[arkansas parent]

A little background for those who don't already now. We adopted our youngest when he was 1 day old. His birth mom said she didn't not use any kind of drugs and didn't drink alcohol after she found out she was pregnant (not sure when she found out, she didn't get medical care until she was 5mo along). Little A started showing his temper when he was only 5mo old. By the time he was 1yr he hit, bit, pulled hair and head bunted. He stopped biting and head bunting when he was around 2 2.5yrs. He continues to hit and grab our older son and pets. Some times he does it when he is mad other times it is like he enjoys it. Yesterday he was mad at me because I told him he couldn't have pb&j because it was almost time for supper. He walked into the livingroom and choked our cat who had been sleeping on the back of the couch. Today when I was getting his play tunnel out for him he stomped the cats foot ( I didn't get the tunnel out after that ). Just a few minutes ago he begged our older son to play with him, then within in 3 min he started hitting.
We have tried time-outs, time-ins, taking away toys/tv/games/ ,banned him from touching pets/ yelling/ having his brother hit back (something T is not comfortable with)/ and everything in between.
His birthmom said her daughter was/is the same way at his age. Other people I have talked to say their youngest is aggressive, others say it is just normal boy behavior. My husband has let him watch way to violent tv shows and it has caused some fights between us in the past. He says stuff like " I watched it and turned out fine". Today DH called from work and I told him I deleted all the tv old cartoon (transformer,teen titans, etc) and that HIS DVD's will be in the trash next if he doesn't stop watching it around little A. I have banned all "mean" games ( sword fighting, superhero/bad guys, wrestling, etc). Any suggestion on how to get him past this phase ( I really hope it is just a stage: )

[DDAmasa]

From what you describe it sounds far beyond normal boy behavior. Abusing animals is not normal. Constant hitting and agression is not normal. Choking a cat over a sandwhich? Not normal. I also don't think the TV shows have anything to do with it. Every boy over age 3 I know watches all that and plays with swords and guns and none behave the way your son does. Playing swordfighting and wrestling in fun is what most boys do, not intentionally and repeatedly trying to hurt others. I really would recommend talking to your pediatrician and maybe getting a recommendation for a psychologist before it escalates.

[arkansas parent]

Originally Posted by DDAmasa

I really would recommend talking to your pediatrician and maybe getting a recommendation for a psychologist before it escalates.

The thing is he CAN control it, because he doesn't hit DH, DD , me or the dogs (has hit the dogs in the past but not in a long time), so I'm not sure there is anything a doctor can/will do.

[PRAISEMom]

Sorry to hear about this. I agree the cat choking seems beyond normal, and concerning. But the other behavior could just be boy behavior (I've got three, now teens), maybe even complicated by a health issue.

My middle son, now almost 17, was such a difficult, angry, violent little boy that I thought he had something really wrong with him. Long story short, he had severe allergies to lots of things in his environment -- dust, pollens, animal dander, molds, peanut butter, peas, soy, etc. Our allergist (who finally diagnosed this when our boy was 4) said no wonder he was an angry little boy; he probably felt rotten all of the time!

Once he got on allergy meds, he changed and was much more pleasant! Though we still had to tame the wild boy stuff over the years, and he has always been rougher and tougher than his brothers, he has matured into a great young man. When he was about 9 or 10 we started immunotherapy (allergy shots) for a couple of years, and he is mostly cured of the allergies now (except for peanuts and peas).

I wouldn't just ignore this. Get him to a doctor, investigate this thoroughly, look for physical causes. And I would also consider a psychologist to help you get a parenting strategy that will work with him. If he's like my son, you'll need to change tactics every once in a while. You'll need to protect the other kids/animals from him ("I love you, but I will not let you hurt your brother, so you have to play in this room with me for now." -- that sort of thing). And pray!! Pray for wisdom as a parent, and pray for him, too. Hope this helps.

[alys1]

Chiming in on the allergy idea, that could be it. Some of us just have tons of sensitivities. To chemicals, food dyes, etc. Read a bit at The Feingold Diet Program for ADHD , esp. the case histories. You can "test" for this by cutting things out of the diet, or have tests done.

