[rd200]

I am just soooo frustrated by this. I follow and occasionally post on an Infertility forum. Of course the subject of adoption doesnt go over so well and isnt really on the front of people's minds. But lately there is an increasing amount of negativity towards adopting and its really really bothering me. Espiecally since we have adopted.
I mean, when i read posts that say.... People tell me to "just adopt" and then i tell them that adoption isnt even something we would consider and that is absolutely PLAN D for us. it really gets me. Cuz then once that person isnt successful with IF treatments, guess what... they are going to then think adoption is the last resort and have to "move on" to adopt. I always think to myself... What kind of life is that poor child going to have when their parents only adopted them after plan A, B, and C all failed.

I think it just bugs me cuz i look at my son and think he's absollutely perfect!! I couldnt ask for anymore. I sooo happy we went this route. And then there's people who say stuff like that and its just like.... Gee, thanks, like the adoption of my son was somehow "less than"
I dont know, maybe its that time of the month but gosh i wanted to Chew that lady out. but for fear of loosing my privelages to post... i chickened out....

[Linny]

I'm sitting here thinking, 'she's never read some of my posts about this.' We never dealt with infertility; but I get VERY tired of reading comments when people state they're still re-living that 'non-fertile status'......and they have a gorgeous baby in their arms...through adoption. It's then I really have to wonder---as you've stated, 'Was this baby a second choice for you then?'-----

Because I've gotta tell ya, my 'adopted babies' are just as precious, if not more so, than ANY baby we could have had biologically. Maybe I just don't get it; and I think some have looked poorly on a comment such as that, but when you've been blessed with your baby....how could anyone 'look back' and still lament that biological connection?
I guess I just don't get it......

Sincerely,

Linny

[FLAdoptiveMama]

I had a bad experience in an infertility forum as well. Someone said that she did not want to adopt because she did not want to GET or PURCHASE a baby. I totally went off on her. I don't post there as often any longer. I know a lot of women in those forums complain about being childless and about infertility treatments failing and won't give adoption a chance at all. I am so happy I adopted. I wish I did not even spent any of my $$$ in infertility treatments. Adoption was better than I ever thought it would be. I am truly blessed.

I will say express your opinion. If they take your privileges for doing so then you should really question if that is a forum you want to be a part of.

[theLBs]

We didn't have issues with infertility, so maybe I don't get it. But I feel sorry for anyone whose heart is so closed that only a child that comes by a certain path can enter.

I have a friend who really wants to be pregnant. She has two children through adoption that she could not love more than she does. She says it's not about having a bio child that she misses...it's being pregnant that she wants so badly. For her, as weird as it sounds, it's like two separate things.

You're a stronger woman than I am! I'd probably be banned from the site right now.

[eagleswings216]

I generally stay away from infertility forums because they just seem so negative. While I understand how painful infertility can be, I always knew that it wasn't the end of the world for me to not get pregnant, and adoption was always part of our plan, even if we did have some biological children.

[Fran27]

You have to keep in mind that a lot of us saw adoption as option B at least, too. When people want a child, it's normal for them to want a biological child first. You carry them, you decide what gets in their system during pregnancy, you don't have to deal with birthparents and nosy social workers, you don't have to worry that the birthparents will get the baby back... then there's the people who 'couldn't love a child that isn't theirs'. But I'm sure a lot of people who ended up adopting had those doubts, too. And I'm sure that they love their children just as much now. Heck my agency really wanted to make sure that people were 'over having a biological child' before accepting them (they only dealt with infertile couples).

It can be a long process. For me it was fast, my fear of not having kids because we didn't have that much money was the worst. So we had to find the most certain way of having a baby with the money we had. For people who can afford IVF or whose insurance cover it, the process is probably longer.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't see it as saying that adopted kids are 'less'... just that people are not ready for it. And adoption isn't for everyone either, it doesn't mean that our adopted children are not precious.

