[crick]

Posted for SUZIEBEARHUGS

I have some concerns with the fact that my daughters birthmom now has my dd's birthsister (that she is parenting) attending the same school as my dd.
One of our boundaries is that we are always present during a visit with her birthfamily.

With her dd attending the same school & dd having contact with them w/out us and more frequently, we are re-committing to a relationship far above our comfort level. We are willing to try it out and see what happens.

Poll question - Would you allow your achild to attend K-12 school with a birth sibling?

[joskimo]

I didn't respond because I feel 2 ways I wouldn't if the other child was raised by the bioparents, but I would if the other child was adopted. My daughter has several sibs - 2 not adopted, not really raised by mom, more like grandma as far as we can tell, and 4 others adopted at birth. I've gotten close to those families although we live thousands of miles away. My soon-to-be son also has sibs in other adoptive homes and I'd allow that too - but they live in another community - closer than my daughter's sibs.

[calpal]

Our son currently attends the same grade school as our daughter's birth sister. They did totally confuse one classmate when discussing how they are related. It works well for us, but we have a pretty open adoption. Next year our daughter will attend the school as well. She is excited about getting to go to school with her sister as well as her brother.

[Suziebearhugs]

Thank you Crick for creating this.

Interesting to see others votes and opinions. Would love to hear more reasons for or against.

[loveajax]

suzie, i voted that i am in an OA and would not want this. I think it would be too"personal" for me to explain why. anyway, the reality is that you should do what you feel comfortable with...and my situation and yours could be completely different.

it sounds like you are going to see how it plays out, and if that's the case, i would just encourage you to keep an open mind, but do what you think is best for your dd. good luck!

[ocracoke]

I didn't respond as it doesn't really apply to my situation -- international adoption. However, I was in a closed adoption as a kid but since it was a foster older child placement I knew who my bio family was. In 5th grade we moved to a small town and it didn't take me long to realize that one of my bio mom's cousins was a teacher at my new school. She taught a lower school so there was no fear of me getting her as a teacher. She did not now my name so she did not know who I was. I watched her for just about two years before I approached her and told her who I was. I would have ended up going to the same high school as some of my bio cousins if my step mom had not gotten an out of state job right before I entered 9th grade. I had no qualms about that. And actually my older sister did attend that high school with one of our bio cousins. But since they ran in separate crowds it was not an issue.

Samantha

[sissyminsky]

My concerns would be:

1. everyone always says not to commit to more openness than you feel comfortable with - it is hard to move backwards with this

2. the children might have unsupervised contact - they know different versions of the story (two sides of the same coin) - when I was 8, I was in a similar situation where a 9 year old cousin revealed her version of my family's situation - while the basis of what she said was not untrue, I was unaware of some things and it hurt to hear it in her tone and in a relatively public situation. I resented all the adults who were involved in what I perceived as lying to me -so i personally would want my children to be getting personal information from adults only (DH and I or birthfamily) in a relatively private setting

I know making this choice in the middle of the year has to be hard - even with my feelings I would have to weigh moving my child with the other factors too. Is the school private- I am asking because K-12 seems like it might be. If so, there may be other reasons you have chosen this particular education that may outweigh this one factor as well.

Good luck!

[ourdreamcametru]

I voted no, but in an open adoption. Our daughter's bmother knows where we live and we have a wonderful relationship, she has no other children. My concern at the moment would be that she dates some shade people, this of course could change later but for now I would not feel comfortable, more with her "better halves" than her and her family.

[sunshinemomma]

I voted that my child has been in the same school and I would not do this.

This was based on a disruption and and a disturbing trauma bond between the two children. I threatened to pull my daughter out of the school even though it is our very small community school that I am VERY involved with both the community and the school. He was being trucked in from across town. They finally moved him but it was a disaster for my daughter while he was there but that was because of the relationship between the two and the very painful family dynamic. She could not handle the emotional drain and get ANY school work done. She was immoblized with him there and it affected her every single day.

We may be faced with it again in high school and I am really hoping that his Dad will keep him in in another school.

