[KLL08]

So I thought we may have a little more time to think about this, but we may not. We have an open adoption with our DD's first family and we love it. I love that as S grows up she will know them and she can ask any questions and that she will know her siblings. I have no concerns about it at all with her first family.

We've discussed a lot recently that we would prefer to have another open adoption when we adopt again. And while talking I've told my husband I'd love to start again now I knew he wanted to wait a little longer. But doesn't God always have a sense of humor and change all our plans??? I was at a meeting the other day and a co worker asked if we would ever do a private adoption...ummm...YES! So she has given our information to an expectant mom. The only thing I have a slight hesitation on is that she says that the emom is wanting a closed adoption. While I know that some people prefer that, I'm not one of them. I know that if this is the right situation for us it will work out, but I worry about having 2 kids in the same household--one who is able to have visits with their first family and one that will not have ANY contact.

Any adoptive parents in that situation and how do your kids handle it?

I know it's premature to worry about because we haven't matched yet and we may not, but I know it can come up again...so any thoughts? I think my first thougth is to ask would she be willing to think about contact in the future.

[BrandyHagz]

Well, in some cases, expectant mothers don't know enough about adoption to know they have the option of an open adoption - or even what that means.

I'd be more concerned about the possible lack of counseling/information being given in a 'private adoption' than anything else.

I grew up in an 'open adoption' but had no idea what that was called or even that it was an option (I thought my case was a special case) in every day/normal adoptions - so when my daughters parents and I started talking, I just assumed adoptions were closed and that's what we'd do...I didn't know enough (having lived adoption, and open adoption at that, all my life, to know there was 'more').

I wouldn't assume, at this point, that she wants a 'closed adoption' - I would, however, asked her how she came by her decision and talk to her about talking to someone so she can fully explore her options regarding adoption.

[KLL08]

Thanks Brandy...she was working with an agency so she's had some counseling. She didn't like the agency apparently and decided she just wants to go through an attorney. As far as we know right now.

[oceanica]

most of the emoms we have been involved with started out wanting closed and then changed once they thought about it more. good luck, this is exciting!

[MkMw]

Our sons' adoption is open - although we haven't seen their birthfamily since they were 4 months we do plan on it again, just not sure when, the trip to see them is expensive. We do however have a very good relationship with them.

They were supportive of our decision to adopt again. We just assumed we would wind up in some version of an open or semi-open adoption. DD had already been born we were matched. Her birthmom agreed to meet us, but subsequently changed her mind. I have not seen her face, nor heard her voice. Our adoption is closed on her request. I wrote her one letter to her last know address, making sure she had the name and address not only of the agency that placed DD, but the address of our homestudy agency. And, made sure that our homestudy agency cross referenced a file with her last name in case she didn't learn or forgets what our last name is.

As for how we are planning to handle it - for now, we ar lucky, my sons' BirthMom is also interested her their sister. When I sent updates, I generally make sure to include a few pictures of my sons' with my DD and put in a very short paragraph about what she is doing. It's also a good way for DS' birthMom to see their nurturing side, not so prevelent in soccer pictures.

As DD gets older, there are some things in her story that I think will help her see (if it becomes an issue for her) that the adoption clearly had nothing to do with her, but with her birthMother. And, because we do have her name, and some other information that may help us locate her - and if not her, some of DD's bio sibs (also not living with brithMother).

Our attorney and agency were so good about getting us as much information as possible. I actually have duplicates of some things. So -

I guess, in your situation that's what I would do - make sure she knows the door is unlocked and she can come in anytime. Make sure she has altrenative ways of reaching (like an agency or attorney unlikely to go out of business) and see how it goes....

[megaphonemo]

This is us, DD#1s is closed - her bmom's choice since she disappeared from the hospital, and #2s is open. Thankfully, #2s bfamily is wonderful and they dote on #1 as well... But it will be an issue as she gets older, and might start asking questions as to why we don't meet with her family.... nothing yet, and I'll be honest, we don't talk about the whole thing as much as we should be at her age (4)...

I'd like to hear how others handle this....

Mega

[kara05kara]

Same here- our 4 year-old's adoption is open, our (almost) 2 year-old's is closed per Birth mother's request- although she is now accepting our pictures and letters! So far our oldest son's Birth family have embraced our 2 year old as well, so there have not been issues.

