[maybe4thtry]

We are hoping to have an open adoption and I saw this post:
Year of Rejection: Tips for a Good Open Adoption

It looked pretty good but I wondered if there were any of you out there who are in an open adoption that had more advice or suggestions?

[theLBs]

One thing I'd add: take advice about open adoptions from people who actually HAVE open adoptions...not from the neighbor down the street whose only experience is through lifetime tv movies.

[Jillie_sweetheart]

No two open adoptions are the same. You don't know what's right for yours until your in it.

[Tigger2]

Jillie is absolutely correct!

[CaddoRose]

I think it really is different for every person and situation. I think maybe one day I will write a book based on our open adoption because we adopted through foster care and we opened the adoption. I know that our DD's parents feel a great deal of saddness because of their loss. She's 4 and we adopted her at 2 yrs old.I'm angry that she lost her family. A huge extended family of Aunts, Uncles, grandparents, cousins and now a full blood sibling are there and we aqre getting to know all of them. She's happy here. At some point she will understand what she as lost. I dread that day.

We try to do what we can to rectify her loss. We include her Mom and Dad in special events and she can talk to them on the phone. We are connected on FB so any pics that I post, they see right away. We don't try to shield them for the day to day craziness that ensues when raising a cild affected by her time in foster care. They are supportive as well in communication.

When we first started to really develop a relationship with her Mom and Dad, I told them that this is a long road. We're just starting out today and there are years ahead. I ahve no idea how it will work out later, but right now we want to make sure that DD knows a few things. We all love her. Her parents did not throw her away. They wanted her and loved her, but someone else decided she would be better off with us. She's a special girl. She has 4 parents! Most kids only have two.

I guess the gist of this is to say that no matter what we want our DD to know that she is loved by everyone and we will do whatever we feel is necessary to make sure she knows.

[rredhead]

Here's one for both sides: Tell the truth!

Even if the truth is "negative", don't lie. You may have to put the truth into age-appropriate messages, but, even if something's difficult, don't flat out lie.

Don't close the adoption at the first sign of difficulty. More for the adoptive parents, I suppose, but birth parents have walked away because of their grief. It's one thing to need some space, but another thing to cut off contact completely.

Treat each other as you would family.

Know that you can't solve the birth family's problems. My son's birthmom is often in difficult situations. We tried to bail her out a couple of times, but she kept making the same choices. We had to step back, and let her make her own mistakes, as well as succeed on her own.

[tobeafamily]

1. Be patient.
2. Remember to be kind to each other.
3. Be respectful.
4. Where you would not make the same choice, do not judge that choice.
5. It's OK when your child is 9 and 10 and 11 and 12 and so on to discuss openly some of the 'negative' stuff. They see it already. It's not OK to discuss it when they're 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and don't know what 'drug addict' is but get that it's bad from your affect.
6. Don't decide when they're that same 2 and 3 and 4 that it's too 'hard' and your child doesn't seem to 'need' their birth parents - or as the birth parent that they don't need you. That's largely true but very temporary. When they're 7 and 8 and 9 and figuring out how they fit in the world then that relationship means so very much more.

[wcurry66]

Great advice so far. Like Caddo, I adopted from foster care. In situations like this (particularly when addiction is involved), firm boundaries are critical

[bromanchik]

I do not agree with #1 for expectant parents. While in an open adoption it is certainly important for adoption to be child-centered, before the adoption, however, expectant parents need to take their feelings and desires to parent into account. Too often, expectant parents are told that their desire to parent is not significant.

[Sunshiny]

I have a "failed" open adoption and my response is from the natural parent point of view. I hope it helps avoid grief for both families down the road. I will advice you on what you should do as you have no control over what the natural parents will do.

1. Honor the agreements you have made. Even when life gets hectic, you are tired, make sure you keep the level of contact your promised.

2. Dig deep in your heart and see if an open adoption is really what you really want.

3. Prepare yourself for the likelihood that your adopted child will make contact with their natural family. If you go in to the adoption knowing this you can prepare and hopefully avoid feelings of insecurities and or rejection when that day arrives. At best you can be a part of something great, or a support if the reunion does not go well.

4. Be a good parent. I don't mean that to sound flip. But the biggest agreement between parents is that you will love your adopted child and treat them well.

[belleinblue1978]

I don't agree with number 4. Sure once is fine, but after that adoptive parents need to work on their issues with bonding and what not on their own.

I am nearly 8 years into a OA and sorry it still hurts whe Kiddo's mom expects me to reaffirm her as a parent. I quit and our OA started to fall apart. It isn't my job to make her feel like a mom, she needs to do that on her own.

[crick]

I wouldn't recommend someone to "follow" a set of rules written by someone who has never experienced an open adoption or hasn't even adopted at all. (at least not that I could see on the blog - so correct me if I'm wrong on that one)

I also wouldn't give these the time of day reading her intro paragraph telling everyone these will all work if they just follow her rules and it's best for everyone. Oi!

Nothing's guaranteed to work and this is a HUGE issue I have with how OA's are presented to both sets of parents. OA's are not some magical pill one swallows and if you just do this and that, viola!! Your life will be easy and perfect. If it were, instead of the usual sunshine, rainbows and rose colored glasses, we'd all be visiting Willy Wonka's land of adoption licking "Perfect Adoption Berry" off the walls. kwim?

That stereotype has GOT to stop. I know how hard people work for their OA's and how much effort goes into it and things like this really diminish that, imo.

