[swd]

When we were in the process of adopting our son (as a baby), bio grandma was there to support us. She stood up for us in juvenile court, supported the adoption, and had asked for openness. During the (nearly) 2 years it took to finalize the adoption, she never missed a court date, said she wanted contact with him for herself and for her daughter (bio aunt) if that would be okay with us. It was. Then, right after TPR, she changed her mind. She said it was too much, too emotional, and with all the care bio mom needed (she was supremely messed up), it was too much at once. She said if he wants to find them when he turns 18, she'd be open to that.

I understood, took her email address, and said goodbye. On his birthday, I emailed her a couple of pictures and thanked her again for all her support. I asked her just to let me know I had the right email address, but that if she didn't want to continue contact I understood. I never heard back from her, never knew if she got the pics.

Fast forward to today... Got a call from the agency that deals with DCF adoptions. Bio grandma and bio aunt called looking for us, saying they want contact. (Or at least bio aunt does. Bio grandma wasn't clear, and she's a bit loopy.)

What on earth do we do??? I've been trying to stalk them online to see if everyone is okay (can't find anything on bio mom, which isn't a good sign) and to help fill in holes for when DS starts asking questions. He's a little young to understand fully, but he has the basic idea, and since we're now actively fostering, he gets that some kids get to go home to their families and some get adopted, like he did.

I'm thinking I should at least contact the aunt and talk to her myself. My fear is that he'll get to meet the bio family and then they'll fade into horizon like his foster family did, and he'll have issues with wondering why they walked out of his life AGAIN. (Not that they were ever in his life, but they would have been all along if mom had been in good shape and raised him herself.) I can't bear to think that I might be able to spare him that kind of pain, and don't want to risk hurting him, but at the same time, how great could that be that he has another aunt and a cousin (new baby) and possibly another grandma to add to his family?

How do you figure out how to handle it? And how do you prepare a kid for something like this? (He's 4.)

[Fran27]

Honestly at 4 my kids wouldn't really 'get it'. I would definitely contact them and see how it goes from there.

[swd]

OMG. I just got home from picking DS up from preschool. They are doing a "family" theme for a few weeks, and talking about stuff like what they like to do with Mommy, what do Daddies do, what they like to do with their brothers and sisters, etc.

We have a foster son with us, who comes to pickup, so the teachers know him. Today, the question was, "Do you have brothers, or sisters, or both, or are you an only child?" DS's name was in the "Only Child" section. I asked the teachers if he answered on his own and they said yes, and they had to ask about FS b/c they were confused. (Apparently, during the discussion the other day about what they like to do with their siblings, DS answered and referred to FS as his brother, which he has done with other placements.) He explained that FS is his brother while he lives with us, but that he doesn't live with us "all the time" (i.e., forever).

So he gets the whole foster situation, even better than I thought, apparently. He gets that he was adopted, and I'm reasonably certain that after a few conversations last winter and spring that he does understand the basics of his story. (Between going to visit the adoption agency that matched us with him, witnessing our friends' adoption of a new baby through that same agency, and explaining why our first FS couldn't live with his mom and why the mom had "work" to do before the judge would let her live with FFS again, I think he got the picture.)

As far as contacting them, would you call? Email? Call with caller ID blocked? (If you know our last name, you can find all sorts of things about our family, including address, since we're the only ones in town with the name, and one of the few families in the country with the name.) I definitely wouldn't want a surprise visit from bio mom, or even for her to know where we live, as she's pretty dangerous and unstable. I have no idea what kind of relationship the rest of the family have with her or with others who might have a relationship with her, so I want to stay very anonymous/first name only if possible. Is that even reasonable, or if I'm that wary just forget the whole thing?

[Jensboys]

Call. You said yourself, grandma was safe and supportive. It cannot hurt to call and find out what is going on.

Saying this, my 4 year old was also adopted from foster care. Today we had a visit (the first) with her bio brother and his mom and brothers. Honestly -- although she can regurgitate her story fairly accurately -- its just words. A visit or contact at this age doesn't cause any unsettling for a well attached child.

[tweetybirdus]

I would create an email address that did not include your full name on yahoo or hotmail or gmail or something like that and give it to the agency for the bio family to use to contact you. I would leave it at contact between you and them until you can ascertain if it would be beneficial and safe contact with your child. You could get one of those pay as you go phones that you use to contact them too.

[Withay]

I have one cell phone that is specifically for my sons' bio-family to call on. They did figure out our last name when my passed away, but they have always respected the boundaries I have set. The gma is the only one who calls me to set up visits, see how he is doing, etc because mom is developmentally delayed.

The one time I did have to use my landline to call them I blocked my ID.

I would say, go ahead and contact the aunt with ID blocked and see what kind of feeling/vibe you get. Trust your gut on this.

[swd]

UGH. I just looked at the email address I had set up to send that one email to bio grandma. It has our last name on the display! I just changed it, and hope she doesn't still have it.

I'll have to look into the cell phone thing. I don't trust myself to remember to block caller ID every time I go to call them, and that way they'll be able to call me, too.

[Withay]

The nice thing about the separate cell phone is that you will know who it is when they call. Just be sure to set up the voicemail on it. I keep the absolute minimum minutes and no texting on this phone. I just did a quick spreadsheet the other day on my cellphone useage and found that, since January 2012, the maximum number of minutes I have used on this phone is 24.

[Mama2Gia]

Originally Posted by swd

I'll have to look into the cell phone thing. I don't trust myself to remember to block caller ID every time I go to call them, and that way they'll be able to call me, too.

When I call my FD's mom I use the caller ID block. I don't have to remember though because it is saved in my phone that way. So in my phone her number reads *67 (555) 555-5555. Works like a charm!

[ladyinred3333]

Originally Posted by Mama2Gia

When I call my FD's mom I use the caller ID block. I don't have to remember though because it is saved in my phone that way. So in my phone her number reads *67 (555) 555-5555. Works like a charm!

That is really smart.

[KLL08]

If you were confortable with contact before, I'd think contact now would be good. Perhaps they needed time to get used to him being adopted, and focus on his birth mother. If she had your last name in the email you sent before and no boundaries have been crossed I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Take things one day at a time. Try a phone call...see how it goes. Then maybe a play date at a kid friendly restaraunt. Our DD is 3.5 yo, but more like a 6yo with her vocabulary and development. Our open adoption doesn't confuse her, she loves visits. And I think it has answered questions she's had already.

[AlabamaMommy]

I look at this as "dating when you have a small child." As the adult, establish the relationship but leave the child out for now. See what is going on and only allow visits once the relationship is more stable. (By establishing, I mean talk, send pics, etc) If you feel good about it, schedule a visit.

Good luck!

[swd]

Wow, thanks for all the advice so far. I was all ready to go meet them, and then I told DH. He shut it down, said he wanted to sleep on it, and that the first step (if any) should be email, not even a phone call. I guess that makes the most sense, and breaks it down into baby steps instead of just jumping in with both feet.

I do tend to get carried away...

[swd]

Well I emailed. Sent a pic, said I was glad they had contacted the agency, said I hope everyone is doing okay, said DS is doing great, healthy, happy, etc. but no real details on his life.

Nothing. Not even crickets. That was over a week ago. I can only imagine how difficult this is for them. I almost feel bad that I wrote and sent a pic, like it was too much or something, but I didn't send a big long email, just a short note that he's fine and happy, and we love him, etc. And they supposedly wanted it, so I know I shouldn't feel bad, but I do...

[smiles2012]

I definitely would not feel bad...they contacted agency, so they did want an update. Wo knows, it could have gone to spam folder. Contact the agency and let them tell bfamily your email address.