[iluaj]

This is my first time posting on here. Our story is different. On 1/6/10 we adopted a beautiful baby girl. She has had lots of medical problems in the past but is doing really good now. We have an open adoption but we don't see the birthmother a lot. She really only keeps in contact with us because she wants to talk to me. She has forgotten how old our daughter is and even her name(which is hard on me because she named her). She is a troubled young lady. She left home right after my daughter was born because her father hurt her and the cops had to get involved. July of 10/10 she joined a traveling carnival. She got pregnant again 11/10 by some guy, but ended up losing the baby. Then called me back on 3/11 to tell me that she was pregnant again. She was so in love and had so many hopes for this baby. Then in 9/11 she got into a fight and went into premature labor. Her daughter had to stay in the hospital for months fighting for her life. She finally got out and they went back to his families house. She called me crying one day telling me that he was getting kicked out of the house and that they weren't letting her take her daughter. I told her to call the police and i guess when the police got there she said that if she has to leave without her baby she will kill herself. So the police took her to a mental hospital. In the mental hospital she found out that she was pregnant again. She called me everyday while she was there. The social worker called me to see what i knew about her. I told her what i knew and she told me that there was no way that they were ever going to allow her to have her kid because she was so mentally unstable. (the father is just as bad, the baby girl is on a breathing machine and a heart monitor and he smokes pot and cigarettes in front of her and plus he would hurt the birthmother all the time) On 12/23/11 she called to see if my husband and i wanted to adopt the baby she was so caring. We said yes because we knew that we wanted more kids and to have it be a half sibling of our daughters would be even better. So here is where it starts getting stressful. since the day we found out that she wanted us to adopt this baby, she has called me every single day (2 or 3 times a day) I have had to talk her out of hurting herself so many times. She has lived on the streets for most of last month and wouldn't let us help her. She has had 5 boyfriends in the last 4 weeks. She falls in love the minute A guy says hi to her. A few weeks ago she called me at midnight to tell us that she has decided to let us sign the birth certificate because we are the real parents not her (which isn't illegal but she refused to believe me). Last week she called the social worker to tell her that she was coming to take her baby back and the social worker said well you have the right to do that but we just filed papers against you, so that the birthfather could get full custody. The birthmother went off on this lady. It was bad i guess. Well last Thursday she called me and telling me that she can't wait for this baby to be born so our daughter can have a sibling. So i told her that we were sending the money off to start the process then. She said good, but i wish that i could just give this baby to you, so you could save your money. So we sent off the $3700.00(non refundable) Monday. Saturday she called and tell me that she decided that she wants to keep the baby because she wants a little girl (she thinks that its another girl) to dress up and do her hair. (good reason to be a mom right) Today she called me to see if we were still coming up there at the end of this month to see what the baby will be, because we will always be the babies parents even though she isn't with us. I WAS LIKE WHAT!!!! Then she called a little later to tell me that she is going away with the carnival again and that she is going to raise the baby on the road, then two minutes later it was she is moving in with a guy that she met online . She just has to clean and make him supper and her and the baby can live there for free. Then it turned into her boyfriend of three years (but they had never met until last week) was going to buy a house for her and the baby so that they could be a family. She is so mixed up and changes her mind every minute. She has no clue what it is to be a parent. She isn't worried about where she is going to get food and clothes for the baby the state will take care of that for her. Everyone keeps telling us that we need to just sit back and wait, she will call us again and ask us to take the baby. I don't know if I can talk to her every day knowing how messed up she is. What would you do if you were in our shoes?

[iluaj]

What I want to know is would you just sit back and keep talking to her just like the adoption was going through or would you just cut off all ties. I am just so afraid that we will make the wrong choice. I seriously want the best for her and would help her in anyway because she gave me the greatest gift two years ago but my heart is hurts so bad.

[momof6maybemore]

You already have a relationship with her. You always will since she is your childs birth mother. I say continue on wth the process of adoption and wait and see what she decides in the end. This sounds like a very troubled girl. I would not cut her off. I would start thinking of some boundaries that you would like to put in place in the relationship. Given her instability and mental health I doubt she will be able to abide by any boundaries but you can set boundaries for yourself so that you aren't overwelmed by the relationship. You can choose to ignore certian phone calls before or after a certian time. You can be a support to her and offer love and encouragement without worrying about trying to figure out ways to fix her or solve her issues. Just continue building a relationship with her as a safe zone that she can always come back to.

[iluaj]

I am really afraid that the baby will get taken away since she has given one up for adoption and the other one her rights are getting terminated. Our lawyer says that MN has very strict rules and the baby could end up in foster care and then we would have no chance of getting the baby. I found a home that would help her get her GED, her drivers license, counseling and any other help she might need. But her dad talked her out of it telling her that they would have rules for her and that she wouldn't like that. (he just doesn't want her to talk about what he did to her). I will keep just being there for her and hopefully we can help her like she helped our family. Thank you for responding to me, I am very scared and really don't have anyone to talk to since i don't know anyone that has ever adopted.

[pwheatle]

when is the baby due?

[wcurry66]

Originally Posted by iluaj

I am really afraid that the baby will get taken away since she has given one up for adoption and the other one her rights are getting terminated. Our lawyer says that MN has very strict rules and the baby could end up in foster care and then we would have no chance of getting the baby. I found a home that would help her get her GED, her drivers license, counseling and any other help she might need. But her dad talked her out of it telling her that they would have rules for her and that she wouldn't like that. (he just doesn't want her to talk about what he did to her). I will keep just being there for her and hopefully we can help her like she helped our family. Thank you for responding to me, I am very scared and really don't have anyone to talk to since i don't know anyone that has ever adopted.

Is your lawyer one that specializes in adoption? Should the child end up in foster care, can't you apply to be a kinship resource?

[DrAmanda]

That is a tough situation. If I were you, I would have to tell her that I still know that she has every right to keep this baby if she so chooses. I would say that I know that the baby is not officially mine until she signs the papers to terminate her rights (not to mention the bio-father needs to sign) and I don't want to get my hopes too high if she is not really sure about placing. Perhaps she needs that in writing (email or text) since she seems to be forgetful.

FWIW- J's b-mom has some memory issues too, and I've started typing out messages on FB to her about more important things so that she doesn't just forget them.

[iluaj]

Thank you all so much, I called my lawyer today and we are waiting for her to call us back. We have about 6 months until the baby will be born. birthmom called me again last night and was talking about all the things the state is going to give her when she has this baby and all the boys that love her that she is meeting online. It kills me to hear her talk about the baby. She has no clue. She wants me at all her appointment and in the delivery room BECAUSE THIS IS MY BABY to even though she is going to live with birthmom. I felt bad because i start to cry and she goes ohhhhh Im so glad that your excited. I couldnt say no its because you have no clue. This is goingto be a long few months.

[viannqueen]

Okay you have GOT TO explain how devastated you are about this. You just cannot go through the next six months and allow her to have that idea in her head that she's raising "your" child. You might have to repeat yourself several different occasions even. Love her and support her and do what you have to but you've got to tell her!

I'd imagine you are almost more of a role model to her at this point and I also wouldn't be surprised if once the realities of parenthood hit that she might make other plans... hopefully which involve your family. I'd hang in there but do what you need to regarding contact to keep your sanity going. Our daughters birthmom was young and dealing with the constant drama was exhausting!