to see her grow. I love her enough then and still do, to back away if needed, but would be greatly saddened to do so. How will I know if I should, or not. There are so many people involved and so many angles to see it from. I just want what is best for my daughter and yes she is still and will always be MY daughter, even though I can never be her mother. There is a huge distinction between those two and I hope that I said that clearly enough to be understood. I am not a threat to her a-parents and will NOT be their enemy, even if they try to make it of me.

[Mihija]

I am relieved to see that there seem to be more a-moms that do not resent the b-mom, than those who do. It gives me hope. I am a b-mom who is currently, slowly developing a relationship with the 18 year old child I gave up. It was for her sake, not mine that I chose adoption and I do not wish to be punished for making that decision. I have two children of my own now and do not wish, to try to be a replacement for my bdaughters mother. I do, however, want a relationship with both her and her family. I am not certain yet how her parents feel about me but I pray that, for their daughters sake, they do not resent my appearance in their lives.
For those of you who do RESENT the birthfamily, is there any way that you can see a relationship occurring, that wouldn't threaten your sense of family???
And to you a-moms, who are welcoming to the birthfamilies, do you have suggestions for b-moms, as to the best way to proceed, so as not to offend you. I just want a relationship with my b-child and I'm sure there will be times when I may 'mother' her. This isn't an indication that I am trying to replace you but that's just the way all 'moms' are. I mother my children's friends too but that doesn't mean I am trying to replace their parents. Is this making sense? I would like to be a part of my b-daughters marriage, birth of her children and all the other milestones that she grows through from now on, but not at the expense of confusing her or making her feel she has to choose between people who all love her. I loved her enough once to make sure she had the best I could provide for her, but it cost me the chance to see her grow. I love her enough then and still do, to back away if needed, but would be greatly saddened to do so. How will I know if I should, or not. There are so many people involved and so many angles to see it from. I just want what is best for my daughter and yes she is still and will always be MY daughter, even though I can never be her mother. There is a huge distinction between those two and I hope that I said that clearly enough to be understood. I am not a threat to her a-parents and will NOT be their enemy, even if they try to make it of me.

[tiger_lillie]

I just wanted to let you know that I think birthmothers are amazing people. Someone who cares enough to give up someone she is so in love with so that they can have a better life than she could give them should get nothing but the highest praise and adoration from the rest of society. Maybe someone should explain this to the close-minded, naiive people who don't and could never understand the situation a birthmother is put in.

[Michelle 053002]

I am so sorry to hear that anyone would have a bad opinion of a birthmother. I am an adoptive mom and I have the utmost respect for the birthmom of my daughter, and all other birthmothers. I can only imagine the love and strength it took for her and the rest of you, to place this beautiful child for adoption. I tell my daughter every day about how much her birthmother loved her and what a strong and wonderful person she is. My wish is that all people could stop judging what they don't know.
Best regards to all the birthmothers out here, you are brave and loving women and with out you, many of us would never be able to call ourselves mothers. THANK YOU, Michelle

[mommylovesjosh]

I also find it quite difficult to imagine why there is so much misunderstanding and fear in regards to bmoms. I absolutely love our son's birth mom . I often mention to those around me (most of whom are frightened of our relationship with her) that she's an amazing person who did a completely loving and unselfish act, one that enabled us to have the family we always dreamt of, and more importantly she gave her son a loving and stable home. She would have made an awesome mother if the circumstances had allowed her to be.

You know what's weird? My mom-in-law gave up her first son for adoption and she is the most frightened of anyone. I don't know why she is so scared of us having a relationship with our bmom.

Anyways, I had a hard time believing that a woman would be strong enough to give us her child that she had loved and bonded with and when it actually happened I gained a new perspective and a huge admiration for all birthmothers. I love 'M' and bdad 'J' and always will.