[katieb55]

I posted this on the adoptees page also to get their perspective. Any insight from aparents would be appreciated!

Hi there,

I am really struggling with something and I am hoping that someone can help. I am an adoptive mom of an 11 yr. old girl. She was adopted at birth and she is very close to both my husband and I and her sister, who is also adopted. In the past couple of years, she has started to cry periodically about missing her bmom and wanting to know what she looks like, etc. I know that this is very normal and we have always tried to be understanding and loving about her questions. We have told her that when she is 18 she can try and find her bmom and meet her. The problem is that she wants to meet her NOW. She keeps asking why she can't meet her now and that she doesn't want to wait.

The other side of this is that altough the adoption wasn't closed, it wasn't open either and both parties agreed to that in the beginning. We know where the birthmother is and send her pictures and letters regularly, unbeknownst to my 11 yr. old. I know that the birthmother wants contact with our daughter even though in the beginning she did not. The bmom never married and has no other children and she has made it clear that she pines for the one she gave away.

In the meantime, I feel like I am living a lie. I am telling my daughter that she can find her bmom someday (because I want her to wait until she is 18) and all the while I send the bmom photos and letters a couple of times per yr.

You might be wondering "If your daughter needs it and the bmom is fine with it, why don't you just let them meet or at least just show her a picture to satisfy some of the curiosity?"

Well, the reason is that knowing my daughter as we do, my husband and I both feel like showing our dd the only photo we have of the bmom will only make her want to meet her more. If we did arrange for them to meet, I know that the bmom would be all too happy to jump in and be her new bff. I am okay with communication of course, but I do not trust the bmom 100% to respect our boundaries as parents. PLUS, when she is a teen, do I need her contacting her bmom to complain about how mean and horrible we are (what teen doesn't hate their parents at some point in those years??).

In addition, I do not need a teenager telling me the advice her bmom gave to her regarding a sitution...especially if it goes against what we are saying as parents. Bottom line, we just think it will open up a pandora's box of strife for all of us. When she is
18, we have raised her and she will be able to navigate through her emotions better regarding adoption. At that point, I would fully support her meeting her bmom and so would my husband.

My plan is to continue to tell our dd that we understand, love her no matter what and then when she does reunite with the bmom as an older teen, tell her that we have sent pictures all these years and ask for her understanding about this. All I can hope for is that she understands this. I hate seeing my daughter suffer when she cries about not knowing her bmom (which happens every few months or so) and I feel selfish for not wanting anyone else to interfere with the me and my husband raising her.

Any thoughts?? I feel as if I am standing in the way of two people who want to meet each other, but then I feel like "What about me and my feelings? This baby was given to me for me and my husband to be her parents..so why can't it just be us for 18 yrs and then she can reconnect with her bmom??"

Any insight as to what an adoptee feels or any other advice would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. Our other daughter is a toddler, so that is why this isn't an issue with her as yet.

Thank you

[Fran27]

I'd let them have contact now... if she's really unhappy about it at 11, it will be even worse in the next couple years. That she wants contact now doesn't mean that she won't love you anymore or any of that stuff.. but it would let her go through puberty without that additional 'baggage'.

Just IMO...

[Mama2Gia]

What a tough situation. I totally understand your concerns. They are very valid in my opinion. But if you want an opinion, here is mine- find a way to make it work. Discuss with your husband what your ground rules would be. Maybe exchanging some pictures and letters that she (and birth mom) understands will be monitored by you and your husband. Maybe a meeting between you and birth mom to discuss your concerns and to explain you want what is best for your daughter and that you all need to be on the samepage to take this next step. If you do come to the conclusion that you will permit contact let both your daughter and her birth mom know that it is contingent upon respect for your relationship with your daughter. That you are the parent.

I only worry that the way you want to go about it will backfire. That she will be extremely upset to find out her birth mom wanted contact (and got it to some degree-at least more than your daughter did) and the only thing standing in the way was you and your husband and what YOU wanted. I am not saying she is right or that you are wrong but at 18 she will be a legal adult but still just a teenager and who knows what she will think. How she will process all that info.

I am very in support of healthy contact with birth family but I do understand the negative aspects of it. I know how hard it is with a young child and I am very very nervous about what the teen years will bring but I feel it is what is in my daughter's best interest so we will all weAther it together.
Good luck with your decision. It is such a difficult one to make!!

[DrAmanda]

I can only imagine the range of emotions that you are experiencing.

