[theLBs]

I usually don't get offended easily, and honestly this didn't offend...I don't know, it DID push a button.

So a Facebook friend who was having some fertility issues and had asked me about adoption ultimately ended up getting pregnant. I'm happy for her (as I would be for anyone...we're not really close). I put up with all of the bible verses she posts every day, the God's plan stuff...so maybe I expected a little more sensitivity from her.

Today she posts this pic of a dog looking shocked with the bubble saying "I'm adopted?!?" okay, funny, dog doesn't understand he's not biologically related. Next line: "OMG! You're not my REAL mom?"


She said, "I'm sure my dog thinks this" and I just commented "except adopted moms ARE real moms."

Ugh!

[Leeah]

You handled it beautifully! Your comment should definitely make her think.

I saw someone I used to work with the other day. She's always annoyed me a little (making insensitive remarks designed to make others feel incompetent). She asked to see a picture of sweetpea. When she saw it her remark was "Wow! She looks like she's yours!": (the emphasis was on the word yours) mad:

Of course I knew what she meant but still...

I would love to have responded that while she may not be mine biologically she IS my child! I didn't say anything, though, and now wish I had.

Good job speaking up!

[carolinamom]

Infertility or not, adoptive mom or adoptee it is insensitive esp if you know that you have close friends that have adopted and will be reading your posts.

[theLBs]

Originally Posted by Leeah

You handled it beautifully! Your comment should definitely make her think.

I saw someone I used to work with the other day. She's always annoyed me a little (making insensitive remarks designed to make others feel incompetent). She asked to see a picture of sweetpea. When she saw it her remark was "Wow! She looks like she's yours!": (the emphasis was on the word yours) mad:

Of course I knew what she meant but still...

I would love to have responded that while she may not be mine biologically she IS my child! I didn't say anything, though, and now wish I had.

Good job speaking up!

It's hard, isn't it? I've had some other insensitive comments (although thankfully just a couple...I've read in here about others' experiences that are much worse) but only one I felt was intentionally negative. I almost didn't respond to this one because I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable, but then I thought that she didn't really worry about how her post might make others feel, so why was I worrying so much? I decided maybe it would be a teaching moment...who knows...

[RavenSong]

It's really difficult NOT to offend friends and family members on Facebook occasionally. I'm a die-hard liberal, yet some of my friends are die-hard conservatives. And I've gotten into some pretty heavy arguments with them over politics...and religion...and gay rights...and pro-choice...and just about everything else under the sun.

The one thing that I'm trying to learn is how to let stuff fall off my shoulders without thinking it's always about me. And that's really hard to do!!

Terminology has changed so much in recent years when it comes to the adoption community. Most people in my generation (soon to turn 58, sigh...) who were children of divorce used the "real father" or "real mother" phrase when speaking about our missing parent. It wasn't meant to offend our step-parents, it was just how kids viewed this kind of thing. Same thing goes for my friends from childhood who were adopted -- when asked about their birth/first parents, the word "real" was usually used in that context. (The term "birthmother" hadn't even been invented yet!)

I've seen the pictures on FB that you're talking about...and I usually cringe and go onto the next post in my newsfeed. One of my interets is animal rescue, so I see the word "adopt" often used when speaking about cats and dogs who need a good home. But you know, the word "adopt" has many definitions. In the high-tech business, for example, the phrase "early adopters" is often used in tech journals. That one catches me by surprise from time to time -- I find myself first thinking that someone adopted a child with a short waiting period. It's going to take the general public a long time to catch up with the changes in adoption terminology.

Although it would be nice if everyone could be politically correct when it comes to language, it just ain't gonna happen. Most people in our society don't spend a lot of time thinking about adoption, so it's not surprising to me that these terms haven't caught on yet with the general public.

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt -- that just sucks, and I'm sure it felt like a slap in the face. But I think it's just a matter of people not spending near as much time as we do on the forums here talking and thinking about adoption terminology.

On another note, I'm wondering how many long-term friendships are going to be destroyed by social media, like Facebook...especially in the heated political climate we're currently tangled up in.

[theLBs]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

But I think it's just a matter of people not spending near as much time as we do on the forums here talking and thinking about adoption terminology.

On another note, I'm wondering how many long-term friendships are going to be destroyed by social media, like Facebook...especially in the heated political climate we're currently tangled up in.

You're right about folks not thinking about adoption terminology, and I guess why would they if they've not been impacted by it? I generally think (or like to think, maybe ) that most of this stuff doesn't get to me. However I'm finding this "real" child, parent, etc. is one of my buttons.

