[Hollygirl]

I am mainly a lurker here. I haven't posted in 2 years. I had to get the opinion of some folks in the triad, though....

I came across a forum about pregnancy and ttc. I was reading through one particular thread and came across some comments made by a few women who have given birth to biological children but who are experiencing difficulty with additional children. They started joking about how they could adopt if someone would just bring them a "spare baby". I responded with a comment about how they should research some positive adoption language before they start the process and I got a lot of rude comments about how I was rude and one even said they understand adoption completely because they know there are tons of abused kids. My response was that my children weren't spare babies to their bmom and they were definetly not ever abused by her.

Is it an over-reaction on my part to be so horribly offended by their use of a term like "spare baby".

[hpfreak080]

i defintely think it makes the bmom of the "spares" look like an unfeeling speck of dirt and/or like a baby machine (ick)...

From an adoptee standpoint, I'm most certainly not the extra #2 pencil that you HAVE to use because the point on your other pencil broke during the test...

I understand they were joking, but a gentle reminder doesn't sound too uncalled for in that situation. I've noticed in life that when people call others out on something or remind someone of something that the receiver tends to get defensive and think the other person is "mean" or "rude" (I've done this myself).

I don't exactly what you said, but being gentle in telling them that your children/adoptees are not just "spare babies" doesn't sound rude from here (though I may be a bit biased LOL).

[crick]

I don't think it's an overreaction at all. I mean, if you were rude and popped off with stuff, I could see that, but to make an educational point I think was perfectly fine.

I've noticed a lot of this "trend" amongst those sites though. Unfortunately for them it IS about that baby and no matter what they have to do to get that baby they will. I would gather that most are really nice but uneducated people in adoption and yet their emotions with their fertility and trying to conceive are so high, they are only focused on that baby. kwim? And obviously the Lifetime Bmom Stereotype is unfortunately rampant. sigh.

Not an excuse mind you...just saying. So I think it was great for you to say "hey, you might want to consider adoption language/mindset".

[MamaS]

Perhaps you might want to consider the context. Prince William and Prince Harry of Great Britain are called "The Heir and The Spare" by the press. I do not think it was meant offensively?

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by MamaS

Perhaps you might want to consider the context. Prince William and Prince Harry of Great Britain are called "The Heir and The Spare" by the press. I do not think it was meant offensively?

Yes I'm sure Harry isn't offended one bit by that. Anyway he's not adopted so it's not really applicable (he may or may not be biological son of Prince Charles.)

The British (on the whole) are not known for their sensitivity, trust me I know!

[Dickons]

I for one pity those 'spares' if they are adopted by someone who considers adopted babies as 'spares'. I would wonder if they don't bond right away if they will just toss them aside cuz they are just 'spares' after all.

When will some people understand that adoption is to find families for babies - not babies for families?

You were correct in calling them on it - thanks from an adoptee...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Steph-Jason]

I don't think you overreacted at all. Also- from what you've said above I think you went about correcting them with alot more tact than I could have managed! I think they are just upset because someone called them on their comments. I thnk you did the right thing.

[Fran27]

I'm part of several forum and I can tell you that none of them 'gets' what I talk about on the other forums. And none of them really likes it when I try to educate them, even when i actually make an effort to be polite.

So no, I don't think you overreacted, I just think it's often a lost cause... People are just not interested about other topics to bother being PC about it sometimes.

[crick]

I was thinking about this a bit more so wanted to reply again.

I think it's the site and the context that make me feel these people need to be educated. However, I can totally see me joking around with a friend who might say something like "You got 4, so what's 1 more? Want my next spare kid?" And it would be a joke I'd laugh at with this friend. kwim?

But on a fertility website where I do think there are an awful lot of uneducated people in regards to adoption and terminology, I can see myself educating them as well.

[Barksum]

I avoid certain forums, and certain sites, because they are not great places for me to hang out. The language, the situations, etc. are not the same as mine and their view points are vastly different, just because of their vastly different experiences. There is no way I can 'be heard' because they don't get it, so I have nothing to add that they want to know.

[Steph-Jason]

Originally Posted by crick

I was thinking about this a bit more so wanted to reply again.

I think it's the site and the context that make me feel these people need to be educated. However, I can totally see me joking around with a friend who might say something like "You got 4, so what's 1 more? Want my next spare kid?" And it would be a joke I'd laugh at with this friend. kwim?

But on a fertility website where I do think there are an awful lot of uneducated people in regards to adoption and terminology, I can see myself educating them as well.

You're absolutly right on this.

[loveajax]

I belong to an IF group and have said a lot of "unPC" things, including asking friends to let me have one of their unexpected twins. I wonder if in context these people "knew" each other and were comfortable saying things like that sort of jokingly. I also remember after being approved for our HS saying, "Where is my BLEEPING baby?!" that I am sure would be viewed here as "entitled" but was really just my attempt at black humor.

I do think if you "know" people and they say things that are offensive, it is OK to call them on it. I have had several "friends" talk about "settling" for adoption, and I always talk about how I never feel like I "settled," and just am so blessed to have DD (and I have to bite my tongue and say, "your little pasty whiny kid could never compare to my gorgeous and brilliant girl" but I don't...hahah).

Btw, I don't think you overreacted at all...just wondering if maybe in context these people were joking when talking about "spare" kids. I found humor really helped me thru IF (and elsewhere!). And also, I think their "defensive" responsives about abused kids just show that they are clueless and statements like that would really offend me.

[alinev]

Do we as adoptive parents really have a never ending need to reeducate the world? I never cease to be amazed at what people believe about anything, religion, politics, sexuality, end of life issues, much less adoption. The only time I get upset about any negative adopton commentary is when it is in front of my children - other then that, I view any adoption related issues much the same way I would political or religious postions that differ from mine and let it go.

[crick]

Alinev - Just speaking for myself, I don't necessarily feel a need to educate all the time but I guess I look at it more like a way to make life a bit better for my children. Sometimes it's not the belief system I'm trying to change (because often that can be a fruitless process) but rather the expression of it.

I agree with you in that people's opinions are their own and they are entitled to them, but if I my child's parent don't stand up for them in general, then who will? kwim?

Anyone who knows me irl knows I can take a joke as well as make them, but sometimes a joke can go too far or sometimes a person is just truly an idjit and me being me will call them on it. Just the way I can be.

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by alinev

Do we as adoptive parents really have a never ending need to reeducate the world? I never cease to be amazed at what people believe about anything, religion, politics, sexuality, end of life issues, much less adoption. The only time I get upset about any negative adopton commentary is when it is in front of my children - other then that, I view any adoption related issues much the same way I would political or religious postions that differ from mine and let it go.

You know, I think a lot of the time, it's not so much a set belief as a lack of experience. They've just never given it much thought before. So a little gentle education can open their eyes, KWIM? I don't beat my head against a wall with someone who has strong beliefs that run counter to mine. But in this case, I would have said something too. I would hope that people would do the same for me if the shoe was on the other foot.