[HopingGA45]

I was having a discussion with a close friend about how adoptees react to being adopted. He was adopted as an infant and he believes that women tend to have more emotional issues/baggage (his words) with feelings of abandonment/loss than men do. It seems like his comments play out in the relationships I have with adoptees. Do you think that gender makes a difference with regard to adoption? Why or why not?

[OakShannon]

Interesting question.

I remember hearing once that there is a misperception that female adoptees are more likely to search for their birth families than male adoptees. They said that in fact, men and women search in about equal numbers, but women are more likely to want to develop an ongoing relationship, whereas men are more likely to want to meet and get information, but not necessarily stay in contact.

Aside from that, I don't really know. I wonder if women are really more likely to have "emotional baggage" or if we just tend to talk about our feelings more so whatever is on our minds is more obvious. I have two nieces and two nephews who were adopted. All are in their late 20's now. I don't see any real differences, at least from the outside. All four seemed to struggle in similar ways in their early adulthood. None claim to want contact with birth family. Although my nieces were internationally adopted, so it probably wouldn't be possible and one nephew has a closed adoption with no information about his birth family outside of the city he was born in. Obviously, that's just anecdotal, though.

[mumofone]

From all the reading I've done, I agree.

My DH is an adult adoptee in reunion since 1996. He knew who his mom was as there was a mistake on his adoption paperwork, and he had her name. He knew from a bit of research that she only lived a little over an hour from us. But, he had no desire to find her. They actually found him.

I'm finding that even with my own children, it's the same. While we have very open adoptions, I'm seeing that it's my girls who truly have the desire...full of questions, etc. My boys, not so much.

[crick]

Spoken like a true male... (emotional baggage...things men say when women talk about anything other than sports)

I think gender makes a difference in how we deal with things in general, and adoption is one of those things. I think women base more personal worth on what others think about us and men are less likely to do that.

Women in general seek out affirmation from others much more than men, imo. (obviously not all of us, etc.) Then, there are of course the biological differences of our brains and how we are wired.

In terms of a search, I agree with Oak regarding the expectations of a search. I don't think men usually seek out emotional relationships as much as women do. I also believe that men are very loyal to their moms if they've had a good relationship/bond with them growing up. Not that it means they don't have the desire to search or know, (if they are an adoptee) just that they are less likely to seek out another relationship with a mother figure. For example, I think there's likely a higher ratio of women that are closer to their mother in laws then there are men.

Searching is not an issue of abandonment, imo. Searching is a basic need to know who we are and where we came from. It's not just adoptees who do family research or want to know more about their roots after all. (not saying you said this, just putting it there because often it seems like there's a misconception about searching = issues)

My own dd is far more interested in things than my boys are. My dh never pursued it until a couple of years ago. I think becoming a father had more to do with it than anything else. Found bmom and they email a bit, but that's about the extent of it.

Of others I personally know, the same traits seem to follow.

[Pepperminty]

I don't know enough adult adoptees to generalize, but I have been friends with a few, both male and female. I would say that how they seemed to "carry" the adoption went along with their overall personalities--the ones who were more emotionally expressive expressed feelings about adoption more, the ones who were matter of fact about things were business-like about it.

Since men (in general) seek out fewer emotional relationships and spend less time discussing emotional situations with friends, etc. I think it may look from the outside like they are less affected, but they may be very deeply affected nonetheless.

My DH is not adopted but has faced some significant stuff in other areas, and I bet that not one person he is "friends" with--coworkers, guys he plays music with for years, etc.--have any idea what his feelings really are about those things. They'd probably say he wasn't upset at all about them, when really he feels quite strongly.

[Barksum]

I'm not willing to divide on gender lines. Yes, I believe that men and women do things differently, but I've seen that my kids individually have individual temperaments and this seems to be more of a factor than their gender. The one adoptee I know personally who purposefully did a search and found bio family is a male, and has maintained an ongoing relationship. Not necessarily bosom pals, but a relationship that is ongoing nonetheless.