[AlabamaMommy]

Ok, I've been posting a lot about our son (15 mo) that we adopted at birth having a bro (2) and a sis (5) that is with bfamily. I have been given a lot of conflicting advice about future contact.

My hubby and I want contact as they get older (we got to spend the day with them Saturday and all 3 had a blast!)

My family is thinking that we should limit contact due to the issues of the bfamily and the way they are being raised. There is a lot of drug use, shoplifting, jail time and use of profanity around the kids. They are afraid that in time, the kids will be a bad influence on our son. These kids have no discipline or structure. Mine will.

The bfamily wants limited contact because they know that my son has a charmed life (they call him Richie Rich) and that the other 2 kids will have a "crapy life" with their bdad once he gets out of jail. (Bfamilys words, not mine). They are afraid that my son will make the other 2 feel inferrior.

Ok, so now what? I love these kids! I want my son to know them. In a perfect world, we would adopt them and let all of them have a good life, but when the bmom died, family decided to keep them until dad could "get out of jail, get clean and get his life together."

So what is the general thought? HELP! I love these kids so much but don't want to do anything to make their lives harder.

Thanks in advance for your help!!!

[wcurry66]

Its a tough call.

One thing that drives me nuts about parenting - people LOVE to arm chair quarterback.

DD sees her brother on an average of once a month. His life is not great. he has issues. He is not being parented in a way i would choose to parent.

OTOH, J loves him. On top of that, its important to her that she has siblings (hard to explain, but she's very adamant that she has brothers she has met.. and my god daughter is her full sister, in her eyes).

She sometimes gets hurt with her brother's roughness.. or the verbal abuse he and her cousins through at each other.

But, imo, its healthier than cutting all ties and having her fantasy version of who they are. Or building up resentment that I kept them away.

That said, I did struggle with this. Her brother has a temper and can be violent. If he crosses a line and intentionally inflicts damage, the plan will be revisited.

Our level of contact is balance between keeping her connection, while minimizing influence on our day to day decisions

good luck making your decision.

[Linny]

First, up front, I"m not a big advocate for contact with bfamily for a variety of reasons. And, in our extended family, this type of thing isn't uncommon so I"m fairly familiar with it`.

Here's what I'm most disturbed by: That the bfamily now calls your son 'Richie Rich'......that's not fair at all...and what's to happen later on? Is your son to feel guilty because he has parents that care, do and want what's best for their child? THAT kind of stuff gets me......and that's one thing I'd be sooo guarded about.

But, right now....I could/would do no more than limited contact. There might be some really rough waters ahead seeming that you already know drugs are involved. You've already mentioned that the bfamily parents differently than yourselves. IF...and I stress, IF this family weren't bfamily....would you be hanging around them a lot?
This is the 10,000 question I always ask: Would you be hanging around with them even then?

-Because making an exception in this because of biology---isn't enough, IMO. Is it worth your child to be exposed to a lesser or greater degree---worth it as time goes on?
Only you can answer that.

I'm glad that you're not being guilted into this by some agency/attorney who lauds the praises of visits, etc.....I'm glad that you're concerned for the sibs simply on their own, KWIM? I"m not saying you shouldn't have contact at all....I think you're planning to have contact regardless...but your question is 'how much', right?

The other side of this is that you can't control the actions and comments of the biologicals.......and that could put a guilt trip on your son as time goes by. It can't be easy; and your care for the other kids must make this even harder. Still, it would seem you could have some contact---but not necessarily a lot of contact, w/o jeopardizing the welfare of your child.

Sincerely,

Linny

[AlabamaMommy]

Have you been talking to my mom?????

No, if they weren't related, I would never let my son "hang out" however he will be in association with people like them at school (probably). I can only teach him what is right and keep him exposed to others with the same parenting/standards as much s possible.

THe "Richie Rich" comment really makes me angry. Yes, we are financially stable and our son is our 1st priority. I make no excuses for that. I have told the biodad that this isn't appropriate, but he doesn't really care.

