[DrAmanda]

Have you seen This article?

I could add a few to the list.

[ARoseByAnyName]

Hadn't seen this article specifically, but I've heard a few of those comments and seen most of them discussed here! I liked the responses the author posed, though. She had a way of being blunt but educating, with just a touch of snark when necessary. Me, I tend to stare at people with a dumbfounded look when I get these comments. Perhaps I should start rehearsing my responses...

[onetwothreefourfive]

I think #8 only applies to Angelina Jolie.

[millie58]

onetwothreefourfive: why would that apply to Angelina Jolie?

[NSB]

Originally Posted by millie58

onetwothreefourfive: why would that apply to Angelina Jolie?

I was wondering the same.

[Mommy2NoneHopefully1]

I don't think Angelina Jolie adopted her children because they are accessories or chic. She is actually a huge humanitarian that donates countless dollars & time to charities whether one agrees with her lifestyle or not. She donates a third of her income to philantropic causes all over the world. Beyond just sending money she also spends time seeing first hand the causes she supports. I believe she has adopted her children based on a calling or connection to their home country as so many people across the world have, not because they look "exotic" & I think its kinda insulting to insinuate otherwise because she is famous.

[KarenInCa]

There were a couple of them that I did not/do not take offense to. For instance, a Chinese person talking to her in Chinese. DD is Chinese American, and knows very little Chinese, but I find it endearing when an elderly Chinese American woman says something to her in Chinese. It's a form of acceptance in the Chinese community for her. DD seems to like it as well, and has learned a few things along the way.

To add to the list, however;

-"Wouldn't it be horrible to be adopted and never know who your parents are?" (said by none other than my own mom-DDs grandmother-in front of her, while watching a documentary about Steve Jobs). It was innocently said. And my mother apologized, saying that she has incorporated DD into her life so well, that she doesn't even think of her as adopted. Yes. It is sad for adopted children if they do not know who their B-PARENTS are. But, please be ever aware that it hurts more, if you bring it up in front of her in such an insensitive way. You never know WHO is adopted, so always assume someone around you is.

-"Did she speak Chinese when you adopted her, at 16 months old?" Really? Did your baby speak English when he was a young toddler? That question makes me feel as if the person asking is passing judgement, as if I not only took her from her Mother Land but also deprived her of a language she already knew.

-"Are you adopting her 'real' sister?" Yep. We are adopting her "REAL" sister. They will most likely not have a biological connection but they will be as real as your kids.

-"What are you doing to keep her Chinese culture?" I understand the concept of this one, but it's really nosey. Do I ask you (AA woman), if your elementary school kids are in African dance classes? Do I ask you, (German descendant), if your kids are in German class for 4 or 5 hours every Saturday? Do I ask you, (Mexican American mother), if you are insisting that your kids are in bilingual or emergent classes, and if you are spending 3 or 4 hours a week, to properly educate your children about Hispanic culture? Or are you just taking May 5th off work every year to spend it with family with a huge barbeque in the backyard? Nope. I don't grill other parents who have not adopted their children, about the cultural education of their children. If they choose not to incorporate these time consuming interests into their schedules, I don't assume they are bad parents. However, by them asking me if I do, obviously asked because we're raising a transracial child, I feel as if I'm already being judged as a FAILED parent if I do not answer that as..."Yes indeed. We're spending every Saturday, driving her to Chinese School, and spending 4 hours every Saturday in a very structured climate, so she can learn how to write in Chinese, and learn how to dance traditional Chinese". I get the importance of keeping her culture in tact. I get it. Probably MORE than non-adoptive parents get it. But it's really MY business if I choose to do it or not, and I am NOT a bad parent if I choose not to.

[KarenInCa]

Originally Posted by onetwothreefourfive

I think #8 only applies to Angelina Jolie.

I understand why you would say that, just looking in at the family, and seeing a "sampling" of so many cultures in the children they've adopted.

However, really...think about it. No matter where the children are adopted from, they all poop and sometimes explode outside the diapers...in public, they all throw tantrums, they all get sick and vomit...sometimes on their parents, they all fight with their siblings, they all cause sleep deprivation and can drive their parents crazy, they all need love and acceptance and patience.

Someone can look at Jolie and say she just wants exotic babies...but being a parent 'aint no' picnic, no matter how it might look on the outside. And after adopting her first child, then wanting to still adopt more, she obviously knew she was in it for the long haul.

[GATI]

Karen, at least in my group of friends growing up (Bay Area, CA) Chinese school was a right of passage. Everyone asks that because they immediately have a bond and want to commiserate about losing their precious Saturday mornings growing up! Hopefully it's not meant as judgy, but rather as a "cool, I get that..." kind of thing!

[LauraLiz]

We don't get as many comments as others do because both of our kiddos look a great deal like us. DS actually looks very similar to the baby pictures of my dad.

