[loveajax]

I started reading some blogs and found some anti-adoption ones. I have no problem (honestly) if people are anti-adoption. In fact, I prefer it to people who say they aren't but then find a way to find every adoption unethical, downplay bonds between "unrelated people," etc. (as my favorite comedian says, "don't poop down my throat and call it a sundae").

but i started thinking about the whole anti-adoption movement. what would these people who are against adoption (and also donor reproduction) say if they were gay/infertile or their child was gay or infertile. i got enough cr.ap from my (catholic) mom when i was if, i can't imagine if she were anti-adotpion....

does anyone know anyone IRL who is anti-adoption and/or donor reproduction...how do they answer these questions? is it a "god's will" type thing (as in if or gay people don't "deserve" to be parents?)? also, do they believe that every bio parent has an obligation to parent if they don't abort?

[mumofone]

Honestly, I can't say I really know anyone who is against any of those things.

My only real encounter with someone who was really against adoption was with one of my supervisors at work many years back while we waited for our first. Let me preface this by saying that he was/is a really nice guy. He had no idea we were trying to adopt, and he made a comment one day about you just don't know what you are going to get when you adopt. I replied with, "but you don't know what you are going to get when you have a biological child, either".

A few months later, we found out that we were chosen, and he was the very first person to have a beautiful gift for me at work.

I educate people when I can, but as in all cases, you can't educate if they don't want to learn.

[loveajax]

mom, i have faced some comments like that (oy!). but i have never met anyone IRL who was truly "anti-adoption." or maybe they are and I don't know it?!!

[momraine]

We had a relative (she passed recently) who was against adoption, mainly because for everyone she personally knew who had adopted (I think that it was maybe three families tops) it had turned out bad. The kids had problems and created turmoil in the families. Because in those three families the kids turned out bad and messed up the families, she assumes all adopted kids are that way. Humans in general tend to want to generalize. If we have a bad experience, we want to color everything similar by our experience. Some women whose babies were stolen from them during the baby sweep era and were very hurt, cannot fathom that another woman would willingly place her child, so they assume that all women who place were unwilling like them and were coerced or brain washed or whatever. Just like when some women are subjected to sexual abuse, they will hate all men, or all people of the race of thier attacker.

[greenrobin]

my mom, who was a very unique character, used to tell me that if people were unable to have kids, then it might be God's way of saying that they shouldn't be parents. but that never meant that she was opposed to adoption.

my brother adopted his son nearly 22 years ago. my mom was as crazy about him as she was about all of her grandbabies. she passed away before we adopted our kids. i suspect she'd have loved the mess out of them, too.

sometimes people just haven't made sure their brains are engaged before their mouths are engaged. sometimes they just haven't learned about or been exposed to things. and sometimes they're just plain nuts. the first 2 are okay--they don't mind changing. the last one? walk away. you can't fix stupid.

[feelingreyt]

I haven't run into any anti-adoption people per sey. I have, however, encountered several anti-Open Adoption people.Like, they just can't understand why I wanted my son to have a relationship with his bio-mom. It seems to me that some people feel like if a woman gives up her child for adoption, she gives up the right to desire a relationship with that child. I just don't see it that way.
Sorry if I derailed the thread.......

ETA: I believe, that with a lot of issues, a person's perspective changes once they are faced with certain things. So it would not seem strange to me at all that a person who was once "anti-adoption" would change their stance once they found out they would never be a grandparent because their child is infertile, gay ect.

[jcm]

It's funny you bring this up this week. Our best friends recently adopted too. Theirs was a relative adoption of two awesome little girls, ages 2 and 3. Of course, we adopted our DD ten months ago, so adoption is very fresh with us. Our dear friends are having a couple come up for the New Year who have experienced IF, and decided a few years ago they wouldn't adopt. They are very religious, so we figured it must be the "god's will" thing. That is only part of it, seems they don't want anyone poking around in their personal business, and don't understand how we allowed it. I can understand the God reason (understand, not agree with!) but caring if SW's look through your personal business? Unless you have dead bodies....well, then I could understand it. I suppose I am just REALLY open, and don't care what people know about me.

Now these friends LOVE and dote on the girls, but I sometimes wonder if they think our children are some how...lesser in their minds. I know that is probably all in my head, my issue, but it nags at me. But I am also to chicken s**T to bring it up.