I think the best tips for OA's come from those in OA's and not even so much in the way of tips, but sharing what has worked for them and what hasn't worked for them. That way people can see how it might or might not fit in their own lives when considering how they want their OA to be. As a pp said, no two are alike, so it's great to have so many experiences to draw from.

So welcome to the forums and while no one ever agrees with each other here (well, not often), everyone has real perspectives to share and it's important to hear them all. You can really learn a lot by seeing what people go through and hearing their experiences.

Lastly, I really hope this is not your blog. For several reasons, but one being I likely have just offended the heck out of you.

[OakShannon]

Like Caddo and Curry, we adopted through foster care and opened our son's adoption. We are in regular contact with my son's extended family but not his birth parents, so that makes our situation unusual in the land of open adoption. It has been a very positive experience. That doesn't mean it's been simple. I suspect that it is the minority of OA's that are smooth and simple.

I find that there is an inherent power imbalance that complicates things. (Speaking of our own experience.) I think Belle is absolutely right when she says that it is not the biological family's job to validate us as parents. Respect us, yes. But I don't expect my son's family to constantly affirm my role in my son's life. However, I make a point of doing a fair amount of reassuring myself, because I'm the one raising their grandchild/brother/nephew. I'm the one who has control over whether and how much they see him. That dynamic plays a significant part in our relationship.

Once his grandma sent me a text that I didn't see for several hours and then she sent another asking if maybe she had offended me the night before on the phone and apologizing for whatever she might have said to make me angry. I tried to quickly assure her that I just hadn't had my phone turned on. But we're that tenuous.

It also means working very hard at establishing a relationship with people that we really don't have a lot in common with outside of our relationship to D. They are good people. I like them. But we don't share a lot in terms of our lifestyle or interests. So it's work. I suspect we're not alone in that. But I do think that the benefits of having them in our son's life make it more than worth the effort. Also, I am very aware of the tremendous sense of loss they would feel if we decided to stop working at it. I have a responsibility not to cause other people that kind of pain without very compelling reasons.

It's probably like the so-called "rules for a successful marriage" that you read sometimes. They are so broad and obvious that they are not a lot of practical use. Of course, be honest. Keep the commitments you make. Don't promise more than you are willing to deliver. But day-to-day? I think we all have to figure that out for our own OA relationships.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by OakShannon

It also means working very hard at establishing a relationship with people that we really don't have a lot in common with outside of our relationship to D. They are good people. I like them. But we don't share a lot in terms of our lifestyle or interests. So it's work. I suspect we're not alone in that. But I do think that the benefits of having them in our son's life make it more than worth the effort. Also, I am very aware of the tremendous sense of loss they would feel if we decided to stop working at it. I have a responsibility not to cause other people that kind of pain without very compelling reasons.

This is SO true. My Kiddo's mom and I pretty only share him and the fact that we are female in common. It does make things alot more work. We are different people and that is fine, but we don't think the same so the things that bother us aren't the same. Emotions are a big part of that. I sometimes feel like I am in one place and she is an entirely different place when it comes to that. I don't expect people to entirely move on from things while she does. It changes the dynamics of our relationship greatly.

OA is continually a work in progess because people change and because kids grow up. All you can do is work at it and keep it child centered while using common sense. There are times when what appears to be the best for the child, may not be. A good example is that it appears that it would be good for my parents to be involved in visits with Kiddo. My mom and dad are good people and I would love for them to have a face to face relationship with him, but they don't like Kiddo's mom, therefore it wouldn't be a good idea for them to be at visits because that feeling would bleed into the visits.

Ok, I'm probably about as clear as mud here, just saying there is NO one size fits all rule about OA. I just skimmed the blog entry, and if this person hasn't adopted yet, than she is probably not the best to be giving advice. Kind of like someone that has never been married teaching a marriage class, um yeah.....

[Mama2Gia]

Originally Posted by OakShannon

It also means working very hard at establishing a relationship with people that we really don't have a lot in common with outside of our relationship to D. They are good people. I like them. But we don't share a lot in terms of our lifestyle or interests. So it's work. I suspect we're not alone in that. But I do think that the benefits of having them in our son's life make it more than worth the effort. Also, I am very aware of the tremendous sense of loss they would feel if we decided to stop working at it. I have a responsibility not to cause other people that kind of pain without very compelling reasons.

I think this is beautifully put. Chuy's bio family would not be friends of ours if we did not have this amazing little girl binding us together but they present NO reason to stop interaction with them. It is hard on us- the adults only- at this point. Because we do have a relationship with extended family it adds ALOT of people to functions such as birthday parties- LOL, they basically double our guest list! I also felt kinda odd bringing Curly to all the things we do with Chuy's family. It must be so confusing to her that these people are just Chuy's family and not hers. They have been AMAZING with accepting her as part of the family too so an outsider would be hard pressed to tell that she is NOT part of the family. But it was one thing I was looking forward to avoiding if we got to adopt Chuy's biologial sisters- ONE family to do an OA with. Less confusion, less driving, fewer days to plan, fewer people to accommodate at holidays ect. But life hands us what it hands us so we are going to make it work! We are still not sure what the future holds for Curly in terms of adoption and it is never far from my mind.

I agree with those who have said there is no one-size-fits-all OA agreement. I look at my own biological family and know that if someone gave us a recipe book for how to deal with THEM it would fail and they are family I have grown up knowing so add in people cut from a totally different cloth and there is no text book on that relationship. I am ever thankful for new suggestions, ideas and success stories on here though to help shape the OA we are currently in.