[MkMw]

Originally Posted by loveajax

My initial question wasn't to debate whether someone should or shouldn't be anti-adoption, just sort of curious about people who identify as such and how they would handle having a loved one who chose to adopt.

Sorry I strayed so far! I got really caught up in this thread- it's been an interesting read... I don't want to debate wether someone should or shouldn't be either. I can't change their mind that on adoption, anymore than they can change mine. They have provided some good food for thought, though.

I have seen this question asked here and there (about what if a family member adopts). Most stay silent, on the issue. I have seen some say they don't know, some say they would discourage them from adopting in anyway they could, but once/if the adoption occurred would be as supportive "as possible" and seen A FEW say that if a family member adopted - that they would discourage them anyway they could and "educate" the adopted child about their adoption issues and how bad it is every chance they got. This one always got me, because while, yes, they are standing by their opinion, they would be in effect expelling the aparent from their family....well, for most people, I can't imagine and adoptive parent exposing their child to a family member who didn't accept them as such, and encourage and support them positively.

I also,like a PP said never saw them differiente their feelings between straight/gay couples, but did read some additional anti-single woman aparent comments.

I also found it fascinating that they were quick to lump DIA (healthy or SN including including inheritable mental health issues and drug exposure)/Intl/FC adoption, adoptees and their issues all in one category, while separating the mothers whose children were removed from those who were coerced (their only 2 categories because voluntary relinquishment never happens). They definately supported the women whose children were removed by DHS too, coming up with creative ways to help them contact said children before they were 18 - and giving them a shoulder to cry on.

I learned alot from reading them - but had to be in the right frame of mind. I didn't see many where anyone would "agree to disagree" while I see alot of that here, even among those with vastly different opinions.

[hpfreak080]

Caths: My birthday is indeed the 6th (it is 9:00 pm on the 5th where I am). I'll try to remember to start a new thread tomorrow (well, tomorrow my time lol).

FYI, you weren't one of the people I was thinking of when I posted my last post. I haven't always agreed with what you post, but you haven't given me "the vibe" from what I remember (which isn't much, admittedly LOL). No worries =D

[me-n-u]

mothers whose children were removed from those who were coerced (their only 2 categories because voluntary relinquishment never happens).

My daughter was placed by me (was not removed nor was I coerced) and I have experienced some people online (not a.com) who believe that I am in denial or simply have not realized the coersion yet ??? They were quick to point-out that "they will be there for me when I awoke".....also, that my chances of realizing the coersion is further hindered by the continued contact I have with her parents. No room for an agreement to disagree

[RavenSong]

I've been thinking about this thread and came to the realization that maybe I haven't encountered major problems with the anti-adoption folks who are actively involved in adoption reform because I deal with them in real life, face to face. A lot of the really angry adoptees and bmoms seem to only have a Web presence---they aren't working in the trenches IRL, so to speak...they're just spouting off their mouths. The anti's I know in real life work for adoption reform, and in doing so, have to have effective communication and diplomatic skills. No legislator on either the state or federal level would listen to anything someone has to say if he or she comes across as rigid and filled with rage. Maybe that's the difference...

I have seen some of the online sites that have been mentioned here. I stay away from them mostly, although I do lurk on one fairly radical forum just to keep my ear to the ground. I know there is a Yahoo newsgroup (alt.adoption) that seems to draw some real sickos. I would never subject myself to some of those people...they're over the top in terms of rage, IMHO. I've read archived copies of the newsgroup but have never participated in it. Many of the bmoms who have voiced their opinions (neither pro-adoption or anti-adoption, but somewhere in the middle) have just been reamed to pieces and called terrible names, from what I've read.

Sometimes I imagine the adoption community as being on a spectrum. It's like there's a gradation, and most people fall somewhere in between the two ends of "pro" versus "anti".

[shadow riderer]

Originally Posted by hpfreak080

I completely realize that people here don't have a problem with me. It's more of a vibe I've gotten before that I feel like some people are saying that I'm just not "old enough" to be enlightened to my feelings about my bio-family. This may or may not be true...but it makes me wonder if other people my age who DO want to search (or have searched) are considered more enlightened...

It's kind of complicated to explain in words and like I said, it's mostly just a vibe I've gotten. Like, an adoptee couldn't possibly go their whole life without wanting to search (and, who knows, I may change my mind later...but until then, I don't wish to be considered "to young" to know my feelings).

Anyway, that was pretty off-topic. I guess I just don't feel like I fit in with the adoptees here even though everyone is very nice and respectful...I just come from too different a place than most of you. It is what it is.

Sarah, I can certainly understand why you sometimes feel that "your too young" vibe. I can't speak for everyone, but I think what we, older adoptees see in your post, isn't that you aren't really in touch with how you feel, it's sort of that we see ourselves in you when we were your age. kwim? You are a lot more like us than you think. It's just sometimes hard to see that on a message board, but if you were to meet us in person, and we got to know each other, you would see it.

As far as an adoptee of your age who wants to search being more enlightened, not so much, and sometimes not enlightened at all. I cringe when I read stuff from those labeled anti adoption, or anyone else for that matter, who thinks there is something wrong with an adoptee who, at a young age, doesn't want to search. Search and reunion is difficult enough when a person wants to search and reunite. Pushing those who aren't, is just cruel and rarely works out well for anyone, not to mention, isn't fair to those involved. Search and reunion isn't the solution to the problem it can be made out to be. It may answer questions, and sometimes fill a need inside, but it doesn't change reality.

[hpfreak080]

ya know, shadow...the more you post, the more I love you! lol...

[loveajax]

Sarah, happy birthday!! Until today I was more than twice as old as you...eek! Now I am "just" twice as old (that sounds better!). 21 is a big one....enjoy!

[hpfreak080]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Sarah, happy birthday!! Until today I was more than twice as old as you...eek! Now I am "just" twice as old (that sounds better!). 21 is a big one....enjoy!

LOL it does sound better =). You're not 'old' though, you're 'wise'.

[thanksgivingmom]

Happy birthday Sarah!!! I'm nowhere near twice your age though





Ducking from love throwing objects at me!

[DannieAS]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Sarah, happy birthday!! Until today I was more than twice as old as you...eek! Now I am "just" twice as old (that sounds better!). 21 is a big one....enjoy!

OMG that means I'm smack dab in the middle....I think there will be a time where you will be 11 years older than me and I will be 11 years older than hpfreak....excellent!

[Gwen72]

First things first....Happy Birthday Sarah!
Now on to the topic.... I have been called terrible things because I placed my first son for adoption. I have been told by other firstmom's (not on a.com) that I must be in denial because I still think adoption was the right decision for my son and I was not coerced. I have seen the websites where I would be called terrible things because I adopted my second son. For the record, I did not coerce his firstmother to place or steal her baby. I have been called "crazy" and "stupid" and "misguided" by people who have no connection to adoption but feel the need to give me their opinion on my efforts to reach out to W's firstmom and keep her in his life. They think I should be relieved that she will not respond to me instead of heartbroken about it. Some days I feel misunderstood by and isolated from everyone else as far as adoption is concerned.

[thanksgivingmom]

(((((hugs Gwen)))))

[loveajax]

I am ignoring ageist comments from spry young chickens today....haha!!

Gwen, another set of hugs! I get sensitive about remarks so I can imagine you may get doubles doses which is awful. WE know how awesome you are!