[Saya]

My husband has a job in another state (and has for many years). We've talked about moving there, but 1) my job is here and I make more money, and 2) all of our family and friends are here, and frankly we think where we live now is better for raising kids. More and more having him away so often is taking a toll on the family. He is miserable and prone to depression, I am exhausted being a single parent AND working full-time outside the home for half the week every week, and it really impacts A to have daddy away so much. We are also waiting for kiddo #2, although of course we have no idea when that will happen.

He has been regularly looking for jobs in our area, but now we are thinking seriously about him quitting his job next year, even if he doesn't have a new job yet. Are we insane? I guess it would be one thing if we knew when our second child was coming along, and the reasoning would be needing him home as a SAHD. But this would be really just be for mental health reasons for the whole family, at least until #2 comes along.

The job he has is prestigious in his field - leaving it would shock a lot of people. He might have to leave his field all together. (Which he would be OK with, or so he says.)

This is so tempting, but I don't want to make bad choices, especially in this economy.

What do you guys think? And if you've gone from 2 incomes to 1, for whatever reason, how did you make it work?

[dawnrenee58]

I have to tell you, I really tried to be a carreer woman, I did. I got a degree (still glad I did that!) and worked for about 4 years after college. But AS SOON as i knew we were adopting, I was more than happy to quit working. I didn't mind working, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE staying home. I can't imagine it any other way. Sometimes I feel like I am setting the feminist movement back a few dozen years, but I love it! I think, if your DH is going to be happy, you are ok with it, and you can afford it, go for it! I think as long as it works for your family, nothing else matters!

What is his field, if you don't mind me asking? I only wanted to know because sometimes there are ways to bring in some $$ but still not be "working". For several years I tutored online, it was steady work in the fall and winter, and we could plan around it. Now I am teaching Pilates classes, and making pretty good money!! I only work about 5 hours a week, but make as much as I was while tutoring. The gym where I work has a small childcare room, so the boys go in there for an hour while I play. It really is the perfect setup for us! I am going to be going tot he classes anyways, may as well be getting paid for it! Is there any way your husband can do contract or per diem work?

[reetoreet]

We did it and it wasn't easy at first. I didn't make nearly as much as DH but my income covered the gas for our cars, childcare, and spending money. For 2 months before I left my job we did a trial run and put my entire paycheck in the bank, just to see what it would be like living on one income. It worked! We had come money in the bank for emergencies and without the daycare and gas costs (I drove 90 miles round trip to work) we almost broke even. Plus with me being home we ate at home more and I made lunches instead of ordering out and we save money that way. At least with the trial run you would know if you make it with one income. I really hope things work out for you guys!

[loveajax]

If you can afford it and DH is unhappy and you are too (I would be going bonkers if DH travelled that much!), then go for it.

I just want to share a particularly "unfeminist" (is that a word) time I had when I went back to work. DH (who is self employed) was staying home with DD on Fridays (we had other family do day care the other days). As I would be driving off to work, I would be ANGRY that he was home and not me. I know it's totally irrational, but I just wanted to throw that out there as sort of my own "unexpected" revelation!! (fortunately, I'm the one now who works 4 days a week!).

Good luck!!

[aclee]

We went from two incomes to one, but did it more slowly than me just quitting. I don't know what field he is in, but could he potentially do any work locally, as a contractor, or even in a different field that he might enjoy.

I won't lie, sometimes I miss two incomes and the ability to just spend what we want, when we want to. When I was making as much as DH, we lived well...now, things are tighter for sure, but it was really important to us. One thing that I would caution is that if he has a history of any depression that when/if he becomes a SAHD, he has lots of support or activities. Being a SAHM was all I ever wanted, but when it finally happened, it was sort of like...now what? This is it? What do I do. It can be very isolating. I would think for a SAHD, it could be even more isolating!

I think you really have to just decide what is the most important to you...honestly, the money might be an easier part of it than you think. I spent a lot of money on lunches at work, commuting, daycare, etc...so not spending all that helps...

