[onetwothreefourfive]

Our agency kind of pushes open adoption but secretly hubby and I are hoping to be offered a situation where the birthmom wants no contact. I know that may sound bad, but we just may be the most paranoid people on the planet.

I noticed that adoptive parents are almost made to feel guilty these days for wanting closed adoptions.

What's your take?

[florencecalling]

What about an open adoption makes you paranoid? Is there something about an open adoption that scares you?

[Fran27]

We have pretty much a closed adoption... we send pictures and a letter once a year but we never hear back, I don't even know if they actually get it...

Frankly... it's great... I was sorta relieved that I didn't have to meet them when we got the call. When I see what some people go through with open adoptions sometimes, I'm glad we didn't have to go through that. The only reminder of the adoption really is when their birthday gets close and I have to send the pictures and write the letter (I did that last week).

BUT... I'm worried my kids will want to know more when they're older, and that I won't really have much to tell them, apart from the paperwork they signed and some pictures of them that I stole off myspace. So I really can't tell in the long run if it will be a good thing or not...

[portlowski]

I don't think you should feel bad about wanting a closed adoption if you have fully looked into open adoption and just feel it is not for you. I would encourage you not to agree to an open adoption if you really don't want it.

I think what works best is when both parties (BPs and APs) want the same kind fo relationship. If one side is forced into something they really do not want, it is bound to cause problems later on.

For what it is worth, my personal reason for wanting an open adoption is partly selfish. I feel it is easier to have my son growing up knowing his birthparents (well, his bmom anyway, bdad is now deceased) than it would be to have a reunion later on. I like knowing his birthfmaily and having them be part of my family as well (kind of like in-laws) rather than my son having a family that I might never be a part of.

We all have different comfort levels with certain things and there is no reason to feel bad about knowing your limits.

[becky]

I have one closed and one open. While the closed is 'easier' for me, I absolutely know that it is hard for my 10 year old daughter to know almost nothing about her birthfamily. It's also hard for her to see our open adoption with her younger sister. So...in that respect, I really wish her adoption was open.

[Linny]

Originally Posted by onetwothreefourfive

Our agency kind of pushes open adoption but secretly hubby and I are hoping to be offered a situation where the birthmom wants no contact. I know that may sound bad, but we just may be the most paranoid people on the planet.

I noticed that adoptive parents are almost made to feel guilty these days for wanting closed adoptions.

What's your take?

You are correct to comment that many agencies/attorneys DO try to make hopeful adoptive parents feel guilty for wanting a closed adoption. Honestly, there are some of us who have closed adoptions and we're thrilled with it...as are/were the birthparents of our children. If our other adoptions aren't closed; then they are very limited semi-open (meaning we sent updates, photos for the first few years.)

You may find that some of us who have closed adoptions keep it rather quiet, simply because some people feel so strongly against them. Yet, even though there are some people who feel they 'have to stay open for their children'; my own older children (adopted as infants) have told us they're GLAD we didn't have an open relationship (OR, a semi-open for 18yrs).
They feel that if we'd have had an open relationship, the updates and photos would have been a violation of THEIR privacy; that they'd have had no control over where/with whom any of that info was shared. Well over their 20's.......they have no desire to search or 'find out'. And even this when they have lots of detailed info about extended family.

Be honest with any birthmother about what you want........and don't change just because there's a possible situation waiting. Just as it can be unfair to have an open adoption for child (IMO)....it's doubly unfair to present yourselves as open-adoption friendly-----intending never to keep your word about it.

FWIW, there ARE agencies who allow freedom of choice with types of adoption....as they allow freedom to the birthparents they serve as well. (This isn't always true for either party with some agencies/attorneys.)

Open adoption---as far as visits, annual updates for 18yrs, and other various contacts, are NOT ALWAYS the best thing for a child OR the family. There are those who believe open adoptions can prohibit full bonding of the adoptive family with the new child/infant because of it's possible intrusive nature. And while this is completely an individual choice, don't let anyone talk you into something you're not comfortable doing.


