[EricaScorch]

Hi - I am a foster mom in Reno, Nevada. We've mostly had babies but my natural son is 6 1/2 and we want to adopt a brother. Social Services is moving a boy who will be 5 in two weeks to my house . . . I meet him on Friday morning. Problem is . . . his current foster family has had him for 2 years - not interested in adopting him (they're in their 50's I'm told). Anyway - I'm told he is strongly attached to them but his current FM decided to tell him that he is being moved before he'd even met us. Now, according to his worker, he's terrified.

Foster mom will not let us come meet him in her home, making the initial meeting that much more awkward. I am meeting him at a park on Friday morning. What I need is ANY ideas, suggestions, on how to approach this poor kid who already doesn't want me . . . I just don't want to make it any worse.

Ideas? PLEASE? ~Erica in Reno

[Barksum]

Try posting this in the Special Needs forum as many of the parents over there adopted from foster care and have good ideas for transitioning.

Here's a link I found just this month that I wish I'd had when we first adopted, but it's more about once your kiddo is home with you. Deborah D Gray - Ten Tips Article

For transitioning, try to find out the routine that the current FM has. Times, routines, key phrases, (is it 'supper' or 'dinner') etc. Also try to keep some item that smells like the current home. For us it was often a teddy bear (stuffed animal) or a blanket that they slept with. I didn't wash the blanket for as long as possible so the smells stayed on the item as long as possible. You might find out what kind of laundry soap/fabric softener the FM uses, too.

Be prepared for your new son to grieve. You might do some research on how children grieve as it doesn't look the same in adults. Be willing to talk about his previous experiences in a non-judgemental way and to support him as he works through these things.

For the first meeting...uh...we always seemed to be at a loss!! LOL A photo album is good, or a video of your family, with full face shots and showing your home and neighborhood. Simple, though, not too elaborate as that can be overwhelming. Perhaps bring a game to play with him at the park, or a ball, hula hoop, or sidewalk chalk. Snacks? Does your cw have any suggestions as well?

It was always awkward for me when we first met out kids. Not sure that one can totally smooth that over, but some were more awkward/less awkward, just depending on the circumstances. I did usually try to take something for the FM's - a card, some flowers, some small token. You don't have to take that on the first visit, of course, but it's nice to have something.

[EricaScorch]

Thanks for the suggestions - I will try that forum - at this point I'm not even thinking about the transition - I just wanna get through the initial meeting! Thanks again.

[vernellinnj]

I've had my FC for several years (don't even ask) so I can imagine what it's like for the child who you will be meeting. I am hoping to adopt.

I agree with PP. Take it slow. Maybe take a small photo book to go through as a way of introducing your family. Include pictures of your home, family, pets, neighborhood playground, etc.

P.S. Are you certain that the FPs didn't want to adopt? Is it possible that they were not given that oppotunity? I really hope his FM can come around and begin to aid you in the meeting/transition.

[RebeccaInOR]

Honestly, if foster mom won't let you go to her home and has terrified the child, I don't think you can reasonably expect a good transition. Unless the worker is fibbing....I've had that happen. Sometimes they cover for their own mistakes.

At any rate I'd wait and see how the meeting goes. If the foster mom is being toxic to the transition then I'd push to make it as quick as possible. Usually longer transitions are better but how can that happen if they won't let you in their home?

I'd quickly set up a plan. Expect him to be a tornado of grief. Keep his schedule simple. See if you can't charm out of foster mom his daily schedules, food, and comfort items. Ask them for a good-bye letter and tell them you are open to visits. I'd think about claiming gestures.

One of mine came from a pretty lousy foster home. He was attachment disordered. I definitely tried to claim him but actually it was his siblings he attached to first. If you are adopting in part because a child wants a brother, then do everything you can to foster that relationship. BRING THAT child to the first visit! Focus on the two of them....it will be safer for him to attach first to a sibling, in my experience.

He will be miserable for a time. In the end it will be worth it.