If it was her little 1/2 sister with whom she is developing a healthy relationship with, I still would not do it. Not with a birth parent picking up and dropping off and just generally being that involved. I do not think that I am controlling but it would leave too many situations where it would be out of my parental control of interactions and being able to be sure that healthy boundaries are being maintained. And then if they are not, how does the situation get handled without drama that just does not belong in my child's school environment. It is hard enough for them to do school work, learn social skills with their peers and they do not need family/birthfamily baggage on them in that environment. IMHO

[lovemy2boys]

I know I answered Susie on the other thread...I answered yes here, but I guess it would be "Yes, depending on which family we were talking about."

We have a relationship with one of my boys' firstmoms that would absolutely make me feel that this would work out just fine. I would have no problems at all with it. In fact, my son's firstmom has a half brother and sister who very well may be enrolling in the school, which means that she will be there for games, special days, etc. We are all ok with it, but then again, we all have the same feelings/outlook on our relationship and how we share it with others.

OTOH, our relationship with my other son's mom is not "there". Because of things in the past, and even now, I don't think it would be a good idea. I don't think she'd ever purposely or maliciously do anything to cause trouble, but she does have boundary issues, and is often quite abrasive and invasive...I would worry that it would affect not just OUR relationship, but would possibly have further reaching consequences.

As for the birthdads, same thing. One yes, one not so crazy about the idea, because I'd worry how the ongoing problems would affect my son.

I guess for me, it would be about comfort level, and making sure we are all on the same page as far as expectations.

[makarios79]

I just found out TODAY that my kids have a birth cousin @ their school. How did I discover that you might ask? Their birth aunt recognized my oldest son Boogy when I was walking him to his class this morning...The first thing she said was I am going to tell his dad I saw him...ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now their whole birth family is going to know that they are there!!!

I AM NOT A HAPPY CAMPER!!!

I don't want them showing up their to that school trying to see my kids. I still send updates/pics, but I'm still not allowing visits...Poor B was looking all bewildered this morning when we were bombarded by his birth aunt.

Ya'll know the struggles I have a had with this child...He is finally stable and not having everyday abandonment issues. Who knows what seeing them will do....

I've already notified the school and teachers etc... and I'm really praying that it won't be any issues....but I am going to play it by ear..Really praying I won't have to move them to a new school.....

[Suziebearhugs]

You know I never considered what the girls might say to each other, or their friends, wether it will be good/bad/half-truths/lies etc. I was considering more the adults in the picture but you are very right. That is something to think about. Maybe not this moment when they are both so young but this is a k-12 school. They will likely have plenty of time together as they get older, as pre-teens, as teenagers to hang out and who knows what they will talk about with each other and others.

What happens if they get in a fight with each other as most friends and siblings do and then set out to hurt each other and spread rumors etc.

So many questions and no real answers because you just never know till it happens or not.

I know at some point you have to let go of the leash on your kids and allow them to develope their own relationships but I do also agree that, that should not be happening in a school environment. I have never brought their birthfamilies into the school environment before for that purpose. But now?

[BrandyHagz]

I wouldn't want my daughter attending my son's school - but it's because my daughters mother is unstable and I don't want her/their situation to reflect on me.

I'm also uncomfortable with the way my daughter treats my son. Her parents have made parenting decisions that are much different than my own and I don't really care to have my son exposed to that kind of thing.

I also, however, realize that my son goes to school with a LOT of people I wouldn't want him hanging out with...so I guess it would come down to me having to be the 'mean mom' - which I would do if it came down to it.

I'd like to think our OA is open enough that we'd have this conversation in advance of them actually relocating to my area and attending school - but I also know that people with mental health issues don't always do things that make sense...

[portlowski]

This is entirely theoretical for me as my son's birth parents (not together anymore) do not have any other children.

If DS's bmom were to have another child with her current fiance, I would probably be fine with it. We have a great relationship and they are healthy people who make good choices. We are all also very open DS's adoption and there are no painful secrets to come out.

I might feel differently about it if DS's bdad had a kid because his life is not stable and we have never met the rest of his family...apparently some of them are living very dysfunctional lives.

It is extremely unlikely that we will ever have to face this issue so who knows how I would feel if it were to happen.

[mumofone]

We have 3 open (albeit at different levels) adoptions, and I don't think I'd have a problem going to the same school.

Having said that, we have one child whose adoption is closed, and closed for a good reason, so I'd be very uncomfortable if that were to happen. As it is, I try to limit public pics of her, etc. She is very recognizable as she didn't go into care until she was 18 months old, but TPR didn't occur until 2 years later.