I will not be guilted into anything, everything I do, I do for my son. If we are not allowed to gain custody, contact will have to be VERY limited because of the differences. I don't want my son to resent me for not allowing contact, but his health and well being are priority ONE. I am keeping a journal with all of this as I go so that when he is older, he can see that we tried to get custody (if we can't) and that what we do is for him.

[DrAmanda]

We want to maintain contact with J's birth siblings too. Right now it is fairly easy because they are only 3years old and 18 months.

I'm afraid I don't have any great advice, but I do understand your desire to maintain contact. I guess the best you can do is limit contact in ways that you can control the environment a bit.

[AlabamaMommy]

Have you been talking to my mom????

The Richie Rich comment really burned me as well. Yes, we are financially stable (thru years of hard work) and our son is priority ONE. But this is wrong on many levels. I will not make excuses to them about our lifestyle.

If these kids were not related, I would never allow my son to associate (outside of school).

I'm not being guilted exactly, but I am concerned about how my son would react if there is no contact. Every choice we make is for our son. I'm keeping a journal of all of this so that when he is older, he will know we tried (if we don't get custody). We are getting a lot of pictures and video for him in case we have to cut of contact.

I may make people mad by saying this, but the grass is always greaner! My brother adopted internationally and he will never have to deal with this exact problem. They adopted 2 boys, brothers, who know they will probably never know more. Sure, they have questions, but not the drama!! But for my son, I will galdy deal with the drama because it is a small price to pay for him!

Thanks for the thougts so far!!! It helps just to talk it out!

[becky]

I agree with limiting contact to the kind you can control. Pick them up and take them to Chuck E Cheese, or swimming, or something for a set couple of hours in a neutral environment. That's what I do, and for now that is all that I am willing to do.

[Hoping2adoptsibs]

I would be extremely upset having my son be called a derogatory name. In that context, it is derogatory. He's only 15 months old and has absolutely no control over anything in his short life and for his bio family already labeling him would get my blood boiling. I'm a very big supporter of keeping kids together or keeping them in touch with family, but I would never let anyone that is family or not call my child a name, especially at 15 months. If they have a chip on their shoulder they are the only ones that can take it off. You can explain to them about it, but they are the ones that have to stop.

I would continue contact, but if it escalates about your son being a have and they are have nots and the children are treating your son badly or differently, I would pull back and reassess the visiting situation. This is only if you can have the children over or out without other family members to plant seeds in their heads about it.

[Mama2Gia]

Originally Posted by Hoping2adoptsibs

I would be extremely upset having my son be called a derogatory name. In that context, it is derogatory. He's only 15 months old and has absolutely no control over anything in his short life and for his bio family already labeling him would get my blood boiling. I'm a very big supporter of keeping kids together or keeping them in touch with family, but I would never let anyone that is family or not call my child a name, especially at 15 months. If they have a chip on their shoulder they are the only ones that can take it off. You can explain to them about it, but they are the ones that have to stop.

I would continue contact, but if it escalates about your son being a have and they are have nots and the children are treating your son badly or differently, I would pull back and reassess the visiting situation. This is only if you can have the children over or out without other family members to plant seeds in their heads about it.

Agree. I think it is so important for the siblings to have contact. Even when the situation is not optimal. I would not chose to hang out with my AD's bio family if they were not her family. I do it for her. For what I believe is her right to know her biological family as long as they present no harm to her. I guess "harm" is up to interpretation. I dislike many of the behaviors of her birth family members. I did my best to be up front about any concerns I had before her adoption was finalized and now things run pretty smoothly.
My daughter's bio sisters are in another foster home. That is a whole different story. We currently have 4 hours a month visitation through the KLG that was recently signed. We haven't started it yet. I DREAD being in contact with the girls guardians. We will make most of our visit time during Mom's visits so we have little contact with them. That's right. I would rather deal with the recovering addict than the "safe, normal" fosters.