[winteriscoming]

Sorry in advance for the long post! We are matched with an emom, baby is due March 17 but probably coming earlier than that. We get along well with her, and have been texting and emailing each other regularly. She would like us to be present at the birth, and to cut the cord, and all that, which is beyond wonderful. We've gotten to go to a doctor's appointment with her, and took her and her son out to dinner afterwards.

The only "issue" we've had is that she won't really tell us what she wants for herself. When she first found out she was pregnant, at first she wanted a closed adoption; but changed her mind after getting some counseling. However, she either isn't sure or is afraid to tell us how much contact she wants- not what type, or how often, or anything. She doesn't want to baby to room with her in the hospital, though she says she does want to see him once "to see what she made." She told her social worker that she wants us to start attaching and bonding with him right away, and that she wants us to do all his cares. Which is great for us, but I want to make sure she gets to experience everything that she wants to. She only gets to do this once, and we don't want her to have any regrets about the birth. We asked her if she would like a keepsake with the baby's foot prints on it, or the baby's hospital bracelet, or anything like that, and she won't answer.

I asked our social worker about it, who mentioned it to emom's social worker. But not sure how else to approach it. I don't want it to seem like we know what's best for her, because obviously she knows herself. We've assured her that this is HER delivery, and we are fine with anything she needs. Sorry, I'm rambling. Maybe this IS all she wants. I don't know. I just worry that she's afraid to ask for anything.

[Jillie_sweetheart]

It's a tough situation. I think as a birthmom just knowing that at any point I could ask them to give me my space and that at any point I could change the plan. I think just saying that while we very much respect your wishes that if at any point she needs more space to just let you know and you will totally understand.

[crick]

I think Jillie's suggestion of reassuring her that you respect her wishes to change anything etc. is a good one.

I also suggest that you go ahead and make the footprints keepsake for her as well as copies of anything else to keep for her. She might not want it now or soon, but maybe later she will and you'll have it for her.

As for the contact situation, maybe put down what you are thinking of and see if that's agreeable to her?

[Jillie_sweetheart]

I know that it was hard for me to bring up how much contact I wanted because I was afraid I would be asking for too much. I couldn't even bring it up until after baby was born and I was drugged to the gills on pain killers.

[JustPeachy]

The only "issue" we've had is that she won't really tell us what she wants for herself. When she first found out she was pregnant, at first she wanted a closed adoption; but changed her mind after getting some counseling. However, she either isn't sure or is afraid to tell us how much contact she wants- not what type, or how often, or anything. She doesn't want to baby to room with her in the hospital, though she says she does want to see him once "to see what she made." She told her social worker that she wants us to start attaching and bonding with him right away, and that she wants us to do all his cares.

I think it is very difficult to truly know what you want in this situation, espeically because all of that can change so dramatically AFTER the baby is born. Her feelings are very likely to change once she has given birth and those bonding hormones kick in, and that is OK.

It is also hard to be in an assertive, confident position when you are in the "one-down" position in the relationship. I don't mean this as a dig to you or any adoptive parents, but the fact is, from a legal standpoint, you will be holding all the cards if she follows through with adoption. I would have been afraid to ask for too much, and I would not have had any idea pre-birth what I wanted or needed (I did not have an OA, but what we now know as a semi-OA, which was not an agreement, but just sort of evolved that way over time). It's hard to know ahead of time what will work for you (or not work) until you've actually lived placing a child for adoption. To make all these iron-clad decisions before hand, without any flexibility to re-negotiate anything afterward typically, it's very, very hard. I had NO IDEA how strongly I'd bond with my son after birth, or how very hard it would be to LIVE adoption. Some things didn't get to me until years later, and in retrospect, I wish I'd have done so many things differently. It kind of amazes me that there is an expectation at all (from agencies, society, etc., (not you personally) that a natural mother in a crisis situation who is facing the greatest loss of her life should know what she wants with any kind of certainty.

[Fran27]

I'd make sure she gets plenty of counseling in the next couple weeks and ask her again. It must be tough!

[DrAmanda]

Jayvan's birthmom said that she did not want to hold him or feed him while she was in the hospital, but after he was born that quickly changed. She had written a letter to him before his birth that was assuming the adoption would be somewhat closed, even though we told her that we would love to stay open with her. After he was born, she did ask us if she could feed him, which we of course obliged. She still said she wanted him to room-in with us, but some time during the first night she asked a nurse to bring him to her. I think she felt uneasy about asking us, but we would have obliged with that as well. It is a tense situation and we wanted to make sure that she was comfortable with her decision as much as possible. She also asked us if she could have the decorative birth certificate that the hospital gave us and his hospital bracelet. We gave her those things.