[tobeafamily]

I think it's important to note that there is no such thing as a 'universal truth' when it comes to exposure and behavior. Three people can be exposed to the exact same stimulus and experience it differently. So, saying that since one person did not display physical violence after watching, say, cartoons, cannot 'generalize' to it being OK for everyone.

In our case, we saw very clearly that our son would be more physical at that age after viewing programming that had aggressive physical behavior. He would absolutely be more aggressive. So, we agreed to not expose him.

Now, he is 9 1/2 and he CAN see shows like Bugs Bunny and Teen Titans and Dragonball Z Kai and does not have any physical aggression display afterwards. He is, in fact, pretty nonviolent in general, preferring to deal with bullies through humor rather than fists.

I would be sure to have his pediatrician evaluate to see if there are other factors at play including a good sleep program - does he nap regularly? Is he getting a total of about 11-12 hours sleep? What are his eating habits?

Lastly, he may see the cat as more of a toy than a living being because they are more passive, soft and furry than a dog. You may want to think about substituting something like a pillow pet as his 'mad pillow' when he feels the need to stomp, squeeze or hit.

Consequences for harming any living being should be immediate and severe. In our case, putting DS in time out rarely worked but putting a favorite toy in time out still does very well. Our first toy timeouts were rough - the toy stayed in time out for an extra period if he attempted to retrieve it (it was always up on a high 'time out' shelf where he could see it but not get it) and multiple attempts resulted in the favorite toy going in the trash can for good. Not easy at first but he caught on pretty quick.

HTH.

[bromanchik]

I agree with everything tobeafamily said. Little kids do not have the brain matter to handle violence (Or horror for that matter). Period. There are ratings for a reason.

Kids act out because they have not yet learned how to identify and regulate their emotions and the physiological reactions that accompany them. That is part of your job. There are a lot of things he can do to calm himself. Bean bad chairs actually calm the sympathetic nervous system. So does drinking from a straw, stress balls and playing in water. All are calming.

Choking the cat is really not normal. I like the pillow pet idea. Better yet, put him to work... lifting things, moving things. Anger, frustration, disappointment... anything that triggers the sympathetic nervous system in a kid, produces adrenalin and cortisol, both chemicals that naturally produce energy.

Also, please look at sleep and eating habits. These can effect wee one's greatly. They effect adults too but adults just have more coping mechanisms.

[arkansas parent]

When I said he choked the cat I should have been a more clear. He grabbed the cat by the throat and pulled in off the couch ( the cat made a "choking" sound).
He goes through phases of sleeping really good, but most of the time he doesn't fall asleep for 1hr-1.5hr or more after being put to bed, then does the same thing at nap time. Last night we turned off the kitchen light ( he wants it left on) and today I will be replacing his nightlight bulb with a dimmer one. We also started putting him to bed 20min earlier. If changing his routine at night doesn't help I am going to talk to his doctor about melaotinin (sp?) . Our oldest son had to start taking it around 4.5 yrs because he would lay in bed for HOURS then be a monster the next day.

[minibus]

You and your husband need to get on the same page around TV and exposure to violent games/shows/etc. Easier said than done sometimes, I know.

I think that the harm to animals is beyond normal boy behavior.

Consider your bedtime routine - is there wind down time? Quiet time with lights low and low voices before bed? Quiet activities for at least an hour before bed? Same consistent routine day to day? What does he have in his room/bed? There may be too much to do/look at.

You have to also consider your discipline. For aggression it needs to be immediate and consistent. Given that you said that you and your husband have not been on the same page about the TV shows, you may not be on the same page around the aggression, either, especially if your husband considers it "normal boy behavior". My husband loves to roughhouse with our kids and I had to really get on him around there being a time and a place for such things (e.g. the dinner table is not such a place, nor is the bed at bedtime).

Be aware that any changes you make will take time to sink in and he will likely test them to make sure you will be consistent.

Good luck!

