[chester5]

I am new to this forum, but not to adoption. We have 4 kids (3 bio, one adopted from Guatemala). We thought our family was complete - but out of the blue were contacted by a former student (I am an educator) asking if we would adopt her baby girl. Due date June 2nd. I want to - DH does not. Our youngest is almost 4, and he doesn't want to deal with diapers, bottles, and all the work a baby involves. I do! I am willing to resign from work to stay home fulltime.

I want this as badly as he doesn't. We do have an appointment with the social worker who did our original homestudy, just to discuss questions, pros, cons, etc. But I don't think either of us will change our minds.

Has anyone else ever gone through this? Any advice?

[Biblemom]

So sorry you are going through this. My hubby and I are in the same boat, but he wants more but I am sure I do. Do you really want to bring a child into your family when your husband isn't on board? I would be livid if my DH put his desire to expand the family above my feelings. Give your DH some time. Talk with your worker and see how he feels afterwards. Just be sure you BOTH go in with an open mind and heart. Best wishes.

[OakShannon]

Our agency closed 8 months into our wait for our second adoption. We'd been passed from one SW to another during that time and I don't think anyone was really putting our homestudy out. At that point, my partner said she just couldn't start over again.

It was hard for me to accept. I really wanted another child and for my son to have a sibling. But two people have to make that decision. For the sake of my partner and our marriage, I had to accept her feelings and her reasoning. We've moved on and it's really okay at this point. We're a great 3-person family.

If your husband really doesn't want another child, I think you might have to let it go, as hard as that is.

[Fran27]

I agree with the other posters... how hard as it is, you should both agree to this, and he will be very resentful if he feels forced into having a baby again.

We're both in his shoes, here. I can't imagine having another baby again. I'm quite sure I would go nuts, and dh would take it really badly (he's older than me, and 2 is already too much for him to handle at times). We absolutely can't imagine going through the sleepless nights again etc... Now, a lot of people have been in this situation and got pregnant by accident and managed just fine, but with adoption you can choose... and you really have to do what's best for your family. Maybe he doesn't want to quitting your job either... 3 is already expensive, having a 4th and you leaving your job would probably be very scary.

[NSB]

I was in your shoes about 7 years ago. Long story short, every once in a while I would ask "Do you want another one yet?" Finally, when our youngest daughter was 7, DH surprised me and said (all on his own) "You know what? Another one wouldn't be so bad." "thud"
As hard as it is, if you like the person you are married to and want to stay married, I agree with the other posters.
I have to say, I am SO glad I respected his feelings as the space between our kids is awesome and the love between our son and my DH is ever so sweet

[Nevada Jen]

Hmmm. . . DS is 6, so maybe my DH will agree to another one next year? Does that mean I can start lookingnow?

[katieb55]

Ooh...tough one. I can relate to wanting more children as we adopted one and I was all ready for #2 and my dh put the brakes on it. I regret letting him do that although I understood his reasons. Is your dh thinking of the financial burden another child would bring? This is one reason I think is pretty valid. If that is not an issue for you, I think that if you could just get him to go along until he saw that baby...it would be over. He would fall in love.

[belleinblue1978]

As an adopted person I really wouldn't have wanted to grow up in a family where one of the parents was manipulated into adoption by the other. I can only imagine what kind of resentment that might create in a relationship.

My mom who is pretty wise, says that the adult relationship in the family has to be the strongest and most important in order for parents to be good parents. You need to consider your husband's wishes for the sake of everyone involved in this situation.

[Ians mom]

I would love to adopt again, and my husband would go along with it, but our children said no. In fact, 2 of them have made it pretty clear that when the sibling group we are fostering goes home they dont want any other children staying here for awhile...so there won't be.

DH and I feel that we brought these children into our family. What happens in this house affects all of us so unless it is a unanimous vote, it doesnt happen. Now, if the 5 yr old is the only holdout we may use some persuasion but each member of the family gets a chance to voice their opinion and explain why they feel the way they do. We have finalized 3 adoptions, and have fostered MANY children over the last decade. Each time it was by unanimous decision.

Sit down, talk to your husband. Let him voice his opinions and concerns, talk to him about your point of view. Dont try to persuade him or argue with him but really hear him and go from there. It might be something the two of you can work out, it might not be. Either way your relationship will stay strong and there will be less chance that either of you will have bad feelings about one another.

[redbonec]

I actually came on this forum tonight to post this same thing--I would really like another child, and my husband says he really likes things the way they are with our two girls. I have been holding onto everything baby for another one, and now this week I have been getting things ready to consign at a store. I can't look at the baby clothes and baby items everyday knowing it's not a consideration. I am very sad about it. I just don't feel "done" with two. I have heard other friends say they knew when they were "done"--some with one, two, three, or four children, but I don't have that feeling yet. I feel like I am being forced out of something I love to do.

I know I cannot try to get him to change his mind, that would not be fair, but I don't know what to do for me to accept the fact that this is it. Maybe just hold out hope for NSB's husband's response in a few years.

So much I feel right now, but that is the gist of it.
So, I am sorry I do not have advice, but I do feel your pain.

I am really sorry you are going through your situation--having the possibility right in front of you, but not being able to say yes.