So, I think it is hard to plan. Your baby's birthmom may not know how to plan what she will feel or want after the baby is born. My advice is to just go with the flow.

[Dickons]

Why not come out and tell her that "Her" birth plan is solely up to her and not to feel guilty about any changes. That if the SW or You start making her feel guilty (without intending too) that it is wrong.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[lostmother2012]

Just give her space and let her decide when she wants. I wish i had been the opportunity to have a memento when my son was born but I wasn't asked. All I had was the memory of holding him once after he was born.

[gsxr-mama]

I would follow the advise of giving her space and not push her to make a solid plan. During our adoption journey we came into contact with four expectant mothers.They were all in different situations but ALL changed their minds about what they wanted.
1. wanted to not even hold the baby, she decided to parent
2. wanted time at the hospital before placing, she decided to parent
3. didn't know what she wanted, baby went to cradle care and she picked him a few days later
4. (our son's birthmom) she didn't ever see the baby or want contact with us. We never met in the hospital, she made sure we did not run into each other. A few weeks later we began emailing (at her request) and exchanging emails with pictures.

I would just give her space and let her know that you are not rigid, that are willing to go with along with how she wants things to flow.

[lostmother2012]

That's all you can do is be patient. Whatever happens I will be thinking off you.

[belleinblue1978]

She should get all of the stuff from the hospital if she wants it. Copies are great for you, but the originals should be hers.

I would imagine her mind will change after baby is born about holding him and things. It is going to be hard if that happens and she will probably be afraid to say something. At this point I think you need to make it very clear to her that she is the mom, not you, as hard as that is, and tell her that she gets to call the shots. She shouldn't need to ask permission to hold or feed baby at this point, you and your husband are truly the ones that need permission.

Don't be offended if she has the nurses tell you that she wants the baby. Her hormones are going to be raging and she is going to be grieving already. Just go with it and don't take offense.

Keep it clear in your mind that at this point you are just visitors, even tell her that. I know that has to be super hard for you, but I think it is best for everyone involved.

[winteriscoming]

Belle- We fully realize that she is the mom. Part of the problem (for me) is that she doesn't seem to want any part of the motherhood stuff (at least right now). She has asked us what we want for part of the delivery, and we keep telling her is is HER delivery, and she can do whatever she darn well wants,and have there whomever she'd like. She has said she does not want any keepsakes from the hospital. I do hope she changes her mind once the time comes. Really, that's what this post was supposed to be about (though I probably wasn't clear). I'm afraid she's giving the experience away, and I want her to have any- and everything she wants. I don't want her to have any regrets about the delivery.
She doesn't seem very willing to talk about it, because she changes the subject when I bring it up. I want to let her know all this without annoying her, kwim?

[crick]

Winter - It's clear you've been very gracious in making sure emom is aware that you respect her position and are supporting her in her decisions.

By not making a decision, she kind of IS making a decision. Maybe this really is what she wants (for you to make all the decisions) or maybe she's in denial or just avoiding. Who knows? I think if her counselor or the hospital staff want to talk to her more in depth about this and make sure she's truly making the decisions she wants to, that would be great. She should have that independent support.

I think that your further involvement could be seen as pressure or taken the wrong way by others (agenda) so it might be best to just leave it at "This is how I understand things to be. If that's not what you want, please know we respect your rights and ability to change your mind." And then just give her the space.

Even if you feel she's giving the experience away or not seeming to want to make any decisions, it may very well be that it's the way she truly wants it. She already has a child and if she's been clear in her mind making an adoption plan, then so be it. It might not be the "norm", but it's certainly not your responsibility to make sure either. I think it invests you (aparent) too much in the emotional situation and is best left to the counselors to make sure emom's rights are protected.

So long winded post short...You are doing all the right things and all you can do now is support her as she wishes. I'd still make copies of any keepsakes you plan on doing, make copies of the bracelet/hospital related items that can be copied and just keep it all in a box for "someday". If someday comes, you can then decide between the both of you, who gets what. If someday never comes, then give it to your child.

[belleinblue1978]

Winter,

I was reacting to other posts saying give her copies and stuff.

I am sure you are doing what you can to make sure that she gets what she wants.

Maybe that is all she thinks right now, I guess the important thing, and I think you are doing this, is leaving things open to change.

I'm sorry if my reply was harsh, there is no excuse, the only reason I can give is that the first grandchild since my son was born in our family this week and it has hit me way harder than I thought it would and I just feel very sensitive about everything in my own world right now. Not ok though, and I'm sorry.