FWIW- We really wanted an open adoption. One of the main reasons is because I did NOT want to feel like I was living a lie with my son. I wanted him to know the whole situation and be able to know his birth family.

You are the parent no matter what and you can set boundaries where they are needed. If I were you, I would allow the contact, but only when you are present at this age or until you have navigated the relationship a bit more.

Good luck no matter what you choose. The thing about her complaining about you to her b-mom is that she is going to complain about you to someone when she is a teenager anyway. I used to call my aunt (mom's sister) to complain about my mom. You have to figure out why complaining to a b-mom would be any worse than complaining to an aunt, grandma, friend's mom, etc.

It is a tricky relationship to manage to be sure. We are only 7 months into our open adoption and we've had some awkward moments arise. It has just always been really important to me to be honest and to never have to set myself up to NEED to apologize to my son when he is older.

[KLL08]

I'm an adoptive Mom of a 3 yo daughter in an open adoption...so we are obviously in different circumstances, so take my thoughts or leave them
I love our open adoption, but it's been this way from the beginning, our daughter's firstmom is VERY supportive of us as S's parents. She's also told us several times that she is confident she made the right decision for S, and she is happy with S being with us and us as her parents. So I've never felt like she would be anything but supportive of our parenting decisions. If I felt like she would undermine us, it would be hard to continue contact. I can understand wanting to wait until you are through the teen years for the contact to start. I can honestly see both sides here. Such a tough decision!!

[usisarah]

I'm not an adoptive parent, so take this with a grain of salt.

But if you do decide to start some contact, could you start with two way updates? You already send bmom updates on your daughter (it seems like she's old enough to know this is going on by the way...I would feel a little weird in your shoes if my daughter didn't know I was sending updates). Can you ask bmom to start sending you some letters, with the understanding that you'd like to share the letters with your daughter? You can start that way and see how it goes. At 11yrs old, I would feel it's appropriate to be screening any correspondance from an adult to your daughter...at least until a healthy relationship is established. This way you can keep track of what's going on and if/when you want to develop the relationship further, you can.

You may also want to post on the birth parent board. I think there are women here whose adoptions were opened up when their children were older like your daughter...they may be able to give you insight too.

[faliviking]

I would start by showing the picture and open up about the adoption. Tell her that you have some contact and tell her that the birthmom loves her and also wants contact, eventually. When the time is right for everyone. I know where you are because I have a nine year old who very much would like contact. We have a very open adoption with her sister's birthfamily, but not with hers. And it isn't "fair" but all situations aren't the same. I'd prefer to wait until she is 18 too, but it's not really about me. I think she will complain a lot less in the future (teen years) if I listen to her needs and allow her to meet her birthmom. It doesn't mean that there won't be boundaries. I will still be there, and not allow contact without my knowledge, at least not yet. But I think it will happen in the next few years. Maybe it will stop her curiosity and not even want to see her again. Reality isn't quite as great as our imagination. Maybe they won't connect at all, and never feel comfortable confiding in her. Good luck! I really wish you the best!

[ruth74]

I also have a semi-open adoption (one-way updates) with my son's bparents, although he is quite a bit younger. I think, like some PP's have said, that I would feel very uncomfortable with having ongoing communication with my son's bfamily without him knowing once he is old enough to understand. I wonder if some of your daughter's curiosity may be fueled by that - in many ways there is a big gaping hole of knowledge where her bfamily is concerned. In my experience with kids, anything they can't have (for whatever reason) holds much more attraction than it would if it were available.

I am worried that you are setting yourself up for problems later on with the way you are approaching the situation. One pp mentioned that your daughter will likely be upset with you at 18 if you are not honest with her about ongoing contact, and pointed to her being at that point legally adult but emotionally still a teen. I would be upset now, at 38, if I found out my mother had lied to me for my entire childhood about not having contact about me with someone so important. What contact you allow, and under what circumstances, is obviously up to you as the parent, but I think you owe it to your child and yourself to be open and honest with her about the updates. Letting her have a part in those, so that she can tell her bmom what she wants her to know, could be a great first step, even if it is the only one you take before she turns 18.

Originally Posted by katieb55

why can't it just be us for 18 yrs and then she can reconnect with her bmom??