[Quesita]

One of my staff, who is a very socially conscious, politically active woman who I also consider a friend, is very anti-adoption. She is an adult adoptee, who grew up in a terrible family where she was both neglected and abused. She grew up in an all-white community, and had no Asian role models (or even friends) until adulthood. Her personal experience, mixed with her social views about race and culture have combined into a very strong anti-adoption stance.

I respect her, and on a lot of levels, I think that having her in my life as I was going through the process of my first adoption was a positive experience. Her complex social analysis of international adoption, her concern about corruption, and her concerns about race and class were omnipresent during the process. I listened to her concerns, and acknowleged them. I feel that I was extra-vigilant about corruption/coersion because of her influence, and ultimately, I felt good about the process that I went through.

I have always valued intellegent people who disagree with me for valid, well-articulated reasons.

[crick]

I don't know anyone IRL who is truly anti adoption. I know some who are less than positive about things but it stems from ignorance and prejudice or simply a personal belief set for THEMSELVES. (which is fine...not everyone should adopt, imo)

On line, I've met a few true anti's. I think they would say to the gay community or even in general that people can become legal guardians and raise a child without severing the parental rights. That there is simply NO reason to sever that tie...EVER. Doesn't matter if the adoption is open or not, the legal severance is simply not accepted by most I know who are anti adoption. So in short, I don't think it matters what circumstance you throw out there, it's still a big fat no.

I've yet to have an articulate/calm conversation with anyone though and after a few attempts only to be compared to the likes of serial killers and dictators, I decided to stop wasting my time. Maybe I've not met the "right" ones but I'm thinking I never will, so that's okay. They think the same about me, so whatever.

[theLBs]

Originally Posted by mumofone

he made a comment one day about you just don't know what you are going to get when you adopt.

I had a couple of folks make a statement similar to that to me (both older, extended family and before they knew we wanted to adopt.) My response to them was, "Maybe, but I KNOW my gene pool, and I'd be better off to try someone elses." In both situations, they laughed and agreed. . .

[carmen90]

I've 'met' a few online -they feel adoption is never acceptable because of the 'legal severance' and new BC etc. They felt guardianship was right for abused children. When asked how they felt about gay people caring for the kids their response was that there was no difference between gay and straight people with regards to how well they would look after a chlid and that gay people would be just as good guardians as straight people. No prejudice from them based on sexuality that I detected

[usisarah]

I've never met anyone that was what I consider truly anti-adoption. I don't think of people that make comments like 'You don't know what you'll get' or whatever as anti-adoption. In my experience, people who say these things are just not thinking about what they're saying and usually are pretty understanding when you point out the flaw in their statement. I would consider someone anti-adoption if they believed that in no case EVER should adoption be allowed. I think usually when this is the case, it's an irrational thought process and not worth debating. (I'm not talking about the type of situation that Quesita described either).

[MB80sgirl]

Originally Posted by greenrobin

my mom, who was a very unique character, used to tell me that if people were unable to have kids, then it might be God's way of saying that they shouldn't be parents. but that never meant that she was opposed to adoption.
.

My mom used to tell me something like this too. When we were struggling with the waiting she always talked about how you didn't need children to have a happy marriage & all the childless couples she knew that were happy because they had freedom. It hurt my feelings because all I ever wanted was to be a mom & have a little girl, & I felt like she didn't understand me. She was so excited when we finally adopted & now she's a very involved grandma.

[oceanica]

There are a lot online... I don't talk to them because having had 3 successful adoptions, I am the devil.
Most of the true anti-adoption people I've met (as I said, only online) have not been receptive to having a real discussion about it. Most who I've met have been so filled with hatred for aparents that they can't be civil or have an intelligent conversation.
I don't think many of the people that were mentioned by pp really would be considered "anti-adoption".
I don't waste my time with haters so I don't go to sites where I read their opinions or articles.
But there is a large anti-adoption or often anti-aparent presence on the internet.

[lovemy2boys]

I've never come across anti-adoption people...For those of you who have (ocean and crick among others) who are the people (meaning do they have a part in the triad, or are they people outside of it)?

And is their 'reason' because they don't believe in breaking the biological family unit?