[Jeca]

I can't believe that after having the kids for 5 months with the intent to adopt (and before us they were in another fostercare home) that the grandmother is now stepping up to claim them with only 1 month to the TPR.!!!She had never made attempts to see the kids until this last month. The dad is abusive and we believe he is bulling grandma into taking the kids.
I don't know if there is anything we can do! The county says it's in the best interest for the kids to stay with us. The kids attorney believes they should be placed with family.
The kids came to us with a flat affect, starving for attention and not responsive. Now they are happy, generally smiling and have bonded with us. Just thinking of them having to go through change even through they are little and eventually could ajust makes my heart want to break.
It scares me to think of the enviroment they would be in. Grandmother had a previos homestudy that did not get approved primarily because she had people living with her that refused to get fingerprinted. She has now kicked them out and got approved but who is to say that she will not let them back in once the county is out of her hair. THere is a history of drugs and abuse with most of the relatives even through grandma is clean. Dad will not get custody but he will be around the kids.
According to social working in the end it's up to
Grandmother to decide if she thinks it's in the best interest of the kids to come with us since they currently can't find anything at fault with her.
I was thinking of asking the social workier if we could meet with the grandmother and kids so that she can see for herself. Or hire an attorney. However, if the Dad is manipulating and controling grandma, I don't see how anything we do will help/ take that back.... with the exeption of lots of prayer and trusting the Lord that He does what's best for these little ones!!!

[becky]

I will pray for those little ones...I know reunification or relative adoption is always the desired outcome from foster care, but I hope it really is the best in this case...doesn't sound like it is.

I will pray for you because I am sure your heart is breaking at the thought.

[jalapeno]

I'm so sorry to hear it. The situation sounds similar to what we went through with our first foster child. A relative stepped forward after about 4 months. He was ultimately with us for a year and then "reunified" with a relative he didn't know (and is no doubt in contact with family members that aren't supposed to have access to him). Nightmare is a good term for it. I hope the grandmother in your situation thinks this through very carefully. In my state, "best interest of the child" takes a back seat to rights of the biological family. For the most part I can understand that - I wouldn't want to grant the state TOO much power to remove children from their families. On the other hand, I've seen and heard about too many children that are allowed to live in horrible situations because parents and other relatives are given so many chances.

I hope things work out for the best. {HUGS}

[KarenInCa]

Very sorry. It just does not seem fair sometimes. When the children have not been around "family" I really don't see how placing with family is better for the children. I don't get that concept.
Just curious, is the grandmother intending to adopt the children, or is she planning on doing family foster care? I dont know much about foster care, but if she can potentially be paid for family fostering the children, that might also be a motivating force for her.

[Linny]

So much of the time, this is the way foster care works...and frankly, I feel it's not usually IN the best interests of the children....but in our state, it's the sad state of affairs. (sigh)
I would suggest that you contact the childrens' CASA worker. IF they have a CASA worker, you might be able to discuss the entire situation with him/her and perhaps have some help in determining what would be the best scenario. Not that this will always happen, but we HAVE seen where a CASA worker's opinion trumped that of the majority opinion. The judge took the CASA's point of view VERY seriously.

Can you request a bonding evaluation to show that the children are, indeed, doing well in your home and might suffer to be moved? My hunch is that the grandmother IS being pushed into this by a biodad. This isn't unusual either...and why the courts don't see this for what it is---is inexcusable.
If you can't get an eval done, then it might be wise to contact an attorney to help with your case. A lot will depend on what you were told when the children were placed with you: Were they placed as foster to adopt....legal risk, or simply foster children you were hoping to adopt if possible.
How the system placed them will have an impact on how the judge will view this as well...at least that's what so often happens.
Best of luck. I personally know how heartbreaking this can be...which is one reason we quit being foster parents and why the foster care system is not a favorite of mine.

Sincerely,

Linny

[racingwife20]

I'm so sorry you are in this position, but please know you aren't alone. We've had our FC for nearly 2.5 years and finally had a goal change to TPR/adoption. And now, there's an uncle who has filed a petition for custody of the kids - kids he has never met, and who he did not want 2.5 years ago when he was first contacted. We have been reassured by the CW and supervisor that the kids are not going anywhere, but there's still a part of me that worries. I know that it's just a stall tactic Mom and her attorney are using so that she can continue to have visitation with the kids.

It sounds as though the children are where they need to be - and a move to a relative they do not know would be very traumatic for them.