[tobeafamily]

Originally Posted by arkansas parent

When I said he choked the cat I should have been a more clear. He grabbed the cat by the throat and pulled in off the couch ( the cat made a "choking" sound).
He goes through phases of sleeping really good, but most of the time he doesn't fall asleep for 1hr-1.5hr or more after being put to bed, then does the same thing at nap time. Last night we turned off the kitchen light ( he wants it left on) and today I will be replacing his nightlight bulb with a dimmer one. We also started putting him to bed 20min earlier. If changing his routine at night doesn't help I am going to talk to his doctor about melaotinin (sp?) . Our oldest son had to start taking it around 4.5 yrs because he would lay in bed for HOURS then be a monster the next day.

So, he's tired. He's not regularly sleeping and getting in that solid 11 hours or so that a 3.5 year old needs. He's also in full 'love/hate' that wonderful developmental stage 3.5 year olds go through ("Your 3 Year Old: Friend or Enemy" By Louise Bates Ames was a revelation for me).

I would focus on sleep and also removing highly processed foods from his diet as both can be major contributors to agitation and poor sleep. I'd get him in a highly structured sleep pattern. I'd also get him tested for allergies, including food allergies, as these can be triggers.

I agree that consistency is key as well as immediacy. At this age his memory retains about a minute at a time before it moves on - there is really no sustained attention in any child of this age - so acting swiftly is really important.

Lastly, remain calm. I love what Dr. Foster Cline says about parents getting upset and yelling and such - for the child that's POWER - what a show! Look at them rant and rave and drop everything to focus only on me! Granted, I'm not liking much some of what happens but wow! I am one powerful creature! Let's see what she does when I break that plate! Neato! I think her head might split open! Just like on TV!

Hang in.

[Nevada Jen]

For the sleep problems, we have recently had a very good result with DS (who is the worst sleeper I have ever encountered) by promising him that if he has 10 nights in a row of going right to bed and falling right to sleep he will get a new video game. Amazingly, HE made the choices about what needed to be done to make him sleep better (fan on and more light from a specific location) and now he really does force himself to shut down and go to sleep. Honestly, before this, I'm not sure if he really ever did sleep. He was awake when I went to bed at 1 am and awake when I woke up at 6. He's a completely different person with a close to normal amount of sleep. He definately does not lose control of his emotions and break out with inappropriate anger anymore. Although, he is a very mature 6. I am not sure the 10 days of good sleep thing will work with a 3.5 year old.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by arkansas parent

He goes through phases of sleeping really good, but most of the time he doesn't fall asleep for 1hr-1.5hr or more after being put to bed, then does the same thing at nap time.

I'm wondering if maybe your son physiologically doesn't need his nap anymore. That could be one reason why it's taking him so long to fall asleep at night.

[Amber76]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

I'm wondering if maybe your son physiologically doesn't need his nap anymore. That could be one reason why it's taking him so long to fall asleep at night.

I was thinking the same thing, Raven. My son is the same age and gave up his nap a few months ago. I hate that he doesn't take a nap, but now he is ready for bed at 8 PM and sleeps until 7:30 or 8:30 every morning. On the rare day when he does fall asleep in the afternoon (usually in the car) it is a battle to get him to bed before 10 or 11 but he still gets up at 8 AM. So we deal with a bit of whiny grumpiness from about 7-8 PM in order to have a good nights' sleep.

[millie58]

Definitely try melatonin. L, my 10 yo is on Adderall. Would be awake at 11 pm and getting up at 6, he was grumpy which would turn into a meltdown. Melatonin helps them get into a deeper sleep. Also, there may have been trauma. You might want to think about EMDR therapy.

[diva341]

I had a friend whose brother did something awful to the family cat - can't remember details - when he was about 5 or 6. They put him in therapy about it. He's now happily married with kids and extremely successful. Not sure if that means, 1. the cutthroat instinct stood him in good stead; 2. the therapy worked and saved him from a sociopath's existence; or 3. he would have grown out of it anyway. I tend to think, though, that in his case the therapy was a really good idea.