And honestly I'm not sure it's something you can really understand unless you've been in those shoes either. And yes... I did get offended by your post - just because adoption wasn't our first choice doesn't mean we love our children less.

About the 'buying a baby thing'... well, it does seem that way for me. Money (a lot of it) is given and we get a baby. Adoption is a business (sure, some agencies are non profit, but I wonder how much their CEO makes a month? Actually, I don't want to know!). I thought it was outrageous to have to pay $25k to get a baby, and I still find it outrageous. The fine line between paying expensive fees and 'buying' a baby is very thin, IMO.

[portlowski]

I did the whole infertility marathon...injectibles, IUI, uterine surgery, miscarriage, 2 IVFs. During that time I wanted to be pregnant very badly, and I wanted to have a child with my husband. It felt very primal and "out of my control" and the depth of my feelings scared me. I cried a busket of tears during that time, and although I NEVER felt that adotpion was "less than", I also felt like it had nothing to do with what I was going through, so when people said "just adopt" it was as if they could not understand at all what was in my heart. I wasn't grieving over being childless, I was grieving over not being able to "make" the child and somehow strangely, over the fact that my genes which have been passed on since the beginning of time, end with me. Okay, so that sounds so dramatic and annoying, but it is how I felt at the time.

After I figured out that I would never have a bio child, we took a year to decide if we wanted to change gears. Over that time, I began to really feel that I wanted a child in my life and I was able to let go of the fertility stuff. Me feelings about ME adopting changed dramatically.

Now I have my son and I know that the whole journey was worth it because it led me to him. Confession: I now sometimes feel "superior" because I love my son completely and totally without the "need" to be biologically related. Of course, I absolutely do not deny the love of bio parents, but now I understand the depth of love possible when that tie is absent.

[luvbeingamom]

For me, infertility treatments were "plan B". I really wanted to adopt. My husband and I already had three beautiful grown sons. After a devastating failed private adoption after 2 weeks of parenting, I started looking into embryo adoption. We ended up doing IVF with donor egg and donor sperm. We decided to continue fostering children. I figured if a placement came up for adoption, we would have a sibling. I ended up carrying twins and now we are adopting the placement that came to us a couple of weeks before our IVF. I wouldn't have accepted a placement right then of two-but they are relatives and it was supposed to be "short term".

I never, ever considered infertility treatments before our failed adoption. I'm so glad we went through with it because our twins and our toddlers are all beautiful wonderful children and I can't imagine our lives without them! For me, I don't understand why women are down on either adoption or infertility treatments. They are both just options on how to build your family.

[AlabamaMommy]

For us, adoption was "Plan A" and we never battled with infertillity. However, my brother and his wife did and I must say that we have to be considerate of THEIR feelings during this time. My brother and his wife joined a forum at the lowest point of their struggle. They were angry, defensive and hurt. 2 years later they traveled to Russia and adopted brothers. That was 10 years ago. They will tell you that while their choice to adopt was "second choice", their sons are not. I try to not get offended by comments unless I know where they are coming from. Just my 2 cents.

[Dickons]

rd,

What kind of life is that poor child going to have when their parents only adopted them after plan A, B, and C all failed.

There will be those who realize being an AP is a good thing and love their children unconditionally, and there will be those AP's who will expect the adoptees to live up to the imagined image of what "their" bio child would have achieved and the adoptee will never be good enough. It's always been that way and will always be that way - hopefully along the line the SW sees the latter attitude and doesn't approve them to adopt.

As an adoptee I got the former type (the good ones) albeit back then it was Plan A or Plan B and I do wonder at times how the next generation will feel being Plan D instead - more complicated perhaps in terms of growing your self-worth?

Perhaps you should agree with the very negative ones that they would not be suitable candidates as AP's and hope (suggest) they don't ever adopt. Not everyone makes a good AP...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[DrAmanda]

We did not struggle with infertility, so I can't pretend to understand the feelings of loss involved. I never had that deep yearning for a bio child that many women have. Of course, I have a bio dd and I love her with all of my heart and soul, but I just didn't have that deep desire to be pregnant.

