[brooklyn_girl]

We are matched and eMom is due in Dec.

But I've only told my boss and my immediate family. It's really strange, last time we were matched, I told everyone I knew, but then I also had to tell everyone I knew that things fell through when all I wanted was my privacy and that wasn't fun. So I feel like I'm protecting myself this time by not sharing too much. But I also feel like it's not as much fun to keep things quiet, like I'm not letting myself get excited and that is spoiling the anticipation of this baby coming into our lives that we've waited several years for!

Can anyone relate to this situation? Would love to hear your thoughts...

[aclee]

the first time I was pregnant I told everyone, and when I found out I miscarrying at 11 weeks I then had to tell everyone that too. The second time I got pregnant I only told my SO at the time, and when I miscarried that time I was able to grieve privately. I completely understand, and I think it's totally normal to be more hesitant after you have been so badly hurt.

[Barksum]

We were wildly excited the first time we were waiting to hear if we were matched and told everyone about the whole thing. We adopted through foster care, so it was done via a committee process. Anyway, we were not matched the first...oh, 4 times or so that we were considered by various committees so we did get a bit more wary and not open up so much with each successive non-match.

It was also sometimes hard to feel too excited because we'd not been matched so many times. And it hurt. When we were matched, for sure!, and on the way to meet our kids THEN I'd get excited.

Your response sounds normal to me - but I've been told I'm not normal!

Sorry, had to come back and rewrite some phrases that didn't make sense! LOL All that waiting did pay off and now I'm pretty pooped by the end of the day! The brain seems to shut down while I'm still typing at times.

[becky]

I felt the exact same way. Our first match fell through very quickly when we received some additional info from the attorney that the agency had not shared with us. But I had still managed to tell a lot of people...so it was hard.

This time I haven't told anyone we matched. I think when I finally travel in December and bring back a baby, that's when they will know. Everyone knows we are adopting...they just won't know when!!

Hubby and I talked about it yesterday and I told him that I thought that if this situation does not work out I am probably through...I do not think I can go through it all again....

[KLL08]

I think its totally normal. We had 2 failed matches before S. And it was soo difficult to tell people after them. The 2nd match were a day away from picking him up because he was a waiting baby, nursery was ready clothes packed. With our daughter, we told people we were close to we matched but I didn't allow myself to buy anything for her room and just a few outfits to bring her home in. When she was born I had to send my mom and husband to the store to buy carseat and bottles I was terrified that if we bought anything before she was "ours" it would fail again.

We have only told my close family this time about a possible situation we are waiting to hear back on, because we weren't quite looking to adopt again until next fall/winter. I just hate explaining things didn't work out.

[Stormster]

We were the same, sort of, first match was VERY quick (instant really!), the placement failed after a week and I did tell a lot of people because i needed to talk about it.

Our following two matches were soooooo long we HAD to tell people. I was travelilng for visits etc but for sure we tried to be matter of fact about it, like "if this works out".

So we did let people know but we were more reserved and def. used different language such as "if the baby's mother decided she wants us to parent after baby is born" etc...

I will say it was mighty satisfying when TPR was signed not only for the normal reasons but because DH's sister was very skeptical all along that it would ever happen. She really took the wind out of my sails at times!

Anyway, yes totally normal! I mean TOTALLY!

[Waiting_for_my_baby]

I'm actually in the same position you are right now! We had our 2nd failed match in Sept. So when we were quickly matched again, we only told about 4 people, 2 of which are our moms. We are slowly telling some others as time is going on. Baby is due at the end of the month. Hopefully everyone will understand why we did not share.

[brooklyn_girl]

Thanks everyone. Good to hear others have felt this way too.

DH's sister was very skeptical all along that it would ever happen. She really took the wind out of my sails at times!

OMG Stormster, I have a close relative who is definitely not sending positive vibes either! I think my family is doing what I'm doing, trying not to get excited...but they say crazy stuff sometimes.

Becky, I also don't know if we can handle more than one more failed adoption either. I know people do it, don't know if I can! So, fingers crossed for both of us!

[becky]

I feel like one way or another we will know something soon. Our emom seems very sincere and sure of her decision, but of course we all know that can change at the hospital...so we will see!

[Cjmeck]

I can only compare your feelings to my numerous miscarriages, which I do think is similiar. With the first 2 pregnancies, I told the world. Then, I had to untell everyone. So after that, I told nobody except my immediate family until it was obvious that I could not hide it anymore. I think you should tell only those people who you feel would be supportive of you in your grief should this match fail too. So, when I did eventually go on to miscarrying several more times, I'm glad I told my mom. Yes, I had to untell her but I also needed someone to talk to about my grief and I'm glad I could share that with her. Its not fair to not be able to really plan or enjoy the anticipation of a new baby in your life; but such is pregnancy after a loss and adoption. Hang in there

[mom2samuel]

We had two failed placements within 6 weeks time. Since we had been with both babies, taking care of them, etc, the grief we felt was HORRIBLE. Unfortunately, LOTS of people knew each time, which made it harder on us in a way, because we got all that "sympathy" talk and love when we returned. I know everyone meant well, but I'm a teacher, and everytime someone tried to talk to me about it, I was just falling apart all over again. 6 months later, when we matched again, we didn't share it with many people. Luckily the match was only about 4 or 5 weeks, and it did work out. It was fun to surprise everyone with our little guy.

What you are feeling is VERY normal.....you have to prepare yourself for what MIGHT happen, and that can be easier by not having to prepare everyone else, too.

Goodluck!
Michelle

[kara05kara]

I think you're normal. We had a failed match, and when we were told a few days later that we had been picked for a "baby-born" situation, I still didn't tell people. Which lead to a very weird moment at work 2 days later when I walked into the office, told people I got a baby yesterday, and that I was taking the next 6 weeks off!

Do whatever feels right for you!

Natalie

[OnTheJourney]

Our first time adopting, we were fearful of things failing or going wrong. We kept our DS's arrival a secret (employer and grandparents were the only ones who knew) until a few days after he was home. I have to admit, having that secret and then springing it on everyone that we were parents was A LOT of FUN!!! The next time around, we were on a bit of a roller coaster with situations and calls and a brief match that failed, so once again we kept thing quite until our DD was born and on her way home. Again, lots of fun! lol

For me I kinda look at it as everyone knows Chiristmas is coming (they all know we are adopting) but it is fun to anticipate the reaciton that people have when your loved ones open up that awesome gift and it is right there in fron tof them and everyone sees. OK, corney example, but kinda like that.

So this time around, we haven't really even been telling people we are applying yet. We causually metion it a bit, but don't really say...

I think we do this withthe underlying reason to protect our hearts and be able to greive in private if something does happen. But rather then to look at it that way, we prefer to look at it as we have so much fun with the surprise at teh end!

[brooklyn_girl]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. This board is so great. Appreciate it

[mkviola]

I can completely relate. We didn't plan on telling anyone this time around, except our moms. Then, we got the call that we were chosen on the day DH's mom passed. It was that little bit of hope in new life, so we did tell our families and friends.