[Gwen72]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope things work out that the kids get to saty with you. Keep us posted.

[gracegirl]

Scary! Our little guy's TPR trial is happening soon. He was placed with us for adoption also. I know what you mean about the worry of additional trauma to our kiddos if they were to be moved again. Praying for you and your kids. Keep us posted!

[vernellinnj]

I'm 'that case'. The one who had a fosterchild in her home for four years (21 months to age 6) before the child was reunited with his biological mom. I pray no one ever endures that heartache. Hope you have a better outcome.

[Barksum]

Have you contacted the kids GAL/CASA/attorney? They advocate directly with the court on behalf of the children alone; they don't represent the parents or extended family. Sometimes this can be helpful.

I'm never sure what to believe when sw's talk about their cases. Foster families are not always informed about bio family members who are in the wings, information is not always given to the various parties involved as to why decisions are made regarding the children, and it is never the agency's fault, no matter what the issue. It's always foster parents who did/did not do something, or family members who "didn't step forward until the last minute", or whatever. Take all the info you get with a grain of salt. As a foster parent I was even given misinformation about why kids were transferred from another foster home to our home. Info that might have been a game changer for us.

All of our foster children were R/U with bio family, although I think one did end up being adopted later. I think MOST of our foster kids were considered 'likely to go to adoption', but they all ended up not being adopted while their parents' current case plan was open. I know some of what you are experiencing and I do sympathize with your situation.

I'm also on the other side. I'm one of those "nasty bio family members that swooped in and stole a child from the foster family". In our defense, we WERE in contact with the sw for a few months. We were somewhat peripheral because 1) the case had not gone to adoption planning yet, 2) we lived in a different state so were not available to offer foster care, and 3) no one official was really interested in us until the plan changed to adoption. We were "there", but I'm not sure that the various foster families were informed about us. The last foster family had our relative for three months, I think, and I know that they would have liked to adopt the child. However, WE'D known about the child from birth. We HAD been in contact with the sw, but none of the foster families. We had let the agency know that we were qualified to adopt. (We had both a current foster license and a current adoptive homestudy in place.) We were told there wasn't much we could do unless/until the plan changed to adoption.

I'm sure when the plan did change to adoption the latest foster family was disappointed that this bio family seemed to appear from nowhere and pounce on the child. We'd not been in contact with the foster family prior to the plan changing and I don't know how much the sw had discussed things with them.

[vernellinnj]

Originally Posted by Barksum

I'm also on the other side. I'm one of those "nasty bio family members that swooped in and stole a child from the foster family".

Is that how you think most FPs feel? Every case is different. In my case it was negligence on the state and courts for not following timelines set forth by law. Two independent psychologists said I was the 'psychological' parent of my FS, his LG also fought for him to stay. As a christian I have to believe it was God's will. But, I know there will come a time when his mom will have to explain to him why she removed him from a loving, stable home with the only mom he knew. People forget....kids grow up.

[Barksum]

Originally Posted by vernellinnj

Is that how you think most FPs feel? Every case is different.

Vernelli, sigh. It depends on the day and if I've had an event that bit into the quick. Catch me on a low day and I'm pretty jaded. On a normal day I do know that not all FP's feel this way. On a low day I'm usually trying to figure out how we could have changed things so that various child relatives wouldn't have spent years in the system and been "lost" to us, etc.

[Miss.M]

In my Province the best interest of the child comes first. I can't believe that any judge would say that the best interest of the children is to be returned if what you say about them before placement is any indication of what they could return to. If your agency will fight for you then I would make them your best advocates.

[kreitsauce]

I'd definitely talk to a guardian ad litem if you can. They speak on behalf of the child whereas the foster care system is mostly about the rights of the bio family. I understand that position, but I think it's awful when things like this happen. Prayers are going up for you.

[wcurry66]

I'm sorry you are hurting.

5 months is not a long time. I'm sure it feels like a lifetime for you. But many, many foster kids spend their first 6 months with another family before being Ru'd with the B-family. It seems these kids who are cared for, learn to bond and are better able to adjust to the move than kids who do not experience this early bonding

A similar activity happens in international adoptions.
Listen to the people on the Guatemala forum. Kids start life with one family until the red tape clears and the children are able to immigrate.

I won't debate the value of relative care at this point. its clear your heart is being ripped out.

I hope i can provide a little peace. Young kids recover quickly.