[becky]

I asked this question on another thread...but I thought I might get more response if I started a new topic thread.

I was just matched with an expectant mom. We had a conference call late last week, with the caseworker leading the call.

Tomorrow I take over!! I am to call our expectant mom. I have absolutely no idea what to say or what to ask!!

I want to know everything about her. I really want details on the pregnancy...especially the birth plans, etc.

But I don't want to ask the wrong thing or seem to nosy or pushy!

For those of you who have had a chance to build a relationship with your expectant mom over the last several months of the pregnancy...I could really use your advice and guidance!

(just an FYI...she doesn't really want a very open adoption...just pictures/updates once per year through the agency. She asked to talk to us 'here and there' through the remaining part of the pregnancy just so she can get to know us a bit)

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by becky

I asked this question on another thread...but I thought I might get more response if I started a new topic thread.

I was just matched with an expectant mom. We had a conference call late last week, with the caseworker leading the call.

Tomorrow I take over!! I am to call our expectant mom. I have absolutely no idea what to say or what to ask!!

I want to know everything about her. I really want details on the pregnancy...especially the birth plans, etc.

But I don't want to ask the wrong thing or seem to nosy or pushy!

For those of you who have had a chance to build a relationship with your expectant mom over the last several months of the pregnancy...I could really use your advice and guidance!

(just an FYI...she doesn't really want a very open adoption...just pictures/updates once per year through the agency. She asked to talk to us 'here and there' through the remaining part of the pregnancy just so she can get to know us a bit)

Sounds somewhat similar to our situation before our son was born. We started out talking to my son's birth mom every week before flying home to meet her. We matched at 30 weeks so had some time to get to know each other beforehand.

I'd recommend focusing on her as much as possible. We'd always ask how she was feeling and in return we got to hear that my son would kick very early in the morning and wake her up. We'd ask about her family and other kids. Talk about tv shows that we liked and favorite foods, pepsi or coke, things like that. We never got into anything very serious or heavy over the phone. Have a pen and paper handy and write down her answers. I've included a lof of our conversations in my son's lifebook. We had to lead the conversation a bit because my son's birth mom is pretty quiet. Before hand, I'd make a list of things to talk about which helped with any quiet akward moments. Good luck!

[sugarmuffin]

I don't have any answers but i will give your thread a bump up.

Goodluck

[mommy3]

During our 2nd adoption, we matched at 7 mos, so we arranged a time each week to call (she didn't have a computer). I'd ask about her week, her children, her feelings, what she'd made for dinner, anything. She'd tell me every detail of MD visits and ask me things to ask her MD. We couldn't visit during MD visits (long story) but did have a few in-person visits. She was very warm and loved being loved, so I focused on her, what she needed, what she was reading, thinking about, etc. She'd ask about us, our readiness for our dd, so much more. It was a great way to begin us being an extended family, actually. We still communicate much the same way, calling it the "new of the world". susan

[becky]

Great suggestions so far...please keep them coming!!

[JenC]

Becky,

We matched with P's first mom when she was 6 months pregnant with him. First, I think you will find that every mom will be different - P's mom wanted a lot of phone contact at first, but after the first few phone calls, it got to be really difficult for her and she really pulled away from the contact the farther along the pregnancy went. I went into it with an open mind and heart knowing that the placement may not happen, so I tried to not be too invasive with the pregnancy questions. I know basically nothing about the pregnancy other than the few medical records I have. She choose to keep that rather private.

I was SCARED TO DEATH the first time we talked. I'm pretty sure I started out by telling her how nervous I was, even! She said she was a little nervous too, so that kind of helped break the ice a bit. I started out by asking her if there was anything else she wanted to know about us that wasn't in our profile, and we talked about that for a while. We had a few other phone calls before P was born, and they were pretty short conversations sometimes. I tried to just get to know her and her family, I asked about her kids, when school started for them, how potty training was coming along, etc. If I knew she had been to the Dr recently, I asked her if the appt went ok, and that was about it. She's a pretty quiet, private person, so sometimes it was hard to have conversations.

Truly, since every relationship is different, we all just kind of have to play it by ear sometimes. I really wouldn't get into birth plan or pregnancy details yet unless she brings them up. It's nerve wracking, I know!

[becky]

I don't plan to ask her about any of delivery plans (although I am dying to know)...I will just ask her how often she goes to the doctors these days and if everything is going O.K. for her.

She does have twin boys, so I am going to ask her a lot about them...that should keep the conversation going for a while!

I am not too nervous...I just don't want to mess things up. I can tell from our conference call she is pretty quiet...so I may have to keep the conversation going...which I tend do anyway

[JenC]

you sound like me, I could carry on a converstion with a rock some days. I'm sure it will go fine!

[becky]

So...we had about a 20 minute conversation today. I thought it went well...it seemed pretty natural. I asked a lot of questions, but she talked some as well when she answered, so that was good.

She told me about her brothers growing up. We talked about what our kids did for Halloween.

She told me a bit about her doctor and the treatments she is receiving. She did tell me that her twins were not born via C-section and that she never wants to have surgery if she can avoid it!

Best of all...she asked me if I wanted the videos that her doctor has done of her ultrasounds! I told her I would love to have them.

All and all it went pretty well. I will call her again early next week if she doesn't call me before then.

[Gwen72]

I'm glad your conversation went well and hope it continues to go well from here!

[becky]

I received an email from her this morning thanking me for the call. She said there are not a lot of people around her who are supportive of their plan, so it was nice to speak with someone who feels differently.

[kellyjames]

Glad it went well, Becky! Keep us posted!

[loveajax]

I'm also glad it went well!! I remember being so nervous the first time we spoke with DD's birth parents.

It's "funny" because the advice we got was to NOT ask about the baby, etc. Well, of course, DD's birth mom was upset because she thought we should be excited for the baby, preparing a nursery, etc. Obviously, every expecting mom thinking about adoption is going to think/feel differently, so it's great if you can build a relationship with her that's comfortable for both of you. Best of luck.