[Dickons]

I get the icky feelings you have when someone calls you a saint etc...but you guys are unique because so few parents in this world have the ability to see past the 'my child must be my biological child to be my child' and recognise that loving a child for the sake of loving a child is what being a parent really is...hopefully that came out right...and I did not offend anyone.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[robandjulie]

Originally Posted by KarenInCa

With us, being in an IA situation...there have been two things that have made me laugh.
1st- When the time for a referral takes longer than expected, with both daughters we've gotten, "Is it still the same child as before?" Referrals come when they come, and there is no child before a referral.
2nd- Our first daughter was adopted at 16 months old. She did not speak Mandarin, Cantanese or any other language. She was a baby. She spoke baby-babble. But a lot of people have asked, "So, does she still speak Chinese?" Hello...she was a b-a-b-y.
Well intended questions, but not thought out very well, especially when these questions are asked after explaining how things happen with IA.

In their defense, I think this may be a bit confusing for general public b/c not all IA work the same. In the Guatemalan system PAPs got matched with a child very very quickly (usually) and then struggled through the long confusing process together--the child's case getting approved and processed for adoption out of the country; PAPs case being approved as that particular child's PAP. If either side broke down, the case started over completely with new kid to parent; new PAP to kid. Terribly inefficient and heartbreaking--the approve both and THEN match and finish quickly model is far more practical. But I had dozens of times when our case was stalled/delayed/rejected for case clarification errors and people would ask if it was the same referral after that and the answer could have been yes or no...thankfully other than the death of our first referral for us it was always "yes!" and we didn't have to start over again or lose the little boy we were matched with. But you said it was after you explained the IA process for China, so that's just silly for them at that point.

As for the 2nd issue--yep, the assumption of native language skills as a trait that an infant (by definition one without speech...) would bring home with them is laughable. We get that often where my uncle insists on speaking Spanish to our son who only knows about 5 words of Spanish (water, diaper, nap, chickie, and bottle) and only those b/c we used them all the time when he was first home at 19 mos.

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by danhanan

OOOh, I don't post often, but I have to say that my all time favorite comment has always been, "Does she see her mom?". I could just spit every time I am asked that question. My responses to that have varied anywhere from, "Gee, you can see me can't you?", to a much more polite, "Her birthmom?, well, she has moved away.
I really don't like being rude, but sometimes I jus tget fed up KWIM?

I get that ALL the time at the hospital. It drives me nuts. My son had literally just come back from his 4th open heart surgery and the nurse asked me if we talked to his mom ever. I said yes, I talk to myself every day. And then I told her it was time to learn some positive adoption language. It was NOT a great night.

We get the saints comments too, totally because of my son's heart defect. Yes, I know most people would have walked away from a baby with HLHS in an adoption situation. However, we wouldn't walk away from a sick bio child OR adopted child. Those types of comments make me feel like people view my son as less worthwhile because he was born so sick. They do bother me quite a bit

[Steph-Jason]

The saint part bugs me too, or the one that my daghter is so lucky to have us. I usually just remind people that I'm not a saint- just a mother & if anyone in our family is lucky it's DH & I.

I also get the one that she looks like me. It's funny when DH & I are together because you have someone look at DD, then at me, then at DH & then repeat this a few times with a confused look in their face! We've gotten the whole- are you gonna tell her she's adopted... DH was going to do a comedy bit for church last year (he was a standup for a bit). One of his things was talking about our adoption. He said something to the affect of his response was - "no we're just going to tell her that her great great grandfather was a quarter cherokee & that's where the dark skin comes from" - when I get that question I just look at the person like thy're crazy.

I think when peope hear that you've adopted they feel the need to say something... even if it's not something that's appropriate.

[Barksum]

We get the 'you're saints' comment, too, when people find out we've adopted. I think it's because we adopted from foster care and we have adopted 'drug babies'. (We actually had one person say, "Why would you want other people's problems?" )

We've had people say to us that they could never love a child that 'wasn't their own'. That one drives me nuts. Whatever. I commented to a cw once that people act like they can't ever love someone not 'their own' when people do that all the time. I mean, nieces, nephews, friends...let alone a spouse or personal friend. The cw pointed out that not all people actually love their nieces or nephews, or even their spouses! Oh. Right.

We get the 'where are they from' question, too, since we have two children who are of S. American heritage but born in the USA. It seems to stun people when we will name one of the metropolises (metropli?) in our state. LOL

But my one funny moment was at the park. Two of my boys were playing. One has red hair, blue eyes, white-white skin and freckles, one looks Native American with almost black hair, black/brown eyes, darker skin. There was another mom on the bench next to me, and after I said something to one of the boys about doing something for his brother the lady turned to me and said, "Oh, I wondered if they were related!"

[Juliana13]

Originally Posted by Barksum

The cw pointed out that not all people actually love their nieces or nephews, or even their spouses! Oh. Right.

That made me laugh!

I hate it when people ask (in front of the kids), "Are your children related?"

My son gets it - he recently got excited about our upcoming finalization (adopting our foster daughter), by announcing "She is going to marry us!"

And I agree with Crick - A Saint?? Just a mom who wanted to be a mom. Like so many others. I loved the reverse response (from a stranger, or I might take it personally) : "Wow, you really lucked out. You are so lucky to have them." Exactly! Not sure my own biology could have produced such awesome kids!

