[Alexa1981]

So my DS is due on September 29th

Birthmom wants me at the hospital and I was hoping for some advice on what to be prepared for?

We don't have an open adoption, so this will be the first time we meet each other. I'm planning on sending her flowers and bringing a thank you note and small gift to be given to her by my attorney after she signs surrenders, but I was hoping for some advice on what to expect while there.

I know with several of my bio mom friends, they brought stuff for the baby to wear while in the hospital. Since Birthmom and I live 5 hours away I have packed clothes for him for the hospital just in case, but I want to know what else to prepare for mentally and emotionally.

Thanks so much for the advice!

[belleinblue1978]

I never wanted to be thanked for my son and when I have been, I was supremely upset by it. My son was not a gift to a couple who wanted a child, I was giving him the gift of a life that I believed I couldn't give him. I'd think long and hard before I gave the mother a thank you note.

Remember that you are at the hospital at her request and that she is the mother and that baby is her child. If she asks you to leave the room, no matter how hard that may be, you need to do as she asks. If the adoption goes through, you get the rest of baby's life. The mom only gets a few days.

This will be a time when she needs to remake her decision to place and is a time of intense grief. Showing happiness is great, but don't go overboard. Try to be respectful of how she feels.

She may have a going home outfit for him, I bought one for my son. If she does, I'd put that outfit on him, and take pictures, that will be a special memory for him someday.

[RavenSong]

The one thing I strongly suggest is to make sure the expectant mom knows that it is her legal right to obtain a copy of the baby's original birth certificate before she signs the relinquishment papers. If I were you, I would ask her to send you a copy of the original birth certificate, so you can give it to your son when he's older. After she signs the papers, it'll be really difficult for anyone to obtain the OBC, and many adult adoptees lament not having a copy of their own.

I do agree with Belle about not giving her a thankyou note. I would have felt awfully weird if I had been thanked at that point in time...or any point in time actually. As Belle pointed out, the baby is not her gift to you. She's trying to give her son a better chance at life by placing him for adoption...

[Alexa1981]

I have no intentions on thanking her for the gift of a child. I intend to thank her for choosing me to give him the life she wants him to have. She could have chosen anyone, but she is chosing me and I think that deserves some gratitude.

My plan is to do whatever the birth mom wants within reason. If she wants me at the hospital, then I will be there, if she doesn't I will respect her wishes. I have no demands in this situation, as I have no right to have any and it would be improper to have any. She is his mother birth and legal until she signs papers to alter that.

I hope she wants to spend time with him, I want that for her as much as I want that for the baby.

[belleinblue1978]

Alexa,

I'm just speaking to you as someone that has lived adoption for a long time. I'd be embarrassed as heck if my parents thanked my first mom for placing me for adoption. I've been thanked more than once, and just for choosing them, and even though I know it is sincere, it still makes me very uncomfortable.

I'm not trying to upset you, I'm just telling you how I feel as a first mother and adopted person.

It worries me that you refer to the emom as a the birthmom and this little one as your son. What if she changes her mind? Have you talked about how you would feel if that happened with someone?

[Alexa1981]

She is his birth mother, regardless if she does place him with me or not, she will always be his birth mother.

He is not my son and may not ever be and I'm well aware of that. I apologize for the poor choice of acronyms.

I have worked professionally within the field of child abuse and adoption for four years, and am very fortunate to professionally and personally know several great individuals who I have spoken with this entire process. I rely heavily on my faith that whatever happens will be what is supposed to happen.

Nothing is a sure thing until it happens.

I can't even imagine what the birth mom is going through. Placing your child with another to give the child the life you want them to have is the most selfless act of all and I greatly respect that.

If you are against a thank you note/card/flowers, etc, then what would you have preferred?

I think each adoption story is unique based on those involved, but I will gladly accept idea on showing gratitude.

[RavenSong]

Alexa,

She is NOT a birth mother until she signs the relinquishment papers. I know that adoption agencies use this term for expectant mothers, but they do it as a subtle form of coercion, as a way to get women to start dissociating from their unborn children.

ETA: There are many ways to express gratitude without writing a thankyou card. I think flowers are a lovely idea, so is a nice photo album that she can use to put photos of baby in as he grows up. A lot of PAPs give first moms a piece of jewelry that signifies the bond between mothers. One gift that I would have really appreciated while in the hospital after giving birth to my son would have been a basket of bath goodies, stuff to make you smell good and get that hospital smell out of your hair.

[belleinblue1978]

How about a note that offers your thoughts during a time that you know must be difficult?

As far as working in a field with child abuse, it isn't synonymous with adoption. I work with kids that are abused too, doesn't mean I link it with adoption.

She isn't a birth mother, she is a mother at this point. Birth mother is a term reserved for after signing relinquishment papers. Why do you feel the need to qualify her existence as a mother so soon in the process?

[BestMomEver]

How exciting! I can't imagine the emotions you are going through. Time must be almost standing still. I agree with trying to get the OBC. Can't tell you how much I wish we had one for our son. Also, ask if you can order some of those horrid photos the hospital takes of newborns. As a mom in a closed adoption, I really with I had those. If you get to spend some time with mom, just try to get to know her and her family. Any little tidbits you can gather will be so important to your son a lot sooner than you think. Also because our adoption is closed by bmom's choice. I have no info about bdad. I would love to know if he was tall, fat, smart, hairy. . . anything I could share with my son.
I totally understand your gratitude. I can remember being overwhelmed with gratitude that someone somehow thought I was the best choice to raise a child. That someone made a decision that had to tear her apart that resulted in such unexpected happiness for me. That it was even possible for someone to so profoundly change a life. There is nothing wrong with thanking the person who is responsible for that. Obviously you are not going to say "Hey, thanks for the baby."

