[BookishMom70]

We are currently matched with an emom due in late April. We have a wonderful 6 year old DD. We had a failed match last year and she was very disappointed. Honestly, it was the worst part of the failed match and she still bring up the emom and her 'broken promise' every once in a while. With the failed match, she overheard me get the call from the agency about being chosen, so I never really got to 'decide' when to tell her.

With this match (which feels so much better, stable, and natural than the first) we were more cautious. We no longer answer phone calls from our agency in the same room as DD . We've been matched for a few weeks and she has no idea. She is aware that we are still waiting for OUR baby and that we may find out about the baby a few months before it's born and have to wait or we may get a phone call about a baby that's already born and needs a family to take care of it. Right now I feel like I don't want to tell her anything until TPR is signed.

My question is, when did you tell your kids about a match? Did anyone wait until TPR was signed? If so, how much of a shock was that for your kids when all of the sudden there's a new baby? Which do you think is best: telling her and risking disappointment or waiting and risking shock?

[usisarah]

With two failed matches behind us, if we were to do a newborn adoption, I wouldn't tell DD until baby TPR was done and revocation period over. Of course that means we couldn't say yes to some situations, but that's what I'd have to do for my family.

There would be issues, I'm sure, with bringing home a baby out of the blue, but for me, those issues would be far less significant than seeing her go through another failed placement.

[Nevada Jen]

I would wait until you get the call that the baby is born and tell her you just had a call about a baby that might be yours. That way she does not get attached to a specific baby and emom but has a little bit of time to adjust before the baby comes home.

[NSB]

We had a devastating adoption loss, but when our SW called and said she had good news, without even thinking about it, I said "Just a minute, I want to put you on speaker phone!" The girls and I got the good news together and we told DH after work I think if I can't believe in the process, I wouldn't try and adopt. But since what happened last time, we all continued to remind ourselves of the uncertainty by saying "IF we get to bring the baby home from the hospital..." and once the baby was home with us but before the 30 day revocation period was over "IF we get to keep the baby..." That worked really, really, well for us. We all got to be excited and anticipate the arrival of the baby, but also tried to keep reality in check. At the time our girls were almost 7 and 9.
HTH!

[LauraLiz]

Having been through a failed placement (baby home) and a failed transition I would say wait. Wait until you are sure as you can be before you tell. Should it fall apart, spare their hearts.