As for the other comment, believe me I've had to hide/unsubscribe from several folks during this election...they're some things that I just don't want to see on my page! They're mostly posts from folks who are not close friends...people I was curious about from high school, etc. who have very different beliefs from me. I've had my best friend since we were 5, and we agreed long ago not to talk to about politics with each other EVER! So far so good!

Thanks for your post, Raven.

[Leeah]

I rarely even "like" political posts that I agree with because I'm afraid of offending someone who sees that I "liked" it. (crazy I know)

I have one friend in particular who is truly one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She's a great friend. She happens to have very different political views than I do and posts them frequently. (she's a staunch conservative) It really bothers me and I probably do think a little differently about her than I would if there were no facebook posts. We're still friends, though.

This election is really stressing me out! I'll be so glad when it's over!

As to the original offending post: Yes, people who aren't impacted by adoption don't get the terminology. Even some people who are impacted by it don't get it. Of course, ALL parents are real, adoptive and biological. The more this is pointed out the more people will start to get it.

I read somewhere about a child who had been adopted talking to a friend. The friend asked him if he had to listen to his mother because, after all, she wasn't his real mother. The child responded "What does she look like, a cartoon character?". That taught his friend a lesson.

[AmahMama]

I guess I have an off-the-track way of looking at things... I saw that same photo - and took it as the dog was so much a member of the family that he didn't realize that he wasn't as 'human' as the rest of the family members. It would be the same as ignoring a simple fact such as a black child is not the biological child of a white, Indian, or Chinese couple.

I really didn't see anything insensitive about it - I actually thought is was really cute and loving. I guess it is in the eye of the beholder.

Just my 2 cents worth.

[FLAdoptiveMama]

I saw that same post but with a cat. My hubby's cousin, who I love dearly, posted it. I am sure she did not mean to offend adoptive parents but boy did it irritate me. Another friend of his also posted her own joke about her cat being adopted and how it was time to let her know. So freaking annoying that ignorant people will find that funny. I think it is very demeaning to anyone that has ever been involved in adoption. I also find it irritating when parents joke about giving their kids away. Good for you for speaking up. I rarely do. More of us need to.

[ruth74]

I had a similar facebook issue with someone, though in a personal message rather than a post. She had asked me some questions about adopting, and she was clear she was thinking about it, and later on in response to something I wrote to see where she was at said that she had decided "to try to have a child of my own first." Again, I knew what she meant, but it was really hard not to write back saying that it was good she wasn't going to try to adopt since she couldn't see a child she adopted as being as much her own as a biological child.

[AlabamaMommy]

It's very rare that I get offended (just not worth the energy, I guess!) but I had a cousin that was watching my son playing football with his cousins. She looked at me and my computer-nerd husband and said, "is his dad athletic?" I said, "Well, he played tennis in college and loves watching sports, does that count?" She said, "No, his REAL dad." I looked at her and smiled. "You mean his biological father? Because my husband is his REAL dad. As for his biological father, we have no idea." Of course she said the classic "You know what I mean."

Some people just don't get it.

[crick]

I'm about ready to delete FB!! lol. What really surprises me is how much time some of my friends spend on it &how much attention they devote to their updates. I check in but you won't see me posting my daily life on there. I have a friend from high school that literally posts something almost hourly. I had to block her from my feed because quite frankly I don't even need to know this much information about my kids & dh, much less an old school friend!!

But on topic, I think we all just have buttons that get pushed sometimes. And it's not so much that we are grossly offended or hurt but rather see it more as a "really...people can't move on from this type of joke already?" way.

Some things just get old...eh?

[theLBs]

Originally Posted by crick

But on topic, I think we all just have buttons that get pushed sometimes. And it's not so much that we are grossly offended or hurt but rather see it more as a "really...people can't move on from this type of joke already?" way.

Some things just get old...eh?

Yes! That's it I'm not angry or crying in a corner or starting a one-woman campaign to remove the picture or anything, just pretty much over it...at least it was educational. I learned the "real" comments are the ones that push my buttons!

[jp4ga]

There is a picture going around right now of two babies sitting on a sofa, one is crying and the other says, "I was kidding you NOT adopted." That one ticks me off every time I see it. People post it and don't realize that it is hurtful to everyone involved in adoption.

[DannieAS]

Originally Posted by jp4ga

There is a picture going around right now of two babies sitting on a sofa, one is crying and the other says, "I was kidding you NOT adopted." That one ticks me off every time I see it. People post it and don't realize that it is hurtful to everyone involved in adoption.

Saw that one, but it was changed now that we are in football season and S fwd it to me with the happy baby wearing having a chargers logo on the onesie and the angry yelling baby with the raiders logo on it. Now that's funny!