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Alexa1981

So my DS is due on September 29th

Birthmom wants me at the hospital and I was hoping for some advice on what to be prepared for?

We don't have an open adoption, so this will be the first time we meet each other. I'm planning on sending her flowers and bringing a thank you note and small gift to be given to her by my attorney after she signs surrenders, but I was hoping for some advice on what to expect while there.

I know with several of my bio mom friends, they brought stuff for the baby to wear while in the hospital. Since Birthmom and I live 5 hours away I have packed clothes for him for the hospital just in case, but I want to know what else to prepare for mentally and emotionally.

Thanks so much for the advice!

Don't have any advice--just wanted to say you come across as a kind, caring person. I wish you all happiness with your family.

[ErinandWill]

Alexa,

I understand. What I don't think a lot of birthmoms can understand from the AP point of view (because they may not have lived that just as we have not experienced being a birthmom) is just how much you want to do the "right" thing not the "wrong" thing. How frazzled your nerves are and how you're just trying to deal with the whole thing. You have people coming at you from all sides telling you what you should, shouldn't do, should feel, not feel and it is hard. You are literally at the mercy and whims of another person and it is hard. As for a gift for the emom - we gave our birthmom (and yes, she is now his birthmom) a photo album. Pictures were important to her and I wanted to show her that we would be sending plenty of pics to fill that album.

I get your statement about wanting to show gratitude for her choosing you. Our birthmom kept thanking us over and over and I was uncomfortable with that because I felt like we were being placed on some type of pedestal and I didn't want that. When she kept thanking us, I said back that I thanked her for choosing us to be his parents. It was all verbal.

Each situation is unique and however you decide to handle it, go with your best intentions to show care and concern and you'll be fine.

[monee]

Slightly OT, but I think that everyone is so uncomfortable with the gratitude because, there is always someone who suffers a loss. Whether it be the birth parents that end up placing their child or the PAP's in a failed adoption, there is always someone who has some sort of grief to deal with. We, as human beings, typically like to thank others for sacrifices (big and small) that enrich our lives in someway, but because of the depth of sacrifice/loss, it becomes awkward.

It seems like Alexa is coming from a really good place in wanting to do right by the emom. She got some valuable (albeit harsh) feedback around terminology and expectations. Before I found this site, I was not at all well versed on proper terminology and what some might find offensive.

I really can't offer any advice, Alexa as my situation was altogether different. I would say that whatever is done in love sincerity and honesty, on all sides, will typically come out in the wash

[feelingreyt]

This is a very exciting time for you! I honestly can't imagine how you are feeling, and I'm an amom! Our situation was just so different than the "norm" we didn't go through the waiting period. I don't think I could have handled it, lol! But you seem to be handling the situation with dignity!

Wanting to express your gratitude is normal. After you get to know the mom you will probably get a feel as to what is the best way to voice that gratitude. Of course if you're like me, you want to plan ahead! So guess I'm not helping you any

I would definitely take some baby clothes just in case he needs them. Always best to have too much than not enough. And if you both bring a going home outfit, no reason why he can't have pics in each outfit, then choose which one to take him home in.

Good luck with your decisions. And God Bless everyone involved.

[Fe2002]

I can't even imagine how giddy and nervous you are! lol... So just in the hospital right? Not actually present during birth? That would add a whole new dimension of nervousness for me.

Sorry, I'm no help as to how to prepae.. just wanted to say good luck and safe travels!

Originally Posted by Alexa1981

So my DS is due on September 29th

Birthmom wants me at the hospital and I was hoping for some advice on what to be prepared for?

We don't have an open adoption, so this will be the first time we meet each other. I'm planning on sending her flowers and bringing a thank you note and small gift to be given to her by my attorney after she signs surrenders, but I was hoping for some advice on what to expect while there.

I know with several of my bio mom friends, they brought stuff for the baby to wear while in the hospital. Since Birthmom and I live 5 hours away I have packed clothes for him for the hospital just in case, but I want to know what else to prepare for mentally and emotionally.

Thanks so much for the advice!

[Caligirl2012]

Congrats Alexa!!!!! such an exciting time for you guys! . We just went through that whole process in July and felt the same way as you (what should we expect). Your og question was what to prepare for emotionally and mentally .... I would say just prepare for one of the most amazing yet emotionally and mentally draining experiences you will ever go through. And I dont mean this in a negative way... No matter what happens at the hospital the emotional and mental aspect of this journey is pretty crazy. So I would suggest having things to keep your mind occupied and have your support system ready even at the hospital with you if possible. Personally, I was not prepared for how much i would grieve for the bparents 7 weeks out and it is getting better but i am still working through all that. Please know that this is not meant in a negative way just some advice It is an amazing journey that will make your dreams come true at the end of it all Good luck to you and enjoy every moment as they come

And as far as the gift/card i say speak from the heart