[mumofone]

DH works in health care, and while we were waiting for #2, he picked up a casual position for extra income so that when #2 came, I could quit working. His casual position paid way more than my part-time salary. For us, it was the best decision.

We have been doing this for almost 5 years...it works, but it's tough sometimes. We are lucky in that DH can accept/refuse shifts at his casual job. They are very accommodating and realize he does work two jobs.

[Stormster]

if you do it i'll be your living cheaply in NY coach! I'm awesome now! ))))

[sheababy]

My motto is "if your job makes you unhappy-quit!" I cannot stand being miserable at work. Of course I make sure I have a back up plan-do I have enough savings? can my student loans get deferred for awhile etc.

I think reetoreet had a great idea-start putting his paycheck into the bank and see how it goes on one check. If you can make it, you will have money saved up so when DH does quit, you will have a cushion.

We live in a duplex and our tenants were a pain-just unhappy people. They had been there for 17 years and after our house being hit by a tornado this summer and them complaining constantly about the repairs that had to be done, I gave them notice to vacate. To my surprise they were gone in 10 days, 2 days after that DH got laid off. It was a nerve wracking few months but we had a friend who unexpectly needed a place to rent (we didn't even have to advertise) and DH now has a new job that's 10 times better in hours, pay and benefits.

If I were in your shoes, I'd go for it in a heartbeat.

[sbaglio]

This sounds so familiar, Jillian. We have been throwing around the same thoughts. I'm quite specialized in my field, and although I make only a little more money than my DH, once I pay my school loans each month, he has way more free cash than I do (he has no loans). With my desire to write full-time, and plans for #2, we have tossed around (seriously) the idea of me becoming a SAHD. It would shock no end of people in my small sphere of influence. Men just don't do that, right? It's sexist, but usually women are expected to make that choice. When there are no women in the picture, however....

But it was when we adopted our daughter that we both realized that we'd move the moon and stars for her. And for any other child we had. That, and our strength as a family are really the most important things in life. What is the use of making money if we're miserable every day of the week?

I like the suggestion of one spouse saving their whole paycheck for a few months, and just living on one salary, to see how it goes. We still haven't taken that leap yet (fear, I guess), but may do so when push comes to shove.

Good luck!

[Magic_Hat]

It sounds like it's really affecting your family's happiness. When we brought home DD, I left a staff job to go freelance and it was nerve wracking but in the end, I'm much happier and have more flexibility and I actually make more working 3 days/week instead of 5. I say make sure you can cover the necessities and tighten your belt with luxuries and go for it! Like others said, maybe your husband can do contract or consulting work and be home more and be happier.

Good luck!

[Stormster]

I wouldn't count on him being able to do part time work with a newborn~E is 27 months and although I do a newsletter, I need to do it at very random times....during his nap, late at night. If I had to be somewhere at a specific time i'd have to hire child care so it wouldn't work.

I second what Amy said about depression. Esp. for many men in our society (and many women too!) who have had "major" careers it can be very un stimulating and bad for self esteem to stay home if it's not what you REALLY REALLY want to do. I've seen this too many times for it to be uncommon! I've met your hubby (what an amazing guy btw) and he may not even be able to find time to read a book! I know he's used to a fair amount of solitude (traveling etc) so it would be a change.

That said you live in a very stimulating part of the world so if he's proactive and out and about with the kids there's plenty to do although in cold weather a lot of it costs money.

Just thinking out loud here but he could do the BKLN issue of the newsletter I do! I have my kid in EVERY class and always have because I barter for advertising!

This is a big step but it's doable. Just don't be blindsided by anything like I was!

[latinosunshine]

Could your husband work from home for his same company. My Dh works for a NYC firm but works out of our home in TX. Of course, he has to travel when legal cases arise but he is home and kept his NYC income.