And one from a friend I knew for years who commented, "It is so interesting that two siblings can look nothing like each other!" (I thought she knew my kids were adopted, but she was shocked when I pointed it out after her comment.)

And like several of you, I am bugged when they say, "Does she see her mom?" or "Do you keep in touch with her mom?" Well, I DO lose touch with myself at times...

Oh! And new personal favorite - Or new personal LEAST favorite. FROM MY THERAPIST this week. (In therapy to deal with grief issues over losing our other foster daughter.) She said regarding our recently adding our foster daughter who we are adopting: "Why would you do this? Why would you take on someone else's problem?" From a therapist!!! We quickly quit this therapist.

[karaboo]

Originally Posted by Barksum

We've had people say to us that they could never love a child that 'wasn't their own'.

I teach Sunday School to a group of 40+ special needs adults. My co-teacher and her spouse (a school teacher) are in their early 50's and have never had any children, but she was telling me the other day how much they would love to have one. I asked her if they had considered adopting. She said "Oh, no, Fred could never love a child that wasn't really his." I was stunned.

When my biochildren were small, I used to think I could never love another child like I loved them. Now that they are older, there is no question in my mind that I have a heart overflowing with love, and love doesn't care who gave birth to a child.


This thread has really cracked me up...I've enjoyed it so much. Just a *little* off topic, but thought I would share this story with you.

My late grandmother was in her 70's when my DS was born almost 20 years ago. She lived in the sticks...very very rural area...and was starting to get a little dementia at the time.

When I took my 2 month old son to see her for the first time, she did what the old country folks always do..."Oh, he's got his daddy's eyes, he's got his daddy's nose, etc." Admittedly, my DS looks exactly like his father. EXACTLY. So after she ran down the list of whose physical characteristics he had inherited, she must have realized she didn't name anything he got from me. So she looked him over one more time and said "Karaboo, he's got your back..."

[Ladyofmoonlight]

My fave response was "Oh, I just assumed his daddy was really, really dark." I'm still not sure why she sounded so relieved...

We get the "saints" comment too, especially with the older one (well, he's been with us longer). Though I have to say there was one time when I actually wasn't taken aback by it. A woman who is actually from a 3rd world country told me I was lucky, I did the "no, we're the lucky ones" speech, and she said "yes, you are lucky, but being from a 3rd world country and knowing what kind of life he could have lead let me assure you that he's really lucky himself just to have you take him into your home." I really couldn't think of a good response to that other than just sitting back and considering her words.

[jules17]

These are so good. As the proud parents our 3 sons, we have gotten some comments. Most are positive, I will say.

To the saint thing: I say, "Oh no, I was just born to be their mother. And a few times have said, "Do you really think my genes could have produced such incredible kids??"

To the genetics thing: I have said, "Oh, gosh, I hope you don't share DNA with your loved one (spouse, partner, etc.!) and laughed. And walked away.

I could go on forever, but as I have posted before, I usually go into politician mode and answer whatever I want, which is usually not an answer to the question, but is positive and loving for my sons.

And when we get the ol' "Sheesh, YOU sure have your hands full," I just smile and say, "You should see my heart."

[txwannabemom]

My newly adopted (going on 3 months home!)7 year old is CC and people always asume she is Russsian. When I say south txas, foster care one said "there are white kids in foster care?" REALLY?!?! All I could say was "Yes, many."

[Barksum]

OH. MY. WORD. Do people really not get what foster care is? I guess there are still people that think that kids in foster care are criminals, in care because of their own criminal activity - as infants, no less!

[vegaschristina]

Originally Posted by Dickons

I get the icky feelings you have when someone calls you a saint etc...but you guys are unique because so few parents in this world have the ability to see past the 'my child must be my biological child to be my child' and recognise that loving a child for the sake of loving a child is what being a parent really is...hopefully that came out right...and I did not offend anyone.

Kind regards,
Dickons

Dickons,

I think that's the nicest way anyone's ever put that. Thank you so much for saying it.

[cvalda]

I had lunch with someone yesterday who asked, "So what are you called? Foster mom? Adoptive mom?" and I responded "Mom" and the person looked dumfounded!

[journeytolily]

I have gotten so many different comments thru the years, and many of the same ones over and over again!

I now have a standard reply when someone says..."oh, I admire you, I could never love a child that wasn't born to me" - "Well, that's really good that you know your limitations." I have to laugh, remembering the funny faces of people who are trying to figure out if they have just been insulted!! Most have nothing to say after that.

[mrskt]

Journey - that is AWESOME! I will definitely have to remember that one!!! LOL

My favorite was the little old lady who waited until my husband went into the next aisle at Walmart and came over to me and whispered to ask if DH knew I'd had an affair... LOL

DH's favorite was the waiter who kept asking nosy/rude intrusive questions, and when it dawned on her that we were husband and wife and DD belonged to both of us, she had a puzzled look on her face, and DH leaned over and told her in a confiding manner that "We have a very open relationship, I don't ask questions"... LMAO. The look on her face was priceless! So bad of DH! LOL

My LEAST favorite was the teacher at daycare, who realized DD was adopted when DH and I showed up together one day to pick her up, and said, "But she's so happy?!" Like she can't be since she's adopted? Weird...

We did have one person tell us that you "almost couldn't tell DD was a crack baby" in front of an entire waiting room full of people at the ped's office... WTH do you even say to that???