The one that bugs me is the, "He is so lucky."
Really? I have no solid interpretation other than I know it is supposed to be a compliment to us as parents. I chalk it up to being ignorant of adoption and what is involved. Usually the person is meaning it as a nice sentiment.

I always respond, "I'm the lucky one." and leave it at that.

[KarenInCa]

Originally Posted by GATI

Karen, at least in my group of friends growing up (Bay Area, CA) Chinese school was a right of passage. Everyone asks that because they immediately have a bond and want to commiserate about losing their precious Saturday mornings growing up! Hopefully it's not meant as judgy, but rather as a "cool, I get that..." kind of thing!

Gati-Im also in CA, Sacramento area, with a high Chinese American community. But, when we get this kind of question, it's not asked by other Chinese Americans....it's usually asked by CC or AA friends, who do not have their own children attending Chinese School, or anything else to keep their own African or European cultures alive in their children.
We have a lot of Chinese American friends, and if they ask anything, it's more like, "We're going to do XYZ (Chinese event or class) would your family/your daughter like to join in? Oddly, the Chinese American friends/acquaintances we have do not question us about culture as our non-Chinese American friends/acquaintances do.

[DDAmasa]

The one that bugs me is the, "He is so lucky."

This is actually the one I don't understand. My son is one of the lucky ones. Why is it wrong to acknowledge that? I want him to understand and appreciate how fortunate he is. Am I suppose to pretend he's be just as well off in a third world orphanage and his biological mom and I didn't save him from that?

[gracegirl]

This is quite petty, but I've had several people comment on the fact that my husband and I are adopting a 3-year-old (instead of/before)having a bio). Everything from "Wow, jumping right in to the parenting thing, huh?" to "Does that make you want to have a baby?" (from a friend who just gave birth. I wanted to ask if having a baby made her wish she had a toddler). My dear mother in law has also made several pity-you remarks like "Well, you haven't had him since he was a baby" (so of course I don't know what I'm doing -is the context.) Thanks for the pity, but I actually have tons of experience caring for toddlers and I feel perfectly capable of parenting my child.

oops. Sorry for the rant.

[MomAt41]

The one that bugs me is the, "He is so lucky."

Originally Posted by DDAmasa

This is actually the one I don't understand. My son is one of the lucky ones. Why is it wrong to acknowledge that? I want him to understand and appreciate how fortunate he is. Am I suppose to pretend he's be just as well off in a third world orphanage and his biological mom and I didn't save him from that?

The "he is so lucky" one bugs me too. I wouldn't say offends me -- I'm slow to offend and believe that people, in general, are offended WAY too easily nowadays. It just "rubs me wrong" somehow, probably because I want the people who say it to understand just how wrong they really are. I wanted a baby *SO* badly, for SO long -- I've wanted to be a mom since I was 9 years old!

Adopting J from birth, when I was 41, was absolutely a dream come true. *I* am the lucky one -- not him. If I hadn't adopted him, countless other families would have jumped at the chance. To have this precious child with me -- to be a MOM -- for God to entrust ME with this most precious of all possible gifts -- *I* am eternally grateful and immeasurably lucky.

I did not save my son. My son has given me my greatest dream and my truest purpose. Those who say that he is so lucky that I adopted him (and him being AA does have something to do with them feeling that he's lucky in this regard) is just SO off-base. I don't mean that negatively towards those who say it, at all -- they have no way of knowing what the reality truly is. But that comment just bothers me, because it's SO INCORRECT!

I just want to jump in and explain the situation to them. But I don't -- I do what a pp said -- I just say "I'm the lucky one", and leave it at that.

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by DDAmasa

This is actually the one I don't understand. My son is one of the lucky ones. Why is it wrong to acknowledge that? I want him to understand and appreciate how fortunate he is. Am I suppose to pretend he's be just as well off in a third world orphanage and his biological mom and I didn't save him from that?

I didn't adopt my son from a developing country. I did adopt him through the foster care system. I suppose I could say that too - he's lucky because he's better off in our family than growing up in foster care or in poverty with a parent who had serious issues.

But I really don't look at it like that. I was born into a middle class family that was prepared to care for me. I didn't lose my biological family at birth. Aren't I the lucky one? I don't think my son (or yours from the sound of it) were particularly fortunate in terms of their circumstances at birth. I'm not saying I want my son to grow up feeling sorry for himself. He is fortunate in many respects. Fortunate in the same ways his friends are to be growing up in a comfortable, nurturing home with all of his needs met - adopted or not. Many children around the world don't get that. But I don't think my son has any more reason to feel lucky or grateful than a child who was not adopted because things could have gone another way for him.

I'm lucky. I'm lucky to be his mother. He is my heart's greatest joy.