Please feel free to pm me if you'd like.

Sincerely,

Linny

[onetwothreefourfive]

Originally Posted by florencecalling

What about an open adoption makes you paranoid? Is there something about an open adoption that scares you?

The thought of any drama with the bmom/bdad makes me cringe. I don't want to deal with that. As for my husband, since we began the process and he learned how typical open adoption is, he's been worried that the bparents would want to find us or something.

Anyway, everyone's thoughts are interesting. I do understand that our child may want to know about their birthmom/BF someday. That'll be hard either way.

[onetwothreefourfive]

Originally Posted by Linny

Open adoption---as far as visits, annual updates for 18yrs, and other various contacts, are NOT ALWAYS the best thing for a child OR the family. There are those who believe open adoptions can prohibit full bonding of the adoptive family with the new child/infant because of it's possible intrusive nature.
Linny

Yes, I've thought of that as well, and it worries me quite a bit!
Linny, thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate your honesty on closed adoption.

[Jensboys]

I think the most important thing to realize is that a closed adoption doesn't make your kids LESS adopted. They will still have another family, other parents, more siblings, additional grandparents whether you choose to acknowledge it or not. Understanding that fact, and supporting your children through THEIR reality -- whether they chose to obsess over their adoption or chose to ignore it - and putting their emotional needs ahead of your need to possess your kids is what will really count in the end.

For me, open adoption has been harder but has been MUCH easier for my kids. I remember looking into the eyes of my 4 year old son and saw his questions and wondering, and I knew that I had the power to answer his questions and I could choose to ignore them because it made me feel more like his mom if I didn't have to look at the woman who looked like him and gave birth to him, OR I could not answer them and hope he didn't resent the hell out of me down the road. I am really glad I chose to answer his questions because now at 17 my willingness has saved our relationship through some rocky times.

His full bio brother, our younger son, wants NOTHING to do with his birth family. But again, I had ZERO control over his desires or lack there of. I was simply being the best mom I could be for each individual child.

The issue of privacy to me is rather silly -- we give pictures of our kids to our parents, our siblings, we share them with friends and classmates throughout our kids entire lives. We don't ask our kids opinions if they want to go visit Grandma for Christmas, we go because that is what families do. Birth family created our kids -- teaching our kids to respect their birth parents in turn teaches them to value and respect THEMSELVES and the parts of them that come from their family of origin.

What I realized is that, no matter WHAT or WHO my kids love, I AM their mom. It might be uncomfortable, it might be awkward and in fact it might be terrifying. BUT I chose to adopt my kids, my kids didn't chose to be adopted so the least I can do for them is make sure all their options are open for relationships with those that love them.

[Mama2Gia]

I am a fan of open adoption and love the one we are in. I do, however, understand that it just isn't possible for some. While I disagree with the idea that it can prohibit full bonding with the adoptive family, I see a definite chance of it being unhealthy for some children adopted through foster care whose birth parents are in unhealthy unsafe situations. What I really disagree with is not disclosing that a child is adopted, and, if and when the child asks for information, denying them that info. I believe it is their information to know and to let them know as much of it as is safe and age appropriate.

"For what it is worth, my personal reason for wanting an open adoption is partly selfish. I feel it is easier to have my son growing up knowing his birthparents (well, his bmom anyway, bdad is now deceased) than it would be to have a reunion later on. I like knowing his birthfmaily and having them be part of my family as well (kind of like in-laws) rather than my son having a family that I might never be a part of. " I love this. It is a part of the reason our adoption is open. I also just love the "extra" love my daughter gets.

You have to do what feels right to you but I would highly recommend reading the adoptees point of view in other threads. That may be your child posting in 20 years. While there could be lots of drama, lots of fear, and some trying times in an open adoption- there is also lots of confusion, hurt and drama in closed adoptions later on. Just my opinion!