I wanted to respond to this part specifically because it struck such a cord in me. I really wish my adoption was more open than it is, and I hope that someday my son's bparents move to the place where your daughter's bmom is and want more contact. I've had a lot of people be really surprised by that and ask why I would want to "share" him with them. The way I see it is that it's never "just us for 18 years" even with a bio kid. There are other people in my life who love my kid, and I "share" him with them. I don't really see a huge difference between that and his bfamily loving him. I wouldn't want a younger child to have a relationship with any adult that was separate from me having a relationship with them. That's just responsible parenting. But your daughter having a relationship with her bmom doesn't take away from her relationship with you; it just expands the circle of family you share.

I don't want in any way to denigrate your concerns. I think that they are valid, but they are about your emotions, not hers. If you have concerns about safety or well-being, that is something different and something you will need to take into account when you determine the amount and type of contact. It may help you to talk to someone (counselor, religious leader, wise friend, etc) with some knowledge of adoption who can help you separate out what is about your emotions and what is about your daughter and her needs.

[OakShannon]

I really agree with Mama2Gia, both about establishing good ground rules for contact and about the concern that what you are doing now might backfire.

Above all, I think it's important that we be honest with our kids. At some point, your daughter will know that all along you had contact with her birth mother and did not let her know that. That could do some damage to your relationship. If you choose not to allow her to meet her birthmother now, I think you at least need to let her know that YOU have contact with her and will allow your daughter to meet her when she's older.

But right now, she's only 11 and at an age where you can set ground rules and insist on being present when they meet. Discussing it with her birthmom ahead of time and letting her know what your concerns are and what you are comfortable with in terms of contact is definitely where you should start if you decide to go that route. At 11, your daughter can't be BFF's with another adult unless you allow a lot of contact when you are not present. And if you felt that her birthmom really was undermining your parenting, you would have every right to limit that contact and make sure you were always present.

I agree with Ruth that is never really just us and our kids for those 18 years. Not only do we share our kids with other adults along the way, but our (adopted) kids in particular are going to have a lot of feelings and questions about their birth families whether we have an open adoption or not.

[HappyTwinsMom]

My daughters are almost 11 and one of them is expressing an increased interest in her birth mom and the story of her adoption. Just yesterday, she asked if she would "ever get to see C." We live far apart and have contact through phone calls, email and snail mail at this time. The girls haven't seen C since they were 3 1/2 - and don't really remember the visit.

My husband and I both feel that any relationship with their birth mother is theirs, not ours. We can set boundaries, but we can't (and won't) deny them contact or the ability to develop a relationship.

My girls both know that we send C pictures and letters periodically. In fact, they have input into what pictures they want her to have. In my opinion, it's wrong to have contact with your daughter's birth mom without your daughter's knowledge. She will likely be very angry at 18 when she's told that you'd been sending pictures all this time. Pictures of her, particularly as she gets older, are about *her* - not you - and she should know that they're being shared. I would hate it if someone sent another person a picture of me without telling me or asking my permission.

So, for whatever it's worth to you, I would suggest you facilitate some kind of contact between your daughter and her birth mother - and that you involve your daughter in the contact that's currently in place.

Good luck!

[JustPeachy]

When she is
18, we have raised her and she will be able to navigate through her emotions better regarding adoption. At that point, I would fully support her meeting her bmom and so would my husband.

This part of your post jumped out at me. Given the doubts, fears and concerns you currently have about your daughter knowing her birth mom, it may not be so easy for you, even when your daughter is 18, to fully support her. It might be a very good thing for you and your husband to get comfortable with your daughter having some sort of relationship now (even if it is semi-open through an intermediary). My guess is by doing so it will alleviate your fears so that by the time your daughter is 18, it will not be such a big deal. You have to remember that you set the limits and boundaries of the relationship. Your post sounds like you feel you have no control over the situation, when in fact, you really do. I think I would ask your daughters birth mom how she would feel about opening things up more, taking it slowly at first, and progressing from there. Express your concerns to her and make it clear what your boundaries would be. I really think at the very least, your daughter needs to know you are sending updates and she should see the picture of her birth mom.

[CRAZY_WOMAN]

I would let them have contact,as long as the mothers not crazy.U diffently should give a pic of her mom to her,if u have one,like u stated.If she find out,that u have been in contact,she not going to get,why your not letting her have contact.

