[vernellinnj]

This is a hypothetical situation that I was discussing with a fellow adoptive family. Interested in respectful replies (I like the way another member worded that in her post) from all sides of the TRIAD.

If a bmom purposely did not want to meet adoptive parents and decided to not have communication BUT the adoptive parents discovered her name and found a photo...

As adoptive parents, do you share with your son/daughter as a part of his or her story that you tell from birth up?

Do you put photo it in his or her baby book?

Do you tell them this informatiom when they are older?

Other?

[crick]

Oh, I'd absolutely share the photo with my kids & if doing a baby book, I'd likely put it in there. To me, the "no contact" is a different issue than having the picture solely for my child.

[Nevada Jen]

We are in this situation. I would definately share the bparent's name that you know for 100% sure. I have what I think are photos and contact information but I am not positive I have the right person. I would feel horrible if I shared all that as part of his story and it was the wrong person. So I don't share the photos or other info I find. I learned this the hard way by assuming that what I had been told about bmom and her career was actually true. When it now certainly appears it was not.

[vernellinnj]

Originally Posted by crick

Oh, I'd absolutely share the photo with my kids & if doing a baby book, I'd likely put it in there. To me, the "no contact" is a different issue than having the picture solely for my child.

So it would be "solely for your child"? Aren't baby books viewed by others too? And, bear in mind - the bparents think you don't have their last name so they are assuming anonymity not only "no contact". It's tricky if you ask me...

[vernellinnj]

Originally Posted by Nevada Jen

We are in this situation. I would definately share the bparent's name that you know for 100% sure. I have what I think are photos and contact information but I am not positive I have the right person. I would feel horrible if I shared all that as part of his story and it was the wrong person. So I don't share the photos or other info I find. I learned this the hard way by assuming that what I had been told about bmom and her career was actually true. When it now certainly appears it was not.

Hypothetical, not me (really, it isn't). And, it's definitely the right person.

[oregongirl]

We are also in this situation. Our adoption was supposed to be closed at the birthparent's request. However their names were listed on one of the documents we received. I put the document along with the other information I had about her birthparents in a folder in her hope chest.

As an adoptee myself in the era of closed adoptions with no information at all, I would have loved to have had even a first name.

[vernellinnj]

Originally Posted by oregongirl

We are also in this situation. Our adoption was supposed to be closed at the birthparent's request. However their names were listed on one of the documents we received. I put the document along with the other information I had about her birthparents in a folder in her hope chest.

As an adoptee myself in the era of closed adoptions with no information at all, I would have loved to have had even a first name.

So, it will be shared with your daughter as she gets older and will not be in her baby book? Not even a first name?

[crick]

Hmm...guess I hadn't considered that. I have a family book of the kids and our early days. Can't think of anyone that has seen it, so I assumed baby books would be the same. I can't think of any baby books I've ever seen either! lol!!

I guess I would amend "solely" to mean for my kids' information and not used for the purpose of trying to invade bmom's privacy based on her wishes, kwim?

[oregongirl]

Originally Posted by crick

I guess I would amend "solely" to mean for my kids' information and not used for the purpose of trying to invade bmom's privacy based on her wishes, kwim?

That's why I kept the information instead of destroying it as we were advised. If the birthparents want contact we have left that door open through the agency, but we will not contact them. I don't want to invade their privacy or make them feel like we would bother them.

I am debating on whether or not to put the info in her baby book. In my family it is likely that someone else would see it, even if they are family members I'm not sure that they need to know.

I realize that it is uncommon now to have a closed adoption. In our case the birthmom did not even see her child before relinquishment, so her desire for a closed adoption was strong.

[vernellinnj]

Originally Posted by oregongirl

I realize that it is uncommon now to have a closed adoption. In our case the birthmom did not even see her child before relinquishment, so her desire for a closed adoption was strong.

I'm not sure closed adoptions are as uncommon as some agencies want families to believe. Three families in my "class" at our Open Adoption focused agency requested closed and did not see the child.

[crick]

Oregon - I think leaving the door open is a good way to go. And definitely agree with not destroying it! It's not your fault the information was given to you and one day your child might want it. This is one of the things I think adoptees have a right to have regardless of the "no contact" wish. Seems unfair to say, but that's just my opinion.

It's hard to know what to do, I think. I know of another member who did reach out for contact and it ended up being the right thing because bmom changed her mind about it and actually did want to have a more open relationship. I can't say that's wrong, kwim?

Grey areas you have led us into Vernellinj!

[Miss.M]

I have a photo of one bmom from when she was in grade 10 and that's it. It's part of my son's life book and he's looked at it a few times. It helps him to put a face to this person that gave him life. I'd share it. Or at the very least I would keep it somewhere safe to share when the child is ready and asking.

[Dickons]

I do not believe it should be kept from the child - obviously no surprise there.

If they really wish to be anonymous then they can change their identity.

Nor do I believe an agency has any moral or ethical right to promise someone they can have lifelong anonymity from their child. They can choose to have, or not have, a relationship.

At the end of the day an agency cannot promise anonymity even in a sealed records state, because for good cause a judge will unseal the file for the adoptee.

Now flip the scenario around and your child is sick and doctor after doctor has tried to figure out what your child has and without a family health history they don't know what it could be. And before you scoff at that - recognise there are 7,000 rare diseases in addition to standard everyday diseases and most have similar general symptoms. What would you do?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[ruth74]

I have identifying information for my son's bparents that I am not supposed to have; bmom's full name was accidentally left on one of the hospital records. We have a semi-open adoption; I met them, I have a picture of them that they know I have, and I send semi-annual updates to the agency, which they will pick up when they are ready. Everything I have is in C's baby book; I think he has every right to it. I don't really share his baby book much with other people, but those I do will see what is there (documents are all in envelopes, so people wouldn't be reading them, but pictures are there for everyone to see).

I agree that people don't get to have complete anonymity. We don't get that either; especially when people have such a large online presence, most people can find people pretty easily. I have seen bparents on here talk about finding people online (maybe and maybe not contacting) and people don't seem to think that's a problem. I've seen aparents do the same. I actually looked up C's bparents on a social networking site - not to intrude on their privacy, but because I wanted to know they were out there and okay. I wouldn't do it again without a really strong reason, but I can't say I really feel bad about it either. You want your child to have the most and best information possible, and this picture and information are part of that.

[ctquilter]

As an adoptive mother, I would keep any and all information that I might have been given -- photos, names, etc. As a birthmother, I can tell you that minds are changed about anonymity. Forty-six years ago, it seemed like a good idea. And 34 years ago, I changed my mind.

One sad thing to hear in adoptee's searches is that their parents had a document with the birthmother's name on it, and destroyed it. Keep it safe. Someday it might come in handy.