I know things may come up in the future, but for now it's fine.

Good luck with this situation- how exciting!!!

Natalie

[Cjmeck]

I really wonder if her saying she would want a closed adoption is due to lack of information/counseling? Or maybe the circumstances in which she is thinking about adoption it makes sense to her to chose closed. My daughter's adoption is closed, and we did not chose that. I would just encourage her to seek counseling regardless if you are the family or not.

[redbonec]

Our 3 year old daughter's adoption is very open with her birthmother.
Our 3 month old daughter's adoption is closed, per request of her birthmother.

I cannot be of much help to you because nothing has come up yet, due to their ages.

I can tell you how it has affected me. We did state in our letter in our profile that we were willing to discuss the level of openess everyone was comfortable with. I hoped that our second adoption would be open as well, but knew that this could include no openness, which is what happened. I do completely respect it, although I am sad for it, but I have told our agency that when they do speak with her (as they have at least a couple times since the placement) to tell her that there is no pressure, but if she ever wanted to meet or call, or anything, to make sure she felt it was never too late.

I also know that our second daughter's birthmother and her family have moved quite a bit, and I feel that in time, the agency may not have contact with her anymore, if her birthmother does not keep her information updated when she moves. It feels to me that with time any link to my daughter's biological family will be forever lost. It feels completely out of my hands.

One thing I would ask to the person who is your contact to her, if she does make an adoption plan, could they get a picture of her to give to you, with her knowing of course.
When I asked our agency if they got a picture of our daughter with her birthmother at the hospital, they said no. When I asked if they had a picture of her at all, they said no. I would love one to have for my daughter, and for me to see her too.
I have pictures of my first daughter with her birthmother in the hospital. And pictures of them together during visits since then. I will have none of my second daughter and her birthmother.

Only time will show how this will affect our daughters, but we are family and will do our best when questions come.

[cynthia900]

I have three children with three different levels of openness. My oldest is closed. My middle is one way communication (mostly although her bmom did contact me to adopt again but then tragically miscarried) and two way communication. I just tell my children the truth and help them to understand that it isn't any reflection on them - they were and still are very very loved. We talk a lot in our family about how people are different. This is one more extension of that. We talk about how times change - this is one more extention of that. We talk about different ways we show love - this is one more extension of that. We talk about different families - some have grandmas they see, some don't etc - you get the picture. My oldest seems to have accepted this well. I will register to reconnect when she is older in case her bmom wants contact but I am of the opinion that I should respect her bmom's wishes and not assume that I know she would not wish the same today. That said, I also made it clear that I would be happy to have contact if she changed her mind.

I think getting a picture is a great idea - that does matter a lot to my middle child.

[tomandcate]

My boys are 5 and 2 1/2, so it hasn't been an issue yet, but we have two very different "open" adoptions. We are fully open, two-way with my oldest's first mom. We met youngest's in the hospital, and sent letters/pictures the first year, but have never heard from her again.

I saved everything I wrote to both our sons' moms, and I think that will be nice for them to have when they get older...even when there was no communication coming back the other way.

I also agree, having a picture is huge to me. I have one picture of each and it is in their rooms, on their dressers. When we talk about adoption and their first moms, we look at the pictures. I can only imagine if I was adopted, having a picture would take at least a little of the achy-mystery out of things, if there was no contact. I only wish I had pictures of their bdads.

I know we will see my oldest's family in the future, as much as possible (we are 9-10 hours apart now) - but I am coming to doubt we may see the youngest's. I hope she changes her mind at some point. I just plan on being honest...I'm not 100% sure why she didn't/doesn't want contact, I just know it was painful for her to place because she would have parented if she could, and she loved/loves him with all her heart.

[KLL08]

Thank you all for your replies. I know I just need to take it one day at a time and be as honest as we can be if we are chosen for this new baby as he grows up.

We haven't heard anything back yet, and in the meantime my aunt called me about another adoption situation back home with a friend of the family. So if we don't hear back from the first emom we already have a 2nd emom that wants to speak to us! WHOA! We aren't even looking to start the process again until the fall, I guess God had other plans in mind. The 2nd emom just found out she was pregnant, so we'd have a lot longer match time and more time to prepare for a #2.