I want to mention his company was not for remote workers. He did submit a proposal to the company before he resigned but they were not open to it. I dont know what changed their mind but before his last day, they approached him about his proposal and fleshing it out more. It does have its downsides but overall it has been good.

I think your DH should ask. All they can say is no.

[Saya]

OK, I love you guys!

Your responses almost made me start to cry. It's just been so HARD. I feel like when I complain about it sometimes I'm just sounding whiny. I mean DH actually HAS a good job and not everyone does, and lots of folks have spouses who travel more (military families, for example!) and I feel like I shouldn't complain . . . but we are just miserable and exhausted.

My husband is an academic - he has a tenure-track job at an excellent university. And he's on course to have tenure by the end of next year. But tenure would imply that he wants this job forever - which he really really really doesn't. He could hopefully at least find so adjunct work around here - the pay is terrible, but it's something. And he wouldn't mind leaving academia completely, to be honest, there are so many things about it that frustrate him right now. But we've found it's hard to switch careers mid-stream as a PhD - eveyone assumes you're over qualified for everything, even if that's not the case!

DH took a leave of absence and actually was a SAHD for about 6 months when A first came home. He had mixed feelings about it - loved it in theory but definitely felt stressed and isolated a lot. If we do it again, this time maybe for a longer period of time, we'd have to think carefully about ways to make it work. Storm, you make some good points about this. I think what would probably work well would be to have him do some part-time work (with some part time child care) and then be at home 3 or 4 days, but of course that's an ideal and who knows what we could actually get. (Thanks for the nice words about DH too )

I love the idea of putting one salary away for a while and seeing how it goes - I think I want to try that and see how it works. And Storm, yes I definitely will want your advice if we really go this route!

You only live once, right? And it's not worth being stressed and miserable all the time, right?

[Linny]

I know it can be hard...I haven't worked outside of the house for several years. Previously, I taught---and parented while dh was working and often having long hours and being away. There are times I miss it; especially being an older mom with little ones (not a lot of that around here, but my sister's great support.) I now also homeschool the kiddos....

Bottom line in my book is the comment Fadzi made:

...But it was when we adopted our daughter that we both realized that we'd move the moon and stars for her. And for any other child we had. That, and our strength as a family are really the most important things in life. What is the use of making money if we're miserable every day of the week?...

IMO, you only go around one time. If you're going to raise children, there's only one shot at it. If you have to work, that's one thing, but I believe working outside the home and raising children well...is seldom well done. Good luck. I know how hard it can be to make that decision, but in the long run, what's it worth to have your family, calm and peace of mind for all?

Sincerely,

Linny

[Steph-Jason]

If he's stressed our & it's taking a toll on your family I say do whatever you can to change it. Just make sure you're prepared for it. I was at my position for 5 years. I was in upper management for a life insurance company. Once I went into a management role (about 3 years ago- before DD)- I started having major health issues. HELLO- I was working 65 hr weeks, smoking, drinking wayyy too much coffee & eating crap. I'd have asthma attacks in which I'd have to be hospitalized, stmach issue, migraines, it was awful. I'd come home everynight & complain to DH. He always told me if it was having this type of affect on me I needed to quit & we'd worry about the money latr on. When DD was born it seemed to be a little worse becase I refused to work the long hours &I caught some flack because of it. The company was very much a "good ole boy" type of company & they jst didn't get my wanting to be with my baby. This is when i rely started to affect me. Everyday I had to leave DD with MIL & go to work. I was in misery. Again- DH told me that if it was that bad to quit & we'd figure it out. I was so worried thogh because I've always made more money & didn't know how we'd survivie. Well- as many of you may remember- my position was elmininaed in May & we were forced to live on 1 income. We were lucky because we had some in savings but we've still managed. Plus- for some reason it's made my husband - who'se in a primarily commision based positon- make more money. He says now that he knows he's hte sole breadwinner it makes him more assertive with clients. It's really worked for us. If it's really what's best for your family you'll make it work for you. Good luck!