[wannabemom]

Hi everyone.

I could really use some advice. My husband and I are currently trying to adopt a newborn domestically. We are in the search phase of the process and we recently received a phone call from a birthmom whose baby-to-be is 100% Mexican.

Let me explain. We are both Caucasian. We are Italian, both with dark eyes. My husband and very dark brown hair and I have medium brown. However, neither of our complexions is dark. We did a lot of research when we started this process and we learned that we may not be the best candidates for mixed race adoption because we have a predominantly white family and live in a predominantly white neighborhood with predominantly white schools, etc. We decided after this research that we wanted to adopt a Caucasian baby, perhaps a Caucasian and Hispanic mix.

Now, however, we have been contacted by this birthmother and we are extremely confused. We feel we could love a baby of any race or nationality and we are dying to start our family, but we fear that our baby will look very different from us and find a hard time "fitting in" in our predominantly white world.

Any thoughts? Anything will help.

[karla-k]

Well, we just brought a son home from China to our very white home and neighborhood.

Lots of bio kids don't look like their parents and lots of adopted kids do look like their parents.

If you can love this child and the birthmother situation looks good to you, I would pursue things. We are not concerned with race though.

And there is no guarantee that a caucasian child will look anything like either of you or "fit in", and the same can be said of a child who is hispanic/white mix.

[OakShannon]

I think it is wonderful that you have given this so much thought.

Not looking alike and obviously being a family built through adoption is one issue. Even with dark eyes and hair, it is very likely that people will ask you questions as your child will probably be "read" as a person of color and you will continue to be "read" as white. So people with either assume you adopted or they will ask intrusive questions. It comes the the territory.

But the other issue is that, even if he could be read as your biological child, he would know he was Latino and would need roll models and peers. I think that if you and your husband really thought about this already and concluded that transracial adoption may not be the right thing for your family because of where you live, then that is probably still the right decision. Even though I KNOW how hard it is to say no when presented with a situation. Waiting is so, so hard. But somewhere there is a child who needs a family just like yours.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by OakShannon

I think it is wonderful that you have given this so much thought.

Not looking alike and obviously being a family built through adoption is one issue. Even with dark eyes and hair, it is very likely that people will ask you questions as your child will probably be "read" as a person of color and you will continue to be "read" as white. So people with either assume you adopted or they will ask intrusive questions. It comes the the territory.

But the other issue is that, even if he could be read as your biological child, he would know he was Latino and would need roll models and peers. I think that if you and your husband really thought about this already and concluded that transracial adoption may not be the right thing for your family because of where you live, then that is probably still the right decision. Even though I KNOW how hard it is to say no when presented with a situation. Waiting is so, so hard. But somewhere there is a child who needs a family just like yours.

I totally agree with this. Even a BR child who was CC and Hispanic has as much right to that Hispanic heritage as a fully Hispanic child would. It sounds like you put a lot of thought into this already, and you know the right answer even though it is so hard.

[theduncanz]

I disagree. I feel that if you really want this child and you and your husband are strong people, you can handle raising a hispanic child in a predominently white neighborhood. Speaking from experience myself as we adopted two children from foster care and although they are bi-racial, they are actually listed as African American by their birth mother as they are 3/4 AA and only 1/4 CC. There is no way anyone could even think there was a possibility that they could be ours. Both my husband and I are blond hair and blue eyes...miles from brown/black hair and deep, dark brown eyes.
If adopting from another race has taught me anything, it has taught me about their heritage, and we embrace it as much as we embrace our own. I realized that I have been missing out my whole life on all of these other experiences that I assumed was just Afican American, just hispanic, just chinese, just whatever...
It takes a strong person to adopt outside of their race, but it is worth every single day and if you and your husband really want to take that step......I encourage you 110%. One of the best days of my life was the day we adopted our two children.

