[anilorak13ska]

We are in the process of adopting from Poland (my native country), and while the process stalled for months and months, we became interested in fertility treatments (we never pursued this before). We are talking with a donor family deciding between us and another family regarding who will get their 4 embryos. While I am excited about the possibility of experiencing pregnancy, I am torn between the embryo adoption and the Poland adoption. We are pressing on with both with the understanding that God will decide which is for us based on if we get a referral first or if we get pregnant first.

I don't know if it's just a matter of wanting a child in my arms and not caring which way she/he gets here, or if it's the certainty of the Poland adoption versus the possibility of pregnancy with the embryo transfer, but I sort of want both but I know I can't have both. We simply cannot afford it. Other than pregnancy, the other main reason we're trying the donor embryo route is bc it's a third of the cost we still have to pay for the Poland adoption, so if it works (the first time), we won't have to come up with the money to complete the Poland adoption. (And yes, I realize that if it doesn't work, even say after two tries, we'll have an even bigger expense. But we have to try.)

But I've been in adoption mode for over 3 years, always imagining the day I met my child for the first time, and not adopting (the traditional way) would actually be a loss similar to mourning not having a biological child.

I know what the benefits of adoption are for the children. In our case, this would be a child that no one in Poland wanted to adopt , and not everyone adopting from Poland would necessarily adopt either (our age range is through preschool, either sex, one or two sibs, some medical ok) So I feel guilty for possibly removing myself from the pool of adoptive families.

[wcurry66]

based on the subject line, I was prepared to answer a completely different question. The benefits to me from my adoption are endless

it sounds like your struggling with adoption vs embryo donation. I never had that debate.

I can tell you i'd be beyond nervous about embryo donation.

there's too much uncertainty. are they viable? come with hidden defects? Are 4 enough to make a baby? what happens if i miscarry? would i then be too broke to adopt?

but, then again, i never really felt the need to be pregnant. ymmv

[Nevada Jen]

We followed the exact same path as you. Our agreement was that we finished our homestudy and then we would use it to try embryo adoption first. Lo and behold, we got a baby born call before our homestudy was finished (which they "amazingly" managed to finish in 24 hours once they needed us). From my position (had already carried my only pregnancy to term with no problems) the two were not any different. We were not adopting even remotely to save a child so I didn't have any issues with not adopting an child that was already born. My motives were purely selfish (and I don't have a problem with saying that). I think the way you are going at it is perfectly fine and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

[loveajax]

I don't know what the "right" answer for you is, but i know it's hard to try to figure it out! Good luck!

[rd200]

We also are in the same boat kinda. We want to have another and are debating between adopting another or doing embryo adoption.

I can say for me, the ONLY thing that is holding me back on adopting again is that i really really really want to have the whole breastfeeding experience. I breastfed by adopted son, and while it was a great experience and i would do it again, it wasnt really the "whole" experience with the natural hormones, full supply, etc. If i can "get over" that, i would adopt again in a heartbeat!!! unfortunetly, im having a hardtime getting past it and i hope i can. I want to at least try embryo adoption, but like you said, i also dont want to be broke and babyless.

its such a personal decision and a very tough one. THe main reason we adopted over pursueing more IF treatments was because at the end of the process i wanted a baby..... guaranteed!!! Adoption could do that.... IF treatments couldnt!!! So, that made our decision pretty easy.

im sure people are looking at my post like...OMG, thats the silliest reasoning ive ever heard of. And maybe to some people that is, to me, its not. but your reasons are your own, if you want to at least try, then do it. Good luck, Rach

[sissyminsky]

I feel compelled to mention the case of my brother and SIL.

They had a biological son and then experienced secondary infertility and decided to do embryo adoption. Two implantations of two embryos each - neither took. Now they have no second child and no money left for adoption.

I do think that it is an individual choice. I understand that there are some variables in international adoption, so that may not feel like a sure path to a child either.

Whatever your choice, I hope you find your child!

[anilorak13ska]

Thank you all for your responses. Honestly, we lost our adoption budget earlier this year, so it's not like we'll "go through" a set amount of money. No matter which route we go, we'll be paying it off for a while.

wcurry66 - I'd love to hear what your original response would've been... perhaps I included too much detail and diluted that I did indeed want an answer to the subject question