That being said, I've had people tell me that they could "never raise someone else's child" and I tell them that I am raising MY son. Which of course is met with, "Well you know what I mean." Yes, I know what they mean and I don't think everyone is cut out to be an adoptive parent. I think it says more about that person's inabilities to be an adoptive parent than it says about adoption being a negative thing. I'm glad those people recognize that and don't put a child through a lifetime of feeling like they are second-best.

I totally understand that adoption is plan B for a lot of people and I don't think that inherently means they are going to treat their child like plan B. A good adoptive parent can delineate the difference.

I've had friends go through infertility, failed embryo adoption, etc and then land on adoption. I think that process is what they needed to get their hearts in the right place to be wonderful adoptive parents. You never know what path a person may need to find their purpose.

[jp4ga]

Maybe I am an odd ball, but our family plan was not ABCD. Our plan was to have a family that included bio and adopted children. We discussed this in depth prior to getting married.

Well we were unable to have our own child without fertility treatments. We ended up with 2 children. One through fertility treatments and one through adoption. Neither are plan A, B, or C.

What my children know that many children who "just happen naturally" don't know 100% for sure is we REALLY WANTED THEM. We did not just get stuck with a baby we did not really WANT. We pursued our children with everything we had.

I was floored last week when in a Face-to-face discussion about infertility a woman said "I wish I was infertile, I cried every time the test came out positive." She has 4 kids and said this in a room of about 25 women. She went on to say abortion and adoption were not options so she was stuck with them. Its the kids that have parents like her I really worry about.

[Hoping2adoptsibs]

Adoption was Plan A for me. Never really had an urge to give birth. When I told someone that I wanted to adopt I got the lecture of "You're young you can still have your own." That's not my issue and I politely told him that is something that I don't have an urge to do, otherwise I'd have a caravan full of kids. Adoption always called to me. I blame it on reading about Josephine Baker when I was very young and thought it was one of the greatest things I ever heard of. Then of course when celebrities seem to adopt kids and plaster it all over for what seems sometimes just for publicity that casts a negative reaction when you tell someone that you are adopting. "Who do you think you are going to be, Angelina? She has millions and has nannies at her beck and call. You won't have it that easy." Easy? What is easy about parenting in general? People assume this is a easy decision that you apply like you are applying for a driver's license and a worker comes with a book, you pick out your children and she drops them off later that day and everything is sugar plums and roses I guess.

I never dealt with infertility but I would never put down another choice. It might not be my choice, but that is like me attacking someone going through IVF and telling them to adopt because IVF is my plan D.

[Miss.M]

Originally Posted by Hoping2adoptsibs

Adoption was Plan A for me. Never really had an urge to give birth. When I told someone that I wanted to adopt I got the lecture of "You're young you can still have your own." That's not my issue and I politely told him that is something that I don't have an urge to do, otherwise I'd have a caravan full of kids. Adoption always called to me.

This is me exactly. I didn't want to birth so much that I had hubby get the Big V when I was in my very early 30's. Adoption was it - first and always.

Two things my mother and grandmother always say:

Careful what you wish for. And
What goes around comes around.

[latinosunshine]

Dh and I were not sure we wanted to have kids. But even before we got married we said we wanted to have bio kids and adopted kids IF we ever came to the conclusion that kids were to be part of our lives.

When we finally decided to have children, we found out we were unable even with fertility intervention. I grieved the loss of a bio child and so he did. Adoption was not plan b. It was part of the original plan. So, we couldnt have the bio part of the plan. We still could have one part of our desire to have kids through adoption.

We love our children. Its amazing personality wise how close they are to me and my Dh. I dont think grieving the loss of a dream is bad. Sometimes you are going to have a new dream that is even better than what you could have imagined. At least it is in our case.