[smiles2012]

So, Im realizing that emom and I are in a situation where we will have to figure out this whole "vision" on our own.

We both want an open adoption. How open? She isnt sure. I (adoptive parent) am willing for it to be as open as she would like.

Should we just talk about it and have a verbal understanding? (Im not sure about this because I want to make sure that I follow everything that she would like, and dont want any miscommunication)

Should we talk and then write up something so that I know in writing what she would like...with the understanding of course that she may change the level of openness that she wants?

What are the advantages and disadvantages of having something written up?

For those in an open-adoption: What did your original agreement look/sound like and how has it changed over time?

[brooklyn_girl]

I'm not sure what writing something up formally would accomplish unless you have a lot of trouble effectively communicating with eMom and writing it down is the best way you can think of to get her to articulate what she wants. If you are not sure how open you want to be, why not play it by ear? I think you could just talk about it and have a verbal understanding for the time being. The baby's not even here yet, and you and eMom may feel differently months and years from now.

But that's just me. Perhaps someone else on the forum has something more formal going in their open adoption with their birthparent(s) than I do, who can share wisdom.

Edited to say - eMom might appreciate the suggestion that you write things down, as a positive sign of your commitment. Or she might find it too restrictive in case her feelings change. Won't know till you ask!

[smiles2012]

Edited to say - eMom might appreciate the suggestion that you write things down, as a positive sign of your commitment. Or she might find it too restrictive in case her feelings change. Won't know till you ask!

My thoughts exactly! I guess Ill just put it out there like that and see what she thinks. Thanks!

[theLBs]

We live in a state where OAs are not enforceable, but we still wrote down What we were agreeing to...we agreed to letters and pictures monthly the first year, 2-4 times a year after and at least one visit per year and more as requested/agreed. We had three visits the first year (4 scheduled, but firstmom cancelled one) and pretty much plan to set one whenever she asks. She's only about an hour and a half away, and we really enjoy time with her. We send pics every month so far and have a private Facebook page just for her and her aunt. Any time I upload pics to my computer, I add it to the private page. I post something a couple of times a month. I'd encourage you not to promise what you can't keep...and you may have the best intentions, but it's hard with a little one! I love that I can upload to shutterfly and they mail them directly to her...the first couple of times I tried to get by the post office and mail them myself, and it almost never happened! And you can always do more than you agree to, if you both are open to it. Good luck!

[smiles2012]

I imagine our OA very similar to yours. Im willing to visit when she feels up for it/would like to because I think we get along really well, and I enjoy being around her.

Shutterfly is awesome in its convenience...

The only thing I am not wanting are pop-in or unannounced visits. I dont think she would but I should probably express that. Anything else feels very doable for me.

[tobeafamily]

We never had anything written down, though we talked over time about how things would work. As good, honest, open communication is key to long term success, you should talk with her about whether a written agreement would help before actually writing something up, and treat it as a collaborative, nonbonding discussion document. Or, just say - look, we're good with anything but unannounced, drop-in visits. We'll keep a Shutterfly account. We'd rather you not post baby videos to Youtube (if that's an issue), etc.

[portlowski]

We were more than happy to write things up but our son's bmom never let us know what she wanted exactly so it never happened.

Our adoption was very open (still is but visits etc. have decreased dramatically) and I needed to express that if she wanted to have a visit that was not scheduled that she send me an e-mail about it. It was too hard to be put on the spot and have to say "no" on the phone if we were unavailable.

Now, I practically beg her to call, come over, heck, drop on by if you're in the area, no phone call necessary! but it took 5 years to get to where we are. Five years of mutual respect and getting to know one another. Now I really do feel like she is just part of the extended family.

It has been very exciting to watch our son's first mom grow from being a high school kid into a young woman who is married to a great guy and opening her own business next month.

[Dickons]

From the outsider...

A written promise to talk about things that may cause problems before they become problems...it takes a lot of courage and if you both agree to do your best not to become defensive but to listen and discuss it before hard feelings occur...

A written promise that no matter what happens family health history will never stop being communicated both ways to protect both sides...

Kind regards,
Dickons