[florencecalling]

Hello All,

I've got a hum-dinger of a question for you.

So, here's the situation:

My DH and I just completed our homestudy and are working on going active with an agency (sometime in the next few months).

We have about 35k already set aside for the adoption, and have another 20k loan from a family member (should we need it).

Today, we found out about a possible match, except it's way outside our budget (by about 10k). The e-mom is very committed to adoption and there's been no pre-natal exposure to drugs or anything. The e-mom has some of the same interests as us and even shares my cultural heritage.

My DH is dead-set against doing any follow-up with this match. He feels we haven't had a chance to go active with the agency and have a "cheaper" match be presented to us. I hate the fact that money even enters into the conversation!

But, I've been hearing that adoption is slowing down in general and the agency we want to go with has been seeing lower numbers.

We've been trying for a family so long, something about this seems worth looking into. My husband says I am being emotional and stupid (about the money).

Thoughts? What would you do?

[becky]

Well if you are talking about a match that is something along the lines of 45K-65K, then I absolutely agree with your husband. That is insane! Someone in that situation is making a LOT of money...either an expectant mom or an agency.

What happens if you provide all of that support and the expectant mom decides to parent...which is absolutely her right...then are you out all of that money? Are your dreams of adopting then over? Are you stuck with an agency you weren't planning to work with, because they have all your money and they won't refund it, only apply to the next situation you match with (and who knows how long that will be?)

I agree with your husband...it should not cost that much to adopt...I know that people on here have paid that much, but again in my mind someone is making a lot of money off a situation like this.

I know it so hard when you have been waiting...but the right baby is out there and hopefully you won't have to go into debt in order to build your family.

[megaphonemo]

Sorry, but $65K is really insane. Go live first, and then see what shows up. You will kick yourselves if you could invest any of that in either college savings for said child, or, if you work, use that money to take extra time off when your baby does come home. You don't have to jump at the first available situation....

I don't mean to be rude, but this would be the most expensive situation I have ever heard of anywhere....

Mega

[Gwen72]

$65,000 in expenses is outrageous! I would run, not walk, away from this situation. I know that's got to be hard for you to hear because you want a baby so badly and everything else about this sounds too good to be true. However, someone is using your desire to have a baby to scam you out of $65000. Listen to your husband on this one.

[eagleswings216]

I agree with the others - that is a really high amount. It didn't cost us that to adopt our twins even, and that was two at the same time (which means we aren't adopting again, so it really cost us less in the long run).

You really need to think about what if you lose that money if the match fails, or will you want to adopt again in the near future and not be able to because you've used all your savings on this one adoption? I really think your DH is right on this one.

[HopingGA45]

$65K for domestic seems insane. I'm not sure why it could possibly be that expensive. I think I would agree with your husband. Are you planning on adopting again in the future? I know if we had spent that much money for a single adoption we would not ever be able to consider a second one in the future because we would have been paying that off for many years.

It seems to me that that amount is twice what most domestic adoptions cost. I think the tax credit for adoption is only $13,500. It is not unreasonable to consider money. You have to think about it. I know when we were going through it our budget was important. I think about the fact that I would not been able to take unpaid leave after placement if we had gone outside of our budget. It's not just about being able to afford the adoption, but you also have to consider your life after the adoption.

I remember when we were taking our classes for our homestudy and the instructor said that there may be situations that come along that you cannot be involved in for one reason or another. She said that it does not mean that it won't happen. It's really hard not to get caught up in the moment and want to do something that doesn't make sense. When the situation is right, you will know deep down inside. It will just feel right. Good luck.

[Hoping2adoptsibs]

Sounds like a complete scam IMO. They will walk with that money and where will you be then?

[Saya]

I have NEVER heard of a domestic adoption being that expensive. I don't think it's a good idea.

[GodsChild.]

I would pray about it. I think it would be wiser imo to go through the agency (and I like what a pp said about saving the remaining $ for college) Best of luck. Keep us updated.

[florencecalling]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I am so sorry I was unclear, it was late at night and I don't think I was thinking clearly.

The e-mom expenses are 45k (not 65k). We'd get all but 3k back if she decides to parent. And it doesn't have any bearing on our agency at all. The situation is being presented to us through a very reputable local agency.

But, you all are right, I should be patient.

[GodsChild.]

It is hard to understand where those expenses are going. Does the bmom receive medicaid. If she doesn't she should be able to apply. If you did go with them would they give you a break down of why she needs that amount?

[Saya]

Originally Posted by florencecalling

Thank you all so much for your responses. I am so sorry I was unclear, it was late at night and I don't think I was thinking clearly.

The e-mom expenses are 45k (not 65k). We'd get all but 3k back if she decides to parent. And it doesn't have any bearing on our agency at all. The situation is being presented to us through a very reputable local agency.

But, you all are right, I should be patient.

Hmmm - that's still a lot, but a little different. And 3K at risk is much better then 65K! (Though still a lot of money.) No matter what, I'd make EXTRA sure to read the fine print on anything (for this adoption or any other you pursue) to make sure you get back what you think you'll get back if an adoption fails.

Two questions that would be important to me in making this decision:

1) How far along is the e-mom?
2) This is still a LOT of money, more then I usually hear people paying for an adoption. Why is it so expensive? What's the breakdown of expenses? When do you pay it, and where does it go -- into escrow?

[Sleeplvr]

There is an agency that guarantees placement within 6-8 weeks that charges in the 40K - 70K range. I wish I could remember the name of the agency. We had discussed it on the forums back when we could post agency names. I'll bet they are even higher now because most folks were paying around 15K for an average adoption then.

[Fran27]

Risk or not, it's absolutely outrageous. Frankly I'd run from whatever agency thinks it's ok to expect families to pay that much. 35k is already too much IMO (we paid 33 for twins).

[Hoping2adoptsibs]

This is why people view it as buying a baby. Crazy.