ETA- and all that stuff that Jensboys just wrote much better than I could have!

[Linny]

Before this goes any further, for the record, we never kept anything from our children. For the record, I posted that there are some who believe open adoption can prohibit full bonding with the new child because of it's possible intrusive nature.

Please....let's not start the argument that it's the best thing for all...that those who have closed adoptions might not be recognizing their children have bio roots; that there IS drama or confusion later on for those who have closed adoptions, because those generalizations are simply generalizations and obviously not true for every situation.

There's been no drama about adoption from my two grown children...adopted as infants and thanking us for NOT having open adoptions. So let's not assume all adoptees feel they should have open adoptions...just like let's not assume any child will feel angry for not having an open adoption.

I'm not here to argue; and I doubt that the OP was trying to start an argument either. Those of us who have closed adoptions aren't trying to make our children 'less than', nor are we 'paranoid', nor are we trying to keep vital information from our children because we don't have visits or continued contact.

I told the OP it's an individual decision and I mentioned that there are situations where OA isn't the best policy. Please don't try to imply or flat out say that our family is doing less of a job in parenting because we aren't doing what OA folks are doing. I was careful to word my response to avoid this type of thing....I'd ask anyone else who's posting to do the same.

Otherwise, we end up with a closed thread because people can't stay away from generalizations...

Please.......

Sincerely,

Linny

[c.a]

To the OP - every situation is unique. And everyone needs to find their own way. And sometimes our children let us know what is right for them.

Open adoption is one way of keeping the options open for our children. We adopted our son from foster care. Before his adoption his visits with his bmom were inconsistent . . . but consistently awful. We agreed to a semi-open adoption - mostly because it would get the case closed and the adoption finalized rather than have to wait for a trial and then an appeal. While we were signing an open adoption agreement, the state workers were giving us advice on how to close the adoption and that was what we planned to do.

Six months later his bmom asked for a visit. Under the terms of the agreement we could have said no. We could have closed the adoption. But we didn't. We decided to give her a chance. and I was so nervous before the first visit that I almost had to pull off the road to puke.

But we made it through the first visit and it wasn't so bad.

and the second visit was even better.

and now - five years later - we're still visiting. Just twice per year. We've been to the playground and bowling. Last week we went to a pottery studio. This summer we are hoping to go on a whale watch.

I have set limits & boundaries to make the visits go well. I don't allow drama.

My son knows where he came from. His questions can be answered. He doesn't have to question whether his bmom loves him.

I don't think that open adoption is always the right way to go. But I do believe that opening my heart to a relationship with my son's bmom has strengthened (not hindered) my relationship with my son.

Good luck on your journey.

[eagleswings216]

What about a semi-open adoption? I totally understand your concerns about drama, etc., and DH and I shared that concern, especially when we didn't know who we would be matched with and what the situation would be like. So we chose semi-open because we wanted to be able to contact our kids' b-parents for information fairly easily if it was needed or wanted, but we didn't want it to be too intrusive of a relationship either.

The way things are for us, we have contact mostly through our agency (pictures and a letter twice a year), but we also have email direct contact. I set up a special email address just for the kids' b-mom so she can contact us whenever she wants, and we can contact her if we want to or if we have questions about anything (like medical things that may arise, etc.).

Honestly, now that I KNOW their b-mom, I wouldn't hesitate to do an open adoption. We live a considerable distance apart (12.5 hour drive), so it's not like we would see each other often anyway, and I totally trust her at this point. But, we have decided to stick with the semi-open so that we can ultimately let our kids decide when or if to have a relationship with her. (Just so you know, we have no contact with b-father, so that is why I don't mention him).

I will echo what some of the others have said - don't agree to something you aren't comfortable with. You can always make an adoption MORE open, but you can't really make it LESS open, you know? And whatever you decide, the most important thing is to not keep secrets from your kids. I think with a closed adoption, or even semi-open, it is easier to not talk about it, but you can make a deliberate effort to talk about it periodically using books, pictures, etc.