[EricaScorch]

Thank you vernellinnj . . .
I am told the FP's are just foster - their kids are all grown and although they are very fond of him - they say they just can't start over. But I think FM is very conflicted - how could she not be? It is so hard to have to say, "No, I can't keep you." We all know that too well. SS wanted them to keep him, but . . . I guess it's just not an option for them.

Hi, RebeccaInOR.
After I agreed to take him - the worker scheduled a conference call with the FM. We called her about 10 minutes past the scheduled time (they wanted to make sure I had all my questions ready) and then she never answered the phone. For an hour. I'm sure something came up but . . . so then they were trying to get his schedule but she wouldn't respond so yesterday the worker said she had to get licensing involved to compel FM's participation.

They want to transition in just two weeks for these reasons. We have something scheduled every couple of days for the next 2 weeks, so we'll see.

First meeting I had planned for it to be just him and I at a park - I am bringing a little album. I was going to not introduce my son until the second meeting but if you guys think that's a mistake - would love to know.

I'm sure the FM is a good person - however she is a member of both a very tight and closed cultural group, as well as a member of a very private and devout religious group.

Crossing my fingers - thanks so much you guys.

[pezcmw03]

when you meet him......take it slow, don't overwhelm him. be interested but don't ask him tons of questions. talk in simple sentences. be near him but don't crowd him. let him get use to you. if you bring your son, it could be a good 'buffer' and let the child see that you can be fun and that you are a nice, safe person.

good luck!!!

[RebeccaInOR]

I just wanted to say you are so aware of issues, you will do awesome, really.

If you know what devout religious faith she is part of, I'd research them to find out food, customs, etc. For instance there are some seventh day around here and I know plenty of kids raised on peanut loaf and other 7-day foods. If he goes to another church take him there.

The foster mom might be super conflicted if she has declined to adopt but her much-loved child is going to the home of heathens (sorry to put it that way, I have dealt with that situation). Maybe write her a very nice letter and send it asap? I got a letter like that once from a birth mom and it turned my thinking around. You could write her how excited you are to adopt, how much love you have and how so very very very thankful you are that she cared for this precious child....there are no words for her love. And ask for her help (and future contact). Express a lot how you want him to stay in touch.

I'd still recommend taking your other child, but only if you feel he would have the right qualities for a first visit. If you might worry over his feelings and behavior I'd definitely wait. I took my other kids to meet each of mine but I knew they were prepared to claim.

Also, if he isn't in therapy consider lining that up now. A school counselor is good if he will be going to a new school to help him adapt.

Oh one more thing, try taking pictures of his new room. Kids like to see where they will be sleeping. It comforts them. Good luck you will do great!!!

[Barksum]

Erica, every transition starts with a first visit. The Spec. Needs parents will all have suggestions for the first visit, including some "what not to do's" based on experience. They've also had experience with wonderful foster moms who smoothed the transitions, and the exact opposite. And everything in between.

Having something to do often is very helpful, so going to the park can be a great way to start out. Adding in a game that takes a little participation between the two (or three, if you take your Ds) of you helps to smooth over those awkward moments.

[MommaJMJ]

My five year old tells me Bakugans are really cool - I guess its a toy and a show on tv. What about a toy? Maybe some sweets? If he remembers you positively from the first meeting it will help. We brought toys and photo albums to every initial meeting. Our AS was younger though. I would put photos of you guys having fun in the album, not just posed pics. Do you have a video camera? Ours stores some and you can play it back. You might have your older son record a video you can show to FS if you don't want to bring your older son to that first meeting.

Good luck, that is very exciting news!!

[EricaScorch]

Thanks so much you guys - I have made a little photo album and I will buy him a gift on my way home tonight. I think I will write a letter to his FM to try to crack open the line of communication - I will let you know tomorrow how it goes tomorrow . . . thanks again. :-)

[EricaScorch]

We had our meeting today - and though it got off to a slow start (T was very shy at first), by the end of the play date my son and T were as thick as thieves!!!! And his FM is great too - not at all how I expected her to be! T even looks like my son - not that THAT matters but it's nice to not have to answer questions or ignore the curious stares you get when you have a child with you who is clearly not related to you . . . so YAY! Next play date is Monday - already can't wait - thanks again everyone!