[ErinandWill]

I was speaking with a friend today who is also waiting for a match and the subject of "how it feels when someone we know through our agency is placed" came up. What really struck me was how I feel versus how I felt when someone I knew through IF circles got pregnant during treatment. Back when we were undergoing treatment when I'd learn that another couple had conceived through treatment I'd feel genuinely happy for them and feel like "yeah, another success story!" But now, I just learned that two other couples (whom we only met at our agency classes and don't know personally) have been placed, I feel shock and honestly like I just got punched and the feeling inside is "why weren't we chosen, what's wrong with us?"

I know I'm overthinking this, but their success feels like our setback (ie not chosen again) where before each couples success at IF treatment wasn't preventing us from realizing our dream, kwim? I hate myself for feeling like this. I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt like this. I really don't like feeling like this and I keep reminding myself that at least it means we'll move up on the list.

[mommytoC]

I completely understand your feelings but I had completely the opposite feelings. Everytime a friend got pregnant and I didn't (or I miscarried), I was like why not us?! I would get more upset and more withdrawn. With adoption, I was able to be more happy for people. But I still have that punched in the stomach feeling (a least for a momment) each time someone tells me they are preggers.

No advice...just know you aren't alone.

[scarlet872]

I have noticed my reactions are different. Hearing someone was pregnant, I would feel both happy and sad at the same time. Happy b/c it is exciting for my friend/loved one and I am happy for them. But also sad/jealous, wondering when it would be my turn.

Now hearing about other adoptions, it is mostly jealous/wondering when my turn will come. I think the difference is that, at least the others I met through my agency, they seem like the "competition". Multiple profiles are shown, ours was not chosen. The other thing is I don't know these people as well. Hearing my sister or friend is pregnant makes me somewhat happy b/c I love them dearly and want them to be happy. But my adoption contacts are more "anonymous" people or acquaintances more than friends.

[Barksum]

Haven't dealt with infertility or the treatments for it, but when we were waiting to adopt it WAS hard to not be chosen. I felt like I did in high school; not one of the In Crowd. A wall flower. Not "right" in some way. It was hard not to take it personally when we weren't chosen.

We adopted from foster care, so we had to go through a few steps to get to the point where we were one of three families a committee would choose from as the match for any given child or sibling group.

One of the reasons we didn't adopt more children, besides running out of room and ME, was due to the emotional roller coaster. We adopted four times and tt didn't get easier each time, it got harder. Perhaps because we knew what was in store.

[swd]

I felt the kick in the stomach with both. It didn't matter. Even after DS was home with us, it annoyed the daylights out of me to talk to women who actually choose when to get pregnant, do it, and have their next baby. As if it's really just that easy.

With adoption, it did feel like a mad rush of sorts, like "did they just get our baby? Why didn't WE get that baby?" but we knew that a) it moved us up the list and b) it wasn't really "our" baby. We would hear about it, but then meet the family again and know that there was a very specific reason why we weren't considered based on our profile.

It's okay to feel that way. We have friends who are convinced their weight is an issue b/c they're waiting and waiting with no end in sight. It's not their weight. It's just the way it goes. It's not a competition. (Our friends sort of see it that way, too!) They are not better than you b/c they got their baby first. They are different. Those babies weren't YOUR baby.

Your baby will come, and when s/he does, you'll see why you had to wait. Just like now I see why all those &@$*ing IVF treatments and drugs didn't work for me when they seemed to be working for everyone else.

[Jesandler]

Oh girl you are not alone. For me grief and loss is a part of my every day existence. Some days are better than others. I have found the adoption journey deeply difficult also. At least we have each other.

[Nevada Jen]

You are not alone in your feelings. And its a very perceptive post. Although pregnancies tended to hit me harder than others being matched or adopting. I will say, that once my son was in my arms, I instantly "got" why I had to struggle. I was waiting for HIM. You don't want someone else's baby. You are waiting for YOUR baby.

Do you ever see the babies that get placed with other families? I know that actually seeing them helped me put things into perspective as I didn't feel like those people were parenting MY child. The babies they were placed with were THEIR children (if that makes any sense).

[LauraLiz]

Ditto the understanding. Our agency just had an adoption celebration picnic at a kids amusement park. When I saw all the young babies that were not there last year I felt sad and angry and that wound of "why are we still waiting" was opened up. I try to just take a big breath and remember I don't have control over it and our baby is still coming. That said, there are moments where I feel like he/she may never come and what if I am just fooling myself. I guess I just try to not give in to the spiral. Sometimes I say the things I don't feel yet and hope that I will eventually feel them. Hang in there...it is not an easy road, but it's ours and it ends beautifully (see...saying what I don't always feel?

[BMC217]

We are trying to adopt a school age girl from foster care and recently had what I thought might be a match fall through. I mentioned in an earlier post that I find that not being matched is just as painful as the loss of several rounds of IF and a miscarriage - except that my clothes fit so much better and my hormones are (somewhat) under control.

I try hard not to be jealous of other friends who have bio and/or adopted kids. I have to keep in mind my Mom saying that she truly believes there's someone out there who needs me to be her mom and that we will find each other.