[portlowski]

I think you have received very good advice here. I agree that 1) acknowledging the limited contact you have with the bmom is important so your daughter will not be angry at you later for withholding the whole truth and 2) that 2 way contact via pictures and letters with strong boundaries in place would be a great way to start.

but I also want to add how some openness might benefit YOU. My situation is quite different because we have had an open adoption since my son was born (he is only 5 so it's still pretty "easy"). But I feel that developing a relationship with my son's birthmom has allowed his birthmom and me to feel like we are not rivals, but more like in-laws, unrelated people who share a the love of a common person. I feel that my son will not "abandon" me for her when he is 18, although he may very choose to spend more time with her as he gets older. Developing a relationship with my son and his birth mother while he is still young means that I don't fear the day that they meet. My son does not have a fantasy version of his birthmom in his head (don't get me wrong, she is young and fun and great, but she is REAL, and she has promised to respect me as the parent, so I know that she will back me up). It also means that his birth mom has had a chance to see our son call me mom. She has had a chance to process some of the difficult aspects of relinquishment. There will be no reunion honeymoon between my son and his birth mom, although I recognize that their relationship could grow much closer over time (or not). These are the benefit o OA for me as an adoptive parent. I realize that your situation might be different and maybe it still won't feel right for you to open contact. But in my case I actually feel relieved that we have "front loaded" some of the emotional issues of reunion by having openness early on.

[carmen90]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

This part of your post jumped out at me. Given the doubts, fears and concerns you currently have about your daughter knowing her birth mom, it may not be so easy for you, even when your daughter is 18, to fully support her. It might be a very good thing for you and your husband to get comfortable with your daughter having some sort of relationship now (even if it is semi-open through an intermediary). My guess is by doing so it will alleviate your fears so that by the time your daughter is 18, it will not be such a big deal. You have to remember that you set the limits and boundaries of the relationship. Your post sounds like you feel you have no control over the situation, when in fact, you really do. I think I would ask your daughters birth mom how she would feel about opening things up more, taking it slowly at first, and progressing from there. Express your concerns to her and make it clear what your boundaries would be. I really think at the very least, your daughter needs to know you are sending updates and she should see the picture of her birth mom.

I think this is great advice Right now you have the opportunity to help your daughter build a positive relationship with her birthmum. If you wait until she turns 18, you no longer have the right to look at letters her birthmum sends and so on. If her birthmum really is not 100% supportive, this would probably show in her letters, and as your daughter is still 11 you would have the time to work through that and talk to your daughter about it. If you wait until 18 her birthmum could say anything she liked unbeknownst to you, and you don't now how your DD might react to that. That's not to say you totally control the relationship between the two of them - but you know your DD is in a warm supportive home environment right now, where she is safe to explore her emotions. Will the same hold true at 18, especially if she's gone off to university? Your concerns are valid, and that's why now is a better time to address it.

I maintain letter (with photo) contact with DD2 and DS mum and DS at age 7 is able to clearly say what he wants in the letters, and picks out photos to send. Whatever happens now, I do think you need to tell your daughter about the letter contact you have. At the end of the day, she is the only person who is related to her birthmum and the point of open adoption is to help develop postive relationships with their birth families, and help develop positive understanding of their story. At 11 she has the right to decide what she wants her birthmum to know about her, and what she wants kept private. I think this is the biggest area where you could potentially cause a lot of hurt. My DD2 and DS will not let me say certain things in my/their letters, so I don't. I always respect their wishes and I think it's really important they have the right to decide what their own relationship with their mum looks like. Likewise there are some things they do really want her to know, and they gain a lot of peace of mind knowing that she knows how they feel. Suddenly springing on your daughter at 18 that you had contact all along could make her very angry and upset and she may well say (rightly IMHO) that she should have been the one to decide what was said and when.

I know this is a difficult situation, and contact can be very complex to work out. Good luck

[crick]

I agree with those that suggest you ask bmom to start sending pics & updates of her and her life. Then you can decide how much you want to share with your dd and how far to open the door right now.

Your dd really does need to know that you send updates/pics. I know my dd at age 14 would be completely and thoroughly hacked off if I kept that from her. lol. Best to tell her now before puberty sets in as that also coincides with their feelings about meeting bmom or just their adoption in general. (not all adoptees, but I think for girls especially)

I don't think you have to have a completely open adoption if that's not what you support. However, if your dd is really pushing for this and has been consistently pushing for it, then it seems she really needs it. I think it's important to listen to her and find out what exactly it is she wants. It may be that a picture of bmom will suffice or a letter of details about her. Direct contact is definitely your choice and your right, so you set that boundary.