[Saya]

My husband and I are CC and we have two children who are both Hispanic. We did a lot of thinking and researching before we went ahead. Some of the things we thought about were:

*Are there other families that look like ours in our area?
*Are there opportunities for our children to build good relationships with positive role models who share their ethnicity? Are there opportunities for regular social interactions with people who share their ethnicity? Will they be exposed to their birth culture, and if so how?
*Will they be constantly in situations where they are in the minority? Or where they are the sole representative of their group?
*Will they be treated differently by OUR family given that they are from a different ethnic group?

In your case, you may want to think about what you would be willing to change in your life if you brought home this baby. Would you be willing to send them to a diffrent school to ensure they weren't the only non-CC kid? Would you be willing to go to a different church (or synagogue, or whatever) that was more diverse? Would you be willing to engage AS A FAMILY with Mexican culture on a more regular basis?

I think transracial adoption, like all adoption, CAN be an amazing thing. It is certainly doable. But it's not for the faint of heart, and it will be a work in process for your whole life.

Interestingly, I'll tell you that while we made the decision relatively easily to adopt our daughter, who is 100% Hispanic, the more difficult question for us was, what about the 2nd child? When we were waiting for #2, we were asked if we wanted to be looked at for what was, in many ways, a PERFECT situation. It was a perfectly healthy baby boy, already born, both birth parents on board . . . but he was full CC. And we ended up deciding that the idea of having a family structure where 3 of us were CC and one child was not wasn't going to work for us; we wanted our children to have each other to lean on as they cope with the challenges of being transracially adopted. So we said no, and held out for baby M, who is also full Hispanic (though if you look at my signature you'll see that's not simple either ).

Feel free to PM me if you have any specific questions.

[gsxr-mama]

I know you'll make the right decision for you and your family:-)

[sambob]

If your heart is telling you to go for it, then go for it! But if there's any hesitation, even because of race, it's okay to say no. We turned down a possible match because of race, and it felt weird to do that, but we had to listen to that voice deep inside of us. FWIW, we adopted two caucasian children who don't look anything alike, and who don't look like us, either. We get comments every now and then ("where does she get that curly red hair!?"), but I suppose even bio families get comments like that, too.

[joskids]

It's probably less about race/color than it is about where you live, for me. If a child is going to be an "only" biracial/AA/Jewish, etc. student, then I think it can present an issue for that child. I would never have wanted that for our children. Although we're an interracial couple, so we pretty much had already crossed that "color line", I think it's incredibly important that our children attend very diverse schools and sports programs. They rarely even have to consider their color and how they're different from me. They know so many adopted children, interracial families, children of different cultures and religions, that it makes life a whole lot easier.

It's OK if a child's darker color would make you feel uncomfortable - you have every right to feel that way. If that isn't truthfully an issue for you, then consider if you are able to provide a truly diverse environment for your child. If so, I say go for it.

[kakuehl]

The father of my daughter's son is AA; they are no longer together. Her current fiance is CC as is she. So far it's not been a problem. (If you look closely you can find him among the grandkids in my avatar. Of course, my one son currently has 3 step-sons who are Puerto Rican in background and a son who is BR. The CC kids are the children of my bson. )

[tajmu311]

It sounds like you and your husband have already put a lot of thought into this part of your adoption, which I commend you for! As the CC parent of an AA child, I find that navigating the seas of a transracial adoption is getting more and more difficult the older he gets. At almost 4 years old, he is now noticing that he "doesn't match" either me or his dad and we have a lot of discussions about it. Unfortunately, we are in a predominately whilte area, so we have to make very intentional efforts to create diversity in his surroundings. I feel a lot more pressure to adopt again (which we WANT to do, but cannot afford) because he is the only AA member of our family.

So, my question would be this. What is it about this situation that is changing the decision you already made? I know how hard it is to wait, we all do. The 365 days that we waited were the most difficult of my life. However, it is so important that you not compromise on decisions you had already made simply to match more quickly. This child will be with you forever.