[mumofone]

Honestly, back when we adopted our first child many years back, I would have chosen a closed adoption. Our Social Worker, who is like a member of our family, talked about my fears of openness. I agreed to letters and pics.

We were chosen to be parents to a beautiful baby boy. His parents only wanted letters and pics, and at that time, I was relieved. When our son was about 9 months old, and his parents requested pics, I had a complete turn around. I felt secure in my role as his mom, and over the years, it has become fully open. Two of our other children have wide-open adoptions as well. We have visits in our home, email, phone calls, etc. If someone said this is where we would be back when we first started, I'd have called them a liar.

Having said that, it's definitely not for everyone. We are fortunate in that we all respect boundaries, and we have had no issues at all.

One thing I might suggest is that if you are not comfortable with openness, don't agree to it. The right situation will come along.

Good luck with your decision.

[Calebsmom]

Three years into our adoption, our child's birthmother decided to stop all contact with us.

During the first year, she threatened to legally upset the adoption. She continued to express claiming sentments. She mentioned suicide. I was always on tiptoes agonizing how to respond to her. It really took a toll on my nerves and feelings of entitlement. It actually wasn't until she stopped contacting us that I was able to fully claim him.

I nearly begged her for family and medical information, and the most ever sent to us were some family pictures. She would make promises to send things, but they never came. She was sent all kinds of sentimental baby items by me. It was not reciprocated for his benefit.

I sought support on public forums and got nowhere. I was told that this was "typical birthmother behavior" and to turn the other cheek. But it never felt child-centered.

I kept the promises of updating her even though it was one-sided for the next nine years AND our son pleaded with me to stop, ran from picture taking because he felt that it was an imposition when she didn't share with him. Per our original agreement, he could end the updates at age twelve and he elected to do this. I told him to leave a window open if he ever wanted to contact her. He did this for me, but didn't want to. There was no response to his letter.

My son reassured me that he never wanted family history from them anyway, and for me to stop being upset about it. He said that most kids don't know who their ancestors were. He said that he didn't want to be singled out as being adopted, not did he want to have an alternative, extended family relationship. He just wanted to have a normal nuclear family like all of his friends.

His birthmother does not share anything in common with me. I tried to work on projects together with her, and nothing ever materialized. I had to tell her to stop crossing boundaries and her response was to write less. I could tell that her feelings were never one of hopeful friendship, but of competition.

Our second adoption was international. I enjoy the simplicity of it, even though I send updates to the country. It feels totally different. I can really brag about my child's progress and not worry that I might hurt someone's feelings that they're not parenting. I also appreciate not having the inequality of one child having contact, while the other does not.

My son has always known about his adoption. He has a complicated birth story with some poor choices made that put him at risk, and so I feel that all the baggage of explaining was left on my shoulders when she walked away. Honesty and age-appropriate discussions, keeping the communication lines open with our children have always been extremely important to us.

My experience has really left me feeling that OA is an unnatural relationship, is not supported by my understanding of faith, is not supported by mainstream society, does not support the efforts of the adoptive family as they try to forge attachment, and is not as child-centered as one would think. There are plenty of birthmothers who also feel that OA does not work, because they feel deceived. They thought that they would have more input, more involvement than they actually do. The originators of Open Adoption no longer stand by it, either. They prefer more of a guardianship arrangement that does not sever parental rights. I don't know what the best answer is, but for myself, I could not go through what we did to create our family through adoption, to be a guardian. I also don't see expectant mothers considering guardianship providing child support for these kids. I think adoption as an institution will always be necessary for some. The choice for adoption should not be made because of a promise of Open Adoption. Similarly, there should be options for prospective adoptive parents to choose if they do not want a wide-open, frequent contact kind of placement with someone that they don't personally know well. Right now, it is very difficult to find agencies that offer a choice.