There is nothing wrong with deciding that you are not able/comfortable to parent a child of another race or ethnicity. Don't compromise that judgement based on desperation. No one will win.

Good luck and best wishes on your journey!

[jcm]

It's great you have put so much thought into this. Best piece of advice we got early on from our social worker: if you decide to adopt outside of your race, know that forever your family will be changed, racially. All babies and children are cute, but what happens when that child grows up, begins to identify with their race/culture, and begins dating. How will you feel then? How will you feel if they marry another race, and your grandchildren are of a different race?

Our agency will not allow parents to pick a child who is only 1/2 AA if they are not willing to take a child who is full AA. The reasoning is that no matter what races the child is mixed with, ALL parts are important.

My DD's first dad is AA, her first mom is 1/2 Hispanic & 1/2 Caucasian. She looks very different from DH & I, who are about as lily white as you can get. When we first brought her home, we got comments ALL the time. Now, she is 9 months old, when out with DH & I, we get a lot of stares and some comments. When it's just DD & I, people must assume my DH is AA or Hispanic. Funny though, 95% of people that comment about her are AA, and it's usually older ladies who can't stop gushing about how pretty she is.

You know yourself, DH, and family...and what you can handle. Don't take on something you don't feel prepared to handle. As someone else pointed out, it gets trickier the older they get. Something I am having a hard time dealing with lately is always having to explain my family. Since we clearly have a little brown baby, we stand out when we are out together. So we will always be advocates for adoption, whether we want to or not.

I love my DD to the moon and back, and I would not change a thing about her or our story, but I know my DH and I were prepared going into a transracial adoption. And we now laugh at our naive selves of nine months ago.

Trust your gut. Saying no because of race and all it's attendant issues does NOT make you a bad person.

[SupaModel]

It really is great you are thinking about it and being honest to yourself. I'm AA and DH is CC and our son is 3/4 AA & 1/4 CC which I consider just AA but my agency called him BR.

When we first started out we ONLY wanted a BR child because we wanted the child to look like he/she came from us. During the waiting I realized that I wanted to be a mom more than anything so we decided that race didnt matter. Well turns out my sons complexion is a cross between mine and DH so he actually looks like he could be our bio child. No one EVER guesses he's adopted.

That being said now we realize that DOES matter to us. We like that fact that we dont have to explain our adoption story to every stranger on the streets. We actually feel it's easier in a lot of ways. So if we ever decided to adopt again I think we will still go for a BR child. Our neighborhood is 99% CC (actually got voted in local magazine as the whitest area in SF. HA!) Our friends are probably 98% CC. So I understand your concerns. I feel because I'm AA I can be there for my son but trust me I have thought about hows its going to be for him growing up in this area.

I think no matter what do whats best for you. Don't settle because you just want a baby. Trust me think it through and stick to your guns if they are really important to you. Everyone is not meant to be a transracial family. It takes a lot of work. Good luck with whatever you decide though. Like JCM said saying no because of race doesnt make you a bad person at all! I think its great your thinking everything through.

[Betelnut]

Good for you for thinking about the topic and preparing yourself. I adopted a little girl from Guatemala so obviously I don't think race/ethnicity should be an impediment to adoption. It is just something that needs consideration and a willingness to think about race and ethnicity on a deeper level then you may have had to do before.

Sooo, with that said, in my mind, the fact that you are calling the baby 100% Mexican means maybe you aren't yet ready for a transracial or trans-cultural adoption. Adoptions from Mexico are rare--don't you mean 100% Hispanic or Latino/a? Or Mexican-American?

You see? If you are having doubts, maybe it would be better to wait.

[millie58]

Great that you're thinking about it. If you don't want to change your lifestyle to include Hispanics, AA, or other people of color, I would say stick with CC babies. Your family would still be CC and the child wouldn't stick out because of race or ethnicity. There's nothing wrong with that. At least you're thinking about it. do what is right for your family.